Previously on Teen Wolf, Kira's mom's dead ex-boyfriend hijacked Stiles who hijacked the Oni who killed Allison who was the ex-girlfriend of Scott who was half-dating Kira, which, in Beacon Hills, is called The Circle of Life.

Chris Argent is exactly the guy you want on your team in the minutes after the death of your girlfriend/best friend/his daughter. He once helped his own wife stab herself in the heart with a kitchen knife, you'll remember, so he's pretty good at compartmentalizing his emotions. Alison's murder has him rattled, but not so shaken up that he can't coach Lydia and Scott and Isaac to convince the police that she was taken down by some muggers, who just happened to be carrying Japanese swords, I guess.

The gang makes it through the interrogation, barely, after which: Isaac follows Chris home like that little duck from Are You My Mother and Kira gives Stiles a piggy-back ride to her house where her mom talks Deaton-levels of cryptic nonsense about making a divine move while playing Go.

Watching Alison get stabbed in the chest has convinced Aiden and Ethan that they need to convince Lydia and Danny to follow them the hell out of Beacon Hills, but Derek cues up some straight-up St. Crispin's Day music and gives them such a speech about shedding blood with your brother and not holding your manhood cheap and how the thing that sets Scott apart from all the other supernatural hoodlums in this town is that he fights for his friends. So Aiden and Ethan decide to make one last pitch to be a part of his pack.

Lydia and Scott waste no time zooming over to Dr. Deaton's office to beg for whatever teensy-tiny, paint-by-numbers tidbit of information he's going to dole out to them today like Oliver Twist's porridge. Today it is the news that boxes carved from the wood of the Nemeton are as useful at containing supernatural hazmat as the tree itself. Lydia knows of such a container; it holds Talia Hale's claws. Deaton also knows of that container because he, of course, carved it with his own hands. So now all they've got to do is get Nogitstiles to cough up his fly soul and trap it in that box and they'll be golden.

Unfortunately, Nogitstiles is going on a bleepin' rampage at Beacon Hills General Hospital. He shows up with a couple of Oni and marches up and down the hallways in slow-mo, Mourning Ritual's "Bad Moon Rising" blaring, slicing and dicing every doctor and patient and nurse and visitor and orderly in their way. It's shocking, really. The most shocking thing this show has done in three seasons, showing us all these medical professionals who are not Melissa McCall and asking us to believe they've been here all along. Well, she's up on the second floor doing cardiothoracic surgery with one hand and neurosurgery with the other when Agent McCall drops by to say he's b0uncing out of town again. She pauses her complicated, invasive procedures to walk him out and tell him he's a dummy — but as soon as the elevator opens on the ground floor, she gets stabbed in the leg by an Oni.

And if you think that's too far, get a load of this shiz: Over at the sheriff's office, a couple of Oni teleport onto the scene and start hacking up all the officers of the law, including Sheriff Stilinski and Deputy Parrish. Sheriff Stilinski will not go quietly into that good night! When his handgun doesn't do the trick, he brings it with a giant shotgun! He still gets sliced, though.

At Deaton's office, Lydia feels really woozy. Scott's like, "Are you sensing something?" And she's like, "I think the town is literally 85 percent completely murdered at this point." Stiles hobbles in to confirm her theory. As soon as they're gone, the Oni descend on the vet's office, too, and chop Deaton with their swords. First bad thing that's ever happened directly to that clown; maybe now he'll start offering up information by the shovelful instead of by the teaspoon.

Isaac and Chris are sitting around in shock, still, as Isaac babbles about all the stuff Alison said before she died. He's like, "It seemed like something important. Like, first she was saying how Scott was her soul mate and the love of her life, and then it was like she didn't even remember I existed, and after that some more things about how her heart belonged to Scott only and always and forever, and then even more ignoring the fact that I was sitting right there, and then she said we had to tell you something. Probably that she loved you too. Not as much as she loved Scott, but at least enough to remember to say your name, which she didn't do for everyone." Chris realizes what Alison really wanted to tell him was that her silver arrow was what killed that one Oni. She made five, but only took one — WHY, ALLISON?! WHY?? — so he grabs up the other four, and off they go.

The whole Get Along Gang shows up at Beacon Hills High School.

Derek and Aiden and Ethan have the honor of fighting Nogitstiles himself. Nogitstiles goes, "Y'all are about the cutest little pack of puppies I've ever seen." And Derek is all, "We may have all lost our Alpha status but that doesn't mean we don't have claws and fangs still!" And Nogitstiles is like, "Cool, lets see how those things match up against my entire army of shadow-bodied Death Eaters!" And Derek goes, "It's so weird how the words coming out of your face are so evil, but your face is still so perfect!" And Nogitstiles is all, "Right? I'm even sexier than last time took over a body and I had a uniform back then!" Derek tilts his head to the side, raises one eyebrow, says, "... a uniform, eh?" And that's when the Oni attack!

Things don't look good, but just when you think it's over, Chris arrives with Alison's crossbow and silver arrows and also with Isaac! He sends an arrow whizzing through the night sky, striking and Oni in the chest, killing him dead! Saving Derek's life! Whoo boy, what a day it's been for those two. They're going to have to take turns being the little spoon tonight. Sadly, Chris and Isaac didn't make it in time to save everyone. Aiden got punctured in his gloriously sculpted chest.

Also at Beacon Hills High are Kira, Scott, Lydia, and Stiles. OR ARE THEY? When they open the doors, they find themselves in some kind of Tarantino Narnia. I think it's that same garden where that inexplicably hotter young Chris Argent saw a different Nogitsune get killed? I don't know. Anyway, there's no time for snowball fights because the steel-toothed mummy man tip-toes into the frosty woods and menaces Stiles before summoning some Oni to axe-murder them. Growls and claws and fangs and sword clangs and then Stiles is like, "Wait a second! This is just another brain cloud nightmare! Everyone stop fighting and let these guys chop you into little pieces! It'll hurt like death, but it's just an illusion!"

They believe him. And they are saved.

Well, sort of. Once they're out in the hallway, Nogitstiles slithers up. He doesn't get very far, though, because Scott bites him while Kira stabs him while Lydia explains that he can't be a fox and a wolf at the same time due to science. Nogitstiles staggers and stumbles and coughs up his fly soul ... which Isaac rushes in and catches in the Nemeton box that Deaton built. After which everyone who was stabbed by an Oni is miraculously healed. Except for Aiden. He chokes up black blood while Ethan strokes his face and feels awful. Aiden says Lydia will never believe he was one of the good guys, and Derek says, "I'll tell her, buddy; she'll believe me." Which is a very kind gift to give a dying person when the truth is that she was going to can him for Stiles as soon as Stiles stopped being possessed.

In the Post-Nogitsune New World Order, Malia enrolls in high school and Scott mentors her to help her control her powers; Kira and Lydia bloom into bosom buddies; and Mr. and Mrs. Yukimura play Go just for fun.

Oh, and just one more thing:

Ethan: I just really feel like I need to blow...

Danny: Sweet, I'll meet you in the locker room in ten.

Ethan: ...town. I need to blow town. I'm genuinely sorry to have to break up with you.

Danny: Yeah, me too, but it was never going to work. You're stupidly hot and actually very sweet.

Ethan: But?

Danny: Uh, but you're a werewolf.

Ethan: Wait, what? You knew?

Danny: Yep, which makes my under-use on this show legitimately criminal, huh?

Ethan: Well, and so do you want to have one last smooch, before I go?

Danny: Of course. Thanks for not getting weirded out when I was possessed by those murderous Celtic spirits during the spring band concert.

Ethan: Thanks for not getting weirded out when that random head kept trying to chew its way out of my stomach when we were making out.

Danny: If you're ever in London, look up Jackson Whittemore. He's got to be out of the closet by now.

Stiles and Derek have a chat in the locker room about how a person can tell when he's dreaming and when he's awake. Derek keeps having these weird dreams that some South American hunters show up at his loft looking for a she-wolf who isn't Malia. They shoot him and then get ripped to shreds by something in the fog. Stiles says in dreams you have extra fingers, and then he shows Derek his extra fingers.

Derek goes, "Shit, so this is the dream and the other thing is real?" A lady voice from the fog confirms that it's true, that this thing is real, that she is real. She steps forward. She is Kate Argent, back from the dead. And if that blows your mind, check this out: She's a Weresmurf!

Thank you guys for letting me recap another season of Teen Wolf for you. I'll see you back here on June 24, unless you watch Glee also, in which case I'll see you back here tomorrow!