Previously on Teen Wolf, Derek Hale had the worst life you have ever heard of. The first girl he ever loved, he murdered her. The second girl he ever loved, she burned down his house with his whole family inside and then chained him up to a lightning rod in her basement. He got so messed up about love that he thought it was a totally regular thing when a local schoolteacher wanted to shag him silly while black goop was oozing out of all the claw gashes all over his body. Scott was revealed as the werewolf messiah. Peter Hale was revealed as a lover of Reese’s Peanut Butter cups. Grandpa Argent was revealed as just super allergic to mountain ash. And Alpha Pack Ethan forgot to be bloodthirsty for a second because his heart was so hungry for Danny.
A sheriff’s deputy is patrolling the halls of Beacon Hills High at the witching hour while students frolic to and fro, banging on their timpanis and tooting on their trombones, just practicing for a charity concert at 2:00 am like you sometimes do when you’re in the high school orchestra. The deputy stops one gaggle of students because they are shining real bright in the dark hallway because Danny is walking among them, his smile lighting their way in the night. She tells them to go on home because murder is afoot, and they all laugh because murder is always afoot in this school. Sometimes a girl gets ripped to pieces by a pack of wild hyenas in the cafeteria. Sometimes a teacher gets kidnapped and garrotted out on the cross country trail. What are you going to do?
Danny goes, “We’re probably OK because I am here and I am what you call a ’fan favorite.’ But you are both black and nameless, and I’ve been on this show long enough to know you probably want to get out of here.”
The deputy finally finds the dead body and the dead body is her and then she’s dead. The killer is the Dark Druid, the Darach. It finally reveals its face for the first time and if you ever wondered what would happen if Voldemort and Bloody Face had a baby whose head one time got too close to an open flame, well, now you know.
Lydia has, of course, found herself at the spot of another murder, but instead of scouting out the crime scene her own this time, she calls for backup. Scott wobbles up on his dirt bike and Stiles zips up in his jeep, talking about, “Where’s the dead guy?” Lydia says she’s tired of having to find the dead bodies all by herself and that Stiles can take a turn, thank you very much. “You find it!” she says. “No, you find it!” he says. “You,” says Lydia. “No, you,” says Stiles. It is Scott who interrupts their foreplay to tell them he found the body by using his eyeballs and looking straight ahead.
The dead deputy is splayed across the school marquee. Which, honestly, is what they should do to all the Beacon Hills city limit signs. Just: “Welcome to [DEAD BODY].”
Five hours later, everyone is in literature class, talking about simile and metaphor and idioms. Ms. Blake says the only way you can tell if an idiom is an idiom is if you have a framework for the culture of the language you’re speaking: “For example, if you’re a very literal-minded person and I say I have an axe to grind, you might think I have an actual axe that needs sharpening, when really what the idiom means is that I have an ulterior motive. Though, in my case, both things are true, and that’s what you call foreshadowing.” Stiles and Scott can’t pay attention because they’re trying to figure out a way to isolate Ethan from Aiden so they can question him about the Alpha pack’s Druid emissary. Stiles goes, “Do you ever hear these words coming out of our mouth and think about how we sound like the Mad Hatter?”
Aiden is all up in Ethan’s nut about how he needs to stay away from Danny now that they know he’s not part of Scott’s Scooby gang.
Ethan: He’s harmless, dude. Actually, he’s downright cuddly, if you want to know the truth.
Aiden: He’s not important to the plan anymore.
Ethan: Well, maybe he’s important to my plan.
Aiden: Well, maybe that’s the gayest thing I’ve ever heard.
Ethan: Leave me alone, brother! I do what I want, and what I want to do is Danny!
Aiden: Too bad! We’re not real high school students and Deucalion doesn’t want us to be happy and I’m going to follow you around everywhere forever so you can’t do anymore canoodling with a teenage human!
Lydia: Let’s make sex, Aiden.
Aiden: OK BYE ETHAN.
Aiden and Lydia do not get very far with their sexual hijinks in the janitor’s closet. One reason is that Aiden can’t shut up about how he figured it’d be a pretty big turn-off for Lydia that he was kind of an accomplice in Boyd’s murder, what with stabbing Boyd in the chest with Derek’s claws and everything. The other reason is that when they finally get their snog on, someone draws a loop-de-loop into the steam they’ve created on the supply room window. You’ll remember from last week that the loop-de-loop means werewolf war, so Aiden bolts out of there screaming for Derek to come get him some. (Oh, if only it was that easy, you silly straight wonder twin.)
But it wasn’t Derek who drew the loop-de-loop and declared war. It was Cora. She and Aiden take their brawl to the long-neglected locker room where the Jacksons of yore spent many an hour brooding silently in nothing but towels. And now he lives in London. Poor Jackson. Poor our collective eyeballs. Cora and Aiden puuuuuunnnch eeeeeaaaacch oooootttthhher and kiiiiiiiick eaaaaaach ooooootttthhhher and groooowwwwwllll at each oooootttthhhher and then Aiden smaaaaaassssshhhhhes Cora in the faaaaaaaace with a ffoooorrrty-fiiiiiive poooouunnnnd weeeeiiiiight plaaaaaaate. The fight lasts about 30 seconds in real-life time but about two hours in slow-motion walloping time. Ethan and Stiles and Scott rush in to keep Aiden from fully slaughtering Cora. Luckily, they were all three together anyway, discussing how Aiden and Ethan used to be the runts of their wolfpack litter until Duke came along and taught them how to morph into a real angry megawolf.
Stiles wants to know what the hell Cora was thinking declaring the loop-de-loop on an Alpha all by herself. She goes, “I just want to do everything I can to make my life as awful and tragic as possible!” And Stiles is all, “Oh, right. I forgot for a second that you’re a Hale.”
All of these werewolves and kanimas and druids and druid emissaries and Darachs and scene-chewing grandpas have finally gotten to Allison Argent. She can no longer find the strength to get out of bed. She just wants to lie here in her misery and be miserable. PSYCH! She’s just waiting for Chris to swagger his sexy ass out of the apartment so she can go rooting through his shit some more.
Isaac shows up to help her decode the mystery of her father’s secret dealings by standing too close to her and smelling so delicious — because you absolutely know Issac always smells like a rain shower in a magical meadow — that her eyes go blurry for a second and she realizes she’s standing too close to her dad’s murder map to see the big picture. Actually, the big picture is under the murder map. A Celtic knot is carved into the table and Chris has used invisible ink to label the types of serial killings the Druid has done/will do. Virgins, that one’s all done. Warriors, that’s finished too. Healers, check. Next is philosophers, and that’s only one third complete. The final group is guardians, which: Ha ha ha! Joke’s on you, Druach! No one can guard anyone from anything in this hellscape of a town, so good luck with that!
Scott’s starting to lose the high he got a couple of weeks ago when Deaton bestowed upon him an actual piece of fully formed information. Since then it’s been nothing but enigmas and brain puzzles and Grandpa Argent saying bamboozling rubbish in the most aggressive way imaginable. So Scott goes to Ms. Morrell because she’s Deaton’s sister and so maybe she has some full sentences to say to him. Firstly, though, she laughs in his face and says, “Shoudn’t you leave the brain stuff to Stiles or Lydia, dude?” But no, he would like some explanations, please. And oh, Ms. Morrell’s got some explanations.
Ms. Morrell: Deucalion has a complicated relationship with you in his brain, Scott. Sometimes he thinks what he wants is to have full sex with you because you are the love of his life. Other times he thinks what he wants is to make a skinsuit out of your skin and wear it over his own skin. He wants to french kiss you. But also he wants to pluck the eyeballs from your face and pop those eyeballs into his own face. It is lucky I am here to keep you kids safe. Nothing bad has ever happened at Beacon Hills High school on my watch. Anyway, either kill someone and prove you’re not Werewolf Jesus or don’t kill someone and prove that you are Werewolf Jesus. Deucalion’s going to keep creeping on you no matter what.
While Scott is getting a lesson in the various flawless angles of Bianca Lawson’s face, Lydia wanders into a classroom of a history teacher we’ve never seen in our lives and draws a “2” on the chalkboard in the five-fold Celtic knot that has suddenly appeared there. She screams when she realizes she’s forecasted another murder. Ms. Blake tries to calm her down by explaining how insane she sounds, and Lydia goes, “I don’t know what I am, but I am something, and it is superheroic! I can do a lot of powers and things! I’m just putting that out there in case my untapped awesomeness is interesting/threatening to you in any way!”
(Actually, this is a really sweet throwback to the scene in the chemistry lab when Lydia shouts at Stiles that she’s not a psychic and he shouts back that she’s SOMETHING. Only this time, Ms. Blake tells her she’s not a psychic and Lydia echos Stiles right back at her: “I’M SOMETHING!”)
900 murders is not enough murders to justify telling Sheriff Stilenski that the town he has sworn to protect sits atop a Moonmouth. But 901 murders? Well, that’s just excessive. Stiles drags Cora to his dad’s office to finally come clean about the supernatural shit that’s happening in his peripheral vision. And because it’s Stiles, he does it in the most convoluted way possible, labeling chess pieces with Post-It notes and staging an elaborate fictional battle.
Finally, Sheriff Stilinski is like, “OK, so there’s a werewolf in this town biting teenagers and turning them into werewolves, except for when the teenagers he bites turn into kanimas, which are lizardpeople who can only murder murderers except for when their masters make them murder innocent people, which a kanima can recover from if he has true love in his heart and, in fact, he can even become a blue-eyed wolf angel, and sometimes The Bite doesn’t turn you into anything at all if you have secret superpowers like Lydia, who we one time found walking around naked in the woods? The people in this town who are not mythical beasts are part of an advisory panel to the mythical beasts or part of a group of heavily armed mythical beast bounty hunters? Is that what you’re telling me?” Mostly, yes. Stiles tries to make Cora demonstrate her metamorphic powers, but she faints right on the spot because she’s not doing so good after engaging in that loop-de-loop fisticuffs with Aiden.
On the other side of town, Allison’s got problems with her dad too. She thinks he’s the Darach gnawing off the head of her history teacher at the end of a hallway in one of Beacon Hills’ one million abandoned buildings. But Chris Argent is not the Darach because nature would never commit a crime like that against his face. Chris Argent is chasing down the Darach, is all. He busts up into that building and walks up that hallway, slow-mo handguns blazing like a space cowboy in John Woo movie, shooting and shooting and shooting. But he doesn’t hit the Darach at all because there are still three episodes left in this half-season.
Ms. Blake has decided to host a charity concert at school to help everyone feel better about how half of their classmates and teachers have been gruesomely murdered and draped around the building like so many corpse curtains these last few weeks. You know who thinks this is a positively spiffing idea? Derek Hale. He meets Ms. Blake in a tunnel near the lacrosse field and they mash their faces together and grin at each other and say smoogie-doogie things about how they’re MFEO. Derek is such a dumbass. For starters, he has got to know by now that every time he smiles, God signs a death warrant. And for seconders, the whole time he’s making out with Ms. Blake, one of the school’s landscapers is blowing leaves and grass and twigs and whatever other yard filth all over them and he’s just standing there basking in it like it’s a springtime rain shower of true love.
The other person who thinks the concert is a great idea is Ethan because it means he gets to fuss all over Danny. First, he ties his tie for him, even though Danny knows how to tie his own tie, because he just wants an excuse to stand close and touch Danny’s neck. And then Ethan fixes his hair for him, even though his hair is already looks like it was licked into place by kittens, because he wants an excuse for their bodies to brush together just a little bit. He gives Danny a mint. He caresses Danny’s perfect face with his adoring gaze. And then he says the thing that makes you know he’s for real: “If something happens, if the building starts collapsing or someone starts shooting arrows out of a crossbow from the audience or if you all get possessed and start chanting creepy monk stuff, find me. Find me first before you do anything else, Danny. I’m a survivor too.”
DANNY, DO NOT DIE!
Over at the hospital, where the sheriff and Stiles took Cora after she passed out, Stiles says the meanest thing he has ever said to anyone in his life. He says, “Mom would have believed me” when his dad won’t believe him about the werewolves. TV doesn’t catch me off-guard too much, but I for real gasped out loud and said, “Oh, Stiles!” when that happened. Sheriff Stilenski’s face. It’s like Stiles punched him with his fist. But he doesn’t pout. He goes right on over to the nurse’s station to ask Melissa McCall to help him dig up an old case file from ten years ago. A girl that was hacked up and slashed up and probably also found under a Druid tree. Melissa McCall goes, “I’m the only competent medical professional in town. You’re the only surviving officer of the law. Just based on the natural selection alone, we should probably make babies together.” And then she gives him the medical file of the dead girl.
All the people in Beacon Hills rush to Ms. Blake’s concert, which takes a turn for the sinister almost immediately. The orchestra starts playing the Dark Druid theme song and angry chanting and making zombie faces at the crowd. Aiden texts Lydia to meet him: “In Ms. Blake’s classroom. By yourself. Tell no one. This is definitely Aiden and not a trap.”
But you guys, it is a trap! Ms. Blake stole Aiden’s phone and sent that text!
Ms. Blake ties Lydia to a chair and monlogues for a minute or two about how dumb all these teenagers are. Like, give her a f*cking break. They’re what? 16? 17? And none of them even have a black belt in supernatural sleuthing. Goddamn morons. She’s making all these OCD sacrifices to a deity, OK? A deity who will grant her all of the powers of the people she has slain. Strength from the warriors, smarts from the philosophers, healing power from the healers. I’m not sure what she got from the virgins or what she’ll get from the guardians. Maybe she was always VoldeFace until she killed the virgins and took their, like, beauty or purity or something?
Ms. Blake starts to strangle Lydia, and Sheriff Stilinski busts up in there, gun locked and loaded. He gets a knife right in the heart for his heroics. Ms. Blake tries again to choke Lydia to death but she lets out a sonar scream that echoes off the sun and makes every werewolf on the planet go deaf practically. Ms. Blake is like, “The Lord! You’re a banshee! This is totally shocking to me because I’ve never read Tumblr! Welcome to the League of Lady Evil, though!”
Scott answers Lydia’s cry and Ms. Blake shuts his shit down with one slow-mo palm to the chest. Just flattens him right on the floor. Then she makes a desk fly across the room by whispering to it, so Stiles is trapped outside watching the three people he loves most in the world get tortured.
Sheriff Stilinski recognizes Ms. Blake as the lady from the woods from ten years ago with the coyote bites all over her head. He tells her so as she shoves the knife deeper his chest and kisses him on the mouth and reveals her VoldeFace and throws him over her shoulder like a sack of taters and flies her psychotic ass right out the classroom window.
Stiles finally breaks through the barrier. He and Scott stare out the window into the night. “That’s what you call ’twisting the knife’,” Stiles says, “Both literally and idiomatically.”
Next week: Lydia and Stiles read every book in the library about fairy folklore and then waste a full afternoon correcting the various relevant Wikipedia entries. Scott and Allison and Isaac take one step closer to their inevitable threesome. And Danny has an intervention with Derek to explain that sometimes the universe has a funny way of showing you you’re not meant to be with ladies.