Previously on Teen Wolf, Allison and Scott and Stiles took some ice baths with their clothes on, clutching their parents’ prized possessions, so the god of frozen voodoo would reveal the location of the Celtic treehouse where their moms and dads were being held hostage. Isaac and Dr. Deaton and Lydia, respectively, performed the freezing ceremony on their loves. Derek gave up his alpha powers to save Cora’s life while Peter Hale sat on the steps and watched and ate a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup and chased it with an Ice Breakers wintergreen mint and washed it down with an Aquafina water and pulled up the Machiavellian Chess app on his AT&T LG phone. Also, Jennifer Blake murdered nine people, with an eye toward murdering 12 people, because she wants revenge on Deucalion, for one thing, but mostly because she wants the power to be a pretty, pretty princess full-time.
Allison and Scott and Stiles wake up from their ice baths in a bright white warehouse like what might be heaven’s waiting room. Stiles is wet and he’s got bare feet and his shirt is dripping wet and so are his pants, and his forearms and biceps flex flex flex when he gets out of the ice bath tub with his wet clothes because he’s wet. Same with Allison and Scott, but less so.
They walk slowly toward the end of the warehouse where a giant tree stump is waiting on them, and they take it in turns to flashback to the pilot episode, the night of Scott’s bite. Scott watches himself get bitten by Peter Hale, stumbling upon this very tree stump in the process. Stiles watches himself get marched home by his dad, passing this very tree stump on the way. And Allison, it turns out, was in that car that almost hit Scott. Victora — hey! hey, Victoria Argent! Miss you everyday, girl! — was driving, and she reluctantly turned around to see if she mowed over a teenage boy. Allison wandered into the woods where she found an asthma inhaler and the tree stump.
This scene in heaven’s waiting room is one of the most visually stunning ones Teen Wolf has ever done, and it has actually taken a lot of bold directing chances this season. The brilliant radiance compared to the nearly monochrome blacks and blues of regular Beacon Hills, the way the camera keeps the three of them with all that negative space, the eerie angles that are just off-center enough to make you feel uneasy. It’s awesome.
When Allison and Scott and Stiles wake-up, they know exactly where they need to go to save their parents, but Isaac and Deaton and Lydia, all of whom are styled exactly the same as they were at the beginning of the ice bath ritual, with nary a wrinkle in their clothes or a hair out of place, explain that those guys were out cold, literally, for 16 hours. “It’s like you slept from one climax to the next climax,” Deaton explains. “Or like whoever was plotting out the time in the final arc of this season doesn’t know how to count backwards.”
On the plus side: None of them seem to be suffering any immediate trauma from that black ring Deaton told them would be around their hearts forever.
As everyone is getting packed up for their trip to the Nematon in the realm of the living, Scott says he’s decided to meet up with them in a bit. He’s got a date with Deucalion to kill Jennifer, and according to Deucalion, he just can’t do it without Scott by his side. Isaac rolls his eyes, goes, “I AAAM THEEE DEEEMOOOON WOOOLLLF! That guy? That’s the guy you’re trusting to not have over-dramatized your involvement in the destruction of the Darach?” But Scott will not be dissuaded. Once per season he is endowed with a plan. Tonight is that night. Also unable to accompany the Scoobies to the Nematon is Lydia. Ethan shows up and asks her to help him save Derek.
Over at the Hale Hole, Cora is nursing Derek back to health as thanks for sacrificing his alpha powers to save her life. And of course, Peter is doing sock ballet up and down the loft, sliiiiiding this way and sliiiiiding that way and twirling and singing about how Derek isn’t an alpha anymore. Oh, and also, he thinks Derek should get out of town pretty much immediately because Kali is coming to kill him at the full moon and he’s barely got enough strength to hold his beautiful head up straight, so there’s no way Derek’s going to be able to fight her and survive. Derek refuses to go until Lydia shows up and says she feels like she’s standing in a graveyard because there is no furniture in this place and also there are blood stains all over the floor and walls and ceiling from all the people who have died here in the last month. She says Derek is doomed if he doesn’t skedaddle. So, he skedaddles.
As soon as he’s gone, Kali shows up, her toenails click-clacking away on the tile floor. Lydia’s like, “Aw, sorry, honey, Derek stepped out to pick up his dry cleaning and buy some groceries at Whole Foods. Just a normal werewolf afternoon. You know what strip mall I’m talking about, right? The one with that really nice pedicure place? Speaking of which…”
When Kali gets up in Lydia’s grill, Aiden snarls at her and she’s like, “ORLY?” But there’s no time for clever rejoinders because Jennifer Blake crashes through the glass ceiling, all snarls and indignation, ruining the nicest place Derek has ever lived because she is hateful. First, she kills Kali, Carrie-style. Then, she literally rips the Wonder Twins apart and snaps their neck and so they’re dead too. At least we got to see them tear off their shirts one last time. RIP Decepticons.
Jennifer finally turns on Lydia and tells her to give a holler, if she doesn’t mind. Lydia banshees and Derek flips his car around in the middle of the road to go back and rescue her. But really Jennifer was only using Lydia to page Derek. She’s got an offer for him. If he’ll help her kill Deucalion — which should be a snap for them together during the 15-minute lunar eclipse that’s looming — she’ll let everyone’s parents go. She only needs the guardians so she’ll have the power to kill Duke. If he’s dead, they’re free. Derek agrees because, frankly, what has he got to lose at this point? His life is a perpetual shitshow of loss and brooding. What’s one more dead girlfriend and/or best best friend?
Meanwhile, the Scoobies get themselves into quite a conundrum. Isaac and Allison and Scott stop by the Argent’s penthouse to get some heavy artillery and are met with the sight of Scott’s dad standing over a billion semi-automatic weapons and wondering if these rifles and grenades and crossbows and things have any connection to the nine people who have died in Beacon Hills since the last full moon. Stiles or Lydia would have immediately been like, “Well, since all nine people were old school strangled to death with a garrott, probably not, dumbass.” But Isaac and Scott and Allison just sit down and sigh.
Finally, Allison has the good sense to grab one of the tear gas/smoke screen grenades off the desk and toss it and make a run for it. And it’s a good thing, too, because Isaac and Scott would have just sat there eating Ice Breakers all night. The three of them arrive in the Forbidden Forest a few minutes late, but Stiles is not at their meeting place — because Stiles is knocked out because Stiles has driven his jeep into a tree!
(At this point in the episode, my sister was texting me in all caps talking about “I SWEAR TO GOD, JEFF DAVIS! I SWEAR TO GOD!” I tried to calm her down, like, I am so sure they’re going to kill off Stiles, but she lived Ianto Jones’ death in real time on Torchwood and she will never trust TV again for the rest of her whole life.)
Scott bounces to meet up with Duke while Isaac and Allison go running willy-nilly through the woods sniffing and shouting for Melissa and Chris and Sheriff Stilinski.
But where are Duke and Scott? Oh, where oh where are Jennifer and Derek going to find them? Well, Scott has a Scott Plan to lure them into his trap. He sends a video text of himself standing in front of the loop-de-loop in the distillery wall from the Hunter vs. Wolves wars of yore. Jennifer is like, “Your friend is kind of a moron.” And Derek’s all, “But he’s a really nice guy, and super cute.” And off they go into the night to get their battle on.
As soon as they’re gone, there’s like this weird squelching sound in the Hale Hole and the twins split apart and they’re alive! They’re both alive! The Backlot is relieved most of all, and Lydia is relieved a close second. After all, it is us and her who have been hurt most by Jackson’s Whittemore’s missing nakedness, and so basically the Wonder Twins are all we have left! And they’re alive! Did you think one of them had sacrificed himself so the other could live? That’s what I thought, and I am not ashamed to say I would sacrifice fifteen Aiden’s for one Ethan, just because he makes Danny so happy. But it’s a moot murder point. They’re both alive!
Right, so. The ground around the Nematon is caving in, but Isaac finally hears one of Chris’ werewolf whistles. He and Allison duck into the Nematon just in time for him to lift up the beams and keep everyone safe for a minute. And Jennifer and Derek show up in the old distillery to fight Scott and Duke. For one whole entire season, Deucalion has been talking about how is the baddest ass motherfucker in the history of mythical beasts, and now is the time for him to prove what an unhinged supervillain he really — oh. He’s blue. Huh. OK. Deucalion’s big thing is that he’s blue.
(Missed opportunity for Ultra Blue Monster Energy Drink product placement, MTV.)
He’s super strong, though, even though he looks ridiculous. He gets Jennifer Blake into a werewolf chokehold and tries to cajole Scott into killing her on account of she’s causing the storm that’s no doubt collapsing the ground around the Nematon, but Scott says he’s not worried about it: His pack will save the day. Deucalion turns on him, then, but Scott’s got some of those Acme military grade sparklers that Chris Argent keeps in his desk drawers, and he remembers that one time Gerard was bullshitting about whatever thing and told him Deucalion can see when he’s a wolf, so he tosses those sparklers onto the ground and blinds that guy for real, just as the lunar eclipse is settling in.
In the hole in the ground where the Nematon lives, Isaac loses his powers. The ceiling starts to collapse again, but Stiles Stilinski dives underground and props up the beam with a baseball bat. He tackle hugs his dad. And they are saved!
Jennifer seizes on her opportunity and begins to beat the shit out of Deucalion, but for some reason, Derek decides to save his sassy blue ass.
Derek: Jennifer, wait! You know how this season has built you into the greatest villain this show has ever known, all vengeance-seeking cult killer still pissed that Deucalion murdered your pack for his own selfish designs?
Jennifer: Yes, duh.
Derek: Well, I think it’s time for you to be honest about why you’re really so mad.
Jennifer: FINE! IT IS BECAUSE I AM UGLY! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH ENERGY IT TAKES TO CREATE THIS ILLUSION OF BEAUTY WHEN I AM SO UGLY?! DEUCALION DID THIS TO ME!
Derek: Correct. You are ugly as shit. If you really want to punish him, heal his eyeballs so he has to look at your disgusting face.
Jennifer: Good idea! Looking at me is the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone! I am horrific! I will cause Deucalion to have to see me as I really — whoa, what happened to my super strength?
Derek: Oh, dear. The same thing happened to me a minute ago when I healed my sister. And you don’t even have any Aquafina water to power back up. Yikes, and now the eclipse is gone and you’re powerless again!
Jennifer: MOOOUNNNTAAAAINNN AAAAASSSSSHHHHHH!!!!
She tosses a ring of mountain ash in the air, but Scott breaks through the barrier because that’s one of the perks of being the JesusWolf. He says he won’t kill Jennifer, but Duke’s like, “Oh, I got this.” And just snatches her heart from her chest and so she’s dead, dead, dead. Surely Deucalion himself will receive equal comeuppance for causing the deaths of one zillion werewolves, including our beloved Erica and Boyd. LOL, JK. Deucalion is an uncommonly handsome white dude. Scott and Derek send him away with a warning to try to be nice from now on.
Stiles calls Scott to come dig them out from under their bunker, and he does.
After the battle: Allison proposes a new kind of life plan for her and her dad: They’ll protect those who cannot protect themselves. So, like, all of the women and people of color in Beacon Hills, then. Scott’s dad decides to stick around and act like a parent, but Scott slams the door in his face, which infuses Melissa McCall with no small amount of glee. And Derek drives Cora over to The CW for her new job as Mary, Queen of Scots on Reign.
And finally, a voiceover montage from Scott:
When the darkness around my heart starts to get me down, I look at my friends and remember that my life is pretty great. Aiden really did fall in love with Lydia, because of course he did because she’s flawless. Danny and Ethan hold hands now and probably are able to even get to third base without someone’s zombie face protruding from Ethan’s stomach. Isaac and Allison are still trying to work up the nerve to have that threesome with me, but they’ll get there. I know they will. And, of course, there’s Stiles. My best friend. My brother. The greatest human being on his earth. Every time I look at Stiles’ face, I think, “God has not forsaken us after all.” With him by my side, the Moonmouth doesn’t stand a chance.
Out in the deep, dark forest, Jennifer Blake has crawled her ugly old self back to the Nematon. She hopes it has the power to save her life one more time. Maybe it does, but she’ll never know, because someone grabs her hand and drags her away from it. She’s like, “Oh, balls. Of course it’s you.”
And of course it’s him: Peter Hale. He shakes his head at her, smirks, and turns his face toward the heavens just a-shoutin': “I AAAAAM THHHHEEE BIIIIIIIIG BAAAAAAAD WOOOOLLLLLF!”
Thank you guys for allowing me to recap another season of Teen Wolf for you! Hopefully I’ll see you back here in January when — spoiler alert! — Kate Argent swaggers back onto our TVs!