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"Teen Wolf" 3.21: How I Met Your Mummy

Previously on Teen Wolf, Stiles checked himself into Eichen House, where he lost his virginity(?) and his battle with with the Nogitsune, who huffed and puffed and threatened to drill a hole in his new girlfriend's(?) head if Stiles didn't let him in. Sheriff Stilinski took a day trip down the Pacific Coast Highway to pick up a copy of his dead wife's head scans to see if the brain cloud that killed her is the same brain cloud that is killing Stiles. And the Get Along Gang (minus Isaac, who was still mostly dead and in the hospital because: electricity) teamed up to steal the ancient scroll that Silverfinger kept in his silver finger before he died. The scroll's secret: Stiles needs a new body.

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In 1943, a pair of American soldiers drove a truckload of dead Asian Americans from an internment camp to an open field in the middle of the night to burn their bodies. The soldiers told riddles and jokes and played checkers and drank Coca-Colas and had a grand old time doing their patriotic duty — until a mummy appeared in the middle of the pile of dead bodies and ate their faces.

"Wait, what?" I hear you saying. "Where is Stiles? Is he still possessed? Did Scott figure out what Deaton meant when he told him to change Stiles' body to free him from his demon? Is Isaac alive? Is Coach alive? Are Chris and Derek still spooning on the bottom bunk in the jailhouse? Did Malia find Scott? Did Peter find (his daughter) Malia? Has Lydia learned to control her scream? Has Melissa McCall been granted yet another honorary medical degree? Where the heck is Danny, yo?"

Well, those things are none of your business. What is your business is one hour of backstory about Kira's mom.

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But first: Stiles shows up to school on a Sunday, where Mr. Yukimura is grading papers and killing flies. Stiles drums his fingers on some desks and looks like he hasn't slept in a couple of weeks and asks where Mrs. Yukimura keeps those blades/fox tails that she snaps when she wants to summon some Oni to do her bidding. When Mr. Yukimura refuses to divulge his wife's secret, Stiles resurrects a dead fly and sends it zooming down Mr. Yukimara's throat, sneering about how people always talk in the end, when they're choking to death on bugs. Luckily, Mr. Yukimara has the presence of mind to text his wife who texts their daughter who brings some of mama's magic mushrooms to school to save her pop's life.

Also she brings the katana that Stiles and Malia found in the wall at Eichen House and an old photo of a girl who looks like Kira.

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Kira: Is this me? Am I a ghost?

Mrs. Y: No, it's me.

Kira: That's insane; that makes you like 90 years old.

Mrs. Y: More like 900.

Kira: Sure, OK, that checks out. You probably know what the deal is with this sword, too, huh?

Mrs. Y: Yeah, I wrecked that thing the last time I killed a Nogitsune (whom I also created, P.S.), which was at this internment camp near Beacon Hills called Oak Creek that the government has expunged from public record but that your father had an inexplicable suspicion existed.

Mr. Yukimura, verbatim: That's how I met your mother!

Kira: Well, that was some clunky exposition.

Mrs. Y: Oh honey, just wait.

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Picture it: Oak Creek, 1943. Noshiko, who looks just like Kira, ganks supplies from American soldiers. Aspirin, cheese, bread, weapons, etc. Basic supplies. Most of her internee buddies are happy to have the medicines and foods they need to have a comfortable existence while being imprisoned in their own country. But this one lady, even though she gets migraines once a month on full moon nights, she refuses to accept Noshiko's contraband. She's explaining why in Japanese proverbs when a baseball smashes through the window and she shakes her head at Kira, all, "Bitch, I told you."

Some grope-y, gross soldiers come storming into the dorm talking about how they know someone's burgling their trucks and so now it's inspection time, but the cutest one calls them off. He says they'll be doing their inspecting tomorrow, and if they find anything tomorrow, probably there will be a problem. He picks up the baseball, tosses it to a young kid, says, "Here, son. Have yourself a symbol of the American Dream. Also, here is a bald eagle and an apple pie." What a sweet fellow!

You will be shocked to learn that Noshiko is boinking him.

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He tells her to maybe stop thieving in such large quantities, even though he himself has swiped a giant chocolate bar. Noshiko tells him that she loves chocolate and him, in that order, and they smooch a little bit. They smooch in alleyways, they smooch behind trees, they smooch in the moonlight, and they smooch in the rain. One day they are smooching in the warehouse when they peep the camp's doctor doing dirty business dealings with a couple of those asshole soldiers. The doctor, it seems, is selling all the camp's meds on the black market, so when everyone comes down with pneumonia (or, spoiler alert: gets all their skin burned off their body), it is not a good situation.

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In the medical ward, everyone is coughing and feverish and grumpy, and then that one kid just dies. His dad wails. Everyone wails. The kid drops his baseball and the American Dream rolls across the floor and the bald eagle lets out a horrible screech and croaks and the apple pie, it turns out, was made with poisoned berries! Well, you know a riot is gonna happen. And it does. The internees storm the courtyard and refuse to let the doctor's car through the gates. They yell and shake their fists and shake the car also. Noshiko is mad! But the old lady with the migraines, she reveals herself as a werewolf and tells Noshiko to calm down, please — but then a solider punches that old lady in the face and she wolfs out on him so hard. Next thing you know, a Molotov cocktail is flying through the air and Noshiko's boyfriend is on fire.

Now soldiers are firing on unarmed civilians and Reese (that's the boyfriend) is carted off to the hospital and because there's no morphine and he doesn't have any skin anymore the doctors wrap him up like a mummy and tell him, "Tough luck, buddy" until he also dies, just a hollerin'.

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His dead body gets piled into a truck with all the dead internees to be disposed off on the sly by the soldiers. Noshiko is among them, but she's not really dead. She's just mostly dead. Her body heals itself, see, but one hundred bullets is a lot. It takes a little longer to recover from having all your guts pumped full of lead. Because of true love and fate, she and Reese's dead mummy body are placed side-by-side in the truck, so when she summons a Nogitsune to possess her so she can take revenge on the soldiers, that tricky little demon bastard possesses Reese's mummy body instead.

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When the soldiers unload the bodies in the field, Reese comes to life as the mummy man and murders them. Then he hops his mummy ass right into their jeep and drives back to Oak Creek — did I mention Oak Creek is the location of Eichen House now? Same iron gates and everything? — where he mauls everyone to absolute death. Everyone but that old werewolf lady! That sassy broad tag-teams with Noshiko and they kill Reese (a second time) together! His soul is a fly, and it escapes from his mouth, and Noshiko traps it in a jar and runs like the wind and buries it in the roots of The Nemeton.

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Scott: Well, that was an illuminating story that took you eleven hours to tell.

Mrs. Y: I'm not finished. I want to tell you more about conjugating verbs in French and the various idiomatic translations of Japanese proverbs in a variety of languages.

Scott: That sounds awful. And anyway, the sun is going down again, so of course the Oni are on their way to kill my best friend.

Mrs. Y: Yeah, he's gotta die, dude. I killed the love of my life, you gotta kill the love of your life, them's just the breaks.

Scott: There must be some way to save Stiles!

Kira: Yes, there must! If only we'd dedicated an entire episode last week to finding a solution! Which we found!

Mrs. Y: You want to blame me, and I get it, but that demon fly would have stayed buried if you rascally kids hadn't done your ice bath voodoo to save your parents who were buried underneath the magical tree by your literature teacher who was on the run from a pack of Alpha Wolves whose leader was a power-grabbing sociopath who betrayed Talia Hale who is the mother of Derek Hale who was the girlfriend of the teacher who was also like a Kraken or whatever.

Scott: I begrudgingly admit that you have given me more straightforward information about my life than my mentor/boss of many years, in a true full-circle kind of way.

Mrs. Y: One more thing. Kira, if you'll just give me your hand, I'll show you how to repair this katana with your electrical powers so you'll have a turbo lightning sword at your disposal like what the red Power Ranger carries.

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But what of the rest of the gang? Not much, but some things. Sheriff Stilinski lets Chris and Derek out of jail because he needs their help to fix Stiles. Turns out Stiles' brain scans were the literal exact same brain scans as his mom's brain scans, which means the Nogitsune was just fucking with them. Sheriff even returns Chris' power stick to him, even though one of the deputies says it has enough jiggawatts to jump start a 747.

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They agree to help Stiles, and so does Allison, who breaks down in the saddest/sweetest way in Sheriff's arms (in some elevator somewhere for some reason). He says she's brave and she says she doesn't feel brave and he says courage is not the absence of fear and then his phone buzzes because someone broke into his house. It's Stiles, sitting on his bed, waving at the camera.

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Chris and Derek and Sheriff and Allison go to Stiles' bedroom and find a chess board all set up, with the pieces labeled with people's names. Isaac if off the board, so I guess he's the one that's gonna die this season. Derek is the king, obviously. There's some discussion about how to outmaneuver the Nogitsune without getting Derek check-mated and Sheriff goes, "But what if it's just an elaborate joke and we need to think of a new punchline."

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It makes as much sense as anything else in this episode, so off they go to Derek's loft. Sheriff opens the door. Stiles is standing in the middle of the room looking out those giant windows. He turns. He smiles. "Hey, girl" is what he says.

Next week: Isaac's great aunt invites Allison and Lydia over for tea to tell them the story of how the Bake-kujira, a Japanese ghost sperm whale, one time appeared in the swimming pool at a school where Mr. Lehey was teaching, and gobbled up a bunch of his swim team. Garrison Myers' (the bus driver who was murdered back in season one, surely you remember him) wife files a report with Beacon Hills PD about how vandals are knocking over her trash cans, which reminds her of a three-day-long story about how a Tanuki, a Japanese raccoon dog, one time gave her husband rabies when he was out gardening. And Ms. Morrell, who volunteers at the local library with Danny, tells the children a story about the Yokai Tsuchigumi, some Oni who have tiger bodies and spider legs and who one time crashed a picnic she was having with her girlfriend Deputy Tara Graeme, who was killed by Jennifer Blake during one of her ritual sacrifice cluster murders.

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