“Teen Wolf” 3.22: Lord of the Flies

Previously on Teen Wolf, Mrs. Yukimura spent the better part of a weekend telling Kira and Scott about how she, as an 820-year-old woman, made the mistake of summoning a notorious con artist demon fox spirit to exact revenge on some American soldiers who absolutely deserved her wrath, but — surprise! — the trickster seraph tricked her and inhabited the body of her dead, mummified boyfriend. So, she had to kill him, with the help of a werewolf lady who judged her the whole time because when you’re nearly a century old, you should know better, in a lot of ways. Mrs. Yukimura’s dead boyfriend’s soul was a fly, which she buried in the roots of the Nemeton tree, and it would have stayed there for all eternity if Allison, Stiles, and Scott hadn’t woken it up by taking real cold baths in a vet’s office. The Get Along Gang worked together to track down Stiles, who, it turned out, was just hanging around Derek’s loft, reading some slash fic he had left lying around (on his nightstand), smirking out the window, with the eyes of a person who hadn’t slept in three months.

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Sheriff Stilinski cautiously approaches Stiles in the fading daylight of Derek’s furniture-less loft, handcuffs at the ready, explaining that if Stiles is still alive inside Stiles’ body he’ll let his dad restrain him for everyone’s safety. Stiles agrees but then breaks free a second later with the biggest eye-roll. Allison and Chris and Derek show up, each taking a turn trying to subdue Nogitstiles, but he wrecks all their gadgets and wolf tricks with his foxy powers. Finally, Chris and Sheriff get into a standoff with their guns, shouting to beat the band about how Stiles has to die, no he doesn’t, YES HE DOES, NO HE DOESN’T, YES HE DOES, NO HE DOESN’T.

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Nogitstiles gets off on the chaos, which Allison realizes, but by the time she yells at everyone to stop yelling, the Oni appear. Stiles is like, “Well, anyway, I tricked you here to protect me because even though my soul is possessed, my face still looks like Dylan O’Brien’s, and so who’s gonna let me die?” No one, that’s who. Six hundred million fanboys and fangirls throwing themselves in front of him.

By the time Kira and Scott roll up, the Oni have vanished and Stiles has teleported over to Eichen House where Mrs. Yukimura is hanging out with her dead boyfriend’s corpse, trying to figure out where to hide the last of her nine lives-knives. Stiles grins at her, all, “Are you seriously 900 years old? Because hiding something in the exact same place you hid something last time is a move even kindergarteners don’t make when they’re playing hide-and-seek.” He snatches the knife and plot twists it right into his own gut, releasing a swarm of flies into the air.

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OK, and then: “The Flight of the Bumblebee” starts playing and the show is coming at us from a tiny GoPro strapped to the back of fly, weaving its way around Beacon Hills General Hospital. I’m not even kidding you. It’s amazing. It’s the most Teen Wolf thing I have ever seen in my life. I want to see the script so bad.

INT. EICHEN HOUSE

Stiles stabs himself in the gut with Mrs. Yukimara’s last Oni knife.

STILES
Chaos has come again.

Flies erupt from his belly.

INT. HOSPITAL – FLY’S POV

Fly flies through the hospital, zigging and zagging every which way to avoid doctors, nurses, and patients. Ms. McCall is there doing neurological operations right on the check-in desk. The fly almost crashes into her, but swerves at the last second. Up the stairs, around the corner, into the ventilation system, out of the ventilation system, up some more stairs, into a patient’s room, out the window, into another window. The fly flies into Issac’s open wound.

INT. HOSPITAL

Isaac wakes up. His eyes glow.

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Kira decides to crash at Scott’s house because she’s not feeling much trust for her parents right now. Also, she wants to make out with Scott’s face. He tells her she can have the bed and he’ll take the chair, and I guess Kitsune don’t get cold or something because she doesn’t even get under the covers. Or take off her shoes. Her lightning-powered sword is still strapped to her back. She sleeps like a video game character. Kira asks Scott to get in the bed with her six times before he finally understands that she means sexytime highjinks. They smooch and agree there’s a 60 percent chance they’ll be able to save Stiles.

EXT. SCOTT’S HOUSE – FLY’S POV

Fly bonks its head against Scott’s window repeatedly.

Over at the Argent’s, Allison confesses to her dad that she took the firing pin out of his gun so he couldn’t shoot Stiles. He smiles at her so sweetly and touches her face and says that’s why the women in the Argent clan are the leaders of the family, because if any people on the earth were renowned for their compassion and level-headedness it was Aunt Kate and Victoria Argent. Never ones to set houses on fire or chain ex-boyfriends up in the basement or stare through windows with eyes as big as the moon, sharpening and sharpening a thousand pencils into nubbins.

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Issac is sitting on Allison’s bed in the dark, staring at the wall. He wants to do sex. She’s game, even though his robotic movements and monosyllabic monotone mutterings should give him away as a person possessed by a fly.

INT. ISAAC’S BODY – FLY’S POV

Fly zooms through Isaac’s intestines, his arteries, takes two laps around his stomach.

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Derek sets up a chess game at home, hoping to figure out what the eff the Nogitsune was trying to say when he labeled Derek his king. Peter’s on his way out, probably going dancing or go-carting, you never can tell with that guy. He stops to mention that Derek’s Oni-sword wound isn’t healing and also to point out that, for once, this plot point doesn’t need a ten-minute monologue about whatever arcane mythology. Chess isn’t a Nogitsune thing; it’s a Stiles thing. While they’re gabbing:

INT. DEREK’S LOFT – FLY’S POV

Fly whizzes through the window toward Derek, pauses for a moment to admire his bicep, flies to other bicep to compare, takes a peek at his deltoids, gasps, wiggles his way into Derek’s open wound.

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Danny and Ethan enjoy some weekend lacrosse and then head to the locker room to talk strategy and shenanigans. Danny’s all, “You’re really good, dude. Like, as good as Isaac and Scott and my old bestie Jackson, all of whom, quite frankly, possessed superhuman speed and strength for reasons I will apparently never be privy to because I’m not even sure I’m on this show.” Ethan’s such a little puppy, y’all. He starts to tell Danny that maybe this school isn’t for them, like maybe they should hit the road and enroll somewhere far away from the perpetual shitshow that is Beacon Hills High (which is sweet for a variety of reasons, including the fact that Ethan doesn’t even need to attend high school), but before he can finish his thought, a fly flies into his mouth. He invites Danny to shower with him.

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INT. LOCKER ROOM

ETHAN
Do you want to take off your shirt and do gay stuff with me in the shower?

DANNY
Duh. Gay stuff is half the whole point of this locker room.

Fade out. (Ed note: No time for on-screen shower scene, must explore back story of guest character’s mom. Full episode flashback?) (Ed note: My previous note = v. brilliant idea.)

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Aiden and Lydia drive around town in a Toyota, eating Reese’s peanut butter cups, chatting on their AT&T Samsung smart phones, pursuing the apps on their Pantech Element tablets, talking about the superior handling and integrated multimedia navigation system of her new car. The GPS is so good, in fact, that it drives them to Stiles’ limp body on top of the parking garage where Jackson used to do Porsche stuff. While they’re dragging him to safety, a fly flies into Aiden’s ear.

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When Allison wakes up the next morning, Isaac is messing around with the (non-lethal) weapons buffet she’s got laid out on her dresser. At the exact same time she realizes he’s going to steal her shit and do some mischief with it, she also realizes he’s chained her feet to the bed.

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You know what Sheriff Stilinski needs on Day Nine of his son’s all-out war with a demon fox spirit inside his body? A hearing to determine whether or not he can keep his job. Agent McCall accompanies him and when he gets there, the lady in charge has like three file folders in one pile labeled “solved cases” and a gajillion file folders in another pile labeled “wtf though.” Sheriff says he’d like to start with the small pile. Agent McCall saves him with some testimony about how Sheriff is doing the best job he can considering Beacon Hills sits on a Hellmouth. And then he reveals that he only started the impeachment process so he could stick around a little longer and hang out with Scott, which: is supposed to make him seem like a nice guy, but actually makes him seem like a dick. Sheriff tells Agent McCall to tell Scott his secret.

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In the McCall’s living room, the Get Along Gang gathers around Stiles’ limp body to plot their next move. But he doesn’t stay knocked out for long. He wakes up and starts taunting everyone until Deaton drugs him with a couple of drops of Kanima venom. He’s got a giant bottle of that stuff, and this is the first time we’ve ever seen it! He flew to Japan to get some fungus to paralyze Stiles and he had a gallon of Kanima venom right in his satchel! What is your game, sir? I think you might have legit brain damage that only allows you to access one kilobyte of information from your noggin per day. That is really the only explanation for your brand of cryptic madness.

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And speaking of madness, the flies go to work on the wolves, inside their brains. Derek breaks into the Argent penthouse and ties up Chris and drizzles lighter fluid all over him and plays with matches and says he’s going to burn him alive the way Aunt Kate burned alive his whole family. Ethan and Aiden growl at each other at school about how they’d be members of Scott’s pack by now if the other wasn’t whatever thing. A sociopath. A lovesick gaymo. But then Isaac also is there with one of Allison’s laser guns, ready to have some revenge on both of them for Erica and Boyd. Luckily for everyone, Kira and Allison rush in with swords and crossbows a-blazin’ and manage to … get themselves locked into Coach’s office while the boys rip each other apart. Oh, well. They looked cool fighting in slow-motion, girl powered and all that.

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Over at the McCall’s, everyone is running around the living room pulling at their hair and hollering at each other and crying and screaming and trying to figure out what to do with Stiles. Melissa bandages up his wound from where he stabbed himself. He starts to cry and his eyeballs say he’s Stiles, but as soon as she takes the duct tape off, his mouth says he’s Nogitstiles. He’s like, “Hey, you know what? I know why Scott’s dad really left. You didn’t tell Scott but you told my dad and I overheard because I’ve always been an adorable little snoop but I never told Scott because I didn’t want him to hate you but that was before I was awful.” Melissa slaps that tape right back over his yap trap.

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In the kitchen, everyone whispers about whether or not Scott should turn Stiles into a werewolf based on the prophecy hidden inside the scroll hidden inside dead Silverfinger’s finger, but, per Deaton: “You know how sometimes we spend full episodes almost dying for a plot point that becomes irrelevant as soon as the episode is over? Yeah, this was probably one of those things.” Scott can’t get Derek on the phone, so Lydia suggests they call Peter. He rushes over and is happy to help as long as Lydia is happy to tell him the name of his daughter. She is not happy to tell him, but she says she’ll do it anyway.

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So what’s going to happen is Scott is going to stab Lydia and Stiles in their necks with his wolf claws, which will create a mental conduit between the three of them so Lydia and Scott can interact with Stiles’ subconscious. They need to lure him away from the Nogitsune. So, that’s what Scott does. He stabs them both. And they wake up strapped to some beds inside Eichen House. They writhe around and shout for a while until Lydia reminds Scott that he’s a damn werewolf, and so he breaks free. The Nogitsune manages to split them up inside Stiles brain, sending Scott to a closet to make out with Allison (like that time when he told Allison he was an ass man) and Lydia to a formal dance at school (like that time when Peter ate her face off). Scott realizes he’s being duped and so he escapes. Lydia doesn’t realize she’s being duped but she runs so fast she also escapes.

They meet up in the bright white warehouse teenagers go to when they sacrifice themselves in ice water so their parents can survive the ritual sacrifices of a scorned Celtic emissary. You know the one.

At the end of the room, Stiles is playing Connect Four with the Nogistune, sitting on top of the Nemeton stump. They run and run and run and run, but they can’t reach him. Finally, Lydia is like, “Just roar, ffs! He’s in your pack! He’ll hear you!” Scott does roar. Stiles does hear him. He knocks over the Connect Four game with such an angry face on his face.

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Argent’s: Chris breaks free, but Derek passes out.

Locker room: Kira and Allison tag-team for badassery, but the twins and Isaac pass out.

McCall’s: Lydia tells Peter that Malia, the werecoyote, is his kid.

Stiles wakes up and it seems like he’s Stiles. He vomits up a mummy and it seems like it’s the wrappings of a Nogitsune. But the opposite thing is true. The Nogitsune is stiles and Stiles is the Nogitsune. But they’re both shaped like Stiles. Nogitstiles absconds with Lydia and legit Stiles just looks like he needs to be someone’s little spoon for a two-day nap.

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Next week: Stiles wakes up in a cuddle pile with Isaac and Scott and feels lucky that he gets to be the Alison for at least one day. Peter shows up at Malia’s house and offers to read her a bed time story, for which she kicks him in the nards. Derek apologizes to Chris and Chris apologizes to Derek and Chris is like, “You can sleep in the bed and I’ll sleep in the chair” and Derek is like, “Don’t sleep in the chair.” And Danny gets a Facebook message from Jackson Whittemore asking why he never writes him back anymore. “Is there someone hotter than me at Beacon Hills now?!” he asks. And then follows up with a winky emoticon he thinks makes his last message seem breezy but really just comes off as insecure damage control.

Heather Hogan is a freelance writer/editor from Atlanta.