YOUR FAVORITE LOGO TV SHOWS ARE ON PARAMOUNT+

"Teen Wolf"4.07: "Weapons of Mass Canine Destruction"

Killer lupine flu breaks out at Beacon Hills High, putting the whole pack in danger. Meanwhile, Malia suspects Scott and Stiles are keeping something from her.

Previously on Teen Wolf.... Timmy Liam fell down a well, with the help of the pretty-but-evil Garrett. Crazy Kate and the Pips killed about a thousand assassins in her quest to find the Benefactor. Meredith died. Garrett died. Violet died. Parish was sexy. And Scott and Stiles found a sack full of cash, which is convenient since suddenly out of the blue their parents are going broke.

It turns out the money was a whopping five hundred grand. To be absolutely sure Scott comprehends what that means, Stiles asks him, "Do you know how much money that is?" and Scott stares at him for about a minute as he tries to figure out if it's a trick question.

"It's.... Um.... Well.... Five hundred thousand ... dollars?"

But once again, Stiles' brain is racing off in a dozen directions, leaving poor Scott without even a gold star for getting the answer to the question right. Stiles sees it as x percent Derek money and y percent Peter's money, as in "Why would we give evil Peter money to be evil with?"

Before they can decide which percentage to give to Derek and which percentage to take as a "Peter's an Asshole Tax," Malia barges in. She gives them the info on the latest Beacon Hills mass murder and chooses not to ask what Stiles and Scott were up to or what got so hurriedly stashed under the bed. Or why they look so guilty.

It's time to take the PSATs, because as hard as it is to believe given the characters are all sixteen and seventeen, they're still sophomores. The characters of Teen Wolf basically suffer every teenager's nightmare—to be trapped in high school forever.

Malia has apparently been studying her tail off for this, but she's still stressed. Scott steps up and shows some pack leadership (finally) and tells them that in spite of the fact that people are trying to murder them on the daily, they have lives to lead. And he wants to get into a good college. BTW, I'm totes ready for Stiles and Scott as roommates in college.

Giving the exam is some evil schmuck that we would know is evil by his smug, sneering expression-- even if we hadn't seen him being evil in the show's intro. And if you think that some bland scientist dude plotting sinister science things promises to be a boring plotline, you don't know the half of it.

But hey, we get to see Doc Deaton being a badass, which is always fantastic when he does it at entirely random intervals. Turns out his opponent is Satomi, the werewolf from the Japanese internment camp who has come back because the writers realized there was a non-white character they haven't killed yet.

She's pretty spry for her one hundred fifty some years. She also became an alpha somewhere along the way. You know, I'm sure she's going to die, but before that, I would pay real money to see her face off with Darth Abuela. It would be like Emperor Palpatine vs. Yoda, only without the dreadful CGI.

Team Scott sits for the PSATs, which is about as riveting as it sounds. I almost expected the camera to go into slo mo and to have Dramatic Theme Music start up, since Mr. Davis loves that so much. That might have actually been funny enough to focus my attention.

People start getting sick and so Lydia's mom calls the CDC and the school gets quarantined. At first, it seems like it's targeting the monster people, which made me hope that Coach Finstock was actually something like a werewolverine or something. But alas, that one glimmer of coolness was not to be.

Danny, who knows about werewolves and ley lines and magic stuff and who is awesome and everything immediately realizes what is going on and tells Team Scott that he will venture into the dangerous forest to find them the rare herb they need to save themselves. Only, well, no because of course even though Danny is awesome and he should be able to do cool stuff like that, he remains inexplicably absent. Maybe, like the invisible girl in season one of Buffy, he simply became invisible because no one paid him any attention.

Doc Deaton has absolutely no idea what infected Satomi's pack. No, really. Even though it turned out to be a disease he was familiar with, he couldn't recognize the signs until he cut open a guy's head. I sometimes think that he got his Druid Veterinarian Medical Certificate out of a cereal box.

Derek brings Brayden to the hospital and of course Melissa is there. Even though she doesn't even make minimum wage in spite of being the most qualified surviving medical professional, she continues to work 24/7. And Brayden tells them about the killer wolf flu going around and she doesn't even charge them for the information.

Lydia is back in the lake house, communing with the spirit of Meredith. Instead of it being a breakthrough for her, though, as she was hoping, it was really just a way for her to say sorry for not saving Meredith from craziness and death. And it's a chance for Meredith to creep her out one last time.

While waiting for their blood to get drawn, Malia and Kira have a kiki about the secrets Stiles and Scott are keeping, as in the things they share with each other that they share with no one else. Kira gets all wide-eyed and insists she's never even considered what Stiles and Scott do when they're alone together, she's never even heard of Yaoi and she has no idea what they're hiding under the bed and doesn't want to know because boys need some privacy.

Then she gets stuck with a needle and zaps the doctor. Woops.

Since Team Scott has gotten the bug and since, against all reason, the CDC hasn't tracked them down and herded them into a holding area, they decide to quarantine themselves. The only place safe enough is the Hale vault, which they reason (with a rationale that borders on clairvoyance) that there must be another entrance into in the basement. So they pull out the school's blueprints, which are at the school instead of at the city planner's office.

So they go there. Because there is a chance they'll wolf/coyote/electric-fox out and they need to make sure they don't nosh on people. Stiles goes along, naturally, because there's no reason to believe that if his friends go crazy that they'll attack him. And he needs to get locked in the vault in case.... In case...

Moving on. Oh God.... Derek is making googly eyes at Brayden. Does that mean that she's the Benefactor? Given his taste in women, it just wouldn't surprise me. Dude, when the universe sends you this many signs, it's time to give in and just go gay.

Anyway, the Deus ex Machina fairy flutters through and gives them the answer for how to cure the monster plague. And while it can instantly cure the plague and is readily and conveniently available, it won't get me the hour back that this episode took from me.

Scott and Stiles argue about telling Malia that her father is Peter. Scott wants to do the right thing. Stiles is firmly in the "Lie to Malia" camp, because when has that ever gone wrong for them? After all, law of averages suggests that even though this course of action has blown up in their faces a few dozen times already, at some point it has to maybe work.

Stiles then goes off on how they're all buddies with Peter now and how everyone buys him V-neck tees for Christmas gifts and basically everyone acts like he's perfection—which of course he is. But Stiles wants to point out that Peter was the Big Bad Wolf who started the first Beacon Hills killathon just a year or so back and no matter how sexy, charming or downright bang-able he is, he's probably still totally evil.

He gives Scott way too much to think about, essentially overloading the system, which puts an end to the whole truth topic. The interesting thing that comes out of this conversation is that Peter was not on the dead pool list. This either means he's the Benefactor or the Benefactor simply realized how much darker and grayer the world would be without Uncle Peter.

Then Stiles goes off to save the world. Or at least his friends. There's definitely heroic saving of some kind in the offing. Because he knows this sickness has to be another assassination attempt and someone has to find the bad guy and make sure he gets what's coming to him.

Well, the mystery plague clears up as quickly as it came about, at least for all the human peoples. Everyone is pretty amazed that they survived, since it's been six or seven hours since there was a mass death in Beacon Hills.

The villain marches Stiles at gun point into the locker room and demands to know where the rest of Team Scott can be found. Now of course there is no way anyone would be foolish enough to let Dylan O'Brien leave this show, but man, seeing that gun pressed to Stiles' forehead? That hurt my heart. And Stiles, brave, stalwart and so very human Stiles, just stares him down and braces for the end because there is just no way he's betraying his friends.

Derek appears and rips the guy's throat out, because no one is permitted to threaten Stiles that way. Only of course that doesn't happen because that would be awesome and awesome can't happen if it means Derek and Stiles make eye contact.

No, instead we get Scott's dad blowing the guy away. Whatever. I mean, it's sort of interesting that he just shot the guy dead and didn't even try the "Stop in the name of the law" bullcrap. Though one has to wonder about the wisdom of shooting someone at close range with an innocent Stiles right in front of the target who might very easily be the second recipient of that bullet. But instead all that happens is Stiles gets brains splattered all over his face.

Mr. McCall tells Stiles about the antidote and naturally it's up to Stiles to go back to the Room of Requirement vault to save his pals. But he can't get in. And everyone inside is blind and incapacitated from the plague so they can't open the door. So they all die and the show is over.

Seriously, am I the only one who gets tired of a show trying to convince me it's going to kill off its principle players? Teen Wolf goes to that well a lot. And all I'm saying is that you can only suck so many FEELS out of those scenarios before they get kind of boring.

Anyway, obviously Scott manages to get the magic mushrooms off the shelf and they all inhale them and get better instantly. On the downside, that means Malia gets her sight back and can now totally tell that she's a Hale.

There's another entirely random assassin encounter at the hospital. Derek valiantly jumps in the way to take a bullet for Satomi, but it's not necessary. She's totally got this. She goes all Crouching Tiger, Hidden Werewolf on the killer and then murders her to death.

"I control my anger, but that doesn't mean I can't still use it," she says with a smile, not looking angry at all.

So.... That happened. Thoughts? Comments?

Latest News