“Teen Wolf” 4.09: This Boy Is On Fire

Team Scott homes in on clues to the Benefactor’s whereabouts. Also, Parrish has a revealing experience.

Previously on Teen Wolf…. Super Duper Special Alpha Scott learned a new trick– playing dead. Malia went to have a chat with her dad Peter— a.k.a. Satan in a V-Neck. Braeden ensured her own demise by having open-wound sex with Derek. Scott had wolfy coma dreams about Liam. And Lydia found out important stuff we weren’t allowed to hear until this episode.

Things start off bad. Very, very bad. Deputy Parrish wakes up in his squad car to the foreboding splashing of flammable liquids. If there are going to be any liquids liberally sprayed upon Deputy Handsome, they should not be the flammable kind. For suggestions for acceptable fluids, please see Ao3.

Naturally, the perpetrator of this unacceptable behavior is Deputy Dickwad, because it was clear from his first intro that he’s, well, a dickwad. But hey, did you know that Deputy Haigh is played by Lou Ferrigno’s son? That’s awesome. Character is still in dire need of being Wendigo chow, though.

Parrish flat out begs him to not do the evil thing he’s gonna do and at first I think the unspoken part of his pleas is “or I will go supernatural on your butt.” Those hopes dim as the scene goes on. And then the gasoline is lit and Parrish screams in agony.

Well, thanks for the nightmares, Teen Wolf.

At the Sheriff’s station, Stiles and Lydia are doing their civic duty and keeping the Sheriff in the loop about the Benefactor who may or may not be but probably maybe almost certainly is Lydia’s gramma. They think. Stiles’ dad reacts with his usual exasperation. They think gramsy might have faked her death and they need help tracking the loony old Banshee down to convince her to knock it off with the murder spree.

While that’s going on, a not-dead, not-burned and entirely naked Deputy Handsome struts into the station to have words with Haigh. His usual sunny disposition seems to have temporarily vanished as a result of being immolated, which is understandable.

He beats the living daylights out of Haigh. Sheriff Stilinski tries to stop him and gets shot for his efforts. As all the other deputies of Beacon Hills have been eaten, sacrificed, stabbed by Oni or otherwise died of some horrible supernatural encounter, there is no one else to keep Parrish from beating in Deputy Dickwad’s d-bag face. Yay!

Since there is no way to explain arresting Haigh for attempted murder with Parrish looking all sexily whole and completely intact (a fact verified by an intense examination conducted by Stiles, I think) the show takes the bold step of not even bothering, which is probably the right call. Parrish’s accusation is accepted without question and Haigh gets tossed in a cell.

After getting Jordan cleaned up and looking more like the adorable muffin we all are so fond of, they take him off to Derek’s Loft of Lust for some explanations. He apparently has no idea what he is nor had any idea that he was something other than human.

Derek also has no idea what he is. The interwebs seems to think Parrish is a Phoenix, which would be cool I suppose. Of course, while I adore Jordan Parrish as intensely as I love pizza, I must point out that instead of creating a whole new character to add to the show, they could have given this to the much-beloved and very-missed Danny. This doesn’t have to be “the Danny show” but when you have a character that loved by so many, it’s kind of hard to excuse creating all these new characters to give stories to and then shrug and say, “We just couldn’t think of anything for Danny.”

We now return to your regularly-scheduled snarkfest….

At the hospital, Sheriff Stilinski is fretting over the hospital costs. I can almost maybe talk myself into buying into the Stilinski money woes if I assume they got crushed by hospital bills during Mama Stilinski’s terminal illness—maybe. But okay, come on, he was wounded on the job. There is no way in hell the department isn’t on the hook for the bill.

Stiles and his dad have a heated exchange about just who is taking care of who. This is a great throwback to Season One, where we saw a lot of Stiles looking after his dad. I really love their relationship. I love how Stiles is willing to admit without any guilt that of course he goes through the bills to see how they’re doing. And his dad, who is clearly humiliated by their financial woes and probably feels like he can’t really even do his job anymore without a pack of high schoolers helping out, is wonderfully strident telling Stiles he’s the dad, dammit.

“We’re supposed to take care of each other,” says Stiles.

I get the feeling Mama Stilinski made them promise to do that.

At the loft, Scott finishes going over the List of Paranormal Critters with Parrish, who accepts it without any drama. He does express some interest in the kanima, likely wondering if Jackson will be returning to run around naked some more. Oh, we all wish that could be so.

Apparently, the dead pool has gone out to everyone with a weapon or something. Is it just me or is this season going backwards as far as terrifying danger goes? It started off with the creepy and clever Mute with his flying tomahawk of death and has devolved into It’s A Mad Mad Mad Mad World with every lunatic who has ever played Assassin’s Creed now running around trying to get rich by bagging a Supernatural American.

For example, having failed to kill Liam with sports equipment and Wolfsbane Poison #4, now the Benefactor is just printing pages at him. Seems a little weak, going from whirling tomahawk attacks to just wasting a guy’s toner cartridge. But maybe it will make Liam think he needs to bunk with Scott until things blow, um, over.

Story Time!

Lydia gives us the information that was missing from the last episode. But she only tells Scott and Derek. Stiles isn’t allowed to be there, naturally. One might argue that he had to stay at the hospital, but that didn’t stop him from camping out with Lydia later on, did it? But whatever. At least we get some Lydia, and that’s always good with me.

“So, basically, my gramma was a lezzie, which is why she has never and will never appear on this show, and she had this premonition that it was going to rain. But it wasn’t raining anywhere until my gramma’s partner was out boating and she drowned. So, after that my gramma did all this crazy weird shit to figure out how she had that premonition and eventually that led to Meredith. The scientists figured that since she was a mental patient hearing voices she was probably linked to the paranormal because that totally made sense because they were all on drugs. So they put these headphones on her and made her listen to ’Whip My Hair’ on repeat to see if it would make her make sense of the voices but it just made her insane…er. She left me this encrypted message though.”

“But she didn’t leave you the key, did she?”

“No, Scott, for some reason after carefully encrypting the message she didn’t leave the passcode with it. Crazy, I know.”

After she leaves, Scott sees that Derek left his pistol out. So he plays with Derek’s pistol. Derek warns him to be careful about playing with it because it might just go off. (I’m here all week, folks. Try the veal!)

What actually happens is that Scott says, “Hey, we found out like a month ago that your name is one of the passcodes which means you’re in danger and I just now remembered I meant to tell you.”

Derek understands and accepts Scott’s specialness so he doesn’t get riled. “No, it means I’m supposed to be dead soon. But it’s cool. I’m trying this Zen thing where nothing actually phases me. I figure if I become as boring as possible, my chances of survival go up.”

On his way to school the next morning, Scott realizes that the Bag O Money has been tampered with and it forces him to do math which is really just cruel. I mean, I’m pretty sure he had to take his shoes off so he could use his fingers and toes. Who took the cash? Well, if it was Malia or Peter, they would have taken all of it. If his mother had come across the money there would have been a family meeting wherein she would have wanted to be sure he hadn’t started working for Corbin Fisher. So it more or less has to be Stiles.

Stiles and Lydia take the day off to guess at passwords. Stiles is all, “Is it Maddie?”

“No.”

“How about ’Lydia’?”

“No.”

“Wow, I’m stumped.”

“You are seriously awful at this.”

Meanwhile, in the Beacon Hills Locker Room where clothing must be worn at all times, Coach Finstock tells the team he knows that they will all party like rock stars at the bonfire party and he can’t stop them. Instead, he puts Scott in charge of keeping them in line.

I would point out what a dumb idea that is except for the fact that it’s basically on par with every single one of the coach’s other ideas. Instead I’ll just point out that Danny remains absent.

Scott notices his beta is moody and rushes to offer some alpha comfort. Liam admits to the fact that his printer terrorized him the night before and that his value on the list has gone up for some reason. Scott grips his shoulder and it’s very sweet.

I mean it’s terrible! Awful! I can’t stand it. Remember, people, we must not clue Jeff Davis into the fact that we like them together. All fanfic must now be written in code, like the deadpool. Let’s make the password “Sciam.”

Stiles and Lydia, the problem solvers of Team Scott, realize they need to get to the files of Eichen House in order to solve the mystery of the dead people. Lydia wonders if there’s anyone they know at Eichen House that can help and Stiles completely forgets that Ms. Morrell exists. So that means dealing with the d-bag orderly and offering him a bribe. That’s one option, certainly. Another would be getting Daddy Argent to go in there and put the hurt on the bastard until he coughed up the keys.

Meanwhile, at the party, freshmen Liam and Mason are getting their drink on. I am quite sure kids these days do that, but at a school function on school grounds? Oh well, at least it brings Mason back into the story who gets to fill the “clueless friend” role that has become vacant. It’s nice to see that he really cares for his BFF.

Scott is patrolling the party keeping his eye on things. He runs into Malia who seems to still be pissed at him and Stiles even though it seemed like she forgave Stiles last week but okay. Since Scott can’t convince her to stay away from her evil dad, he tries to warn her that getting drunk is impossible for those of the lycanthropic persuasion.

Only he seems to be wrong, since Liam is doing a swell job of getting plastered. Oh great. Someone spiked the punch with a new special type of wolfsbane, didn’t they?

Braeden impersonates a federal official to join in on the Haigh-bashing. I’m totally okay with this as I still haven’t recovered from the episode’s first scene. Not sure what she wants from him and I don’t really care. Just keep hitting him.

Another person who needs bones broken is the d-bag orderly. He accepts the bribe and sneeringly gives them access to the file room. A second later, he realizes they’ve found him out even though they totally haven’t and so he kidnaps them.

I’m telling you, Papa Argent was the way to go here.

Before he kills them, he wants Lydia to ’splain her grandmother’s last words, which were “don’t hurt Ariel.” I wonder if that was a plea or a warning.

Scott realizes that the latest thing to incapacitate he and his lupine pals is sound. Sure. Okay. You know, I’m starting to think people really shouldn’t worry about werewolves at all since there’s like a hundred-fifty things that render them totally useless. Also, where’s Kira?

Haigh’s cronies (he has cronies?) are working security and they take all the little doggies and douse them in gasoline. This needs to stop now. Sinseriously. Whatever happened to good old-fashioned broadswords?

Derek and Braeden arrive to save the day! Only too late. Who really saves the day? Shockingly, it’s Mason. Did he really just get to impact the plot? OMG. He got a whole hero moment all his own. That’s unprecedented.

He’s gonna die, isn’t he?

Parrish, meanwhile, stops the evil orderly from doing all the evil things. And Stiles and Lydia celebrate the death of the Benefactor—prematurely it turns out. As it happens, the orderly was just a puppet of the actual Benefactor.

Meredith steps out of the shadows, looking all creepy and yet not quite as insane as usual. Well, I suspected she wasn’t dead but I didn’t see this coming. Now the big question is: why? And I’m totally sure that will be answered satisfactorily.

That’s it for this week. See you next week, which I just learned will happen on Sunday. Sound off in the comments!