“Teen Wolf” 4.11: Going Berzerk

The Benefactor may be offline, but all is not copacetic in Beacon Hills. Peter Hale moves his pieces into play for the final (?) conflict.

Previously on Teen Wolf…. After a grueling number of weeks of being hunted by assassins of ever-decreasing ferocity, Team Scott finally put an end to the evil Benefactor by turning it off. Shame it wasn’t a Windows machine. The auto-updates would have shut it off years ago. Meredith expressed regrets over all the evil. Scott came dangerously close to doing something interesting. And Peter revealed that he wants to kill Scott dead.

I swear I thought I’d tuned into Criminal Minds instead of Teen Wolf when this episode started. I mean, I watch so much crime TV that I hardly blink an eye when some lunatic kidnaps some girl and prepares to cut her into bite-sized pieces. But it was only when the scene clarified that it was about dinner time that I realized I was still watching TW.

Doc Deaton arrives on the scene and handily cleans the Wendigo’s clock. He seems to be extremely effective in combat whenever the show needs him to be. But then, I suppose if he got to be too effective and therefore interesting, he’d get eaten by a rabid barghest or something.

It turns out, he’s just there to bring the naughty little cannibal back to Arkham Eichen House where there is a secret underground prison where misbehaving monster people get time-outs. Doc Deaton turns in the Wendigo in trade for some face time with Dr. Hannibal Lecter Valek.

We know Valek is bad news because in addition to having a British accent, he has a brain that winks at you. By and large, brain-winking is considered terribly unsavory behavior. It certainly does a number on Doc Deaton.

While Double D is getting his brains fried up over-easy, Scott is home at Casa McCall where Melissa has discovered the Bag o’ Money. As expected, Mama McCall is none too pleased by the idea that Scott was thinking of keeping some or any of the Hale money.

Scott’s all, ”With this stack of money we can get a new roof. With this stack, Stiles can pay for his MRI. With this stack, I can get Liam that new Firebolt racing broom he’s desperate for. Also, I’d like to not be homeless. I’m just saying.”

Melissa won’t hear any of his excuses though. She holds up a stack of money with blood on it (That’s symbolic, in case you missed it. The show was subtly suggesting it was blood money. You’re welcome.) Scott pouts because this means he’ll have to mow a lot more lawns if he’s going to buy that Firebolt for his puppy.

Speaking of the puppy, Liam is hanging with his bud Mason. I really like Mason and I fear the amount of disappointment that affection is liable to bring me. After getting his butt whooped on the Xbox, Mason calls it a night but Liam doesn’t want to be alone.

It turns out Liam has some sort of PTSD over the time that a Berzerker tossed him around like a beach ball. You know, Liam, Isaac’s room/bunk/cot/wherever-he-slept at the McCall’s is vacant. You can go and hide there.

Onto Derek’s Loft of Simm…. Wait, what…? Oh hell…. Okay, here we go.

Onto Derek’s Loft of Tiresome Heterosexuality. Braeden and Derek are canoodling in his bed, having bored each other to sleep. If there was ever any confusion about the new and entirely unwelcome direction this show is going, it’s right here. After waking when the alarm goes off, the two leap out bed and grab weapons.

Braeden is wearing this:

Derek is wearing pants:

I swear, it’s like the show started out as Dante’s Cove and has morphed without warning or explanation into Melrose Place. I don’t think Mr. Davis would do this, but whoever is responsible needs to report to the unemployment line immediately.

Anyway, they go to the door to investigate who their nocturnal visitor is. Is it UPS? Is it pizza delivery? Is it a land shark? Nope, it’s Lydia with a Banshee-gram.

The next morning, Malia is working hard to wake up Stiles. I can’t imagine why since he’s full-on adorable when he’s drooling into his pillow. I think maybe this might have been cuter or funnier if she’d jumped on and off the bed like a dog. In any case, Stiles isn’t going for it. Not even when she mentions she needs to study for a test to get into senior year.

Nice try, show, but since you’re not going to commit to the story of how Malia has managed to fit into junior year of high school, best just leave it alone. You’ll only embarrass yourself with these little throwaway lines.

Scott stops by the loft to hand over the money to Derek. The newly-zen Sour Wolf is totally cool with Scott having held onto the money. He explains how it really isn’t even his and frankly everyone would be better off if Peter stayed broke.

The best part was when Scott asked where Derek’s money was, Derek said, “You’re standing on it.”

And Scott was all, “You have another vault?”

And some people think I’m making it up when I say Scott’s a doofus. If anything, I undersell it.

Scott assures Derek that they’re all over the whole imminent death problem. Derek isn’t bothered. I wish I knew why he wasn’t bothered. I wish I could be sure there was a good reason for it.

In class, Lydia is totally wigging out. Kira wants her to chill. It’s been hours since anyone was gruesomely killed. The danger is passed. Oh Kira, we’ll forgive you for your wildly misplaced optimism but only because you are so darn cute.

“No one’s dying,” Kira tells her.

And in her best Wednesday Adams voice, Lydia says, “Not yet.”

Liam in the weight room gets all douchey with Mason for no reason. Then he tries to prove how manly he is by benching three hundred pounds. All is going well until his insecurities conjure up visions of a Berzerker pointing and laughing at him and calling him names.

He nearly gets crushed but then Scott is there. And he tells Liam it’s okay if he doesn’t want to be on Team Scott, but he should be nicer to his buds. I expect him to finish with, “And now you know. And knowing is half the battle!”

Remember when Darth Abuela told Chris Argent to grow a pair and help the Calaveras hunt Crazy Kate down? Apparently, after that the Calaveras went on sabbatical. She hasn’t even shown up to zap Scott repeatedly for biting puppy Liam. No, instead it’s Chris Argent all alone. But I suspect he prefers it that way.

He finds the lair of Crazy Kate and the Pips and he also finds Peter. Here’s a question: Why doesn’t he just kill Peter dead? Peter has a pile of bodies to his name. If Chris is really back to following the code, shooting Peter a few dozen times seems totes in character for him.

But he doesn’t. Instead, he shoots at the Berserker who shows up—in spite of the fact that he knows for sure that his guns don’t do squat against these things. You would think he’d at least be packing grenades now.

Scott and Kira decide to have date night, which is cool. They do borrow Derek’s loft, which is creepy. Did he just hand Scott the keys and tell him where the Barry White CDs were located? And why can’t they do it at Casa McCall? It’s not like Melissa is ever home.

Kira brought Star Wars on DVD, but there’s no DVD player or TV so they decide to just bone instead. Again, ew. Seriously. If your buddy is kind enough to loan you his pad for date night than don’t be spreading your fluids all over his furniture.

Fortunately, before Scott can work his Pelvic Sorcery, Crazy Kate shows up. How many times has Derek had to replace that window, anyway?

Papa Stilinski has great news. Owing to the fact that an employee tried to murder Stiles to death, Eichen House has decided to forgive the Stilinski debt. Well, that’s swell. Also, who the bloody hell took the effing stack of cash four episodes ago?

Bad things happen to Chris. This is displeasing. My love for Peter has just been extinguished. It could be reignited by shirtlessness, but we’ll have to see. I am entirely whimsical in my affections. For the moment, impaling Chris and leaving him to die a slow, ugly death is not acceptable and earns my unhappiness.

Scott and Kira get their asses kicked by Cray Cray Kate and the Berzerker. Because of course they do. Heaven forfend they actually make a fight of it. I don’t mind them getting defeated (for the billionth time) but I’d at least like to see them throwing down a little.

As lacrosse gets underway, Stiles and Liam realize Scott and Kira have been missing long enough to file an official missing persons report, but Stiles isn’t worried. Liam, on the other hand, is very worried. He doesn’t much like the idea of facing off against his old teammates without his alpha there to offer support, comfort and a helping hand.

Deputy Handsome shows up to rescue Chris Argent, which is fantastic. But of course Chris has to be all sexy and noble and he tells Jordan Parish to just leave him behind. Of course, being a veteran and pretty much the nicest human ever, there is just no way Jordan is going to do that.

Liam’s Berserkerphobia manifests itself during the game, which makes all of his astonishing lacrosse talents and his new wolfy powers null and void. You know who gives him the “clear eyes, full hearts” speech?

Brett!

I am so pleased his d-baggery didn’t run so deep that he couldn’t be grateful to Scott for saving his perfectly sculpted hiney. So he’s apparently decided to no longer pick on the puppy. He even gives him a thorough talking to about just how lucky he is to have Scott as an alpha and how he would do just about anything to have such a wonderful, fabulous and supremely attractive guy as his alpha.

Deputy Handsome can’t get the bar to bend on his own. He has to get Chris mad enough to help out, so he invokes the name of Allison. It takes Chris a moment to remember who that is and then he and Jordan bend that rebar like a pair of Bosses. During the bending, Parish’s eyes glow. Is that just a thing for all paranormal people?

Crazy Kate wolfnaps Scott and takes him to the Temple of Doom from the season premiere. She wants to turn him into a Berzerker so his own friends will kill him. Huh? Kate was never what I would describe as “stable” but coming back from the dead seems to have addled her wits. Her plans are so downright bizarre and overcomplicated that they make me dizzy.

She says she wants Scott’s friends to kill him, but Team Scott has proven utterly useless at fighting the Pips. So is it that she wants to force Scott to kill an innocent? Maybe the reason Peter hasn’t killed Scott yet is because he can’t steal the power of a True Alpha.

Doc Deaton recovers from having Dr. Valek try to kill him with his brain, thanks to Lydia and probably the judicious application of a scream. He knows where Kate has taken Scott and Kira. So the showdown is set.

And that’s it for the penultimate episode of S4. Sound off in the comments!