Thanksgiving is a great time to come out of the closet. You’ve probably got your family around you—including some of those older relatives you don’t see that often—but you don’t have the weird pressure of Christmas, where you feel like you can’t shock Uncle Pip after he just gave you that $20 gift card to Red Lobster. At Thanksgiving, nobody’s giving you anything, except possibly a serving of mashed potatoes, and if things get hairy, you can always drive down to Boston Market and get some your damn self.
And you know what? You might as well come out in style. Why not give ‘em a Turkey Day to remember? If you want to blow your family’s hair back, then I encourage you to come out in the following ways.
(Note: You may not actually want to take my advice here. It may go better for you if you take a more thoughtful, dignified route, since some of these methods could actually your senior relatives.)
* I love your stuffing grandma, but I really love stuffing a man.
* Uncle Pip, when you say “pass the white meat,” are you referring to Uwe, my German boyfriend? Because he’s mine, Pippers! He’s mine!
* You know why I love Thanksgiving, cousin Shirley? Because it’s like a White Party, but without the loud music, shallow people, and lines of expensive coke you have to snort off a man’s penis before he even lets you put it in your mouth. Anyway, can you pass the cranberry compote?
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* You’re right, mom! That cat is crazy for trying to get in that box! But you know what’s even crazier? The way these lesbians talk about gaydar! Do you know what I mean?
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* I can help you make that turkey, mom. Just look at the cooking advice I got from Moses, the Gay Pilgrim! And yes, of COURSE I know him! We all know each other. [in a whisper] There’s a velvet mafia.
Mark Blankenship spent a long time looking for a photo of a gay man dressed like a slutty pilgrim, but he didn’t find one. He tweets as @IAmBlankenship