16 Subtle Ways to Come Out as Gay to Your Family This Thanksgiving

When the turkey comes out of the oven, you can come out of the closet.

Coming out as gay on Thanksgiving is a smart holiday strategy, as it gives you the chance to gauge people’s reactions to the news before you decide whether or not to buy them a Christmas gift.

But telling people you’re gay is a deeply personal process that’s different for everyone. There’s no set method or time. You may not be ready to spill the tea for all of Facebook or share your experience in a deeply moving art piece, and that’s okay! Maybe you aren’t the showy type.

Personally, when it comes to coming out, I’m a fan of being subtle. Subtlety is classy. Subtlety is mysterious. Subtlety is Mariah Carey attempting choreography. Which is why I’ve assembled a short list of some incredibly low-key ways to tell your family that you’re queer AF this Thanksgiving.

1. Make repeated comments about the girth of this year’s seasonal gourds.

via GIPHY

2. Give all the scented candles exciting new titles like “Maple(thorpe) Pecan” and “Pumpkin Spice Girls Reunion Tour.”

via GIPHY

3. Your aunt asks when you’ll settle down with a nice girl. Respond, “I just want to concentrate on work right now. A lot of interesting things have been developing at the office in the digital marketing sector, and I see a lot of potential growth there.” (But say it all while doing your best Carol Channing impression. You got this, kiddo!)

via GIPHY

4. During the Thanksgiving Day Parade, show off your encyclopedic knowledge of the Rockettes.

via GIPHY

5. Whenever a commercial for the new Grinch movie comes on TV, exclaim, “Ugh, this queen again?”

via GIPHY

6. While your sister’s boyfriend empties the cranberry sauce by vigorously smacking the bottom of the can, casually inquire if you could be next.

via GIPHY

7. Loudly discuss how tacky the Puritans were for wearing those big buckles on their shoes.

via GIPHY

8. When your mother asks you to find the french fried onions to top the green bean casserole, slam them down on the counter and proudly proclaim, “The onions were deep in the pantry. But they’re out now…in the kitchen. They feel seen. They feel loved.” Wrap your mom in a bear hug and whisper, “The onions are lucky to have you as a mom.”

via GIPHY

9. Star in a one-man staged reading of Angels in America: Parts I & II as the halftime show to your family’s annual touch football game.

via GIPHY

10. Wow your family with a Tom of Finland-inspired tablescape. Instead of name cards at each seat, include seasonal safety words so people can escape your cousin Diane’s pregnancy stories. (Seriously, shut the fuck up, Diane.)

via GIPHY

11. Corner your nieces and nephews at the kiddie table and deliver a stirring lecture on cultural appropriation, Native American heritage, and Bob Mackie’s iconic design work in Cher’s “Half Breed” video.

via GIPHY

12. When your dad asks for beef, lean over the prime rib to gossip about the Nicki Minaj-Cardi B. fight.

via GIPHY

13. When it’s your turn to say what you’re thankful for, reply, “Finding the right toner for my skin, and the fact that the current administration hasn’t been able to fully dismantle the federal laws that protect Americans from being fired based on our sexuality or gender identification.” Then down a glass of wine in one gulp before smashing it against the wall.

via GIPHY

14. Stuff your grandma’s wig full of rose petals and then right before dessert, yank it off her head for a big, Sasha Velour-reveal. (Trust me, she’ll love it.)

via GIPHY

15. Prepare a beautiful peach pie. In response to cries for pumpkin or apple, launch into a detailed description of Call Me By Your Name.

via GIPHY

16. Pat your belly after dinner and say, “Wow! I’m so stuffed I don’t think I’ll ever sleep with a
woman.”

via GIPHY

Topher Cusumano is a full-time writer and part-time teen witch from Brooklyn. His work has been seen in SplitSider, Point in Case, Hornet Stories, and Marriott Traveler, and more.
@tophcus