The 3 Gayest Things About Last Night’s ‘X Factor’: It’s Raining Men

San Fran based boy band, Citizen, on the X Factor stage

The cute boys of Citizen!

With week two of the X Factor upon us, things are still pretty gay on the super-sized singing competition. Let’s review.

Britney Spears sang Happy Birthday to L.A. Reid. We know this was very short. Like, blink, and you could have missed it short. But, when we dreamed a dream (just like Susan Boyle did on Britain’s Got Talent. See what we did there?) of Britney Spears judging this season, this was the moment for which we had hoped. Seriously, we wouldn’t be mad at Fox if they just had Britney do a miniature concert at the beginning of every episode. In fact, they should just launch a show where we get to hear the sweet, sweet musical stylings of our idol for two hours each week. It could be called the Brit Factor and it would be the BEST SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION!!! But we digress. Stuck in one of those weird staged reality segments that we told you about last week, Britney walked out with a cake (that looked like it had been purchased from Kroger. Money’s tight, huh Fox?), and in a quiet and almost vulnerable way, sang her little heart out to L.A. We’ve said it once and we’ll say it again. Gimme more!

A Boy Band from San Francisco made it through to the next level. We have to admit that we were tipped off to this one by the underscoring of the Weather Girls’ “It’s Raining Men,” which is the gayest song of all time. But then, the guys of Citizen really delivered the gayness over and over again. From their overly styled fashions that made them look like they stepped out of an H&M ad to their self described heart throb front man, Patrick Hartigan, getting all flustered by the dilemma of whether to wear his collar popped up or laying flat (seriously, this was a MAJOR decision for him and he was very disturbed that all of his band mates suggested that it should be worn down), these boys gave us old school light choreo and five part harmony, to boot. But the ultimate in gay here was their song selection: En Vogue’s, “Don’t Let Go.” For all of you children that don’t know who En Vogue is, they were four funky divas that were on the scene with a fierceness in the early 90’s. Think Destiny’s Child, but a bit more mature and a lot sexier. Gosh we miss them. Anywho, this boy group got a stamp of approval from all, but Simon, who was confused by what he deemed a throwback act. “Guys, it’s like you’re in a time machine, for me.” We agree, Simon. These boys are cute, but they’re never gonna get it.

A large, soulful diva with a smile as bright as the sun warmed our hearts and sang her face off. We knew we liked 42-year old Dallas native, Panda Denise Ross, when we first caught glimpse of that amazing gold chain she rocked with the word “Single” hanging across her heart (We want that necklace. Seriously. Where can we get that necklace)!? And we liked her even more when she let us know that she wore the self identifying jewelry for Simon, explaining that, “Simon is my baby daddy. That is why I wanted to be here today. To let him know his baby mamma is here for you, baby!” Then, we really fell in love when she explained that she was name Panda because, “My mom well, she was kind of, in jail when she had me and her cell mate was a white lady and she was black.” (That just reminds us of Latrice Mutha F-ing Royale and who doesn’t love that bitch)?! But, this diva completely sealed the deal when she opened her mouth to sing and gave us full on Mahalia Jackson with a little bit of Adele. For real, this lady saaaaaang, y’all!  Before Ms. Ross took the stage she told us, “I’m just ready to go in there and let America have a little piece of Panda – a little piece of Panda Pie.” All we can say is, we want another piece!

Previously: The 3 Gayest Things About Last Night’s X Factor