The 3 Gayest Things About Last Night’s ‘X Factor’

Britney and Demi. (Fox)

Night two of X Factor proved almost as gay as the first.  And here’s why.

One of the contestants was a Britney Spears stalker.  A 20-year old cashier named Patrick Ford seemed sweet enough when he first declared his love for Ms. Spears, “I can’t believe I am meeting Britney Spears.  It’s like meeting God.”  We can hardly argue with him there. But guess what?  He’s not that innocent.  The gays love their Brit Brit, but this kid drove that fan train into Spooky-town.  Things started to get weird when he proclaimed, “I think she might be my sister.  Do I look like her at all?  I just need a blonde wig.  Honestly, I thought about that, I just thought it would be too creepy.”  Um, yes, Pat, yes, that would have been the creepiest – especially because your goal for winning the five mil was so that you could, “Have a nice ass girlfriend named Britney Spears.” But even without the wig, Pat served up a heaping helping of Nutjob.  As he took the stage with a flower arrangement for his idol that appeared to be purchased at a hospital gift shop, he began to sing shout “Circus” directly to Spears.  Thankfully Simon intervened and cut the audition short.  All we can say is, you better watch your back, Britney.  The crazy closeted gays are coming for you.

A large, gay, Goth from SF shocked the judges with an amazing performance.  After a montage of terrible singers, we were set up to believe that the judges were never going to find anyone that possessed the factor X.  What would happen?!  How could they go on?!  WOULD THEY HAVE TO CANCEL THE ENTIRE SEASON?!?!  And just then, like a Drag Queen at a family reunion, we heard the heart-stopping underscoring of Miss Dolly Parton’s 9 to 5, introducing 24-year old Jason Brock, to put our gay minds at ease.  It was clear that we were being set up for the over-the-top singer to be terrible.  A mildly homophobic story started to unfold with shots of the crowd laughing at the flamboyant singer and Simon rolling his eyes as Brock dished about his dream concert:  “I have an idea in mind.  If I was going to do a stage show, BIG show, it would start with, like, a dark stage with kind of smoky white light, then I walk up through the shadows to center stage, like I am right now, then I’ll be doing my thing and as I’m going, ‘Oooh,’ dancers will descend, two on each side of me down  to the floor and then the stage is going to rise with my dancers around me and then I’ll give my last little, ‘Ooo-oo-ooh,’ and my dancers will jump off with a big glitter explosion.”  Well guess what?  He shut them all up with a quickness by giving us a fierce rendition of Billy Joel’s “New York State of Mind” that would have made Whitney Houston proud.  In your FACE, haters!

A 13-year old sweetheart became a diva right before our very eyes.  They certainly saved the best for last, y’all.  Cute as a button, Carly Rose Sonenclar, could not have been more unassuming, chatting with her parents back stage and giggling at how loud all the other contestants were in the holding room.  She talked of how she hoped that Demi and Britney would look at her and say, “Whoa, that’s just like me.  That’s where I was one time,” and told us that she, “always get a little nervous, just seeing all the people, and nerves are good, I think, to have a little bit of nerves.”  This child seemed like just that – a child. AND THEN, she opened her mouth to sing Nina Simone’s “Feeling Good” and all at once channeled Ella Fitzgerald, Beyonce and Simone herself, bringing the house down and garnering a standing ovation from all four Judges.  Seriously, this little gal turned it OUT! Demi’s response was, “I’m obsessed!” L.A. was accurate with, “OH MY GOD.  Honey, you may be thirteen, but your soul is old!”  But, Britney said it best with, “Wow, Miss Thang! You are a little diva!!”  We couldn’t agree more, Brit.  The gays love a diva and while the race just started, our money is on this pint-sized superstar for the win.