Bravo’s Real Housewives franchise has brought us so many glorious years of wine-tossing, table flipping and diva tantrums. And tonight The Real Housewives Of New York City returns with a bit of a facelift.
But even more fabulous than the wigs, plastic surgery and threats of jail time is the music. We live for the hot garbage these ladies shovel into our eardrums—whether croaking above a basic dance beat or pouring their Pinot Grigio-pickled heart out in a sappy ballad.
This week we rank our seven favorite singles from Bravo’s ever-growing roster of domestic goddesses.
Simon Van Kampen, “I Am Real”
Okay, so ex-RHONYer Alex’s husband isn’t technically a housewife, but given the amount of screen time and drama he provided, Simon might as well be.
Simon endlessly denied rumors of being gay, but the first single from a House-husband feels like a formal emancipation from the closet atop a rock-tinged pop pulse: “I am who I am…and that’s the deal!”
Get it, gurl!
Danielle Staub, “Real Close (feat. Lori Michaels)”
When she wasn’t stirring up the shit in Jersey, deliciously devilish TV villain Danielle Staub
fakedformed a relationship lesbian singer Lori Michaels and released the Sapphic duet “Real Close.” )
The clip above is the greatest performance of a song on any show, ever. Seriously. Just watch the juicy guido muscle dancers voguing around Danielle and twirling each other on their heads.
Kim Zolciak, “Tardy For The Party”
Kim Zolciak’s so-bad-it’s-still-bad debut has gone down as perhaps the most memorable musical monstrosity to (allegedly) emerge from a Housewive’s mouth. Not-so-lil Kim has plenty of tragic performances of this monotone jam, although nothing quite like her 2011 New Years’ Eve performance on Watch What Happens Live.
The Countess, “Chic C’est La Vie”
“Born This Way” who? “Express Yourself” what? The Countess has all the self-empowerment you need in the form of “Chic, C’est La Vie,” a glamorous dance-pop ode dedicated to diamonds, jets and endless romance.
Bonus points for roping in a bunch of the Housewives ladies for the hysterically fab music video. “Live the life you want to live…there’s no sympathy.” C’est bon! C’est bon!
Miss Lawrence, “Closet Freak”
Technically, Miss Lawrence is only a friend to the Real Housewives of Atlanta, but that doesn’t stop this fierce queen from launching a pop anthem—produced by none other than Kandi Burruss!
The Georgia Peach shuts down all the mens treating her like a sidepiece, with lyrics like, “I’m not your closet freak! I’m not your wham bam, thank you ma’am!”
Miss Lawrence’s vocals are refreshingly solid, and the production ain’t too bad, either. Apparently, the world just wasn’t ready to step out of this particular closet.
2. Melissa Gorga, “On Display”
The hottest Housewife of them all—or at the very least, out of her own cast—the Jesus-loving Jersey girl came out guns blazin’ with this uptempo dance cut that invaded gay clubs across the tristate area.
“It’s about empowerment, about being who you are and not caring what anyone thinks,” Gorga told Get Out magazine before performing the song at Six Flags Gay Day in 2012.
Kenya Moore, “Gone With The Wind Fabulous”
This powerful anthem features RuPaul’s Drag Race diva Shangela in the music video, with cameos by B. Scott and Pony Zion. But when Beyoncé declared her 2013 Super Bowl halftime performance was “Gone with the Wind” fabulous, Miss USA 1993 Kenya Moore earned her spot at the top of this list.
A mess has never looked or sounded so hot. Now twirl, twirl, twirl!