Big Brother is the most mind-numbing pop culture experiment on TV, and you have to applaud it. Simply put, it's The Sims without the humanity. The CBS staple pits a bunch of housemates with and against each other, as they have to conspire and gossip (and lie and betray) in order to vote each other out and win a $500,000 prize. It is infuriating and unmissable. I'll be watching the 14th season premiere this Thursday.

The best thing about the show is that the producers cast archetypal competitors (The brawny model! The sultry cocktail waitress! The mother of four! The infuriating magenta-haired monster!), so singling out its hottest dudes is a pretty simple task. They're all but labeled "HOT DUDES." Here they are, Big Brother's 10 hottest men. (And let me add: I'm basing this on pin-up appeal; I refuse to endorse the viewpoints/personalities of any single Big Brother contestant no matter who they are.)

9. Jeff Schroeder (BB11, BB13)

It's funny that a contestant can be so likable in one season (Big Brother 11) and so untenable in another (Big Brother 13), but that's the case with Jeff Schroeder, who lasted for quite awhile in both seasons with his cutesy girlfriend Jordan, the winner of season 11. The diehard Chicagoan could sometimes be completely ignorant -- oh, and did I mention homophobic? And stupid? -- but his gigantic sapphire irises qualify him for contention here.

8. Neil Garcia (BB9)

We saw very little of gay realtor Neil before he fled Big Brother's ninth season due to an urgent personal matter, but his classic hotness is forever burned into my brain. Look at that cheeky torso move on the left! That's something you do for gay audiences only.

7. Keith Henderson (BB13)

Speaking of early evictees, Keith was booted so early from the Big Brother house in season 13 that we barely glimpsed the Bolingbrook, IL native's gorgeous bod. I was actually more upset about losing the glamorously backwoods Cassi so early on, but Keith's cockiness was just as valuable. Probably would've made for a juicier season had he survived.

6. Jessie Godderz (BB10)

I admit I'm chuckling a little bit in ranking Jessie this high. He was such a clod on the show -- Who could forget how he gushed at his own bodybuilding pictures in his Head of Household room? -- that it's hard to take his brooding model face seriously. But I mean, facts are facts: The body is unreal, the naughty leg up in the left picture is naughty, and his voicelessness in these stills is appreciated.

5. Dominic Briones (BB13)

I can't quite explain why I'm sympathetic towards the more recent seasons of Big Brother, but I will say that Dominic's flirty cuteness and guileless scheming made the first half of season 13 watchable. He tried sucking up to everybody and earned an early exit, but we'll always have his slightly nefarious stare to cherish.

4. Will Kirby (BB2 and BB7: All-Stars)

Let us be absolutely clear: Masterfully calculating gameplay is totally hot. Will Kirby won the second season of Big Brother handly, and he enjoyed a great run in the All-Stars season. His confidence is unforgettable, as is his amazing quote: "You have to ask yourself, 'Can anyone take pleasure in watching groups of people get angry with each other and tear each other apart verbally, psychologically, and emotionally?' I can, and I sit there and do it every day." Best player ever? Perhaps.

3. Drew Daniel (BB5)

The winner of season five is about as prototypically "hot" as they come -- and also as expectedly lame. He's the fratty, moneyed guy who quotes the Bible and cheats on his girlfriend, and those are stupid things. But he also has the scruff and bone structure worthy of his very brief The Bold and the Beautiful. I vote to tolerate him.

2. Nick Starcevic (BB8)

I actually apologize for the EXTREME muscle-iness of this post, but look at those stunning eyes and those even-more-stunning blue shorts: The unsuccessfully schmoozy model tried cuddling with gay competitors Dustin and Joe, and I give him credit for that fanfiction-y crusade. But let's mostly give him credit for his zany-ass body, all right? It's a classic.

1. Nathan Marlow (BB4)

I'm not usually a connoisseur of blonds (though you wouldn't know it based on the #1 pick from my list of So You Think You Can Dance hotties), but Nathan Marlow just had it all, looks-wise: soap star hair, a buttery bod, and apparently the wherewithal to pose for some hotttttt personal stills. He was a mid-pack player, but a champion-level hunk. A real triumph.

Any disagreement out there? Feel free to backdoor me. (Yow!)