These florists are in it to win it.

There is a large genus of flowers known as Taraxacum which includes two species T. erythrospermum and T. officinale which are found around the world. From the Asteraceae family, these plants are completely edible. They have smaller flowers that together form a flower head. The common name of the plant is derived from the French word dent-de-lion which translates roughly to mean “lion’s tooth.” The dandelion is also celebrated in an festival that takes place ever year in White Sulphur Springs, West Virginia.

Last night marked America’s first glimpse into Gigi Levangie-Grazer’s fever dream that the Logo Network has decided to call “The Arrangement.” This is most likely due to some Faustian agreement between Gigi and a few, young nubile production assistants. Before our frisky authoress apparated on the scene, however, we were introduced to the 10 ambitious floral designers that will compete in this season for a brand new car, $25,000 dollars, and probably like a couple bouquets or something.

The first garden gnome to stumble into the room was Eddie from Los Angeles and his strange facial hair. All of the florists were asked to bring their “signature arrangement” and Eddie’s looked like something out of a Grimm’s fairy tale set in a dollar store. There were all these red flowers held together by what looked like the remnants of a rave or something. It was very color coordinated and cute, and he came off as very happy to be there.

Next up was Gloria from Chicago who used to be a Cook County Sheriff. Wait, what? Come again?? You know one of these florists are gonna get knifed when greenhouse martial law is imposed after some team challenge goes horribly wrong. I’m guessing this will happen around Episode 7. Gloria’s bouquet had a purple hue and blended a lot of different textures into an arrangement that seemed to flow well. Especially for a James Patterson heroine.

If a gang of tulips from metro Detroit were really into S&M they would probably look a lot like the arrangement that gardening cherub Derek brought out with him when he walked into the room. Seriously. These tulips were twisted, tied down, and 100% real about it.

Then there was Guillermo. Hey Guillermo. Let’s talk. How are flowers different in America than Argentina? Do they have sexy accents? How many people does it take to make a bouquet? Guillermo’s arrangement had a lot of bright colors which he said “described his personality.” I think Guillermo could also be described by the water in his vase because he’s like a tall glass of it. This is an objective fact I’m stating.

Tara popped up next and you know this girl is just so over it. Her arrangement hilariously and adorably matched her top so I hope she got some extra points for that or something. Also, the “English Garden” theme she chose is the perfect aesthetic for the closed-door murder mystery Gloria will inevitably have to solve in a few episodes. She thought those days were behind her.

And then there’s Bonnie. Bonnie’s been doing floral arranging for 12 weeks. She showed up with a couple flowers that she shoved a stick in. I love Bonnie.

Anil was the next contestant to arrive, and it’s clear that he’s positioning himself as the “controversial” contestant. Along those lines, his arrangement looked vaguely and “controversially” like deconstructed genitals. Then Mohawk Tenley brought out a big vase of Mohawk Lilies, Masculine Russ brought out some ‘Roses of the Bro,’ and crazy Jenny brought some flowers that made both “her heart happy” and ours.

“Are all these flowers for meeeeee?”

Somebody's looking for trouble...

Hark! What voice from yonder stage entrance breaks?? Why it’s Gigi Levangie Grazer, author of The Starter Wife and Queen Takes King, and our magical fairy host for this realty television secret death garden. GLG tells all of the contestants that they’re about to take flowers where they’ve never been before, and we most definitely believe her. She then brings out the “lord high emperor of floral design” Eric Buterbaugh, and tells them they’ll be judged on their Artistry, Resourcefulness, and Execution.

A.R.E.

And then, BAM! It was already time for the First. Seedling. Challenge. Gigi immediately summons the zany cast of characters to the soundstage that we assume have been hiding in her boudoir, and tells the contestants that they’d be covering these poor models’ naked bodies with sushi and the flowers from the arrangements they brought. “Stand still,” thought Aaron in his black bathrobe, “Gigi said this was the last job, and then we’d get out of this business.”

Another one of Gigi's casualties...

The florists broke up into pairs and started their raw fish bedazzling efforts. The team that seemed to work together the best was Guillermo and Jenny. Their flowers complemented one another well. Eddie pretty much spent the entire time making a vegetarian murkin wig.

“I put the wasabi and the ginger on her breasts and thought. We have a great chance to win.” Indeed you do Russ. Indeed.

Gloria’s team ended up making a flower bikini, and dear Sister Bonnie just threw some California Rolls on an extra from Dexter and called it good. Guillermo and Jenny won the challenge which meant they got to pick their teams for the next challenge. Segway!

As Gigi continued to fill the “flower puns” quota written into her contract for each episode, she explained that this week’s ‘Weeding Out’ challenge would be to design a flower sculpture for some mall. But a “vibrant” and “fun” mall! No worries! A door parted to reveal life-size wire frame figures that were clearly former models that Gigi had long ago tired of. Each team would make a male and female shopping flower person. Guillermo and Jenny picked their teams, and poor Sister Bonnie and Derek were picked last.

The contestants then packed into vans and were ushered off to the Los Angeles Flower Mall for supplies. Upon arriving, the florists immediately started running around like chorus members in Orson Welles’ Voodoo Macbeth. “Go! Go! Go!” Shouted Eddie. “We couldn’t find the gerber daisys” coo’d Guillermo. “The flowers are talking to me,” said Jenny as she slowly began to wander off down an aisle.

Real men RUN for their flowers dude.

A couple of hours later, after the contestants finally pulled Jenny out of a scrap heap in WeHo, they returned to the studio. Team Jenny decided to wrap their models up in saran wrap like Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes, though the results looked slightly less delicious. On the other team, Guillermo and Tara were getting a little tense as Tara accused Guillermo of being a “weak leader.” Sacrilege. He may be a weak leader, but he’s definitely got some strong arms. That should cancel out right?

Thankfully, while the contestants were off having a happy shopping day at the Los Angeles Flower Mall, our Gigi or Perpetual Frisk took the time to change into something a little more catsuit. She pounced into the room while the teams were working on their sculptures, and made them swap their weakest players. This made poor Eddie get all Muppet Show tense in the face area.

Guillermo obviously chose Tara, but when Jenny decided to choose Sister Bonnie poor thing called her “Bobby.” How hilarious is that? She didn’t even know her name. Too real, you guys. This is not what Bonnie left the French Alps for. Back in the interview segment she was all “Her forgetting my name just shows how scared she is of me,” and the viewing audience just slowly and contentedly shook their heads.

Because nothing screams Capitalism like flower cut-offs

Back in the game, Team Jenny bounced back by adding some shopping bags to their flower people, and the other team frantically tried to hide their floral staples. (OMG I just decided to start a band called “floral staples.”) Then, it was time for the Judge’s Table.

First of all, I’d like to state that I fully support the producers of this show’s decision to not let five minutes go by without somehow finding a way to work Gigi into the scene. To be honest, I wish this entire show was just people arranging Gigi Levangie Grazer in different positions. And in some ways, it is.

When we get to the Judge’s Table, Gigi introduced the guest judges. First was a representative from the local mall that is in such desperate need of flower people, and secondly was a woman who’s “seen flowers up close and personal.” You guessed it: Nancy O’Dell. Oh hey, Nancy. Missed you at the BBQ last weekend.

Looking back, each of the contestants wondered where it all went wrong. And why it felt so right.

So the teams presented their flower people mall shoppers. Team Jenny made a super cute skirt out of all these little flowers, but the top they made didn’t really balance out. The blue hydranga shoes were like BOGO cute tho. Unfortunately, their male statue just looked a little middle flower management if you know what I mean.

Glorious Guillermo then introduced us to his friends the Princess and Prince Rodulfo. Oh my! I had no idea we were in the presence of royalty. Enchanté! These statues were definitely a bit more messy than the other team’s. The greens didn’t really go together, and their male statue looked like Pinocchio after he’d fallen in a swamp. Guillermo and Tara argued a little bit more, and then Russ gave us an NFL play by play of his floral inspiration.

The judges chatted for a bit, which was probably just Gigi whispering dirty words in Buterbaugh’s ear, and then rightfully declared Team Jenny the winner. Yeah! They got a $1000 shopping spree at a “vibrant” and “fun” mall, and were told to proceed to the “Greens Room.”

With Guillermo’s team left, Derek and Sister Bonnie were unsurprisingly selected as the bottom two. They were then forced to, I don’t know, basically just arrange flowers for their lives. I think that they’re referring to it as “putting the petals to the metal.” That works too. With a table full of flowers to choose from, both of the florists were given 3 minutes to arrange THE BEST ARRANGEMENT THEY COULD ARRANGE. It was for serious intense.

Derek put together a cute orange thing with these grass loops. Sister Bonnie played it safe, and just put a few flowers in a vase. It was a tough call. But after Gigi whispered “scrotum” in Nancy O’Dell’s ear, the judges decided to send Sister Bonnie home. She thanked them for the opportunity and left, leaving the studio, not knowing exactly what direction to head. For how do you solve a problem like Bonnie? As complicated as any seedling, but as common as a dandelion.