Prior to watching last night’s premiere episode of The Bachelor, I wasn’t so pumped about this season with Sean Lowe, America’s Nicest Bachelor. I really wanted Arie Luyendyk Jr, the Bachelorette runner-up who made Emily Maynard say the phrase “stupid hot,” to be this season’s Bachelor. At least we got an Arie appearance last night, and I must say it didn’t disappoint. Mostly because Arie brought out Sean’s true BRO side; when Arie had Sean practice giving rejections, Sean said (for the win), “I can’t use ‘it’s not you it’s me’ because it’s obviously gonna be them.” TRUE, BRO, TRUE.
I’ll hand it to the producer’s Sean, though, because apparently he asked for a diverse group of girls this season, and that is what he got. Don’t get me wrong – they’re all still batshit crazy – I just appreciate the modicum of variety in contestants this time around.
With that said, here are the 19 girls who got roses last night, with a brief summary of what we learned about them in the episode (with some commentary from Straight Guy, who I watched with last night):
AshLee Frazier – A personal organizer (“That’s a job? No way.” – Straight Guy) and adopted. I swear I’m not heartless, but crying while talking about looking for love and being moved from home to home as a child isn’t a turn-on for BROs, AshLee. Your days are numbered.
Robyn Howard – After she fell while trying to do the handspring upon exiting the window, Straight Guy said (after rewinding to re-watch the scene again and laughing), “There’ll be no sexual attraction after that.” Sorry girls, as RuPaul says: “Don’t fuck it up.”
Lindsay Yenter – Referring to her wedding dress: Lindsay, “I’ve got balls.” Sean, “Well, I hope not.” While the wedding dress thing was awkward, she did set Sean up for one of the best lines of the night. This is the dynamic pairing romantic comedies are made of, folks.
Desiree Hartsock – LOL. Sorry, thinking about this girl — and Straight Guy’s reaction to her head popping up over a headless mannequin with a bridal veil on [see above] — cracks me the hell up. She seems nice, but a little stage 5 clinger.
Taryn Daniels – She started crying because Sean wasn’t paying her any attention. I know this isn’t baseball, but I really think Tom Hanks needed to be there in that moment to give Taryn a bit of advice:
Tierra LiCausi – I think the best non-Sean line of the night was after Tierra entered the mansion with a rose already in hand, and one girl proclaimed: “Did she come with that?” GET READY FOR THE CLAWS TO COME OUT.
Lesley Murphy – This is my number one pick for Sean! Okay, her schtick with the pretending to hike a football to look at Sean’s butt was a little trite. BUT, she seems smarter than most of the other girls. I guess I like smart?
Diana Willardson – She has two kids at home (TWO!), and she is away from them for two months to find love with Sean Lowe. I’ll leave this one to the Straight Guy: “I just think that’s a red flag right there.”
Amanda Meyer — Upon exiting the limo this one made Sean stare at her in silence for an uncomfortably long time because apparently this happens a lot on her first dates. Lady girl, this only happens to people who have nothing to say.
Katie Levans – The Rebecca Gayheart look-alike and yoga teacher was a favorite of mine until she stepped out of the limo with NO SHOES and tried to show Sean yoga moves. Too Mother Earth. Plus, she’s got cats. That’s two strikes.
Selma Alameri – Based purely on looks, this woman was my front-runner. She looks like a buxom Shiri Appleby. But by golly, she just doesn’t seem very interesting. Get a personality, sister, and you’d have the whole package.
It’s gonna be a good season, people.