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'The Bachelor' Recap: Sean Is More Than A Pretty Set Of Pecs

On the day when President Obama made history by mentioning the word “gay” in his inaugural speech (two hips for POTUS!), the world kept on turning and The Bachelor opens with more gratuitous shirtless shots of Sean (two hips for ABC!).

[caption id="attachment_86379" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Nothing to see here, folks[/caption]

I thought this was an important character-building episode for Sean because he actually shows more than a modicum of good judgment and decency throughout. Not only does he call Kacie B out for trying to throw two women under the bus (cue Mckayla’s not impressed), he also shows his charitable side on a heartwarming date with AshLee. Here are my thoughts on each of Sean’s dates this week with some additional, unadulterated, commentary from Straight Guy.

One-On-One Date with Lesley

Sean takes Lesley to the Guinness Book of World Records museum and after a dull few minutes inside, he basically forces her to attempt to break the record for Longest Onscreen Kiss in front of a crowd on the sidewalk. Straight Guy says, “You know what would be really impressive? If she were like, ‘I am a lady, and I’m not going to partake in this.’” That would be a (literally) show-stopping turn of events. Unfortunately, however, Lesley accepts the challenge, and we are made to watch the two soporifically touch lips for three minutes. Sean says, “at that moment it was really just about the two of us sharing a very romantic kiss together.” Mhm.

[caption id="attachment_86380" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Straight Guy: "I like the split shot. It is like a Brian de Palma movie."[/caption]

Later, when Lesley and Sean are having some wine on top of the Roosevelt Hotel, shit gets even more boring. Lesley tells him that she was, “kind of a nerd growing up” (Straight Guy: “Oh god”), and Sean nods in sympathy because, like Lesley, he too took AP classes. K, give this girl a rose already, and let’s get to the good stuff… the always hilarious group date!

Group Date

[caption id="attachment_86382" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Straight Guy: "God Sean, they're just demeaning you."[/caption]

It’s the classic date where the girls are pitted against one another in some inane sports competition, and the losers have to go home without getting any post-date, one-on-one quality time with the unlimited wine Sean. The ladies are split into two teams and compete against one another in beach volleyball. After the ladies frolic on the beach in their bikinis sort of hitting the ball (Straight Guy: “Smash cuts make it look like there’s really something happening"), the team comprised of Daniella, Leslie, Kristy, Tierra and Catherine loses.

[caption id="attachment_86381" align="aligncenter" width="500"] You'll get 'im next time, ladies[/caption]

Two of the girls cry (hold it together, Kristy and Leslie!), and Sean is bummed for a moment before seeing the six hot winning girls in their bikinis and remembering: “I get quality time with the six remaining girls… and, I think I really need that.” It’s a deep moment.

The best part of the group date is when Kacie B pulls Sean aside to tell him that she feels uncomfortable because Desiree and Amanda blabbidy blah blah, pretty much revealing that she hasn’t done ANY of her research before going on this show. If she had, she would know that the strategy of trying to drag The Bachelor into the girl drama is a surefire way to get sent home ASAP. Sean tells Kacie B to stop being the “crazy person” he’s seeing, and Straight Guy gives Sean’s no bullshit response the thumbs up.

One-On-One with AshLee

Before their date begins, Tierra takes a tumble, to which Straight Guy accurately compares to sounding like “a dinosaur [falling] down the stairs.” Paramedics come, but Tierra refuses to go to the hospital because she proclaims it, “so stupid.” The other girls look suspiciously on as Sean and Tierra get some cuddly alone at the mansion. I gotta hand it to Tierra, she may not be too eloquent with her words, but her strategy is effective.

Now onto the date with AshLee. Sean brings AshLee to a completely unpopulated Six Flags theme park, and he tells her that he also has invited two girls who have Mitochondrial disease to join them. This is easily the best/sweetest part of the show, especially when Emily, one of the girls with Mitochondrial disease, says that this is one of the best days of her life. The bachelorettes sure say this a lot in reference to their dates with Sean, and not a word of it has ever rung as true.

Sean and AshLee spend some alone time together after the theme park date, and AshLee tells him about her orphaned upbringing causing Sean to cry. AshLee deservedly (she made the man cry!!) gets a rose.

[caption id="attachment_86383" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Me: "It's pretty sweet he cried." Straight Guy: "I'm surprised he didn't malfunction."[/caption]

Rose Ceremony

Kacie B (Straight Guy: “She looks like a crazy person, and she's hiding something in the hair”) is ousted by Sean before the beginning of the rose ceremony. And Taryn and Kristy are the two other unlucky ladies that get sent home. Both do the typical self-loathing cry, and I do my usual cringe on behalf of womankind.

Previous Recap: The Bachelor Is Handing Out Those Roses Like Candy

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