‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Sean’s Handing Out Those Roses Like Candy

First off, they really need to open the show with Sean showering EVERY WEEK. Please, ABC, hear my prayer.

ADIDAS (All Day I Dream About Sean… Showering)

But I digressed before I even began. Let’s get this show on the road. Below are my thoughts on each of Sean’s dates this week with some additional commentary from Straight Guy.

One-On-One Date with Sarah
So, both Straight Guy and Sean seem very impressed with one-armed girl Sarah. Straight Guy says that she “has a good sense of humor and… seems like a real person.” After going on that free fall date from a skyscraper with Sean, Sarah told him a personally scarring tale of how she was once told she could not go zip-lining with her dad because of her disability, and she ran out of the room embarrassed. Her dad said she needed a guy to be strong to take care of her in difficult situations like that. Sean responded that he is happy he is a man and can protect her. Okay, I am no über-feminist, but shouldn’t the lesson from her dad have been, “you will face opposition all your life because you are different, and you need to learn how to be strong and handle these situations yourself?” I mean, that is what I’m telling my daughter, whether or not she has a disability! Just sayin’.

I commend Sarah for coming on this show with one arm, but also, she isn’t as independent as I would have hoped. For instance she says that going on the first date with Sean was the “biggest dream of [her] life come true so far.” REALLY, GIRL? Really? What about, oh I dunno, landing that job you really wanted out of college or going on a trip you’ve always dreamed of going on with your best friends. She did get a red rose on the date, but I’m already seeing a red flag.

Group Date
The Harlequin novel cover photo shoot is a BRILLIANT group date idea, I must say. Forcing the girls to watch one another strike sexy and romantic poses with Sean in front of the entire group of girls is a Bachelor trope that never gets old. The only thing that really stuck out to me in this competition was that my homegirl Lesley really brought her game this week! Sean really enjoyed having his shirt ripped open as did all of the women in America (really, it doesn’t get old, does it?). And Kristy, the one who Straight Guy didn’t believe was a model, really proved she at least has a future as a chick lit cover model. She won the challenge, and uh, even got Sean to pull her dress strap down in front of the other women!

Lesley and Sean’s Harlequin shot… FTW

After the shoot, Sean brought Lesley to a dark room to talk one-on-one then complained that he didn’t know when to kiss her! Well, Sir Sean, it’s kind of hard to read someone’s body and facial language in the dark. Also, I found it offensive as an avid Bachelor viewer that I wasn’t able to fully immerse myself in this do-we-or-don’t-we-kiss awkwardness! Lesley finally made the move, however, leaving an impression on Sean. Go girl! You my current fav!

“I want to kiss you, but I can’t see your face.”

Kacie and Sean talked for a bit on the couch, and Sean told Kacie that he wants to try and move from the mental space of “friend” to the mental space of “lover.” I’m still not feeling any sexy vibes between these two, I must say. I know Kacie says she feels it, but I just don’t think Sean does. And I think he’s thinking with that other head. Alas, she gets the group date rose for putting herself out there, only prolonging the inevitable BRO’ing.

Tierra is definitely trying to pull some Courtney Robertson shit, and I must say that I couldn’t get a good handle on her strategy! I can’t tell if she’s smarter than Courtney in this game or dumber, but she did play the “mopey” card VERY well and had Sean complimenting her and eating out of the palm of her hand. As for this type of strategy that a few of the girls are also attempting to employ, Straight Guy thinks this is an “okay strategy.” I guess this means it’s effective? Adding this one to my arsenal.

One-On-One Date with Desiree
Sean is forced to pull a lame prank on Desiree during their first date, and host Chris Harrison makes Sean sit behind a two–way mirror to witness the prank à la Punk’d. Straight Guy says here that, “Chris Harrison is the ultimate wingman.” I find this a hilarious way of thinking of Chris Harrison because it puts him in the same situation as the Bachelors, which means that Chris is basically capable of anything (especially since he is divorced) including pulling a robbery. If I were a producer of The Bachelor, that’s how I’d have the season unfold… imagine the ratings!

After Desiree is completely unsurprised during the prank date, the couple goes back to Sean’s to drink and enjoy his hot tub. I completely concur. I know Sean really digs her company, but I’m sorry, the two were talking about marriage and true love while perched half naked sipping champagne on the side of a hot tub! Marriage talk and hot tubs do not mix. Sean is really killing it (not in a good way) here.

Find a chapel already…

Straight Guy had one thing to say about this date, which is: “I can’t get past the creepy head thing with her from the premiere… I’m trying, but the image is too disturbing.” The thing is, Straight Guy, I think Sean might actually like this level of creepiness.

Rose Ceremony
I think my favorite quote of Sean’s from the rose ceremony was, “everyone has the qualities that I’m looking for.” Yes, Sean, the producers actually do spend a painstaking amount of time and resources handpicking women they think you’d hit it off with so that the competition is interesting for the millions of viewers who watch. I’m unsure why this concept is blowing his mind, but he’s really freely handing out those roses so far, isn’t he? This strategy is going to bite him in the ass later in the season.

In conclusion, yada yada yada… Brooke (who got NO air time this week) and Diana (who also got barely any air time) go home this week. Sayonara, ladies. And judging by the previews, things are about to start getting real good next week. See ya then.

Previous ’Bachelor’ Recap: Meet Sean’s 19 Girls