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"The Bachelorette" Premiere Recap: Meet Desiree's 19 Men

[caption id="attachment_102874" align="aligncenter" width="607"]Still no shame in her game. Still no shame in her game.[/caption]

I have to admit that I was unusually un-pumped for this season of The Bachelorette.  I am not a huge fan of Desiree Hartsock– even her name is saccharine for Christ's sake—but after tonight's premiere, I've warmed up to her a bit.  If anything, she has a fine-ass crop of men who I don't mind watching show off for an entire season long. Straight Guy is unavailable to give comments this week, so instead I forced my mom (who in the middle of the premiere said, "You know I'd rather be watching Battlestar Galactica.") to give me a few quotes.

And with that, let's get to the 19 men who received roses out of the initial 25 last night!

[caption id="attachment_102904" align="alignleft" width="171"]Ben Ben[/caption]

Ben deservedly got the first rose of the night.  Having his 4-year-old son, Brody, come out of the limo before him and opening up to Des so quickly was so goddamned cute and vulnerable, every woman in America has him as her top contender.  This dude's sailing through to the final three, folks—and he knows it.

[caption id="attachment_102902" align="alignleft" width="169"]Brandon Brandon[/caption]

Brandon is basically every girl's first boyfriend: so cute with that baby face, so endearingly passionate in his speech ("the path I've been on for the past 26 years, it led me to this point") and so sexy with his need for adrenaline. But Des, BEWARE, this is a boy in man's clothing.

[caption id="attachment_102899" align="alignleft" width="165"]Bryden Bryden[/caption]

Bryden has the worst haircut I think I've ever seen on this show, but he is from Montana and a war vet so he gets a major pass. (But that is some Jim Carrey Dumb and Dumber shit, right?)  When he talked about building a relationship with a 10-year-old Iraqi boy, my mom called it immediately: "he's gonna get a rose." And lo and behold Des got up nary a second later to get that man a rose.  He's a man; he'll go far.

[caption id="attachment_102900" align="alignleft" width="171"]Brooks Brooks[/caption]

I like Brooks.  I don't really remember where he's from or what he does, but he forgot to tell Des his name at first because he was so nervous.  He just seems like a good egg... so that'll probably get him his heart crushed.

[caption id="attachment_102903" align="alignleft" width="170"]Brad Brad[/caption]

Brad. I remember nothing whatsoever of this dude, but there are a lot of guys this season who have names that start with the letter "B."

[caption id="attachment_102901" align="alignleft" width="166"]Brian Brian[/caption]

Brian wore a velvet coat and my mom thinks he looks like Rupert Everett.  No red flags here!

[caption id="attachment_102898" align="alignleft" width="165"]Chris Chris[/caption]

Chris pulled that prank where he went down on one knee and asked Des if he could... GULP!... tie his shoe.  It was pretty lame, but I think Des loves lame pranks like this. (Remember when she had a pretend boyfriend interrupt her dinner with Sean?) So maybe these two are a match made in lame-prank heaven.

[caption id="attachment_102897" align="alignleft" width="171"]Dan Dan[/caption]

... [really, I keep coming back to this to write something, and I keep only coming up with an ellipsis]

[caption id="attachment_102895" align="alignleft" width="170"]Drew Drew[/caption]

My mom really digs Drew, but she likes anyone with a Sad Sally story so that's not surprising.  He had to basically raise himself and his mentally disabled sister.  Ugh, just typing that out made me want to marry this man!  Okay, he'll make it pretty far especially since he's got a killer smile.  But I don't think he'll make it all the way -- unless he's got a little bit of a less serious side in there somewhere.

[caption id="attachment_102894" align="alignleft" width="170"]James James[/caption]

James seems a little bit intense and too big in the neck for my tastes, but he seems genuine and nice from what I can remember. Oh, and his favorite author is Dr. Seuss, so at least he's smarter than a 1st grader.

[caption id="attachment_102892" align="alignleft" width="172"]Juan Pablo Juan Pablo[/caption]

Des' response to Juan?: "Mmm, mmm, mm, mm, m."  Well said, sister.  PLEASE keep him around just to look at for at least HALF the season.  Yes, I know, when he was asked his favorite book he responded, "don't read," but I didn't say marry the guy.  Also, I'd really love to see some of these guys' OKCupid profiles...

[caption id="attachment_102891" align="alignleft" width="169"]Kasey Kasey[/caption]

He's a social media guy who gave Des three hashtags for her 'Bachelorette' experience (#marriagematerial being one).  My mom asked what hashtags were, thought it was interesting, then a few more obnoxious, hashtag-labeling moments later in the show, she'd had enough.  Seriously, Kasey, #cutitout.

[caption id="attachment_102888" align="alignleft" width="169"]Michael G Michael G[/caption]

He's a cute federal prosecutor from Long Island—can't you just tell by that hair?!  Anyway, I can get down with the Strong Islanders. I'm just a little uncertain Desiree can.

[caption id="attachment_102886" align="alignleft" width="167"]Mikey T Mikey T[/caption]

Mikey might seem a little neanderthal-ish, but if he is he's a Man neanderthal and not a Boy one.  I mean, I dunno, I'm making all of this up.

[caption id="attachment_102885" align="alignleft" width="168"]Nick M Nick M[/caption]

Nick wrote Des four lines of poetry that went something along the lines of: "There is a reason/I'm on this season..."

Mom: "I don't think that's called poetry."

Des: "I love poetry."

[caption id="attachment_102883" align="alignleft" width="171"]Robert Robert[/caption]

Robert's everyone's 2nd fav (to Ben the dad) and it's easy to see why: the boy-next-door look, the business that he started and the one-eyed dog (did anyone else catch that?).  He took off his tie when he introduced himself Des, and she asked if he was taking off more.  He kept it classy, though, by leaving the rest to everyone's imagination... and imagine we will.

[caption id="attachment_102882" align="alignleft" width="170"]Will Will[/caption]

Will high fives WAY too much.  Never trust a guy who high fives that much.  He's hiding something.

[caption id="attachment_102881" align="alignleft" width="172"]Zack K Zack K[/caption]

Zack wore converse sneakers with his suit, and he's in the book publishing business (he READS!).  Honestly, I'm sold because this is just getting exhausting at this point.  How does Desiree make it through the first night?  Crack?

[caption id="attachment_102880" align="alignleft" width="172"]Zak W Zak W[/caption]

My mom and I were befuddled when he got a rose for jumping in the pool, but upon reflection, maybe Des just gave him a rose so that he'd stop shirtlessly prancing around her for attention.  Zak, I hate to break it to your self-delusional self, but no one needed to see your overly-tanned and leathery abs for an entire two-hour episode last night.  Stop.  Arguing.  No... no one.

Special Service Announcement

I think one of the men, the ER doctor Larry, was sent home WAY too soon last night.  Des unfortunately only got to see the uncomfortable and too intense side of him (he really needed to stop fixating on his failed attempt to dip her!), but that could happen to anyone in this situation. I actually thought he was pretty self-aware and funny.  I mean, he did call it when he said he was second in line to go home after the "fantasy suite man." Anyway, LARRY, if you're reading this, email me! I have a hot, single doctor friend who lives in Berkeley just like you. XO.

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