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'The Bachelorette' Recap: Des Keeps Dodging the Wrong Balls

[caption id="attachment_105457" align="aligncenter" width="500"]Screw this season; can someone make Juan the next 'Bachelor'? Screw this season; can someone make Juan the next 'Bachelor'?[/caption]

This week was a bit lackluster date-wise... Des goes on two group dates and only one one-on-one date, which just kind of turned this into one big bro-fest.  Tellingly, I accidentally wrote in my recap notes: "dickpile in the middle."  Pretty sure I meant to write "dogpile," but really "dickpile" is more accurate...

[caption id="attachment_105460" align="aligncenter" width="500"]Just some bros having a good time. Just some bros having a good time.[/caption]

Group Date

Des takes the first group of guys to play dodgeball because she wants to see them in their "natural environment," you know, throwing balls at one another to win the hand of the girl and stuff.  Referencing the rap video, Straight Guy says that Des & The Bachelor team are," trying to embarrass these guys as much as possible."  It's true!  These guys are forced to forgo their deep v tees for tank tops and short shorts to try and impress Des in a game normally reserved for elementary school gym class torture.  At least their dodgeball skills were better than the bachelorettes' volleyball skills from Sean's Bachelor season.  The guys were going so hard in dodgeball, Brooks takes a hit to the finger, breaking it and sending him to the hospital.  His team wins the dodgeball game in his honor, however, and our man Brooks makes a drugged-up comeback later in the date to get some Des time.  (Straight Guy: "he's so f*cked up right now")

[caption id="attachment_105461" align="aligncenter" width="500"]Straight Guy as Brooks: "Des, are those stars shooting out behind you?" Straight Guy as Brooks: "Des, are those stars shooting out behind you?"[/caption]

CHRIS! Chris is the dark horse this season... no one saw him coming the first two episodes, but daaaaamn, that boy is fine (and has a steady job)!  He pulls Des away for some alone time and surprises her by taking her to the roof.  "How did you find this?" blurts out Des; Straight Guy: "Note to self, always take a woman to a rooftop."  I mean, that shit'd work on me, too.  Just sayin'.

[caption id="attachment_105462" align="aligncenter" width="500"]Hey there, handsome. Hey there, handsome.[/caption]

Oh, and Chris—and his sly roof game—was so charming, he beat out the cripple Brooks to get a rose.

One-on-One with Kasey

Prior to her date with Kasey, Des gets some bad news: Brian's girlfriend has shown up to call his ass out and take him back home to Olney, Maryland.  After a lot of high-pitched, owl-like shrieking on behalf of Brian's crazy ex (I kinda don't blame the man), Des tells Brian she wants him to leave.  Straight Guy totally disagrees with Des' decision, saying that Brian, "did quite well...  he was being attacked... I would have him stay because of that."  Maybe, but also, Brian did use the term "circle back" when talking about his relationship with his girlfriend.  So.  Yeah.

Poor Kasey.  He got a really terrible date on the show, and I also kind of don't want to waste time recapping his date with Des here, either.  He gets a rose, though, because Des is like an elementary school teacher handing out gold stars for good behavior.

[caption id="attachment_105463" align="aligncenter" width="500"]Straight Guy on Kasey: "I'll take a pity rose." A win's a win, amirite?! Straight Guy as Kasey: "I'll take a pity rose." A win's a win, amirite?![/caption]

Juan Pablo Group Date

Des takes the second group of guys to a Wild Western-themed film set so that they can dress as cowboys and learn some stunts.  The most badass cowboy of the day will get some one-on-one time with the little lady, Des.  During the competition, just when I was thinking I really wanted to see more of Juan Pablo, the hot Argentinian football (soccer) player wins the challenge, and it's like the collective thoughts of all women in America manifested this moment!

Des and Juan Pablo get to watch an advance screening of The Lone Ranger, and Des is clearly excited to finally get the opportunity to makeout with Juan.  The two share a hot kiss, which Des describes as "very sensual," and Juan really pulls out the moves like it ain't no thang, saying simply that, "I hope there's more coming."

[caption id="attachment_105464" align="aligncenter" width="500"]Straight Guy on Juan: "Now we leave together, right?" Straight Guy as Juan: "Now we leave together, right?"[/caption]

Alas, time with Juan must end (just as all good things do), and Des goes blandly into the night, talking to this guy, and that... and eventually James gets a rose.  Also, Straight Guy notes that Bryden has a new, "cool 1940's look," and also that while kissing Des, Bryden, "doesn't know where the hand placement goes."  Straight Guy swears he's not as fumble-y with his hands as Bryden.  Really, though, at least one thing's for certain, and that's that Juan Pablo never has trouble with hand placement.  Ever.

[caption id="attachment_105465" align="aligncenter" width="500"]Bryden, if you go back to that old haircut, I swear... Bryden, if you go back to that old haircut, I swear...[/caption]

Rose Ceremony

Dan and Brandon go home.  Brandon is broken hearted because, you know, he has already fallen in love with Des.  I would be a bit meaner here, but I think Brandon really does have issues.  Don't worry, bro, there are more fishettes in the sea.  But please, please see a therapist first.

Last Week's Bachelorette Recap: The Rap Video Vixen and the Meatheads

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