I want to open this week's recap by first giving a shout out to the anonymous employee (intern? PA?) pulling tweets onair during ABC's 'Bachelorette' premieres every Monday night. As EW pointed out a few weeks ago, this person is not only adroitly poking fun at the show, but is also making fun of his/her job of pulling tweets onair. I find the tweets almost as amazing as Straight Guy's commentary, who by the way is back this week (yay!), so let's get to it...

One-on-One with Drew

In the most riveting intro to the city of Barcelona, Des says, "Barcelona. Here I am," as she wiggles some fingers in the air. As Straight Guy put it, she might've well just have said, "Earth... I'm from here."

Des invites Drew on a one-on-one, and at this point in the show I cannot get a good read on Drew. On one hand, he's so handsome (he's basically a Ken doll) and nice and has great arms; on the other, Straight Guy says he's "super gay," and I think SG's gaydar is accurate. For example, when Des first meets up with Drew, he tells her, "I haven't been able to stop thinking about kissing you." Des and Drew both basically squeal (Des:"Really?!"; Drew: "Yeahhh") as they go in for the kiss. It's sexy that he kissed her right away, yes, but also, he kind of squealed before doing it.

[caption id="attachment_109019" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Straight Guy as Drew: "I haven't been able to stop pecking you four times in a row."[/caption]

Drew and Des stop at a shop to drink wine as Drew divulges a sob story that will guarantee him a spot in the top 4. His dad is his hero because he's a recovering alcoholic who's been sober for 20 years. Okay, I don't want to underplay what he -- or his dad -- has gone through, but come on. I'm really so sick of the guys playing on the Bachelorette's emotions as a ploy to continue on in the competition. So is Straight Guy, who exasperatedly says, "God, she eats this shit up. I can't take it." I'd say up until this point, there's no way Drew would've made it this far without his backstory. But he does have another trick up his sleeve to carry him through to the hometowns...

[caption id="attachment_109020" align="aligncenter" width="500"] this kiss, this kiss.[/caption]

Drew, apparently well read in chick lit, grabs Des during their romantic, candlelit dinner and brings her to a dark alley where he pushes here against a wall and goes to town on her with his mouth. Straight Guy wonders, "so that's hot if I grab a girl and bring her to a back alley?" True, Straight Guy might strike fear in the heart of the girl and instead just get arrested, but since Drew is already so effeminate, it's just considered hot, yes.

Drew gets a rose.

Group Date

Des takes the guys, including the ex-pro soccer player Juan Pablo, to a stadium in Barcelona to play soccer futbol. [SPOILER ALERT] I'm just going to use this portion of the recap as a brief tribute to Juan Pablo, who did NOT get enough screen time this season before getting sent home this week. Major sad faces all around America.

[caption id="attachment_109021" align="aligncenter" width="500"] May Juan Pablo forever live on in our memories.[/caption]

— Alexandra Lied (@alexmclied) July 2, 2013

Okay, back to biz. Chris pulls Des away and forces a few million people to listen to some more terrible poetry. Brooks and Des just makeout (schwing). And the other guys use their time wisely to attack James, who offended them all by admitting that he was only on the show to get famous and not for love like the other guys. Apparently, James was overheard telling Mikey, the other meathead, that as long as they were in the top four, they'd be set meeting hot girls and getting into clubs for free and stuff. I mean, it's easy to attack James for being a meathead (Michael says it sounded like James was auditioning for the Jersey Shore when he told Mikey, "we're going to get into clubs, bro"), but maybe Straight Guy is right that the dudes should just let James get himself sent home instead of wasting time trying to call him out.

Kasey (who Straight Guy calls Zac Efron) tells Des about what James said, so Des calls off the rest of the group date (denying Juan Pablo the rose!!) and confronts James. Somehow James manages to manipulate Des into sticking around, even though Straight Guy notes that it's pretty clear at this point he's, "turning into a lunatic."

One-on-One with Zak

Finally, we are treated to someone who is genuinely entertaining. Zak might've come close to friendzoning himself early on (remember? He jumped into the pool shirtless to get attention on the premiere episode), but I think he's come back strong! Des took him to a drawing class where he made her laugh by painting an absolutely terrible portrait of her. Then he got inspired by the nude male model and decided to give Des a little taste of what he's got as well.

[caption id="attachment_109023" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Des wants to know: "What makes Zak?"[/caption]

Zak does everything right on this date, guaranteeing himself a rose: makes Des laugh, reveals that he is emotionally stable through conversation, and passionately kisses her. One of my new favs!

Rose Ceremony

Even though we have to sit through another conversation where James convinces Des to let him stay, Des does end up sending him home, along with Juan Pablo and Kasey (shouldn't have gotten caught up in the drama, Bro).

[caption id="attachment_109024" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Who's going to cheer this man up?[/caption]

Adios, Juan Pablo.

Last week's 'Bachelorette' Recap