The Best and Worst of “American Horror Story: Hotel” Episode 5

Vampire doctors, vampire children, vampire Bates, oh my!

Halloween has come and gone but the boys and ghouls of American Horror Story: Hotel are still celebrating the spookiest day of the year. We’re veering away from Mr. March’s autumnal celebration for a romp with some costumed creatures of the night this week, and we’ve got plenty of snark to keep you as a satisfied customer.

Check out the Best and Worst of Episode 5, below!


ahs h vampire doc

Vampire Doctor: Chloe’s decision to turn the ailing child into a baby vamp is an interesting one. Sure it makes sense that she’d want to help a fellow ailing mother, but cursing a child with eternal life and blood thirst isn’t exactly a moral thing to do. Hey look, an actual dilemma! Who knew we’d find that this season!

ahs h vamp children

Vampire Children: Psychologically, children are just tiny psychopaths, separated from adults only by their size and distinct lack of empathy. So it’s fun to see them depicted as such. The idea of an ever-growing army of undead costumed children is also entertaining, to say the least.

ahs h liz

Liz Taylor: Murphy is often quite happy to let marginal queer characters camp it up in the background (see: Murder House Zachary Quinto) but it’s rare for these sillier side pieces to get actual – let alone interesting – development (Lana Winters is the exception to this rule, in that she was both the protagonist and incredibly multi-faceted). So good job for giving Ms. Taylor some semblance of depth. O’Hare’s acting is pretty superb here as well.


ahs h millenials

Millennial Brat Victims: Oh my god, aren’t 20-somethings so annoying and entitled? They like Instagram and organic foods, aren’t they terrible! These straw-man youths sure are pesky and deserve to be punished! Don’t worry fellow boomers, Old Man Murphy will take care of them for you through a brief series of predictably banal indignities!

ahs h bassett

Not Enough Bassett: We need more Bassett. Why isn’t there more Bassett? How can we get some more Bassett? I’d like some more Bassett, please. (Also, how is she the only not-white actress in the entire season? Come on, Murphy.)

ahs h cast

Do We Have A Protagonist Yet?: We’re 5 episodes deep and I still have no idea who the main character is. Gaga seems like she’s the star and she’s certainly doing the most, but her motivations are unclear and her character doesn’t seem to be going anywhere (which isn’t to say I’m not enjoying her – I just don’t see this character progressing).

Copface McStrongJaw is our other option, but does anyone actually care about him at all? It’s fine to have an ensemble cast, but it’s not fine to lack focus such that your story doesn’t actually have any semblance of a reasonable plot arc.

freelance pop-culture blogger (NNN, MTV Iggy, Oxygen) / recovering academic / wannabe club kid / satanic hipster / talentless DJ.