We’ve already reviewed the corniest moments at the Eurovision Song Contest, perhaps the tackiest event in the known universe. But what about the outfits? Between princess gowns, sequin overloads and more drapery than Scarlett O’Hara wore in Gone with the Wind, Eurovision was a veritable smörgåsbord of bad taste.
Let’s have a look, shall we?
Comedian Petra Mede, allegedly Sweden’s answer to Bette Midler, emceed this year’s competition. And her first outfit (left) was an absolute travesty stolen from the touring production of Anna Karenina on Ice. (Actually Anna Karenina on Ice might be kind of cool, so long as no one wore this.) Later, Mede changed into the outfit on the right, which is comparatively better but, then again, it’s still a hot-pink trenchcoat made to look like a ballgown. With billowy sleeves. And Petra’s prom updo just screams “princess.” Does Sweden have a royal family? Maybe Mede is auditioning for it (or a walk-on role in Once Upon a Time.)
Cascada is only 31, but she looked like a well-toned 50-year-old thanks to this outfit. Her entry in Eurovision was the pop song “Glorious,” but this unflatteringly skintight frock with an awkward high-low cut is anything but. (Nice legs, though.) And the hideous sparkle supernova radiating from her tummy is something only Kim Kardashian would wear—and even then only in her 12th month of labor.
With her simple body-hugging white gown, the Ukraine’s Zlata Ognevich actually had one of the best looks from the show (not a major accomplishment.) But what is this damsel-in-distress crap? It’s 2013—even in Ukraine! And if you’re going to be whisked off your feet, at least don’t make it by viking Shrek.
Cezar is Romanian, so we get the whole Eastern-European goth vampire vibe. But the ginormous sequins and opera collar? He looks like if Seigfried and Roy’s gayer cousin got into a transporter accident with the Lord of the Dance.
The Belarus beauty’s all-sequins curtain dress and overdone curls were enough, but then this Shiva pose happened in front of a disco ball, and any wisp of sophistication Eurovision could have salvaged was lost.
Mattel Finland came out with a new Barbie doll: She’s part marching-band leader, part bridezilla with a Hefty-bag veil.