“True Blood”: “I’m Your F*cking Fairy Grandfather”


Fairy peepaws, nosy activists and a human water fountain made this week’s ep a considerable improvement over the premiere.

On some bridge somewhere, a wormhole opens up and Rob Zombie falls out. Sookie (Anna Paquin) stirs in her sleep, her Kindle malfunctioning beside her. Apparently she wasn’t a fan of the Halloween remake either.

Jason’s (Ryan Kwanten) ice-cream-suited benefactor appears in front of his careening car – full-on Mister Boogedy style, mind you – and saves him. As expected, his blond chauffeur is NOT Warlow (of course not – why would he have been referring to himself in the third person last episode?), but in fact Jason’s fairy grandpappy (Rutger Hauer). He was apparently testing J-bird the whole time and homeslice failed miserably.

Over at Fangtasia, Tara (Rutina Wesley) is on the bar writhing in pain and Pam (Kristen Bauer van Straten) tries to comfort her – looks like she’s not healing. In full Vampire McGyver mode, Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) uses a busted Rolling Rock bottle to pry out the bullet – which is silver and emits UV rays. Pam freaks out on Eric and Nora (Lucy Griffiths) – who defends her and The Authoritaay’s actions by saying that the humans have never fought back before. Eric hisses, “if the humans want war, we’ll give them war” and then, in an amazing response to something I can’t quite remember, howls, “TROOYYYYYYY… AGAINNNNNNNN!” and everyone scatters.

Back at Casa Beel, Jess (Deborah Ann Woll) wakes up and runs downstairs to find Beel (Stephen Moyer) bloody-eyed and catatonic in his study. He suddenly wails, “I CAN’T HELP THEM!” and we see that in his mind he’s watching a child vampire get set on fire and an adult male vamp get dragged behind a truck. Then he’s in a field with his three naked bloody ladies behind him. It’s like a porny, corn-syrupy version of that Robert Palmer “Simply Irresistible” video. Lilith (Jessica Clark) – who should really wear a slip – tells him, “Events have been set in motion.”

Sookie awakens to a call from Arlene (Carrie Preston), who calls her “Missy hangover” (my nickname in college, coincidentally) and tells her that she’s late for her f*cking shift. Terry (Chad Lowe) spots a lady he recognizes as Patrick’s wife – who is pregnant (with a tiny ifrit, if we’re lucky) – by the front door. They confirm her suspicions that Patrick ran off with another woman and Arlene gives her a pep talk. Where are they going with this, exactly? I don’t really care, because it allows Arlene the line, “Life is really a sh*t samwich sometimes.”

On the way to work, Sookie passes a groaning man (Rob Kazinsky) in the bushes. I’ve spent enough time in the Central Park Rambles to know that this is the kind of situation where a lady minds her own beeswax, but Sookie of course plunges right in. Turns out it’s a handsome fairy halfling who’s been attacked by a vampire. Pleased to meet ya! Is it just me or does Sookie meet far too many of her boyfriends in bushes? She should really try match.com. She of course takes him home, where he promptly falls asleep on her couch. Doesn’t she know anything about fairy concussions or Nightmare on Elm Street movies? Don’t let him fall asleep!


At Merlottes, a quadrangle of neo-hippie college students arrive and Arlene wastes no time giving them shit, Bon Temps style. Meanwhile, Sam (Sam Trammell) is on the phone with Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) – turns out La-la has pulled baby/dogsitting duty, and he and Ms. Emma are having themselves a kiki in Sam’s trailer. WERK.

The pretty, light-skinned black girl who is the leader of the Teach for America crew confronts Sam, telling him that she knows he’s a closeted shifter, and she’s there to help. Okay…

Nicole (Jurnee Smollett-Bell) indeed does want Sam to “come out” as a shifter. She likens the current supe situation to the civil rights movement that her own grandparents personally started (really?) by crossing racial boundaries to be together. She stresses, “You can’t just sit this one out.” Okay, it’s a bit heavy-handed, but I can appreciate where they are going with this.

Back at Casa Beel, Jess has ordered delivery (it’s not DiGiorno?), and they send her a bloodsack hooker who looks like a very tired Vera Farmiga. This woman is kind of amazing. Jess introduces her to catatonic Beel, and when she moves to leave, Beel uses the Carrie White powers of his vampire goddess mind (did I really just have to type that?) to make her do a backwards Jabbawocky dance and then PULLS ALL OF HER BLOOD OUT OF HER MOUTH, which she then vomits into Beel’s mouth. It’s ridiculous. It’s like a Damien Hirst water fountain. Jess freaks out. (I’m going to have to come up with a keystroke shortcut for that sentence, btw.)


Sookie and Ben – fairy-boy – touch and sparks literally fly. He says he can tell she’s a good person because he’s read the script and caught up on the last few seasons on HBOGO. Am I the only one getting a strong Hoyt 2: Electrofairy Boogaloo vibe from this guy?

Ben says he’s not sure where he’s headed, and he’s not used to people being so nice. Wait, why? Have people been running him down in the street willy-nilly? But Sookie tells him that there’s a place… where nobody dares to go… they call it XANADU. Or at least a fairy nightclub, where Ben would be safe from the marauding hordes of people apparently lining up to persecute him for being… cute? They go walking and he asks her out, and she decides she’d better actually go to work for a change instead of walk him to the club.

Speaking of the fairy club, Andy (Chris Bauer) has wandered back there with his daughters to find Morella: “I don’t know shit about baby fairies!” Thanks for coming to work today, Andy. That’ll be all.

Jason, meanwhile, brings peepaw over to Sookie’s house. Gramps immediately locates the wormhole in her bathroom and pops in for a minute, only to return to report, “It’s worse than I thought.” That’s not a sentence you want to hear ANYONE say in your bathroom.

Nora – who has been turned into the Velma of this particular vampire Scooby Gang – is furiously reading the script Vampire Bible and has just managed to find a passage that has been misinterpreted for like 10,000 years or something. Nice work! “As the blood ascends, two will become one.” And apparently it was the humans that led Lilith to the sun. She tells Pam that Eric loves her and talks about her 24/7. Pam… is wearing pink. All is right in the world.

Eric, meanwhile, is lurking outside Governor Balaban’s house. He overhears a passerby squawking about an appointment he has with the Gov, so he kills him (I guess) and assumes his identity – that of a wildlife lobbyist – to get into the Gov’s chambers. The Gov (Arliss Howard) has a daughter that he won’t let go to parties. I think her name is Willa, but I’m sure it’s not important.

Eric – in nerd drag – speaks with the Governor, and after some veiled conversation he vamps out on him and glamours him into being nice. But the Gov is wearing GLAMOUR-PROOF CONTACT LENSES (seriously?!) and he has his guards come in and apprehend Eric in order to take him to “camp”. Wait, why doesn’t Eric just fly the eff outta there?! And hey… I wanna go to camp with Eric!

Turns out Jason and Sookies’ peepaw’s name is Niall. He eats salt at the table and says that, much like Backstreet, Warlow’s back, alright? Turns out they are descendent of the first family of fairies, which makes Sookie a fairy princess. But Niall confirms that Jason has been left out of the fairy gene pool party. Wah-waaah. Apparently Warlow – who is, indeed, a vampire – has been out for them since the beginning, kind of like sharks and the Brody family. But on the night that Warlow killed Sookie’s parents, Claudine blasted him to Akron or some shit and he’s been stuck there ever since. He also says -and this is important – that Sookie has a special power: she can use her blaster hands to go supernova and kill a vampire – but only once, and if she exercises that power she’ll no longer be a fairy. Wait, WHAT?! Oh come ON. This is ridiculous.

Back at the Governor’s, the soldiers tell Eric that as a vampire he has no Miranda rights. He doesn’t think that’s fair, so he flies away. Good for him.


At Sam’s, La-la is watching Chopped (love you, Ted Allen!) while Emma languishes nearby in a K-hole. (Or maybe she’s just asleep.) Suddenly Meemaw Martha (Dale Dickey), Alcide (Joe Manganiello), and Danielle (Jamie Gray Hyder) – whom I’m refusing to accept as an actual character, btw – arrive and demand that Sam turn over Emma, since she’s pack. He says he can hide her and that she’s better off with him. Meemaw grabs Emma, Sam punches Alcide, and Danielle beats the shit out of Lafayette – and all the while, those meddling Teach for America kids are videotaping the whole thing from, like, FIVE FEET AWAY. And not one of these supernatural beings notices?!

Eric does his best Salem’s Lot by floating up to the Governor Daughter’s window and glamouring her to let him inside. It’s rather delicious.

Having buried the dead hooker, Jess returns to talk to Beel, who is still tripping vampire balls in his armchair. She says that she was raised on one Bible and then on another, and she asks him if he is God. She then decides to pray for him – and as she lists off all the people she’d like to pray for, we see them. Honestly, this moment may have saved the season for me. It’s a great scene, and Deborah Ann Woll f*cking kills it. As Jess intones, “Please watch over my friends,” Sookie plays with her balls (of fire), Pam and Tara hesitantly reconnect, and Sam and La-la lie unconscious in the parking lot. It’s a moment that brings everything together again, which has been sorely needed. So is Jess now the moral center of the show? It’s kind of amazing that this “Hail Mary pass” is literally a Hail Mary, but it works.

In Bilith’s mind, Lilith flips her hair and leaves him alone. The TV turns on, and Jess runs downstairs to see Beel out of his chair. There’s a news story on about a vamp getting dragged behind a truck. Jess realizes that Beel can see the… future? Kind of? We then see what Beel sees: Jess, Pam, Tara (maybe Eric?) in prison onesies in a bright room. They are incinerated. He opens his eyes and tells Jess, “They’re all gonna burn.”


Notably Dead: A prostitute, a lobbyist for whooping cranes, La-la’s mannying career

Notably Absent: Steve Newlin, other assorted secondary characters

Quote of the Week: Arlene had a few zingers this week, but I give it to “This is Bon Temps – here, ’organic’ means you play the fancy piano at church.” I’m a sucker for a good pun!

Overall, this was a huge improvement over the premiere. As Lilith herself said, “Events have been set in motion,” and we got more than just all of the characters going home and going to bed, which is pretty much all last week’s episode consisted of. But at the same time, I can’t believe the ridiculousness of all the new “rules” that they’re introducing to justify Bilith’s existence and presumably push things toward a resolution for everything. (Sookie’s new “use your turbo booster once to kill exactly one vampire and then you’re never a fairy again!” thing would be hilarious were it not so lazy.) I could watch Pam queen out at Nora for hours.

I’d say it bumped up one WTF? this week, putting it at three out of five:

But that’s just one human water fountain’s opinion. What’d you guys think?

Writer-filmmaker Brian Juergens launched CampBlood.org, the world's first website devoted to horror films from a gay perspective, in 2003.