“True Blood”: “I’m Glad I Took My Beta Blockers.”


Okay, so is it just me or did True Blood kind of get its groove back a bit this week? Apparently all it takes is Arlene Fowler-Bellefleur busting off the lock on the liquor cabinet to bring this ship back to course. Let’s crack open a PBR and dig in!

Hep V is in the Tru Blood supply, blah blah blah. Eric (Alexander Skarsgård) sends freshly-minted progeny Willa (Amelia Rose Blaire) to warn Pam about drinking the juice and sneaks out under a truck with Nora (Lucy Griffiths). It’s a kind of fun Modern Viking Action Hero scene. Dr. Willa and her spare hand – she’s doing her best Violet Newstead from 9 to 5, if you don’t mind my saying – finds Pam (Kristen Bauer van Straten) doing a downward dog and tells her not to drink the TB. Pam actually listens, though she’s not interested in hearing that there’s another stiff in the john. [pause for laughter] Wait, can we all agree it’s a bit ricockulous that NOBODY has recognized the Governor’s daughter running through the halls just because she’s wearing a white smock?

Eric brings Nora to Billith (Stephen Moyer), because he’s magical. Nora won’t take Billith’s blood because it’s got Lilith in it, and Eric has to comply because it’s her dying wish. Even though she’s already dead. But let’s not get picky. Yet.

In her planet-devouring SUV, Sarah Newlin (Anna Camp) listens to Gospel Elocution Lessons on Tape on the way to the Guvna’s. She arrives to find his head sitting in the garden like a pasty gazing ball. She almost cries – but she can’t spare the moisture! – and kisses his dead face while promising to carry on his legacy. She closes with, “This was part of Gawd’s plan and GAWWWWWWWWD EEEESSSS GOOOUUUUUUUDD.”

Even the decapitated head gives her a BTCHPLZ side-eye, but I think she’s ready to move onto the next tape, don’t you? Great job!

Moments later, Sarah is convincing some white dude in a suit (what, Olivia Pope wasn’t available?) to make it look like the Guvna is still alive – just until the Hep V-laced Tru Blood is on shelves. So yeah – HUGE conspiracy amounting to treason against the state and nation. No bigs.

Barlow (Rob Kazinsky) and Sookie (Anna Paquin) wake up in the graveyard with the chandeliers and he’s immediately regretting his decision to be raped: he thinks it was more than just sex, but she schools him that she can vote AND mount guys who are tied to gravestones. But their stone pillow talk is interrupted when she suddenly hears Arlene (Carrie Preston) KEENING in the actual graveyard, and she rushes off – with Barlow’s guidance (which she shouldn’t need, since she brought him there, didn’t she?) – to comfort her.

Let me take a moment here to point out that the LAST TIME that Sookie whisked off via the Hot Tub Time Machine to the Chandelier Cemetery, an hour to her was like six months of Earth time. This time it’s even-Stevens. JUST SO WE’RE ALL ON THE SAME PAGE.


Arlene babbles incoherently – and therefore amazingly – about how Terry was happy for the first time because she blasted the shit out of his brain and made him forget it but then somebody shot him. Godric bless the mess that is Arlene Fowler-Bellefleur.

Sam (Sam Trammell) calls Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) and Lala – against a truly awe-inspiring swath of wallpaper – tells him that Terry is dead. Sam seems suitably upset. And I guess we can assume that Merlotte’s is closed for the day, since every single employee is accounted for elsewhere? Sam tells Nicole (Jurnee Smollett-Bell) to go home to her mama.

Sookie takes Arlene home and Arlene lashes out at Lafayette for his cryptic pre-sniper phone call, calling him “a liar and a Voodoo queer!” Now that’s just rude; he hasn’t lied about a thing!

Jason (Ryan Kwanten), meanwhile, sneaks into the Concentration Vamp (TRADEMARK PENDING) with the SWAT dudes. Jess (Deborah Ann Woll) hears her name called, and it’s of course Jason waiting for her in a huge empty conference room, with his hair all did and cute-looking. J hugs J and says, “I came to help you.” She says she doesn’t need his help and he worries, “You don’t have that stockholder syndrome, do you?” BLESS.

She says she doesn’t need his help… but she DOES need to bang that guy from the Lemonheads that she met last week. Jason says he’ll go get him. SERIOUSLY?!

Nicole gets her Psycho on with Sam in the motel shower. Am I the only one who cringed that Sam put Nicole’s back up against that sure-to-be-less-than-sanitized shower wall? I hope love means never having to say you’re sorry for the fungal infection.

Sookie and Lala open Terry’s safety deposit box (not a euphemism) and find a life insurance policy for $2M that he opened three days ago. Nope, nothing going on here!

Alcide (Joe Manganiello) drives his dad home, which means one thing:



Seriously, wake me up when this werewolf pack storyline is over.

Nicole’s mom picks her up and Nicole gives Sam her home # – how adorably 2009! – before she leaves. Apparently she didn’t get the memo that anyone who bangs Sam ends up in mortal peril, dead, or a vampire (or a combination of the above) and we’ll clearly be seeing her again soon.


Jason brings Evan Dando James (Luke Grimes) in to meet with Jess. She tells him she thought she was a monster until she saw how hot he was with his chin pubes and mad hackey-sack skills and now she just wants to bang him into the next episode. He’s totally cool with that. Wait, wouldn’t Jason kind of hear this? Or… smell it?

Eric tells Billith that he billieves in him now, and can he please heal Nora? Billith tells Eric about his visions: “I saw a white ssssssuccculah room!” – and explains Warlow’s blood and its magical powers. Eric takes notes. Not. Billith makes Nora drink his blood – wait, wouldn’t her Hep V then be passed onto him? – and it does Jack H. Shit.

Back at the Bellefleur mansion, Arlene is waaaaaasted. But wait – was that really Portia in profile in a single shot of the kitchen?! Considering she was Trinity’s daughter on Dexter and Beel’s fun-time cousin a few seasons ago, you’d think they’d at least give girlfriend a line, no? No.

Sookie and ABCD mind-chat for a second, to both of their surprises, but then Billith shows up in broad daylight and blows everyone’s minds:

Sookie: “Holy f*ck.”

Arlene: “I’m wasted!” … and then… ” “F*ck me.” (That is the usual order, amiright?) He touches her arm and she kind of melts. I kind of love it.


Billith and Andy (Chris Bauer) have papa talk about their supernatural daughters and kind of smooth over the fact that Bill’s daughter ate three of Andy’s – whoopsies! – and shake on it. Glad that’s over with!

Lafayette asks Sookie what the f*ck is up with all the day-walking vampires and she’s without a clue. He barks, “I’m so glad I took my beta blockers! DEUCE.” and is out the door. I don’t even know what that means, but I’m with him, regardless.

Billith tells Sookie that he wants more of Barlow’s blood, and that more of her friends will die if he doesn’t get it. BUT NO PRESH.

Back at the Concentration Vamp (PATENT PENDING), a bloodsack-declining Pam tells Pruitt Taylor Vince – on THE BIGGEST COUCH IN HISTORY – that he’d “be surprised what a girl can accomplish in solitary.”  He tries to pick her brain some more in regards to her sexual appetites, and she reminds him, “I was a whore in my human life and that wasn’t a coincidence.”


She bangs him into letting her into Gen Pop? Maybe?

Sarah whispers to Jason that the Guv’na is dead, and therefore he’s TOTALLY not making it to Nationals. Or something. Her goons stab him in the arm and throw him into the set of Orange is the New Black Tara (Rutina Wesley) jumps in to deliver her one line of the episode (thank for coming to work today!), and then Mystery Fish moans, “HE’S MAAAAHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNN.”

Alcide tells his pack that Sam and Nicole are dead, and Rikki’s like, “Oh REALLY? Because here’s Nicole AND her mama, AND that sweater I bought you that you told me you lost when you were camping but you totally hid under your bed because you hated it!” Alcide, you should really just go back to building decks.

Eric prays to Godric, and then flashes back to 1665. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP: Eric is wearing Lancel Lannister’s wig from Game of Thrones, and it is effing AWESOME. It’s also the plague, which is slightly less awesome. The king (who may or may not be Jason Biggs) remarks on Eric’s pallor and sends him to find the young Lady Gainsborough – and if it isn’t obvious yet, they are clearly giving Nora her farewell tour here. I am so gagging on this threepenny Interview With a Vampire bullshit, in the best possible way. There is Eric’s tousled ’do. There are the Plague Doctors in crow masks. And there’s Nora with her Puss in Boots saucer eyes begging for peace on her deathbed with every inch of her exposed skin covered in hilarious henna tattoos – BUT NOT THE FACE – like she were a character in an Evil Dead film. Back in the past, Eric recognizes her courage and says, “Let me take you to my father.”

Back in the present, Eric asks, “Who’s gonna comfort me for centuries to come?!” (that’s it, Eric – make it all about YOU) and she melts.

Like, literally melts.

It’s disgusting. Eric cries as Billith enters the room, an empty-handed and worthless deity.


Notably Dead: Nora, a guard with a mirror on a stick, Jess’s vampire virginity

Notably Absent: Steve Newlin, Emma and Meemaw Martha

Quote of the Week: Pam’s “I was a whore in my human life and it wasn’t a coincidence” is probably one of my favorite lines in the show’s history.

Good gawwwwwd, there’s a lot going on here. Almost enough to overlook all of the massive glaring inconsistencies that are going on (What happened to Mab and all the other faeries from the graveyard? Why did time not jump for Sookie? How is it possible that Jessica’s #1 priority in the face of being saved is to ball some emo kid mere feet away from her savior? Why would anyone let a vampire with Hep V bite him? How is it remotely possible that Sarah Newlin could orchestrate the cover-up of the murder of a state governor?). Luckily things were just entertaining enough to keep me distracted from all of the above. The culling of the cast continues (Terry! Guv’na! Nora!), even as they introduce this new James guy and the brunette prison vampire who claimed Jason as her personal sippy-cup. Arlene pretty much owned the episode with her tearful graveyard breakdown and booze-soaked antics back at the mansion – I can’t wait to see how she reacts to being a millionaire!

In all, I’d give this one four out of five WTFs:


What’d you think? Are things shaping up for the final three eps and Season 7?

Writer-filmmaker Brian Juergens launched CampBlood.org, the world's first website devoted to horror films from a gay perspective, in 2003.