“True Blood”: Let the Sun Shine In

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Folks, I seriously have no idea what the hell is going on anymore. I feel like I’ve been glamoured so many times by this show that by this point Ginger could beat me at Scrabble. The Season Six finale of True Blood was stranger than any of us could have predicted, and half of me thinks that the show has finally jumped not just the shark, but an entire Sharknado.

Let’s see if we can’t sort all of this out together, shall we?

Sookie (Anna Paquin) is at Terry’s grave and Alcide (Joe Manganiello) comes up to her and talks to her. Pay attention, because this is important later on when the show inexplicably jumps six months halfway through the episode (more on that later). Alcide’s hair looks like he’s wearing several of Roy Orbison’s wigs at once, but Sookie thinks he’s pretty smart for a guy who “makes cement.”

Alcide smells vamps a-comin’, and sure enough, here come Billith (Stephen Moyer), Jess (Deborah Ann Woll), Tara (Rutina Wesley), Willa (Emilia Rose Blaire), and all the rest, prancing around in broad daylight and stripping down to bone on Bill’s front lawn like the touring company of the Hair revival. Some of the vampires even start to DO THE CHARLESTON. As someone who actually had to sit through The Great Gatsby, I consider this cruel and unusual punishment. Some of the vamps do “a Target run” for croquet balls and volleyball nets – okay, that’s kind of cute.

Speaking of balls, Jason (Ryan Kwanten) wants to ball Violet (Karolina Wydra), but she tells him they have to wait. Sookie shows up and Vi vamps out on her momentarily until they convince her that they are indeed siblings. So Vi hugs Sookie – apparently she’s the only vampire in the universe who doesn’t totally porn out when she smells the girl – and tells Sookie that they are now sisters, and gives her a big ol’ wet lickery kiss on the mouth.

So that’s how it is in their family….

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Pam (Kristen Bauer van Straten) and Tara also show up and hug Sookie, who then backs out of this backyard barbecue faster than you can say “faerie pig roast”. Beel-nee-Billith watches from the house, upset that he can no longer levitate glasses of water like he used to when he was a god. Jess talks to him and he admits to throwing Sookie under the Warlow bus in order to save all of them. She says that she promised to protect his humanity, and this definitely counts: he needs to go save Sookie.

Sookie, meanwhile, visits Barlow (Rob Kazinsky), who has been spending his time in Vampire Time Out stringing up a maypole, which is apparently the altar at a faerie wedding. This master of disguise also reveals that not only is he both Lilith’s progeny AND an ancient faerie, he is also “Cockring Ken” (see above). Sookie tells him that she’d like to slow things down, oh… about 700% and just date instead of become his vampire faerie bride. He takes it well – by punching her in the face. What a romantic!

The vamps and shirtless Jason, meanwhile, play volleyball and listen to The Breeders. I can’t complain about any of this. But Pam tells Tara to look after Willa and she goes off to find Eric. And BTW, I think all of their clothes are supposed to be from Target, which is kind of adorable. Beel wants Jason’s help to get Andy to lend him his last remaining daughter so they can pierce the fae realm and save Sookie. He also frees Takahashi and gives him a ton of money. Jason talks Adeline into coming – WITH HIS MIND – and Andy (Chris Bauer) says he’s coming too, with guns: “Let’s do this sh*t.”

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Barlow tells Sookie – whom he has tied up, lest she use her one-time-only faerie balls on him – that he hasn’t waited 5500 years to hang out with her friends in Bon Temps. He admits that he does just want to f*ck her and devour her. Well, at least he’s being honest.

Violet scares Adeline into using her fae light to transport them into Chandelier Cemetery. They get Sookie out. Let’s move on.

Barlow shows up at Sookie’s house and blah blah blah, he comes at her in her bathroom but her grandpa, Niall (Rutger Hauer), grabs Barlow from behind and Jason stakes him. Barlow’s dead. Huzzah.

Oh – and we never see Niall again, so don’t bother getting invested.

All the vamps lose their Barlow powers. Including Eric (Alexander Skarsgard), who is sunbathing nude in the mountains of Sweden – it may be the single most hilarious shot in the history of the show. But it’s buried in a finale that sucks total balls. Anyway, Eric’s on fire. And they showed his pickle! Good on ya, E. Here’s nearly the Full Viking, courtesy of my colleague, snicks:

I do kind of love that Eric was sunning himself on a Wal-Mart lounger. Sadly, though, we still never get a look at his highly-publicized “windy sh*thole” (Pam’s words, not mine!).

SIX MONTHS LATER Oh for f*ck’s sake, really?! Let’s just do this in bullet form:

Beel’s a published author – And God Bled, which sounds to me like a feminist theology dissertation. But no, it’s the Lean In for former vampire deities and onetime Kings of Louisiana, of which there are… one.

Hep V is rampant in the vamp community, and humans can carry it.

Alcide got a haircut, thank GOD.

Jason has been having lunch at the Y with Violet for six months but she won’t reciprocate. Ouch.

Sam (Sam Trammell) is the mayor. WTF?!

And Sookie is clearly wearing Gran’s dresses to church. Full circle?

So apparently Mayor Sam and the Reverend – church and state, y’see? – have joined forces to give humans blood tests to see if they are carrying Hep V… and to then pair non-infected humans and vamps up?! Okay, wait – why can’t they just make more Tru Blood?! I know they blew up the factories or whatever, but does NO ONE have the recipe for that shit? This is so stupid…

Sookie sits next to some little black girl named Crystal at church. This is apparently important? No idea.

Sam has also given his restaurant to Arlene – or she bought it? – so it’s now called Bellefleur’s Bar and Grill.

Later, at a blood-matching open bar, Jess’s Vampire Evan Dando boyfriend, James (Luke Grimes), sings with his lousy emo band (CALLED IT) and Sookie and Alcide both learn that they are Hep-V-negative and Arlene is calling everyone “her children” now that she’s a rich widow.

Lettie Mae Mrs.Reverend (Adina Porter) comes to talk to Tara, telling her that she ruined her daughter’s life and sometimes didn’t even feed her. She wants to make it up to her by feeding her now, with her blood. Tara’s like, “What the hell…”

Jess offers Andy and Adeline her protection, and stands outside their house like a trained German Shepherd.

Beel approaches Sookie in the parking lot and Alcide bristles – “You can growl all you want, bright eyes” – and offers to be her vampire buddy. He and Alcide smell something bad, and it’s the army of infected vamps coming by for Dollar Draft Tuesday… SCENE

Notably Dead: Barlow and maybe possibly Eric

Notably Absent: Sarah Newlin, the Shreveport Pack, Eric’s viking underpants

Notably Absent in the Second Half: Extra-Crispy Eric, Pam, Niall

Notably Nude: Eric, Violet, the cast of Vampire Hair

Quote of the Week: I have to admit I laughed out loud at Bill’s “You can growl all you want, bright eyes…”

So there it is, a mediocre mid season episode masquerading as a finale. So now the show is all about the “infected” versus the “uninfected”? They already have another show like that on Sunday nights on a different channel. And I personally gave up on that one several seasons ago, too. I have no idea where they are going with this whole “Vampire Buddy System” thing, although it did bring us the episode’s only halfway-decent scene, between Tara (who has been underused all season) and Lettie Mae (who has been missing all season). For some reason I keep imagining the vamps and humans exchanging pins like this were some deranged 1960’s teen film. Bring on the sock hops!

Anyway, I’ll give this mess three out of five WTFs, for all the wrong reasons:   Some unanswered questions as we wait for Season Seven: Is Eric dead? Is Jason still a cop? Are the Shreveport wolves still after Sam, who is supposed to be “laying low”… AS THE MAYOR?

Shouldn’t Adeline be, like, 90 now?

Where is Sarah Newlin?

Can Beel really be off the hook for slaughtering the Guv’na, just because he was a bad guy who created a vampire plague?

Will Sookie ever use her anti-vamp faerie balls? Are Sookie and Alcide using protection? And by that I of course mean Frontline.

Where the hell is Niall?

Is Rusty still in the navy?

Thanks for sticking with me through all my confusion, complaining, and ALL CAPS FURY. Were it not for y’all and your thoughtful comments and good cheer, I’d spend Monday mornings shaking my fists at the sky. Meet back here next year?

Writer-filmmaker Brian Juergens launched CampBlood.org, the world's first website devoted to horror films from a gay perspective, in 2003.