Well hello there Fangbangers, shifters, mascara-happy fry cooks, and other creatures of the night! True Blood is back, and it’s as True Bloody as ever. Whether or not that is a good thing remains to be seen. Let’s dig through these entrails and find out!
We start from a Billith spooge POV to see that Sookie (Anna Paquin) has a glowstick in her mouth. Welcome to the 1990s, girl! Sook falls face-first into a pile of Gay Stormtrooper goo (anyone else miss Nan Flanagan?) and Eric (Alexander Skarsgård) shooshes her into an elevator. The lights go out, but it turns out everyone’s favorite roadhouse waitress is handy in a blackout – but can’t vampires see in the dark?
Meanwhile, the rest of the survivors are making their way up the stairs. Pam (Kristin Bauer van Straten) snarks to Nora (Lucy Griffiths), “Excuse me, bitch sergeant” – but as a bitch general, wouldn’t she pull rank?
Outside, Luna (Janina Gavankar) dies. Yes, just like that. THANKS, ARROW.
There are explosions. Bill’s (Stephen Moyer) cratch is on fire (do they make Lotrimin for vampire deities?), and he flies into space while Eric does donuts with his Escalade in the parking lot. Jason (Ryan Kwanten) – in a rare moment of clarity – calls Billith “a naked evil Superman”. From the mouths of extremely hot babes, kids.
We then pop over to the governor’s mansion in Baton Rouge. The Gov (Arliss Howard) looks a bit like an overgroomed Bob Balaban:
Turns out that the Tru Blood shortage caused by Bill’s bombings has led to widespread human carnage, and he initiates a vampire curfew. Oh no – even on Vampire Weekend? [pauses for hipster non-applause]
Governor Balaban is also closing down all vamp-run businesses, which means American Apparel and Forever 21 are GONE, ladies. Sorry! He also advises, “BUY A GUN,” which is what I’d recommend BEFORE shopping at any of the aforementioned. (Or even DSW, because a bitch will CUT YOU for a pair of Clark’s Desert Boots on clearance, I swear it.)
Oh – and a chick with a pink streak in her hair heckles the Governor Balaban during his speech and hits him with a tomato. The pink streak in her hair isn’t there so that we’ll recognize her later or anything, so pay no mind. (Also, being that this is True Blood, I bet she’s at least the governor’s daughter, if not the governor himself.)
Nora and Pam have more words. Several of them are “bitch.” Pam also cuts loose with the rather glorious “Who the f*ck is Mary Poppins and can I please kill her?” Nora, meanwhile, wants to Kill Bill – and Jessica (Deborah Ann Woll) bolts to pout in the surf. Pam whines that the beach is all about “Fish piss and sand in your cooch,” which is pretty much why I stopped visiting Fire Island in the nineties, and she also tells Tara (Rutina Wesley) to “f*ck off” while she’s at it. Down the beach, Sookie tells Jess that Bill was her “first everything.”
Eric asks Nora, “Who the f*ck is Warlow?” A nation echoes his query. Nora storms off to assault Jason, who isn’t feeling it. Wait, Warlow is a vampire? And Lilith’s progeny? Ehhhhh I’m not convinced. And Jason tells Sookie that she’s dead to him. Again with the not convinced.
They’re interrupted when Jess is summoned by Beel. The girl can’t help it! She even pukes on Eric when he gets in the way. Pam mumbles that she’ll miss her. Then Jess fully FREAKS THE F*CK OUT, and Sookie says fine, fine, she’ll go with her and hold her hair back if she has to toss her vampire cookies again. CHILL.
Meanwhile, the wolves eat JD. Alcide (Joe Manganiello) – who is still high on V – does his part by gnawing on JD’s arm… while still in human form. Which I didn’t need to see, really. Then a wolf chippie named Danielle drops trou and offers a BJ to Alcide in the middle of the clearing. Again with the “didn’t need to see” – although this does lead to Alcide ripping his Universal Male stretch-lace top off and bolting off into the woods, which I won’t complain about. Glad to see he’s putting those Magic Mike skills to good use!
Back at the Bellefleur compound (WHERE IS MONA FROM WHO’S THE BOSS?!), Arlene Fowler (Carrie Preston) complains that Andy (Chris Bauer) isn’t pulling his ever-lessening weight as a father figure. She begins to preach to him about the birds & bees, but he interrupts with an enthusiastic, “Well, hogtits, Arlene!” which should pretty much shut up any conversation anywhere. There is also mention of a “poop class”, which is what I always seem to get stuck in whenever I fly Delta. She pep talks him, but I’m distracted by the fact that with his weight loss, Andy looks disarmingly like Dexter Morgan in a close-up. Tell me I’m wrong. I DARE YOU.
Oh – and Andy holding a baby is the scariest thing on the show thus far.
Sam Merlotte (Sam Trammell) sticks Emma (oh… her?) in a booth and is surprised to run into Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) sleeping off a Cajun Margarita (SO. EFFING. GOOD.) in his office. He tells La-la to pretend that he didn’t see him there, and La-la responds with the first laugh-out-loud line of the episode – “Only one way to make sure…” – as he reaches for more tequila. Nelsan, you continue to own. He seals the deal with an “Oh, hunty…” that only Rupaul herself can sign off on (sorry – protocols!) and he takes care of Emma and gives Sam a moment to grieve his late ladyfriend? Maybe? Seriously, SHE’S DEAD ALREADY?!
Meanwhile, Jason hitchhikes and is picked up by Rutger Hauer. Anyone born before 1980 should get the irony of this immediately, but for the rest of you… Jason was picked up hitching BY THE HITCHER. Before you can say “hold the fingers in my French fries,” he’s spilling the beans about the vamps, Sookie, errrrrrrrything. Thanks, J.
Jess and Sook arrive at Beel’s and they find bloody footprints and a pile of what looks like chili powder in his living room. Beel, meanwheel, is seeting out on the porch sipping a sweet tea as though an hour ago he didn’t fly off into space naked and covered in blood. Nora and Eric try to attack him, but he ain’t all about anyone interrupting his porch sit. Sookie stakes him, but nothing happens. Okay. He’s officially the world’s shortest god.
Beel says he sees everything differently now. Sookie tells him to go, Jess tells him to stay. Jess bares her fangs, and that’s that. Oh – and EARTHQUAKE! What? What. Exactly.
Governor Balaban meets with the lady in charge of Tru Blood and offers her a bottling plant. Cue the Laverne and Shirley intro! No, seriously, she falls for it.
Hey, Alcide – sweet poopah! So says Danielle, with whom he’s making out right about now… but Rikki catches them. Rikki kicks Danielle to the curb, then calls her back, then makes out with her, then sticks her on Alcide’s d*ck like a French tickler about to get its SAG card. Talk about mixed messages! Rikki grunts, “I’m your #1 bitch!”
Tara tells Pam, “F*ck Eric!” but Pam isn’t into it. (Even though she has been, let it be said, into it, before.) Pam tells
the audience Tara, “this isn’t going to be some epic f*cking love story.” Point taken. SWAT guys show up and tell Pam that they’re taking away Fangtasia because it’s vampire-owned – executive order 846! Tara stands up for her and gets shot. Pam actually seems upset.
Eric and Sookie talk, and she says she’s changed. He lets her have her house back by stabbing himself with a pen – which, by the way is exactly what it takes to get a mortgage these days. She says, “I wanna be that girl again,” which apparently means rescinding her invitation for him to be in her house. He takes it very well, I gotta say. Outside, Nora tells Eric that she’s found his weakness: waitresses!
Andy’s kids – they grow up so fast!
Jess, meanwhile, is at Bill’s, and he tucks her in under what looks suspiciously like a Cookie Monster pelt by getting all Carrie White on her Tru Blood nightcap. He says he doesn’t know what he is, but he’s fairly sure he is the very model of a modern major general. He wants Jess to keep him honest, which is totally going to happen.
Meanwhile, Jason continues to spill beans to his driver, noting, “I feel like that little gay boy from The Sixth Sense!” He suddenly thinks his driver is Warlow and he shoots him, but The Hitcher is gone. The car crashes.
Sookie’s fairy scrolls glow in the dark. Must be the Kindle edition?
And Bill has flashbacks to that time he accidentally watched Hellraiser 3, and then three Liliths show up to run into him real fast. What? Hey – does it count as cheating if you’re cheating on the same person three times with herself?
NOTABLY DEAD: Luna, various vampire soldiers, Danielle’s gag reflex
NOTABLY ABSENT: Steve Newlin, Holly, the fairies, Portia Bellefleur, Lettie Mae, Ginger
QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Pam takes it with “Who is Mary Poppins and can I please kill her?”
Alright, here’s the thing – while it was great to be back in Bon Temps with the gang after all this time, this episode was majorly lacking. It felt like the second half of the finale, not like the start of a new season. Aside from the introduction of Governor Balaban (whose scenes existed entirely independently of the rest of the action), we really just tied up a few loose ends (and I’m not just talking about Alcide! [rimshot]) and went home to have a cup of tea and go to bed. Meh.
After all that Authoritaay nonsense and Bill’s transformation into Billith, now he’s just back to being a kind of dickish guy in a henley? I was kind of hoping for something a little more extreme than that. And don’t even get me started on Luna dying from kennel cough or whatever the hell she managed to catch in the stairwell.
On the WTF scale of one to five Vamps, I’d give the episode a rather tepid two:
But that’s just one meatbag’s opinion. What’d you think? Are you liking the new season? Which storyline are you most looking forward to?