Everyone’s after Warlow in this week’s episode. Well, except those who are after Emma. Or Eric. Or Japanese scientists. Or a clue.
In Willa Burrell’s room, Eric (Alexander Skarsgård) threatens to “tear her apart right down there,” which sounds a bit cavalier for a first date. (Don’t let your mouth write checks your mouth can’t cash!) Before he can dig in, she tells him something that gives him pause – what, she once dated Michael Douglas? No, she says that she can tell him things about her father’s “experiment” – and she’s not just talking about that time he kissed a dude in college.
Back at Casa Beel, Bilith (Stephen Moyer) tells Jess (Deborah Ann Woll) that he has to save her and all the other vamps in his vision from burning up at a rave. She’s good with that.
Sookie (Anna Paquin) plays with her balls in her room while Jason (Ryan Kwanten) and Niall (Rutger Motherf*cking Hauer) chat downstairs. Jason gets a headache, and suddenly Warlow is outside. Let’s just go ahead and make note of that. Warlow bolts, and Niall tells Sookie that she should be taking this seriously, and Sookie has a wonderfully self-aware moment where she acknowledges that she’s pretty much in danger 24/7 now and she’s saving her jazz for when the shit really hits the fan. Peepaw tells her that Warlow is after her because she’s a pretty pretty fairy princess.
Pam (Kristin Bauer van Straten) and Tara (Rutina Wesley) are at Fangtasia waaaay past “last call”. Eric strolls in with Willa – Pam wants to behead her, and Tara wants to glamor her. Eric says Willa is the only negotiating chip they have left with the Guvna, so she’s going with them. Willa tells him about her father’s “camp” for vampires – “Sick, sick shit.” Wait – I thought Exodus shut down? Pam strolls back in, noting, “Everything her father didn’t steal or destroy fits in this box.” Except for the thrones, of course. Or Ginger, but we’ll get to her in a minute. Aww… is this really the end of Fangtasia?!
We then visit said “camp,” where a vamp in a hood is dragged in by a SWAT team. It’s Steve Newlin (Michael McMillan)! Gosh darnit I missed that snitty little bitch.
Sam (Sam Trammell) and Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) awaken to find Nicole (Jurnee Smollett-Bell) and Jesse, her douchebag boyfriend, standing over them. They want to help and want the answers to their annoying questions even more, but Lafayette suggests they forget everything they just saw: “Erase.” Nicole says she can help get Emma back, and Sam looks like he might believe her. What, because she’s got a videocamera and he’s just a shapeshifter who owns his own business and took down a demigod, right? Right. Sam tells Lafayette to go home, but Lala delivers a touching mini-mon about how Sam gave him a chance when nobody else would and never judged him, so he’s in it for the long haul: “What’s the motherf*ckin’ plan, boyfriend?”
Eric bats his eyelashes and soon enough he, Pam, Tara and Willa are ensconced in Ginger’s (Tara Buck) tidy abode. “Does this mean we’re not f*ckin’?” Yes, Ginger. That and much more. Eric takes Willa to bed with him, but only so that Pam can’t behead her.
Beel tells Jess that his vision of Lilith and Her Bloody Merkin Trio was meant to teach him that he can meet the sun without dying. Jess tells him that he’s crazy, but he does it anyway – and before you know it, he’s on fire and Jess is throwing a blanket on him. HA! That was funnier than the end of the first episode of Whodunnit?.
Niall goes to the fairie club, and it’s been ransacked. In a scene more fitting to Dr. Who (seriously, couldn’t Rutger Hauer be the next Doctor?), he does fairie CSI and learns that some powerful vampire killed all the go-go boys (no word on if he was a good tipper). But Claude (Giles Matthey) has been left barely alive – not sure why, since he doesn’t give Niall any useful information and instead just begs to die. Niall “sends him home.”
Sookie wants to take Jason to the hospital, especially after he tells her that he’s been hallucinating about their mother and father, which has been making him “more racist than usual.” (Am I the only one thinking that Jason might have a brain tumor? Named Warlow?)
Andy (Chris Bauer) and Kevin get a shipment of anti-vamp novelties from the Guvna. Holly (Lauren Bowles) drops in to complain that vampires are keeping them awake and night at the motel, and she’s shocked to see that Andy’s two-day-old babies are now teenagers. Andy takes Holly to Fort Bellefleur for shooting practice, and one of his laser-shooting daughters reads Holly’s mind and learns that she’s still sweet on Andy.
Elsewhere, Rikki (Kelly Overton) outruns a cop car to Meemaw’s house, where they unsuccessfully try to convince Emma to shift. Alcide (Joe Manganiell0) and Rikki stall but eventually they drag out Meemaw (Dale Dickey), and Rikki SCARES THE LIVING DOGSHIT out of Emma, forcing her to shift into a puppy. The cops leave. And there’s a big owl on the roof, which just must be Sam, right?
In Ginger’s coffin, Eric tries to sleep but Willa yammers on about how her mom ran off with a vampire who owns a club in LA, and she tries to lick Eric’s blood but he won’t let her. This chickadee’s some kinda freaky, right?
Niall runs into Ben (Rob Kazinsky) outside the club, and wouldn’t you know it, he knows who Warlow is, and wouldn’t you know it, he knows Niall is the King of the Fairies, and wouldn’t you know it, he actually met Sookie just yesterday. That’s a lot of wouldn’t you know its. He agrees to fight in Niall’s two-halflings-and-a-fairy army.
Jess wants to help Beel do whatever it is he’s doing, so he tells her to put on something slutty to seduce a Japanese scientist. Sounds good to me.
Meanwhile, back at Bland Camp, Sarah Newlin (Anna Camp) – hey, gurl! – stops by to rip her ex a new one for ruining her life: “You were never fun as a human being.” She’s a politician now, which is the only thing more dangerous than a religious zealot. Oh, wait – “God’s master plan.” Right on schedule. The doctor wants to learn what Steve knows about Eric…
Beel goes to Sookie for help, but she isn’t feeling it – especially since it involves giving him her precious princess blood so he can synthesize it and sell it on eBay: “You’re not God, Bill, you’re just an asshole.” And then she THROWS A PLATE AT HIS FACE. It’s kind of the best moment ever. She won’t help, and he tells her that she’s dead to him. IRONY. And can we count this as yet another concussion for J-bird?
Over at the pack… place, the patchouli-soaked revolutionaries come in peace, but the pack would rather they leave in pieces… especially since they’re clearly just there to get video of werewolves shifting. Stupid kids! The wolves eat at least one of them, and they go after Nicole. Sam the Owl, meanwhile, swoops in to get Emma – but he’s distracted by trying to help Nicole (who has already been helped by two white wolves that fought off the others).
The Guvna (Arliss Howard) traces Eric’s untraceable phone (in a needlessly complicated scene, no?) and Tara runs off with Willa before Eric can kill her. Eric glamors Ginger – AGAIN – which gives her as many glamors as J has had concussions.
Niall brings Ben to Sookie’s and shows them Warlow’s blood, which is basically a vampire glowstick. Sookie doesn’t like Ben poking around in her head, and grumbles, “I just gotta clean or something.” As I’ve been saying for six years now, this show is really just the story of a young Southern girl tryin’ to keep her kitchen clean.
Ben offers to help, and she agrees: “I’ll sweep, you catch.” Well I usually armwrestle for it, but hey, house rules! She wonders why she can feel Ben in her head when she’s never been able to feel anyone else. Suddenly, Warlow is back – okay, this is getting ridiculous. Can’t they harpoon him with a couple of floating yellow barrels like in Jaws so they’ll always know if he’s nearby? Niall goes out to investigate, but it’s just Nora (Lucy Griffiths), crouching in the bushes… looking for Warlow. Jason collapses again, on cue.
And Andy Bellefleur picks up Vampire Bill for being out after curfew, but Beel talks his way out of the ticket just pretty as a picture. He also senses that something’s up with Andy’s surprisebabies, and walks away smiling to himself. So I guess he’s gonna go after their blood instead?
Notably Absent: Arlene, Terry, and Patrick’s widow, Lilith and Her Bloody Merkin Trio
Notably Dead: Claude, one of the nosy kids, Bill’s career as a tiki torch
Quote of the Week: I think Miss Stackhouse takes it with, “You’re not God, Bill, you’re just an asshole.” Was this really the last nail in the coffin of that particular relationship?
Overall, not a terrible episode, but a bit silly. They really need to get this Warlow nonsense over and done with post-haste. It’s great to have Steve back to bitch things up a little, and the sight of Sookie throwing plates at her real-life husband’s face was pretty amazing. I am curious as to why Jason’s headaches coincide with Warlow’s appearances and what his hallucinations had to do with it all.
In all, I’d give it a WTF Rating of two (out of five):
What’d y’all think? Are Bill and Sookie over? (Again?) Are Eric and Willa going to become more than coffin-mates? Will Tara’s residual humanity get her staked? And will The Littlest Werewolf ever get to have a tea party with Auntie Lala again?