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"True Blood" 6.4: "Get the F*ck Off Me or Die"

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Okay, there was such an insane amount of plot development this episode that I'm just going to jump into it. Strap in!

Ben (Rob Kazinsky) fangs out, bites himself and gives his blood to an ailing Jason (Ryan Kwanten) while Sookie (Anna Paquin) calls 911. Okay, so Ben is a vampire, but he can walk in the sun, reads minds and has thoughts that Sookie can hear, and isn't contractually obligated to dress like a goth hooker. Nope, nothing to see here!

Meanwhile, Peepaw Niall (Rutger Hauer) zaps Nora (Lucy Griffiths) into the next county after she blabbers about Warlow and Lilith in the Vampire Bible, and she gets bagged and tagged by some SWAT guys. She says "f*ck". A lot.

Alcide (Joe Manganiello) pulls his shirt on (awww....) and barks at his packmembers to go after Nicole and Sam and Emma.

Sam (Sam Trammell) - where did he get pants, btw? - takes Nicole and Emma to where Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) is waiting for them in the getaway jalopy.

Ginger (Tara Buck), meanwhile, is still playing Bad Receptionist (as per Eric's glamour orders) even when The Guvna (Arliss Howard) - whom she has been stalling on the phone - arrives in person. She unleashes one of her ticket-selling screams, right on schedule.  The Guvna calls Eric a "peckerwood" when he realizes that he's gotten away, punches a door, and screams right along with her.

Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) and Pam (Kristin Bauer van Straten) track Tara (Rutina Wesley) to the sewers, where she instantly cracks and tells them that Willa is at the fairgrounds.

Terry (Todd Lowe) is at home watching news from Afghanistan - can we agree that maybe this is a bad idea? - and his four nieces giggle to him about how they can read his mind and know he's sad that he killed Patrick. Andy (Chris Bauer) makes them go to bed, where they cuddle  like kittens in a shoebox - that is, until the lights go out and they're suddenly eighteen-going-on-thirty, depending on which one of them you're looking at.

One squeals, "Look at my boobs!" She's got a future with the E! network, that one. They agree to raid Auntie Arlene's closet and go out drinkin'. They steal Andy's Sheriff's car, and Jess (Deborah Ann Woll) and Beel (Stephen Moyer) watch, marveling at both their smell and the fact that anyone else would deliberately dress like Arlene Fowler.

Back at Chez Sook, Jason does shirtless pull-ups. I'm okay with that. Sookie finds a single drop of blood on her living room floor and flashes back to exactly 15 seconds ago, when she saw Jason doing shirtless pull-ups. Got their money's worth out of that shot! She does a faerie forensic scan of the droplet and it turns all disco-ball, just like Warlow's blood did. So... Ben IS Warlow? Or did Warlow just sire him?

Jess and Beel intercept the girls at the Grabbit Quik - and I'm pretty sure this is the same location and the same actor playing the creepy clerk from the very first scene of the very first episode of this entire series. (Good times!) Jess glamours him into not caring if the girls have IDs, and she does a very unconvincing "I'm cool" shtick until they point out that she smells funny and they probably shouldn't hang out with her. She admits she's a vampire. They're freaked, but only for a second. Because... shooters!

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Jason shaves, but it turns out it's actually Ben shaving him. You could say it's a touch homoerotic. Ben then asks Jason to shave him, requesting, "Do it like you do to yourself." Uh-huh. Jason nicks Ben's neck, and Ben tells him to taste it. Jason leans in, but suddenly he wakes up to find that there's been something going on with Jason Jr. while he was asleep.

Bill puts a bondage bracelet on one of the nameless faerie girls and uses it to take her blood. He then asks the Japanese dude he has trapped in his basement (Takahashi?) to synthesize it - like, right away, before Veep comes on. He says he'll kinda try but Bill warns, "Failure is not an option." Remember in the books when Bill's biggest claim to fame was a vampire Facebook... on DVD-ROM? Oh how times have changed...

Willa, meanwhile, is on the carousel waiting for Eric. He asks why she waited and she says her daddy's mean and she likes to ride the horseys. He asks what she wants and she says she wants to help him. So he carries her in her pristine white dress to a muddy hill, where he proceeds to dig an extremely large hole. Like, seriously - he digs a hole big enough to bury a Pontiac Grand Prix. He moves to remove his shirt and Willa moans, "I'm a virgin, pretty much!" He lays his shirt down on the dirt for her. Awwww! She asks, "Is it gonna hurt?" Eric answers, "Not the way I do it." He bites her. Eric is a messy eater! Maybe he should have used that shirt as a bib instead, because her dress is ruined. He then uses her crucifix to stab himself in the neck, and he lets her drink from him.

The next day, Nicole has a nasty bite on her leg. Lala Nightingale is there to administer gauze and tape, but Nicole ain't having it. Sam tells Lala to high-tail it, and then he high-tails it himself - literally - by dropping trou and turning into a horse.

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Sookie visits Ben at his hotel - in broad daylight - to ask him to dinner. He's shirtless, with a patch on his shoulder where he's apparently wounded. Later, at the grocery, she leaves a voicemail for Jason, asking him to take Niall to see Despicable Me 2, because she's got a booty call with a vampire faerie.

At the Bellefleurs, Andy can't give Kevin a description of his four daughters, and finds this to be an excuse to belittle Kevin's policing skills for the 243rd time.

At Chez Sookie, Jason asks Niall, "Even though you're a faerie, you're a straight type of faerie, ain't ya?" Niall reads Jason's mind and responds, "That Ben's a handsome fella." They discuss the sex dream and realize that Ben may be a vampire fae - because fae folk don't give people sex dreams like vamps do. They're instantly convinced that Ben is Warlow. Wait - hasn't Niall been tracking Warlow for like 100 years or something? Wouldn't he recognize him? Or at least smell him?

They break into Ben's motel room, but Ben ambushes them with balls of light and shit. He speaks with a British accent now, so we know he is serious. He glamours Jason into letting him and Sookie have their booty call, and then he tries to bleed Niall dry but he can't actually drink his blood so he sucks it out and spits it into the tub like he was siphoning someone's gas tank. Eesh. I hope they leave a tip for housekeeping.

Meanwhile, Alcide is still a dick:

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Sookie, it turns out, bought colloidal silver at the Winn-Dixie. You know, right between the vanilla extract and the imitation lemon flavor! WHAT? She gets all dolled up for her date with Barlow...

Eric rents a blood bag for Willa, and pays him well. Willa's a cold mess, by the way - she's all "eat this, kill this, my dad sucks, arrrgh!" so Eric tells her to shut up and go home. She freaks out at the fact that he only did this to get back at her father, but DUHHHHHH - what did she think he was doing this for?!

Pam and Tara squabble at what looks like a backlot set for an old Universal western. (Seriously, where the hell are they?!) Tara bolts just before Pam gets juiced by the SWAT guys.

At the Guvna's, we learn that Sarah Newlin (Anna Camp) is in bed with him, both literally and figuratively. Willa comes home - via pocket doors! - and things look to be going well until she smells the blood from when he punched Eric's door and tries to eat him, and Sarah has to put her down with some fancy gun.

On Warlow Bridge, Ben spares Niall by giving him his blood and throwing him into the wormhole. Before tossing him in, he tells him that he was fae before he was turned. Okay, that explains everything, no? No.

At the motel, Nicole mourns her asshole, patchouli-soaked friends. Sam mourns for Luna, FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE SHE DIED. But just for a second, because they got makin' out to do!

Ben shows up late at Sookie's with flowers and wine. She has just cleared the plates - one of which she dosed with colloidal silver - but she puts one plate back. Must have been the wrong one (or this vampire is really immune to everything), because he chows down on it. She's blunt: "What is it about me that you want?"

In new clothes (Jessica's maybe?), Andy's nameless daughters - maybe we can call them the Splice Girls? - revolt against Jessica and demand to go home. She tells them she can't let them leave, then she smells one up close - maybe it's Look at My Boobs Splice? - and bites the crap out of her.

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At the Grabbit Quik, Jason racks the clerk in the nuts and tells Andy that faeries are like catnip to vampires. Andy is less than happy to learn this.

Back at Beel's, he hears a commotion upstairs and runs in to find that Jess has eaten all of Andy's kids. Whoopsies! Jess cops to being the worst babysitter since Elizabeth Shue.

Ben and Sookie put on some Etta James and make out. But when things get hot and heavy, she whips out her faerie ball and says, "Get the f*ck off me or die, Warlow." Maybe the ball should have been blue.

SCENE.

Notably Absent: Steve Newlin

Notably Dead: Willa, The Splice Girls (maybe)

Notably Undead: Willa

Okay, I'm totally confused. Why is Warlow giving his blood to everyone instead of just killing them? Why did Sookie let him get his fangs in her pants before turning the tables on him? Why did Warlow look like Rob Zombie when he came out of the wormhole but now we looks like Hoyt's little brother? Why is Sam so reluctant to let Lafayette help him? Why is no one else in Bon Temps completely freaked out about Andy's motherless rapid-age kids? And why is Alcide still being such an a-hole? Whose V did he drink, anyway - Charlie Sheen's?

Sigh. I guess I have to give it 4 WTFs - deserved, though not necessarily enjoyed:

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So what'd you think of the episode? The season so far?

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