“True Blood” Episode 301 Recap: “Pack of Wolves”

Hey there, fellow
Welcome back for another season of blood, butts, and biceps. I
want to recap bad things for you.

Since I’m new to recapping this show, let me give you a
sense where I’m coming from … I am completely obsessed with Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse
novels and have read every single one. So I’m planning on spending these recaps
meticulously cataloging all the ways the TV show differs from the books and
then griping about it.


That would, pardon the pun, suck. Besides, I’m totally at
peace with viewing the show on its own terms and appreciating what it uniquely
brings to the table … namely, excessive male nudity. So I’ll spend the recaps
doing what’s most important for all of us — assessing how close we are to some
sort of threeway, preferably involving Alexander

We open just where we
left off,
with Sookie rushing
out of Bon Temp’s answer to Tavern on the Green looking for the
suddenly-missing Bill.

Then we get these quick little scenes that show us where all
the major characters are right now. Most of these scenes involve really fast
driving, which is a suitably scary way to kick things off. Remember, this is
the Deep South, and we all know what happens
to people who get pulled over for driving too fast.

Then it’s opening
credits time.
Which reminds me that this show is going neck-and-neck with Dexter over who can have the most
revolting opening credits. Lord, I forgot how gross that catfish was!

Back to Sookie, who
runs out of the restaurant,
realizes Bill’s been vamp-napped, and proceeds
to go all Last-of-the-Mohicans, “Stay
alive! I will find you!” The trouble is, the local police all think Sookie is
pretty much loco and refuse to check into Bill’s disappearance until more
time’s passed.

So she takes matters into her own hands, and goes visiting
the other storylines to see if Bill shows up in any of them.

First stop … Bill’s
where Sookie surprises a teary-eyed Jessica.

Unbeknownst to Sookie, Jessica had spent the night sucking
some guy dry, only to have him pass out on her. In other words, she’s pretty
much re-enacted my own prom night.

But Jessica doesn’t mention any of this to Sookie when she
shows up, instead saying that her bloody tears are over her being on the outs
with Hoyt.

Sookie tells her that if Bill shows up, Jessica should call
her right away, even if Bill commands her not to. Jessica responds, “You know I
can’t do that.” Why do I think this might be an important detail later?

After Sookie leaves,
Jessica tries
to revive her fangbuddy, and when that fails, chomps her own
arm and tries to heal him with her blood. But it doesn’t work, because she
wakes up to find his corpse stinking up the bed next to her. Which is exactly what happened to me the night
before the S.A.T.s.

Speaking of corpses, over
at Merlotte’s,
the police are covering up Eggs’ body, and we see blood seeping through the sheet. In other
words, those Eggs are runny. (Sorry, but somebody had to say it).

totally distraught about Eggs going sunny-side up, and I really wanted to
comfort her, assuring her that I know for a fact that Eggs is in a better place
now. Which he is – have you seen his Calvin Klein underwear ads? Hot!

Arlene is giving
a statement to the police about how Eggs died, but making it all about herself.
So Tara, pissed, tells her to shut the eff up.
Arlene responds, “I’m sorry if you were dating a serial killer. But who among
us here hasn’t?” Ha! Have I mentioned that I love Arlene?

Tara reminds everyone that
it wasn’t really Eggs’ fault. She means that Eggs was being controlled by a
maenad, but Arlene snits, “Why, because of society? Or slavery?” So Tara topples her and we get our first cat-fight of the
season. Yay! I love this show!

drags Tara out of the melee, and Arlene snits
behind her back, “Why do they have to make everything about race?” Heh. Dumbass
rednecks are totally hilarious. At least until they run for office.

Meanwhile, Andy and
are worried over their role in Eggs’ death. You may remember that
Jason was the one who shot Eggs, but Andy took the blame for it. Now Jason’s
all freaked out that he killed somebody, and Andy’s all worried that their
story is full of holes.

I’m not really sure why Andy’s so worried about this. I’d
think given what was going on with all the Maryann
craziness, Eggs’ shooting would be a clear case of self-defense (didn’t Eggs
come after him with a knife?). But I guess they figure since Jason’s a
civilian, it would be better for Andy to claim he pulled the trigger. Plus
neither of them are exactly the sharpest of fangs, if you get my meaning.

Andy tells Jason he’s got to get a grip and act like his
usual horndog self or he’ll arouse suspicion. He commands him, “Conscience off.
Dick on.” Which is very Mr. Miyagi
of him.

Next stop on Sookie’s
“Where in the world is my almost-maybe-fiance?” tour
… Fangtasia! Where
she’s greeted by Pam. Yay!

I love Pam and the actress who plays her, and I can’t even
really say why, given she hasn’t had all that much to do so far (although I
hear that will change this season). Maybe it’s because she’s a dead ringer for L.A. Law-era Jill Eikenberry? It’s true! Pam is totally Jill Eikenberry in a
rubber dominatrix dress. And good luck getting that image out of your head.

Pam salivates over Sookie like she’s a veal cutlet in a pink
dress. Sookie, realizing Pam’s coming on to her, says, “I’m not in the mood for
any lesbian weirdness.” Which is exactly how I feel these days anytime I open a
magazine with the headline, “Melissa
Talks Candidly.”

Sookie demands to see Eric
and heads to the basement, while Pam rather insincerely says, “No. Wait. Stop.”
In case you didn’t get it, this is a direct reference to the original Willy Wonka movie, when Willy only
half-heartedly tries to keep those bratty kids from mutilating themselves
around his factory. It’s true! Pam’s a dead ringer for Gene Wilder in a rubber dress. And good luck getting that image out of your head.

Sookie heads downstairs and finds Eric and one of
Fangtasia’s dancers shtupping.
(That’s Yiddish for “doing it.” This show might be set in the Deep South, but
it’s being recapped by a New York Jew.)

Eric goes to greet
Sookie, and there it is … Alexander Skarsgard
’s gloriously naked body. How
do I describe it in a way that does it justice? Let’s just say that it’s like Michelangelo’s David got himself an
agent and said, “Book me on whatever show requires the least clothing.”

In fact, his body is so spectacular that I’m almost able to
overlook the ways they desperately try to hide his mini-Vlad the Impaler, even
though he’s strutting around the room bare-assed nekkid. Seriously, Austin Powers did the hide-the-salami
bit with more elegance and artistry than here. And who exactly is the shy one
here? Skarsgard? HBO? Or are they saving the full monty for a later episode?

Anyway, Sookie at first accuses Eric of having snatched
Bill. But when Eric denies it, she believes him and says she thinks Bill’s
maker, psycho Lorena, probably has
him. Eric assures her that he’ll try to find Lorena. He explains it’s part of
his duty as Bill’s sheriff, adding that he’ll help Bill even though, “I want
what is his.”

Then he gives Sookie the veal-cutlet-salivating look

After Sookie leaves,
we find out that Eric
had in fact sent a couple of goons to get Bill, but
he’d already been vamp-snatched by somebody else when they got there. Eric is
pissed, and he and Pam talk about how they could get into trouble with the Queen if she finds out Eric lost
the only vampire who knows about their little V-dealing operation.

Then the Queen
herself shows up at Fangtasia.
I love the Queen! For one thing, she’s
played by Evan Rachel Leigh Cook Wood,
who is totally awesome, if a little bit frightening.

For another, I love everything having to do with vampire
politics on this show. Wouldn’t it be great if our own leaders were all totally
hot and sexy and spent their time lounging around screwing each other at orgies
instead of screwing gay rights?

The Queen is accompanied by the Magistrate, who you may remember oversaw Bill’s trial back in Season
1. The Magistrate is played by That Guy Whose Real Name Is Impossible to
Pronounce But He Shows Up on Every Single TV Show at Some Point Or Other. (AKA Zeljko Ivanek.)

The Magistrate is investigating why Eric’s territory has the
highest amount of V-dealing anywhere. He wants to find out who’s responsible
and punish them swiftly and accordingly. Clearly this fellow could never get a
job working for whichever government organization is supposed to whipping
British Petroleum for their world record eff up.

The Magistrate is something of a moralistic killjoy,
lecturing them on how spilling blood “for any purposes other than procreation
is blasphemy.” Hmmm, where have I heard something like that before? Oh yes.
Could it be … the Church? I think it’s kind of brilliant that this show has a
vampire aping Church doctrine almost verbatim.

Anyway, Eric and the Queen are all, “Oh, we so agree with
you! Yes, it’s terrible,” but honestly, they’re not remotely convincing. I’m
not sure the Magistrate buys their innocence act either. Yet when Eric promises
to get to the bottom of it, the Magistrate seems satisfied and exits.

After he’s gone, Eric
fesses up to the Queen
about having lost Bill, who knows all about their
illegal V ring. She says she doesn’t care about that; all she cares about is
her tax problems with the I.R.S. Hmm, I guess she hasn’t heard about all that
oil headed her way.

She orders Eric to sell their V supply at half-price and as
quickly as possible to get the money she needs. Then she gives the best line of
the night: “Hell hath no fury like a vampire queen in debt.”

Meanwhile, in a car
swiftly racing through the night,
we see Bill, who it turns out has been
vamp-napped by a bunch of skeevy goons.

One of the vamp-nappers is played by the Freighter Guy from Lost,
and when I realize this, I fly into a blind rage, because at this point,
anything having to do with Lost and
the hours of my life I wasted on it tends to have that effect. But then I
remember the same guy was also on Ugly
, and I loved that show, so I start feeling good again. It’s all very
confusing! Just like being on V!

Which these goons all are, apparently. They spend the car
ride draining Bill and drinking away, and at some point for no real reason,
everybody winds up with their shirts off, not that I’m complaining. It’s one of
those things that make this show so brilliant.

One of the goons suggests that the best way to get Bill’s
blood into the guy in the back seat is by biting him, drinking his blood, then
spitting it into the other guy’s mouth, sort of like a mother robin and her
hatchlings only more disgusting.

The back-seat guy protests that this would be “kind of gay,”
and the other one snorts that that’s rich, “Coming from a guy rubbing his
titties in a car full of dudes.” Which he totally is! Apparently this show is
going to go out of its way this season to show us guys doing stuff they haven’t
done yet on Spartacus. Not that I’m

The goons get more and more hepped up on the V, and Bill
warns them that they’re kind of draining him dry. But they’re totally blitzed
by now, so Bill seizes the moment, grabs the steering wheel, and crashes the

Meanwhile, in a motel
room in Arkansas
, we find Sam.
Adorable, scruffy-headed, puppy-eyed, I’d-so-love-to-cuddle-with Sam. I love
Sam! He’s on the road, you may remember, because he’s trying to track down his
birth parents.

There’s a knock at the door, and it’s shirtless Bill, who
says he needs Sam’s help. Sam wonders how Bill found him, and Bill reminds him
that since Sam drank his blood (to help him heal after Eggs stabbed him),
they now share a bond.

Then things get, well, porno-y. The two of them start making
eyes at each other, and Sam takes off his shirt, and Bill says he needs to
shower and that the water in Arkansas is extra hard, and … is it just me or is
it getting really, really warm in here?

Then Bill asks Sam to join him in the shower, and Sam says
he thinks he will, and they move in on each other, and I pause the TV and call
my partner in the office, and say, “Get home now. There’s, uh, something I need
your help with. Right now!”

Where was I? Oh, right! Bill, Sam, no shirts, shower …
Granted, these two aren’t necessarily the top two guys I’d like to see make out
on this show (that would be Eric and well, pretty much anybody). But it’s still
very, very steamy.

Except, it’s also
nothing but a tease.
Because Sam wakes up and we find out he was dreaming.
Seriously, a dream sequence. Booooooo!!!! Not cool, show. Not cool. Hot, but
definitely not cool.

Sam is awakened by the phone, with some tip about where his
birth parents’ other son is currently working.

Sam goes to the
where the other son supposedly works, but some other guy there says
Sam’s brother had taken off a while ago, adding he was something of a low life.
Sam says that from what he hears, the whole Mickens family are like that, then
he takes off himself. To me, there’s something totally fishy about this garage

Sam senses it too. Because he follows the garage guy to the
other side of the tracks and sees him go into this house where there’s shouting
inside. Sam snoops through the mailbox and finds he’s found his way home. It’s
Chez Mickens, and the garage guy was in fact his bro. But Sam’s not quite ready
to go in and say, “Sonny’s home,” just quite yet.

Meanwhile, back at
, Jason is making good on his promise to Andy to act the horndog

He and Hoyt pick up these two NYU grads, who are trekking
their way out west. They look
totally alike, and Jason keeps mistakenly referring to Mary Kate as Ashley. But then he hilariously defends himself by
saying that down south, it’s customary to talk to one woman while staring at

They bring the twins back to Jason’s house. But after a few
minutes alone with Hoyt in his bedroom, Mary Kate comes out complaining that
poor Hoyt’s still too hung up on Jessica to shtupp.

Mary Kate asks if she can join Ashley and Jason in bed
instead. Ashley tells her to hop in, all “OMG! We’re doing this again?” (I’m
sure the folks at NYU are just delighted by all this.)

But it quickly becomes apparent that there’s trouble in
penile paradise. It seems Jason Jr. doesn’t want to come out and play, and as
the women try to figure out why, we proceed to get a veritable masterclass in
the intimate workings of Jason’s favorite appendage, leading to this hilarious

Mary Kate: “Did
he already … ?
Ashley: “No!”
Mary Kate
: “Did
you … ?”
: “Yes!
This is what I’ve been dealing with for the last half hour.”

Jason suggests the twins give him a break and focus on each
other for a minute, and they proceed to make out. Which I thought was nice. Not
because I found it remotely titillating, but because it demonstrates that Alan Ball is such a saint he’s willing
to throw the occasional bone to the one or two straight guys watching this

Jason’s problem, BTW, is that he keeps having scrambled Eggs
flash-backs, imagining the two girls with bullet holes in their heads. When he
mentions this little detail to them, for some reason it freaks them out,
strange as that might sound. Who knew NYU girls were so sensitive!

Cut to Sookie’s
Lafayette brings Tara back there to deal with her grief, plying her
with tequila and pills to calm her down.

At one point, Sookie comes in looking for Bill. When Tara
tells her that Eggs was shot, Sookie remembers, to her horror, that she had
used her mind-reading powers to help Eggs remember all the horrible things he’d
done under Maryann’s power.

Tara hears this and totally freaks out, since she thinks it
might have somehow contributed to Eggs being killed. She flies into a rage at
Sookie, and unlike with Arlene, it’s not a very fun catfight at all. Sookie
leaves the room, with Lafayette apologizing to her for Tara’s behavior.

Later, Tara receives
another visitor — her mother.
I love this character! I love how she’s …
well, I was going to say bat-sh*t crazy, but given this is a show about
vampires, I didn’t think it would be very sensitive of me to malign bats that
way. So I’ll switch to a phrase that won’t offend anybody. Let’s just say that
Tara’s mother is Palin-sh*t crazy.

She used to be Palin-sh*t crazy because of the booze. And
now she’s Palin-sh*t crazy because of the Bible.

So Mama brings her preacher in with her to help pray some
sense into Tara. Lafayette calls this out for the useless, self-indulgent B.S.
it is, telling her she’d do better to mind the Bible less and mind her daughter
more. (Love him!). He adds that when it comes to his own relationship with his
aunt – who he remembers only recently shot him – it’s pretty much a “bridge to
nowhere.” See? Even he sees her as Palin-sh*t crazy.

After Lafayette
leaves them, he meets up with Pam,
who tells him that, per Eric’s orders,
he’s got to cut his V rates in half and move to sell all of it within the next
day. Lafayette makes a crack along the lines of, “Hookah, you crazy!” In
response, Pam bares her fangs and grabs him by the throat.

Pam says she doesn’t understand why so many people think
they can share their feelings with her – maybe because she likes pink? But she
reminds Lafayette that she could tear out his throat, and adds, “I am not a
hooker. That was a very, very long time ago.”

Heh. I love how much more Pam we’re already getting this

When Lafayette
returns to Tara’s mom
, he finds out she left Tara alone to take a shower.
Alarmed, he storms the bathroom and finds Tara swallowing pills. D’oh!

I have to say, I don’t like sad, defeated Tara. I want
kick-ass Tara back. But I guess, given what Eggs meant to her, they do have to
deal with her grief in some way before she can move on.

Meanwhile, Bill,
having freed himself from the goons’ car wreck
, finds himself at the door
of a lonely old lady’s house. It’s kind of like that scene in Young Frankenstein where the monster
goes to the house of that blind guy who keeps setting him on fire. Yes, it’s
just like that, only not remotely funny and sort of gross.

Gross because Bill proceeds to feed off the old lady
(something we, mercifully, don’t actually have to see), in order to heal
himself. Bleh. I wonder what old lady blood tastes like to vamps? Mothballs and
ribbon candy? The early-bird plate at Denny’s?

After she wakes up, he glamors her to forget the whole
thing, thanks her for her hospitality, and hightails it out. I sort of imagine
this happening with me and Eric, only it’s not my blood he’s after and he only
glamors me to believe I’m twenty-two and that I wore him out.

Meanwhile, Pam,
following Eric’s orders,
goes to check on Sookie. While Pam’s with Sookie,
she starts shivering in this weird way, which it turns out is Eric trying to
contact her. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you … vampire texting. Which
apparently is always set to vibrate. Who knew there was an app for that?

This gives Sookie an idea. If makers and their minions can
be in psychic contact this way, maybe Jessica can connect with Bill.

So Sookie goes to
Bill’s house and grabs Jessica
. After some minor interrogating, she finds
out that Jessica has in fact felt the shivers since Bill disappeared. She
admits that she felt a connection to Bill during these moments, plus a sense of
a specific place. So Sookie drags her outside and they go in search of this
mysterious place.

Eventually, they follow Jessica’s internal Bill-dar to the
site of the crashed car. Inside, they find the body of one of the goons, and
Sookie notices a strange mark on him as if he’d been branded. Jessica does a
quick iPhone rune-brands search (who knew? there’s apparently an app for that,
too), and identifies the tattoo as having something to do with “Operation

Cut to Bill in the
Surrounded by a circle of menacing wolves. End of episode!

Overall, I thought this was only a so-so episode in terms of
plotting. Not all that much happened; it seemed to be more concerned with
reminding us about what was going on with all the characters and setting up
future storylines. However, the writing itself was outstanding. There were so
many smart, funny lines, that I was hugely entertained.

I am totally eager and ready for more. Bring on those
werewolves! And some man-on-man action that’s not a dream sequence.

Proud to be joining the cast of Real Housewives of New York. Tagline: "When it comes to my TV viewing, I don't believe in guilty pleasures. It's all pleasure."