“True Blood” Episode 406 Recap: An Officer and a Panther-Man

This week’s episode is positively

like in all those Shakespeare comedies, everybody winds up wandering around the
woods, acting all confused and silly and lusty, before several of them couple
off. Sure Shakespeare typically ends with everybody married off, while this ends with certain couples getting off, but it basically amounts to
the same thing.

that’s missing is a snarky fairy to observe all the action and declare,
“What fools these mortals (and vampires) be.” Wait, what am I saying?
There is a snarky fairy around who is
totally prepared to make just those sorts of observations … me.

these storylines be …


Eric and Sookie bring their groping session into
the house, tearing off each other’s clothes as he lays her on the couch and
proceeds to take the Downtown Express: destination Crotchland. Amnesiac Eric
has clearly forgotten that the only thing the old Eric cared about when it came
to sex was taking care of himself.

Eric’s face directly in Sookie’s happy-place as she begins to moan, Bill naturally comes barging in. Goodness,
this is awkward.

snarls, and Eric says, “Mg erish mmsh freeemunigggg!!!” Bill’s all,
“What???” so Eric lifts his head up and says, “Can’t you see I’m
in the middle of something?!!”

and Eric come to blows, but Eric being the older, stronger vamp overpowers him
and gets ready to stake him. Sookie puts a stop to it. When Eric asks who the
fangy asshat is, she responds, “He’s your king.” So Eric gets all
meek and subject-y, falling to his knees in front of Bill. And Sookie’s all,
“Um, could you maybe finish me off before getting started on him? [Sigh.] Men are the worst.”

Bill’s goons drag Eric into his mansion and
proceed to put him in silver chains. Sookie points out this is cruel and
unnecessary, since Eric is being a total wet blanket now and basically cowing
to whatever Bill demands of him.

insists that Eric is a danger to himself and other vampires. But Sookie is
having none of it, rightfully sensing it’s much more personal, and she and Bill
FINALLY have the bitter, mean-spirited post-break-up fight we’ve all been dying
for. I love every second of it.

remarks that Bill had his fangs “and who knows what else” inside
every hot girl in town, but the second she moves on, his response is to put the
guy in his own personal dungeon. Then she tries to pull the old, “If you
ever loved me, you won’t hurt him” line that usually works, but this time
Bill ain’t buying. He orders Eric put into custody and tells his goons that if
Sookie ever shows up on his property she’s to be arrested.

Eric is placed in a cell in the basement. He
gives the air a sniff and then makes a face like he’s inside the bathroom of an
old age home on burrito night.

like death in here,” he says.

me!” comes a wail from behind him. It’s Pam, and she removes this blanket that’s covering her to reveal her
freshly rotted face. Actually, she looked much worse last week when hunks of
flesh were falling off. But now that she’s mostly skull she’s got a sort of
anime look about her. You could put her picture on cute little purses and
pencil cases and sell them all over Japan.

says they’ve got to break out and fight, but goody-goody Eric is aghast, all,
“That’s treason!” So Pam pulls a Moonstruck,
slapping him with a, “Snap out of it!”

tells Eric that he is a “Viking vampire god” (so true!) and Bill is
just a “dork” (so true!) who they hate. She reminds Eric how she and
he travelled for a hundred years together, “killin’ and f*ckin’ and
laughin'” – which sounds remarkably similar to my post-college backpacking
jaunt through Europe (if you swap out
“killin'” and “f*ckin'” with “battlin’ food
poison” and “pickin’ up a nasty rash”).

says they’ve got to get Eric’s memory back, but Eric says he doesn’t want to.
From what he hears about his old self, he doesn’t like the guy and doesn’t want
to go back to being him. In other words, this entire season has become the
movie Regarding Henry.

Meanwhile, up in his office, Bill Skypes
with Nan Flanagan.
I like
Nan, but it seems like every conversation with
her is always something along the lines of, “Hey, watch me make a cavalier
reference to something horrifically violent and follow it with an ironic
reference to tolerance, image control, or equality.”

tells her he’s got the necromancing witch in custody for observation, and also
Eric Northman. He argues that if Eric is controlled by the witches he could be
a dangerous weapon in their hands, and he requests permission from the
Authority to put him to death. Nan says she’ll
start the paperwork and get back to him. Wow, King Bill is a real bastard!

The next night, Bill and his goons escort

to the lawn and set him up for a nice moonlight execution. Vampire Authority
bureaucracy must move remarkably fast, given Bill only just asked for the
warrant the day before. Maybe we can get them on this debt ceiling thing.

Eric is
still playing up the whole “what a good boy am I” shtick for all its
worth, saying he won’t fight his sentence. But he asks for a few requests: one,
that Bill release Pam, since she’s rotted away so much and doesn’t pose a real
danger. And two, to tell Sookie that he appreciates all she did for him, that
at least he’ll die knowing that he was able to love someone.

At this
point, this is all so maudlin that I’m kind of hoping they’ll just stake him
already. Bill must feel the same way because he grabs a stake and gets ready to
do the deed.

Eric says that he knows Sookie still cares for Bill and he hopes that after
he’s gone those two crazy kids can find a way to make it work. Dumbfounded,
Bill wonders why in the world he’d want that, and Eric says, “She deserves
happiness with whoever can give it to her.” Cue violins, puppies,
rainbows, and me barfing.

Later on, Sookie is wandering around the
looking for Jason
(more on that in a minute – let’s just say that Sookie spends much of this
episode visiting other storylines). She hears some rustling and thinks it’s
something wicked this way come.

she sees that it’s actually Eric, born free from his death sentence. So
apparently even if Bill is now a bastard, he’s still enough of a sap to buy
into Eric’s “just let her love me” plea and released him.

and Sookie run to each other, embrace, and resume the nookie. After a short
glimpse of solitary King Bill wallowing in loneliness on his porch, we see Eric
and Sookie naked, making beautiful love together outside, on the mossy ground,
in the moonlit bayou. I guess it’s supposed to be romantic and all, but all I
could think about was getting bug bites in places you really don’t want to be

throughout this whole sequence, there’s this gorgeous Neko Case song playing, “I Wish I Was the Moon,” that I
kept thinking would make a beautiful wedding song because, BTW, I got married
last Sunday on the first day of marriage-equality in NY. (I was hoping I’d find
a slick way to stick this into a recap, and I think I pulled it off … eh,
probably not, but who cares? Just send gifts).

WTF Rating: 2. Here’s
a theory: what if Eric actually does have his memory back and has in fact been
playing at this lost, soulful goody-two-shoes bit to screw Sookie and screw
with Bill?


So Jesus and Lafayette are still down in
doing what everybody does on Mexican vacations – getting
too much sun, drinking too much tequila, and living in deathly fear of unwashed

they’re sitting down to a nice meal with Pop
Pop Brujo
and his way-too-young-for-him pregnant wife. Something is put on
a plate in front of him and Lafayette
says, “Goat tongue … for breakfast.” Oh Lafayette, if you knew what part of the goat
that really was you’d be begging for the tongue.

Pop Pop
Brujo and Jesus talk in subtitles (which is totally rude), and Pop Pop Brujo
basically says Jesus is a wimp for coming cowering back for help after all this
time away. He says Jesus should bring him a sacrifice and he’ll think about
offering his aid.

So Jesus and Lafayette go outside and
try to drum up a decent blood sacrifice. Lafayette
remarks they’ve let a bunch of bunnies and mice and other cute, tame critters
go, why not just get it over with and pick one of them. Jesus responds that
they’ve got to wait for a willing volunteer.

wonders why they’re doing all this for a guy Jesus hates who is probably full
of crap to boot. Jesus says that if there’s any chance it will help him keep Lafayette safe he’s
willing to risk it. Awwww. Then he reaches down and grabs a rattlesnake. Yeesh!
Why did it have to be snakes?

Inside the house, Jesus gives Pop Pop Brujo
the snake.
Pop Pop cuts himself saying that the Bon Temps
witch is doing this sort of blood-letting too. Jesus says he never saw Marnie messing with those sort of dark
powers, and besides, she’s not their problem, the vampires are.

Pop Pop
cackles that Jesus doesn’t know what his problem really is. Then his face
morphs into this freaky death-mask sort of thing as he pokes Jesus’ face with
the snake, which promptly bites him. Worst. Grandpa. Ever.

Pop Pop
hightails it out of the room, telling Lafayette
he should “protect” Jesus. Lafayette
wonders what he’s supposed to do, as he embraces and tries to comfort Jesus in
the midst of some serious venom poisoning. Then Lafayette has a sort of a
vision of another guy, presumably a dead relative of Jesus’ named Tio Luca, whose spirit enters
Lafayette, as men typically do, though his mouth.

Lafayette is
fluent in Spanish, so we know he’s been possessed. And his possessed self
somehow manages to cure Jesus.

WTF Rating: 3. Pop
Pop Brujo really creeps me out. But I love that Jesus and Lafayette are getting
magical witchy powers. How many weeks ’til they’ve gone full on Dark Willow?



Arlene and Terry are lying around in bed when
Arlene takes a sniff and says, “Hey, something’s flaming!” Terry
tells her, “No worries. It’s just that guy who recaps us.” But Arlene
sits up in bed, observing that da roof is on fire.

house is well on its way to being a model home in the fiery pits of hell. Terry
goes to help the big kids escape, while Arlene searches for adorable baby Mikey … to no avail. The cute little
tyke is nowhere to be found, so Terry drags Arlene outside just as da roof, on
fire, collapses.

screams, wailing that Mikey was inside. Then her older kids are like, “Um,
actually, he’s right here. We found him when we got outside. And hey, look,
he’s clutching Chuckie! Isn’t that

wonders how Mikey could have gotten out all by himself, but Arlene just
embraces him. Over her shoulder, Mikey spies a mysterious woman in old-timey
dress off in the distance. The ghostly woman smiles at him and waves, and he
smiles back. But when Arlene turns around, there’s no one there.

WTF Rating: 5. I have
no clue what’s going on with this storyline or where any of this is going, do



Dealing with the fiery wreckage of his
rental homes
– Arlene was his tenant, as was Holly whose house is also damaged – Sam calls Tommy to ask him to open Merlotte’s for him.

Tommy is all mopey, either because of the whole patricide thing or because he
forgot to record Glee. So after he
hangs up with Sam, he looks in the mirror, doesn’t like what he sees, then
starts pounding away on his own head. When he removes his hands, he sees Sam’s
face staring back.

At first
I thought this was a total artsy symbolic shot meant to show us Tommy’s
declining mental state. But it quickly becomes clear he’s actually gone ahead
and shifted into Sam. That means we get to see Sam Trammell doing the bit where he has to adopt another actor’s
movements, like Helena Bonham Carter
doing Hermione doing the Bellatrix thing. He’s pretty good at it

Tommy as Sammy – Tammy, if you will –
proceeds to act
just like you’d expect Tommy to, which is be a
total dick.

Sookie comes in and apologizes for being late. So he out and out fires her,
pointing out that she’s always late and even when she’s there she sucks – to
the delight, I’m sure, of many of you who are, like Tommy, committed

Later on, Tammy receives a visit from Luna, who
throws herself at him, thinking it’s Sam. Tammy half-heartedly resists, with
all the enthusiasm of Willy Wonka
trying to caution Augustus Gloop
away from the chocolate river. “Wait … no … stop … eh, go right
ahead.” Then Luna takes her shirt off and they’re real and they’re
spectacular. And that’s all she wrote … Tammy is in it to win it.

Post-nookie, they lie in bed and Luna
that it was different than she was expecting, I’m guessing
because the less-experienced Tommy turned it into a sort of lightning round for
himself. Plus wouldn’t you think with all her shifter powers that Luna would
notice Sam smelled more white trashy and pimply than usual? But Luna just says
it felt like making love with a stranger, but in a fun, exciting kind of way.

tells her it’s been fun but now it’s time for her to get the eff out, although
maybe she could whip him up a quick breakfast on the way out. She thinks he’s
joking, but when it becomes clear he’s not, she leaves in a snit with an
“FU … you’re the worst!” And Tammy cries out after her, “Call

Then he
falls to the ground and Voila! He’s
back to being twerpy Tommy. Then he barfs.

on, Sam rushes in to find him unconscious and can’t seem to revive him.

WTF Rating: 3. What
Tommy does to Luna here is yet another disturbing sexual violation on this show
– and I really wish they’d lay off those for a while. Also, I want to go on
record as saying I officially hate
all doppelganger storylines, probably dating back to when The Bionic Woman and Dynasty
pulled similar stunts that lasted for what felt like entire seasons. It’s just
agony to me watching someone’s double mess with a characters’ life, and it
always takes forever for anybody to figure it out.


After Sookie is kicked out of Bill’s house after
he’d taken Eric prisoner, she goes in search of Jason to help her out.

She enters Jason’s house and
can hear him in the bedroom. Sounding panicked, Jason shouts out that she
should NOT COME IN under any circumstances whatsoever. Obviously he’s doing
something in there that he’s totally ashamed of, like playing with Jason Jr.,
or taking a dump, or reading a book.

opens the door and – neither to her surprise, nor yours nor mine – finds him
handcuffed to the bed. She figures it’s another sex thing with him, but he
snipes back that he’s scared he’s going to turn into a werepanther with that
night’s full moon.

snickers over this, but Jason is deadly serious, explaining how his
“psycho ex-girlfriend” and her freaky kin tried to change him and he
thinks it worked. She assures him that she’ll help him through it. She also
points out something I was going to snark about – that if Jason does shift, the
panther paws will just slip through the cuffs. Although maybe panthers have
freakishly fat wrists? I’ll have to check that out next time I’m at the zoo.

Sookie’s way of helping Jason is getting
him outside
and loaded on beers – because who wouldn’t want
to be in the close proximity of a violent, terrified, superstrong supernatural
animal that’s also lost all impulse control.

tells Sookie that if he changes she should just shoot him, and she’s all,
“Not gonna do it.” He wonders what she thought helping him meant,
“Changing my kitty litter?” Heh. (There are tons of Jason is a pussy
jokes like that this episode and they’re all a riot.)

gives him this after-school special, PSA, “It Gets Better” pep talk,
about how her own powers taught her that none of us is really normal, that we
all have something that makes us special. “Like me and sex and
shooting,” Jason asks. I’d say that and your abs. Don’t forget those abs.
They’re truly paranormal.

advises that Jason find a way to embrace whatever it is that makes him
different. Then she excuses herself to get another beer for him, but when she
comes out, he’s gone. So she takes off into the moonlit woods looking for him.
And promptly runs into …

Alcide and Debbie!

You see, earlier in the day, Alcide had
come home
to hear Debbie recite three little words that would
typically be innocent but in her mouth become distressing signifiers of
impending misery: “You’re home early,” she says.

By her
side is that skeevy (but hot-skeevy) werewolf pack leader, Marcus, who Alcide got into that alpha-dog pissing contest with
last week. Marcus says that Debbie told him all about the trouble Alcide had
with his last pack (addicted to V, in thrall to a corrupt vampire king, etc.)
and that he understands why Alcide would be so suspicious of joining another
pack. But he says he’d love to have a big, strong bearish were like Alcide on
his team.

After he’s gone, Alcide chastises Debbie for
her so-called “rigorous honesty.” She defends herself by saying she
needs a community, that it’s good for her sobriety. I’m not sure he really buys
this, but he agrees to go with her to shift with the pack under the full moon …

… which
is what they’re on their way to do when they run into Sookie.

As long
as they’re there, Sookie figures they can give her a little lesson in Shifting
101. She wonders if biting someone could change them into a shifter. They deny
it, saying shifting is a condition, not a virus – and it’s hereditary.

Meanwhile, Jason is wandering the moonlit
woods himself.
He hears some rustling in the distance and
cries out, “Stop! I’m an officer and a werepanther!” Out comes Jessica, who explains that she sensed
Jason’s fear on account of his having had her blood. “It’s like you’ve got
a little bit of me inside you,” she says, and Jason’s all, “Um,
usually I like being the one doing the inserting.”

figures out he’s afraid of becoming a werepanther – as he so clearly bellowed
out to the entire forest – and offers to help him through. She recalls how
afraid she was her first night as a vampire. When Jason asks if she has any
regrets about it, she says it’s not easy being a vamp but she’d never go back.

starts complaining that his heart is racing, and she talks him down by telling
him to focus on something that makes him happy, which in this case is a clear
and shameless close-up shot of her boobs. After he’s settled down, she says she
had experience with panic attacks from dealing with her mom. And panic attacks
are all that’s really going on with Jason, nothing supernatural.

By now,
Jason realizes he’s not going to change, griping that the idiots in Hot Shot
were too stupid to even get that right. (h/t to AfterElton.com reader Alessar, who speculated about this
weeks ago).

points out that he sounds sort of disappointed, and he admits that part of him
was always jealous of Sookie for being the special one. “But you’re
special,” Jessica says, as the two of them start making serious bedroom
eyes at each other and emitting overpowering pheromones.

Jason jumps up and says he’s got to be off, and that she should give regards to
Hoyt, his best friend. She suggests
they not mention any of this to Hoyt, and he agrees, walking off while Jessica
sits around NOT thinking about Hoyt and instead staring at Jason’s butt.

WTF Rating: 2. You
mean to tell me we all endured a year and a half of that Hot Shot crap and
Jason’s not even going to wind up a werepanther? Boooo! And yet I’m kind of
liking the Jessica-Jason vibe here, if only because it’s getting memories of Crystal
out of both our heads. And is there ay chance a heartbroken Hoyt will find his
way to someone else recently jilted and lonely … say, Bill?




WTF Rating: 0. See



Alone in her cell in Bill’s basement,
Marnie passes time
by picking at a particularly nasty cuticle and
USING IT TO GOUGE BLOODY GASHES IN HER ARM. Gross. Then she takes the blood and
rubs it into her palm, muttering about calling on the spirits to give her
strength and/or come save her. This induces a flashback …

As you were expecting, it’s the Spanish
Marnie sees inside a cell, where the
dark-haired witch Antonia is being
fed on by Churchy Asshats. One of them tells his buddy, Luis (who we recognize as one of Bill’s sheriffs from last week) that
fear makes the blood tastier. So Luis starts raping Antonia – and seriously,
TB, enough with this already.

Then we cut to flashbacks illustrating
we already heard about, which as a recapper I appreciate
tremendously since it means less work for me. We see all the witch backstory
stuff … Antonia at the stake … cursing … Churchy Asshat vampires under her
control and emerging into the daylight, etc.

Back in the present, Marnie opens her eyes. We
know something hinky’s going on because the winds of impending witchcraft have
started blowing through the cell. Then she hears a voice calling her name. And
there’s Antonia standing inside the cell with her. Yikes! Then Antonia’s spirit
enters Marnie’s body, a la Lafayette and Tio Luca. When Marnie opens her eyes,
she’s got the dark-eyed, pissed-off Antonia look.

glares up at the security camera. On the other end – what are the chances? – is
none other than Luis. He gets sort of freaked out that Marnie is staring up at
him like that. So he decides to get all macho about it and goes down into her

inside, he recognizes that it’s actually Antonia who he’s dealing with. He
bares his fangs and says he’s going to make sure that this time she screams.
But Marnie as Antonia – Mantonia – just lifts up her hand and suddenly she’s
controlling him like a muppet. She points down, and down he goes, fangless and
on his knees before her. “You little f**k,” she says.

WTF Rating: 3. No
real surprises here – we all knew that at some point Marnie would fully become
Antonia. The question is what will happen next. At this point, our sympathies
are so stacked in favor of the witches over the vampires, it will be
interesting to see if that shifts at all now that Mantonia is so powerful.


Tara is lounging around Lafayette’s house doing
what she always does – sulking – when there’s a knock at the door and a voice
calling, “I’m looking for Tara Thornton.” It’s Naomi, here in Bon Temps at last! Yay!

not really explained how she knew to go looking at Lafayette’s. I’m guessing it’s something
boring and practical, like the address was on Tara’s
mail that Naomi had found. But I’m hoping for something more sexy and
interesting, like Naomi is also a shifter and found Tara
by following her smell. (BTW, if you want to know what Tara
smells like – she smells like sass, self-pity, and scotch.)

Tara opens
the door and tells Naomi it’s a long story. Naomi responds that she’d better
start telling it. So Tara launches into the
biggest self-pity party since People magazine’s last interview with Jennifer Aniston. Blah blah blah poor
me, my life sucked, this town sucked, so I fled and reinvented myself but
please love me.

listens then gets up to leave, saying she hopes she provided a nice vacation
for Toni from Tara. Tara
says she knows Naomi didn’t come all that way just to tell her to f**k herself.
Naomi admits that’s true, saying she’d also like to kick her ass, as she pushes
her to the ground and straddles her in a position that’s not exactly conducive
to ass-kicking.

she leans down and kisses her. Tara kisses back, and they start really getting
into it, but of course we don’t get to see Naomi do to Tara
what Eric was so enthusiastically doing to Sookie at the beginning of the episode.
You want to see that sort of thing, you have to watch Game of Thrones.

Later on, the two of them have this
adorable little date at Merlotte’s.
Outside the bar, Naomi says
she think she’ll like Tara even better than
Toni and is looking forward to getting to know her. They kiss again. And are
interrupted by none other than Pam. My friends, I present The L Word: Bon Temps Edition.

Eric had convinced Bill to release Pam, who appears far more dangerous than
Eric had let on. Tara begs Naomi to run, but
Naomi stays put. Pam snarks, “Girls, no need to squabble. There’s plenty
of me to go around.” Then she bares her fangs and rushes toward them.

WTF Rating: 4. Please
don’t tell me they finally got Naomi and Tara together only to kill Naomi off!
On the other hand, if there’s a way for this to somehow lead to Naomi and/or
Tara drinking from Pam – and getting in on some of those same-sex post-sucking
sex-dreams we’ve seen with the men – them I’m all for it. We haven’t seen Pam
have sex in ages and she’s due.

Proud to be joining the cast of Real Housewives of New York. Tagline: "When it comes to my TV viewing, I don't believe in guilty pleasures. It's all pleasure."