“True Blood” Recap: “Time and Tequila”

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Another relatively fun episode of True Blood has me wondering if they might pull this last season off after all. Nearly everything that was important at the start of the season – the Hep Vamps, the human vigilantes, the light-bending power of Alcide’s pelvic v – has been disposed of, and tonight’s party-centric episode almost felt like a celebration of clearing out all the show’s junk. (Well, except for Alcide, but we’ll get to him later.)

Let’s dig in!

Willa (Amelia Rose Blaire) has another temper tantrum (is she hangry?) because she misses Tara and thinks Pam (Kristin Bauer Van Straten) and Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) were shitty parents. Eric sits on his throne and admits to being a poor pappy, and agrees to release Willa if she gives him the intel she apparently has on Sarah Newlin and her vampire sister. Um… okay. Pam commiserates with Willa about being released – “It’s like being kicked in the cooch by a wallaby.” And Sarah’s sister is named Amber Mills, which sounds to me like a store-brand granola.

Ginger (Tara Buck) doesn’t want Eric to leave and demands that they at least let her go with them: “Do you know what a sex slave is without the sex?” OMG give this woman every award on the market. She demands that Eric ball her then and there, and when he says that he’s diseased, she gleefully exclaims that she is, too. We cut to guards literally pouring a screaming ginger off of Eric’s travel coffin as it’s loaded into a van. She shrieks to raise the undead. My life is complete.

OPENING TITLES

Sookie (Anna Paquin) comes home to a clean, empty house that probably has 200% less dog hair than it did a few days ago. (What, too soon?) Also, does she always leave the lights on for days on end? Her electric bill must be through the roof! She sees Alcide’s jacket on the arm of the sofa and starts to get weepy, but then Lala (Nelsan Ellis) and James (Nathan Parsons) emerge from… where, exactly?… to tell her that they are so sorry and they are there to take care of her. Awww! I like these two. “The house is so empty…”

The next night, she sees Jackson (Robert Patrick) loading all of Alcide’s stuff into a truck – he says that going through belongings is the hardest part of saying goodbye to someone, so he’s gonna hold on to all of Alcide’s stuff until Sookie is ready to go through it. That’s nice, I guess? Also, Lala and James are throwing a party at Sookie’s house to cheer her up, and the entire town will be there in 30 seconds. Sookie thinks this is a terrible idea, but Lala talks her into it, because celebrating life and all that. Beel (Stephen Moyer) is, of course, the first to arrive. Even Sookie mutters, “Oh, this is not happening….”

Eric and Pam visit Amber, and Pam immediately searches the house for Sarah, who is not there. Turns out Amber was a fangbanger who fell in love with a vamp who turned her and then died from Hep V, which she also now has. It’s kinda sad. And her bitch sister paid her off to keep quiet about being a vampire, but she’s now back in Dallas, and probably gonna hit up her folks at some Ted Cruz fundraiser, and she’ll help them find Sarah if they promise to kill her. Pam says of Amber: “I really like her.” Eric is convinced that he and Pam can infiltrate the GOP party, because “We can be assholes.”

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Over at the Reverend’s (Gregg Daniel) house, he tells Lettie Mae (Adina Porter) that she can’t go to the party at Sookie’s because there will be both alcohol and vampires there. She wants to honor Tara, probably by tripping balls on V. So she doses his spaghetti sauce with Benadryl – shades of American Horror Story: Coven – and sneaks off to the par-tay.

The party, let it be said, is jumping. Jane Bodehouse says that she’s going to turn over a new leaf… tomorrow. Atta girl! Beel takes the opportunity to flash back to the olde tymes. Okay, seriously? I’ve seen episodes of Drunk History that are more convincing than these GD flashbacks. Anyway, Beel was apparently vocally against the Civil War and Jane’s ancestors owned the saloon and some rich dude who looked like George Clooney and Luke Duke had a baby wasn’t happy about it. And there’s a handsome black man named Linus Minus that I’m sure is due to die any second.

Back in the present, Violet (Karolina Wydra) hugs Sookie and tells her that she’s had hundreds of boyfriends die, so no bigs. Ugh. I really can’t stand her. In the kitchen, Jackson reminisces about Alcide, and thank God for that – the guy really deserved a bit more than the backhanded exit he was given. They all raise a glass to Alcide, even though it’s all kind of about Sookie in the end. Lettie Mae shows up and Lala tries to drag her away, but Sookie invites her to say a few words for Tara and she does, and toasts her with a ginger ale. Well done, lady.

Andy (Chris Bauer) finds Jess (Deborah Ann Woll) outside, still keeping watch, and he tells her that she’s actually making his grief over his daughters worse by dragging it out like this. Fair point! He tells her, “Life is too short,” and reveals that he wants to propose to Holly but he needs a ring. Hers are all Hot Topic garbage so she whisks him upstairs to Sookie’s room, where Sook offers him Gran’s ring, that Jason (Ryan Kwanten) was supposed to get but now he’s a vampire’s bitchboy so no need. Oh – again, please kill Violet.

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On the way downstairs, Jason advises Wade and Adilyn to “stop fuckin'” because their parents are about to get hitched, which is kind of hilarious. Andy approaches Holly (Lauren Bowles) and proposes, and I will admit, I cry real man-tears. It is very sweet. Sookie glances at Beel and looks constipated, and Wade and Adilyn aren’t quite sure what to say. It’s… awkward.

James wants to ball Jess, but she blows him off. Okay.

Arlene (Carrie Preston) comforts Sookie upstairs, talking about Terry’s death and how she’d put on his jacket sometimes to feel like his arms were around her. She adds that tequila helps. Jackson overhears this.

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Outside, Lala and James sit on the porch swing and James reveals that yes, he was banging his male best friend back in high school before he got turned. It’s actually a nice little scene, and you get the sense that there’s something real going on between them beyond just attraction. They kiss. Atta girls!

In the Hotel Camilla, Eric and Pam get dressed for their political party. Pam enthuses, “I’m a Republicunt!” Nice. But not so nice: Eric is in Stage 2 of the Hep V. Pam cries.

Sookie and Arlene do shots (I have to come up with an “Atta girl!” keyboard shortcut, at this point…) and Keith (Riley Smith) shows up – the vamp that saved Arlene and who is now obsessed with her, apparently. Sookie pushes him back and Arlene begs off, insisting, “I have to go make tinkle.”

Jess goes outside to find James, and she does find him… getting balled by Lala in their SUV. She runs inside and has James disinvited (though isn’t it Sookie’s house, not Jason’s? Or Eric’s, even?) and she tells Jason upstairs that she thinks James is “confused.” What, confused about whether he wants to get his kitty punched standing up or lying down? Lala barges in and READS “Miss Ma’am” – he says that Jess is shutting James out anyway and everyone else on this crazy show gets to sleep with whoever the hell they want, and he’s not exempt from needing love like everyone else, and Jess seems to kind of accept that. He tells her, “If you don’t love him, let him go, and I’ll take it from here.” CHURCH.

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Willa shows up, and Sookie is wasted. LOVE IT.

Beel flashes back again… ugh. Minus gets shot right on schedule while trying to sneak all the other people away, and shitty George Clooney pulled the trigger. Can we get back to the party? Beel burns a map or something. And his baby was fat!

Sook drunk-walks out to talk to Beel. She hugs him and their love theme swells, and then she goes back inside.

Lettie Mae stabs Willa, because Lettie Mae. But Willa is fine, Sam (Sam Trammell) talks the vampires in the room down, and Lala swoops Lettie away. And then a miracle happens: Nicole (Jurnee Smollet) speaks! The former activist turned mute plot device points out that this whole party is ridiculous and everyone in this town is cuckoobananas. Sam takes her home, and Violet provides a vampire escort for no reason other than to give Jason and Jess more time together.

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Upstairs, Jason confides to Jess that Violet is “off” (YATHINK?) and they kiss. Of course.

At the Bush Ball, Eric’s hat is MASSIVE. Please tell me Ginger is hiding under it. And he’s wearing a bolo!! Sarah (Anna Camp) ambushes her mother in the ladies’ and tells her that she’s in trouble. Her mom replies, “Well no shit, baby girl.” Sarah says that the Yakuza are after her, reminding us that just when you think this show can’t get any more ridiculous, it does.

Jason and Jess bang, and Violet hears it. Whatever.

The Yakuza show up at the ball and shoot everyone, including Sarah’s parents. Sarah almost gets away but Eric grabs her by the throat, but then drops her so that he can grab the Yakuza dude who killed his French girlfriend and rip out his jaw. So these guys are not vamps?

Sookie’s house is trashed. AGAIN. I’ve been saying since Season 1 that underneath all the supernatural sexy-times, this show is really the story of a nice young Southern girl just trying, against considerable odds, to keep her kitchen clean. Thanks for proving my point yet again, show. Jackson left Alcide’s leather jacket for Sookie to wear to bed. In summer. In the South. With no air conditioning. Why not just wrap her in tin foil?

Beel bathes and flashes back again to some crap with his wife – I’m having a hard time paying attention to anything other than his terrible wig. But back in the present he gets out of the tub and shows a peek of his vampire mudflaps and then we see that Beel, too, has Hep V.

SCENE

Notably Dead: Linus, Sarah Newlin’s parents, some Republicunts, gold-toothed Yakuza guy

Notably Absent: Tara

I enjoyed this episode. It was patently ridiculous, of course – less than 24 hours ago, several of these people were being held hostage in a dungeon and probably need medical attention more than they need body-shots, and half the people in this house were just involved with the murders of several dozen people and vampires. PARTY! But still, aside from the time-sucking flashbacks, it delivered the fizzy mix of humor, romance, genuinely touching moments (Andy’s proposal, Arlene comforting Sookie) and graphic, bloody violence that made me love this show in the first place.

There was so much going on this episode (none of it important, mind you) that I’m just going to throw out a bunch of random bits now:

Jason dancing, harder and more often.

We all saw Lala and James getting together from a mile away, but I’ll admit I didn’t picture them getting together in exactly that configuration. Also, I hope they have Armor All wipes in the glove compartment.

So now Sookie overhears everyone thinking only good thoughts about her. I guess we can all call it a day?

They really, really, really need to stop with the damned flashbacks.

Laura Bush references? In 2014? Really?

Considering that nobody seems to have jobs anymore, I was very curious as to who was bankrolling that party. I guess Bellefleur’s is still closed? Whatever, more tequila!

Can we all agree that at this point this show exists mostly so that we can collectively play dress-up with Alexander Skarsgard?

I’d give it three out of five WTFs:

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Writer-filmmaker Brian Juergens launched CampBlood.org, the world's first website devoted to horror films from a gay perspective, in 2003.