I will say one thing about last night's episode of True Blood, and that is that Lafayette looked FAAAABULOUS. When did he have time to drive up to the Joyce Leslie in Shreveport to pick up that fetching top? Oh, right - pretty much anytime, since despite being a powerful witch he has absolutely nothing else to do these days except cook for everybody (yes, I realize that he is the cook, but still). Also, I love that this week's episode rating included "Mild Violence"? Ain't this a vampire show? Maybe they're referring to the fact that I kept half-heartedly lobbing items at my television throughout the episode. Let's dig in!

Bill (Stephen Moyer) won't drink Sarah's (Anna Camp) blood - Jess (Deborah Ann Woll) calls her a "c*nt" (a bit harsh for Jess, no?) but Bill still says he's choosing the True Death over drinking from her high fructose crazy-syrup ass. Sookie (Anna Paquin) slaps him - twice - and goes for a third before Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) intervenes. Jess asks Bill to release her and he does, and she starts crying. Yep - Jess is crying blood, must be Sunday! Pam (Kristin Bauer van Straten) coos, "if you cry on my jacket, you're payin' for it."

Jess and Sookie find Sam's empty trailer, which has a few envelopes in it - one addressed to Sookie. We see Sam (Sam Trammel) - a lead character for SEVEN SEASONS - move out of the show IN FLASHBACK with his preggers lady Nicole (Jurnee Bell), which is only slightly less insulting that killing him offscreen. So he's got that going for him. Wait, did he say Chicago? Never mind.

The rest of the cast is at the bar, because No Sets. Sookie tells them that Sam is gone, which is a bit of a buzzkill, but not as much of a buzzkill as Sam's other letter - to Andy (Chris Bauer) - which simply resigns from being Mayor. I guess an email would have been too impersonal?

James (Nathan Parsons) chats with Jess as Lala (Nelsan Ellis) looks on in his sassy new off-the-shoulder number, and she admits to being a shitty girlfriend and wishes them well. Glad they worked that out! She then runs out the door in the general direction of Hoytsville, Population 2.

#2 is, of course, Bridget, whose real name I refuse to look up. She is being a total harpy to Hoyt (Jim Parrack) about his not wanting kids (because for some reason the show is all about reproduction these days) and she asks about Jess, whom Hoyt says he knows not. They make up just in time for Jess to show up and spill the beans about her glamouring Hoyt - but not before Bridget can interrupt, deliver a poorly-timed ultimatum before Jess can explain the situation, and somehow get Jason (Ryan Kwanten) on the phone.

This. Is. So. Stupid. Seriously - the narrative gymnastics that just had to take place to make this storyline happen are the Mary Lou Retton of narrative horseshit. Hoyt of course picks Jess over his lady. Jess admits that she's being selfish but then she spills the beans about everything.

Back at the roadhouse, a bunch of people denounce dirty rice. What is so bad about dirty rice?! Adilyn (Bailey Chase) shows up to pick up her paycheck and have a moment of psychic chatter with Sookie before Arlene (Carrie Preston) swoops in wearing her best scarlet wrap-dress to explain to Sookie that losin' a boyfriend ain't nothin', I tell you what. Sookie joins the group at the table, which includes several vampires who are probably wishing they were anywhere but at a table covered in inedible food. Thanks, Lafayette and Big John!

Eric visits Bill, who insists, "Everything I do, I do it for Sookie." Eric actually counters, "Get over yourself, Bill." CHURCH. Bill discusses his black-hole baby "fever dream" and says that "the child was a black void!" Eric, it must be said, bears more than a passing resemblance to Macaulay Culkin in this scene. Bill asks Eric to pass a note to Sookie for him, because despite being hundreds of years old, he is still in second grade.

Hoyt punches Jason out - not because he learned anything about him and Jess, but because he's furious about being tricked into being back on this show again. Suddenly Bridget is driving... a cop car? Ugh, whatever. She says "hospital" but Jason says "my place" and she's all, "Okay, sure!" He institutes a "no sex" clause, because Operation Make Jason the Perfect Boyfriend hasn't quite finished yet.

Back in Fangtasia's cellar, the Yakuza drag Sarah upstairs to Pam for... a bleach-job?

Jason uses his fae deputy powers to charm a Delta agent into giving Bridget a decent rate on a flight back to Anchorage. Because remember, she flew here like YESTERDAY, with her BOYFRIEND, from ALASKA.

Jess makes up with Hoyt and he lets her heal his sore hand by... rubbing her blood on it? What is this, Vampire Aspercreme? Meanwhile, Jason puts frozen veggies on his crotch to keep himself from banging everything, including Bridget. The only thing wrong with this scene? That Jason would have anything other than Tombstone pizza in his freezer.

Pam needs to remove Sarah's gag, and feels that calling her "twat lips" is the best way to keep her quiet. Good God, was this written by a gay 19-year-old? Some of these insults are just tacky. Pam rhapsodizes about Mary, a hooker she once employed, and says that with her fancy blood, Sarah might be "the highest-paid trollop in history."

Jason and Bridget have a beer and he admits that "girls came easy" to him. She says it's because he's "sweet and kind" but we all know it's probably the smokin' hot body and faerie genes. He tells her the story of his friendship with Hoyt as Hoyt and Jess bang in the background. And is it just me or does Bridget kind of have a Sookie thing going on? I mean, after all these brunets Jason has dated, his true love ends up looking just like his... sister? Anything else, show? We're ready. Jason mumbles, "Hoyt and Jessica belong together," so I guess that's gospel. NEXT.

Eric comes to Sookie to tell her that Bill really likes her and asks her to circle whether she likes him or not (not just likes, but "Like" likes), and Bill wants to call her that night, if that's okay? At least they already got the Cooties part out of the way. Eric admits, "Death is scary" and flies her home.

Jason and Bridget talk in bed and he confesses, "I like pink." Or was that, "I like Pink"? Because that's kind of an important distinction. Oh - and Jason wants kids because that's all that matters to anyone on this show all of a sudden.

Eric dumps off Sookie and she invites him in but he's all, "No thanks!" Bill calls her, right on cue.

Okay, now comes the only halfway decent scene of the entire episode: Ginger (Tara Buck) and Eric finally... do it? Even if the mechanics of it were a bit off, it was glorious to behold. And all to the dulcet, coma-inducting strains of Mazzy Star. KILL ME NOW. Eric rips off Ginger's panties and they bang (?) on the throne and Ginger instantly starts orgasming on the floor, like when Jeff Goldblum touches Geena Davis's cat in Earth Girls are Easy. He mumbles, "Night, Ginger" as he walks away, but she's already asleep on the floor. ATTA GIRL TIMES INFINITY.

Why is Pam chained to a table under a heavy, hanging stake? Is this The Pam and the Pendulum? Gus is mad because Eric let people visit Sarah. Eric admits that Sookie knows about Sarah, putting her in danger just for old time's sake, and we cut to Sookie sitting at home listening to some truly awful goth music as Bill knocks on her door.

SCENE.

Wait, that's the big cliffhanger? Bill knocking on her door? But... she invited him over. He's expected. She's literally waiting for him. That's like having a cliffhanger about the UPS guy showing up between 11 and 3 when you actually scheduled a delivery window of between 11 and 3. It is the OPPOSITE of suspense.

SCENE AGAIN.

Notably Dead: Jason's primary reason for existing

Notably Absent: Tara, Lettie Mae, the Reverend, Willa (hey, remember her?!)

First, it was nice to see Deborah Ann Woll and Jim Parrack in a scene together again, because they have always been one of the show's stronger couples - until the show completely ruined them, of course. But at this point pretty much everything feels like a consolation prize. Hoyt comes back and all is forgiven because why not. Eric finally has sex with Ginger because why not. Jess gets a happy ending despite just breaking up two relationships in as many days, because why not. It's hard to write about a show where everyone involved has clearly just thrown up their hands and called it a day. Because if I throw up my hands, it's hard to type.

But hey, Pam speaking Spanglish to the yakuza was pretty funny.

One WTF: