“True Blood”: Blood Rain


Another week, another episode of True Blood with a season’s worth of storylines from Passions threatening to break my recapping wrist. Here we go…

Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) tries to keep from getting Nora Soup all over Bill’s 500-count Frette linens as Billith (Stephen Moyer) tries to explain that he had no idea she’d go all Dinty Moore on him like that. Eric, disbeliever that he is, gets upset – so Billith makes him puppet-dance all Evil Dead (or Peter Pan) in the corner. Eric has fun with it (“Mother, I can fly!”) until Billith loses patience, shits on Godric’s memory, throws him on the floor, and makes him take his vampire trucks and go home.

Ugh. Seriously – whip out your dead dicks and get this over with, fellas. Momma’s got laundry to do.


Rikki has Danielle slap Nicole and tells Alcide (Joe Manganiello) to shut up. Being the packmaster, Alcide doesn’t take too kindly to this. So Rikki challenges Alcide, with Danielle as her second and nameless Buffy the Vampire Slayer stunt double as a third. Rikki doesn’t think that Alcide has the stones to kill her, and she’s right.


Back at the Concentration Vamp, Tara (Rutina Wesley) tells Willa (Emilia Blaire Clarke) to back away from Jason (Ryan Kwanten) , or Nameless Paulina Porizkova Vamp will get all up in her bids. Sure enough, Paulina tells Jason that he is her bloodbag for life – and she means that, because she’s “Medieval Times Catholic.” As someone who just went to Medieval Times for the first time just this past month, I can vouch: THEIR GARLIC BREAD IS ETERNALLY AMAZING.

Sookie (Anna Paquin) returns to Barlow (Rob Kazinsky) – the super-powerful, dimension-jumping vampire faerie who has survived 6000 years – and ties him up again with a fake vine from the Party City luau collection. She gives him more blood and he asks her to marry him again, because he’s been waiting forever for her. She asks him to do a favor for her or all her friends are gonna die but he cries, ’I DON’T WANNA WAIT!” … for your liiiiiives to be over? Too late. Eric overhears and locates Barlow with his Undead Douchebag sensors.

Jess (Deborah Ann Woll): “It was a good lay, good lay! It was a good lay, good lay.”

James (Luke Grimes): Uh-huh.


Jess runs into Pam (Kristen Bauer van Straten) in the hallway, fresh from boinking the shrink: “Oozy, but productive.” Sounds like my twenties.

Sam (Sam Trammell) comes home and clears away Terry’s stuff, including his little armadillo keychain. He is visited by Alcide, who has returned Nicole and her mama: “My pack days are behind me.” You know, I used to be two packs a day, and I can feel you, bro. Sam responds, “there’s beer, and it’s cold.” The simplicity of this dialog is downright Germanic. Inside, Sam tells Nicole’s mama to sleep in his bed, and Nicole (Jurnee Bollett-Smith) can sleep on the couch and he can sleep in the tub or something. Why can’t Nicole and her mama share his bed? Oh – because he wants to talk to her. Ah. She tells him, “My nerves are fried” so Sam sniffs her hair, appropriately thinking he can smell fried nerves. But does he smell something else in there….?!

At the Concentration Vamp, they pass out the infected Tru Blood. Steve Newlin (Michael McMillan) sits with James, and out of pity, James warns him not to drink it.

Back at Chez Stackhouse, Sookie breaks out the Southern Comfort all by her own damned self as she listens to Jason’s pre-incognito voicemail. Atta girl!

Alcide, meanwhile, breaks into Sam’s rye and drinks alone at the bar. (Atta girl!) Sam joins him, and Alcide tells him he could smell Sam on Nicole. Wait, what? Like, is he her dad or some sick shit?!


Back on Orange is the New Vamp, Paulina Violet feeds off of Jason in a morgue drawer, and Pam is too scared to interrupt. I’m not making this shit up. Jason asks, “Do me a favor, don’t rape me.” Considering he was gang-raped by an entire town of inbred hillpanthers a few seasons ago, that’s a pretty effed up yet completely legit request. Seriously, who is this woman?

Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) makes breakfast for Arlene (Carrie Preston) – having a rough morning after yesterday’s mid-afternoon bender, mindya  – but they’re cool. He tells her about her slammin’ insurance policy. Adelind overhears her grief, and Arlene calls her on evesdropping.


Sookie visits Billith to ask him to help and she tells him Barlow will only give her his blood if she lets him turn her. Billith’s fine with that, so she tells him, “F*ck you” and sissies her walk back across the graveyard to her place – “How about that, you motherf*ckin’ monster?”

Sarah Newlin (Anna Camp) – wearing Talbots’ finest white-and-fuchsia pantsuit – puts Steve on a hamster wheel to get him to confess why he won’t be a good Shelby and drink his juice. Predictably, he gives up James in 0.2 seconds. (And without a functioning UV light.) Moments later, Steve and James meet again in the “Open Your Heart” chamber. Steve’s all, “Whoopsies!”

Holly’s sons pick up Adelind to go out drinking. No idea where this is going.

Nicole’s mom asks Sam, “May I ask how old you are, silver fox?” Funny you should mention that – if he wanted to turn into an ACTUAL SILVER FOX, he could. Sookie shows up to talk and she wastes no time showing him her balls and telling him that she always thought that they would end up together and he rather amazingly yells, “YOUR TIMING COULD NOT BE WORSE.” Nicole is pregnant, and both he and Alcide could smell it on her. Note to self: Forget peeing on a stick; just find a werewolf.

At the funeral home, the Bellefleurs meet with “Mr. Jenkins” (a nice Six Feet Under reference) and Arlene isn’t feeling the plans for Terry’s funeral. Several things: First, poor Lady Caroline B has been replaced. Has Katherine Hellman moved on? Why did they recast her?! And yes, Portia is back, and she’s not taking any shit from white trash spouses of her dead cousin-brother. Arlene barges out at the thought of a 21-gun salute to a man who was SHOT TO DEATH (not bad, lady): “You’re burying a lie.” She’s upset that Terry left them on purpose, and she wants carnations – ’cause they’re happy! – and the pastor from “the black church,” because that’s who Terry would have wanted.

Meanwhile, Sookie visits her dead parents’ graves, telling them that “death is just a pitstop” and other crap from some goth album that I’ve never heard of. She closes with: “So f*ck you, mom and dad – I’d rather walk the earth as a corpse than have to spend another minute thinking about you.” Aaaaand thank you for your time, In Treatment will be back next season.


Okay – so seriously, the scene that is about to follow is FROM ANOTHER SHOW ENTIRELY. Miss Suzuki (Tamlyn Tomita) arrives, pissed to find that her product is being compromised and demanding to see the Guv’na. Of course, Sarah Newlin is the best they have to offer – so she meets her at the Star Trek sliding doors to the Concentration Vamp. Sarah gives her some crap line about ladies having to stick together against the manfolk, and Suzuki kicks her right in the babymaker. It’s kind of amazing. Sarah tries to kill her by snapping her neck after she sees the Hep V tinctures, but she’s not strong enough – instead, poor Suzuki sees two gay vamps having super-speed sex in the window? Whaaaah? Even the lady doctor looking out seems confused. Sarah chases her to the catwalk above the male GenPop, and her heel gets stuck in the grate and Sarah smashes her face into it until she rains blood all over the menfolk, and then Sarah breaks off Suzuki’s heel and stabs her in the head with it, squealing, “Thank you, Jesus!”

Really? What season is this? Because… really. That’s some serious Season 2 business they just pulled there. And yes, she killed her with her own high heel. I’m not even going to get into how backhandedly sexist the whole setup is.

Adelind is hanging out with Holly’s boys in the graveyard when Eric intervenes. He glamours the boys and sends her running – and then catches and bites her.

Sookie puts her face – and her bobby-pin – on.

Oh – Jason’s new lady is named Violet Mazursky. Write that down.


Pam, Tara, Jess, and Willa get marched into the “Open Your Heart” room with Steve and James: “We’re all gonna meet the sun in here!”

Andy (Chris Bauer) picks Adelind up by the side of the road. When it comes to parenting, he shouldn’t quit his day job. Actually, same goes for his being a cop.

Sookie tells Billith, “Destiny’s too big a bitch to keep fightin'” and she zooms him off to the chandelier graveyard… only to find that Barlow’s throat has been slit. But wait, is he dead? What? Billith hisses, “Eric…” So Eric used Andy’s halfsie kid to access Chandelier Cemetery and he stole Barlow’s blood so he can save half of the cast because Billith was too busy putting ice on his nipples? I’m okay with that.


Notably Dead: Barlow, except no way. Miss Suzuki.

Notably Absent: I think pretty much all 2,476 characters made at least an appearance, except for meemaw Martha, but I think her story is pretty much over? Oh, and Lilith and Her Bloody Merkin Trio took a powder again this week.

Quote of the Week: Not a big week for quotes, so I will give it to Eric for his bizarre bit of community theater in the opening scene: “Mother, I can fly!”

Okay, were it not for the over-the-top murder at the end there (and let’s take note that Sarah just killed a fellow human, not a vamp – somebody call Faith!), this would have been a bit of a dud episode. I get where they are going with Sookie seriously considering giving up after six years (or six months, in the show) and letting the vamps have her, but her inner struggle was communicated mostly through F-bombs, which wasn’t exactly poignant. I’m glad that Alcide gave up on being the Big Bad Wolf and hope he settles back into his old life – and I do like that he and Sam are pals now. As for Sam, what could be cuter than a little shifter running around Merlotte’s?! Lafayette continues to do nothing but run errands and cook for the rest of the folk, which is getting a bit tiresome. Isn’t he a super-powerful demon?! And I have to say, I was secretly hoping they’d kill off Steve Newlin (though I love him) and Rikki (though I don’t), just to thin the herd a little more. We were on a roll there for a few eps!

Anyway, I’d give it three out of five WTFs:

How are folks feeling going into the penultimate episode? Is Sookie gonna vamp out and spend the rest of the series dealing with the fallout? Or are she and Sam going to really end up together, after all?


Writer-filmmaker Brian Juergens launched CampBlood.org, the world's first website devoted to horror films from a gay perspective, in 2003.