True Blood continues to be the most confusing show on television, especially this week with every single character’s life get very, very complicated. Bill has become a maniacal human-hater, Terry has been tasked with murdering his former BFF Patrick, Hoyt is getting guns pointed at his head by his old pals and Jessica is basically trapped in a closet R. Kelly style until nightfall. At least Alcide got to enjoy some flexible wolf sex.
To the rankings.
1. Vampires: Back From The Dead Gay Vampire Edition / Authority Edition / Hot Mess Edition (Grp. 1): Well the crazy vampires are now hell bent on ending the human race it seems, and even Bill is in on the plot. Trying to come up with ways to get the rest of the vampire population on board, Bill came up with the inspired idea to bomb all the Tru Blood factories and force vampires to feed on other humans. Everyone seems jazzed with this idea, save Eric, the lone voice of reason. We repeat, Eric is now the voice of reason in this group. This does not end well.
2. Vampires: Hot Mess Edition (Grp. 2): So as we mentioned Jessica is trapped in the closet, but Pam and Tara are currently providing the only bit of actual entertainment on the show. This of course means we never see the two, so producers, keep in mind that the more Pam, the better the show. We’ve been saying this for five seasons now.
3. Fairies: Sookie now knows the vampire who killed her parents, the problem is she seems to have brought him back with her to the other side after psychically channelling him. Oh, and He. Is. Going. To. Get. Her. Maybe Jason should have just let Sookie waste all those fairy powers when she had the chance, nothing good has ever come of them.
4. Wolves: Alcide had some good sex and saved a poor college kid’s life, but these messes just seem hell bent on killing everyone for no real reason. Wolves are the worst.
5. Shape-shifters: It is awesome to be able to turn into a cobra to scare the sh*t out of a murderer. It is not awesome when your girlfriend assumes your form and likeness.