(*Exact reaction to about 90% of last night’s True Blood)
We start off with Bill (Stephen Moyer) hearing someone’s voice calling rather lazily to him in the empty halls of The Authoritaay: “Bill … Compton … Bill … Compton … The White Zone is for the loading and unloading of passengers only … There is no parking in the White Zone.” He goes into the Lilith Lounge and there Lilith (Jessica Clark) is, in all her nekkid-Hellboy-ish glory, to announce: “Only you can lead us. Billkachu, I choose you!”
She tells him to drink ALL of her blood – after calculating the volume of liquid that has been retained by her doormat-sized pubic merkin he’s all, “Eew, that’s a bit … no, I’m good, thanks” and turns away. He hears a squawk behind him and when he turns back Lilith is gone, but she’s left tell-tale strawberry jam fingerprints on the door of her tabernacle.
In a different but equally boring wing of the Authoritaay, Nora (Lucy Griffiths) is sitting on a bench thinking about how the ghost of her dead maker was beheaded in front of her earlier that day. Ah … good times! Salami (Valentina Cervi) enters to tell her that General Cavanaugh is coming. Nora feigns excitement at whoever that is and Salami rhapsodizes about how the two of them started this whole thing together and how “the world will run with blood.” Nora kisses Salami – ON THE MOUTH, LIKE A DIRTY GIRL – and it’s clear that Nora is up to something.
Elsewhere, Jess (Deborah Ann Woll) sneaks into Bill’s chambers to find his phone – and when he catches her she tells him that her phone isn’t working and she really needs to warn Jason about how Russell and Steve are out to get him and Sookie and everything. Bill won’t let her call, telling her that human problems are totally lame and Sookie and Jason are just food now … pretty, pretty food.
Jess tries another tactic, telling Bill that if he lets her visit Jason she’ll turn him into a vampire, because that’s what Lilith wants, right? He calls her bluff and comes very close to ordering her AS HER MAKER to turn him (but he doesn’t), and sends her to Bon Temps in a helicopter (finally, someone tries to account for all the time travel happening lately!) with a security detail.
Related: Bill is a total sh*thead.
Down the dull hall, Eric (Alexander Skarsgård) is pacing in his cell. Nora is walking around looking intense/crazy, and she goes into Eric’s room. They have cheer-sex, and then they have REAL sex. Hilariously, Nora decides right in the middle of things to scream, “Forgive me forgive me, what are we gonna do?!?” Eric says he’ll get them out of there.
Back at the Cirque du So Gay, Sookie (Anna Paquin) and Jason (Ryan Kwanten) discuss the news that she’s been promised to this guy:
Jason says that he won’t let the “air shape” take her. Apparently the fairies are going to let Sookie talk to some elder, who might be able to help. Jason takes his leave to, like, go to work and stuff. Sookie apparently can’t be bothered. Which is okay, because her boss is currently playing The Rescuers Down Under at the vampire shadow government’s headquarters. We all should have it so easy, right? And by the way, where have all the fairies gone? They said earlier that they can’t leave the club for fear of getting eaten, but it’s empty. Party in the champagne room!
Back at L’Authoritaay, General Cavanaugh arrives and demands to know where Roman is. Funny, because I think he’s the only one who misses him, amIright? [HIGHFIVE] The human military apparently knows that the vamps bombed the True Blood factories themselves (when Antebellum Sharon Osborne protests he puts her in Time Out and calls them all “psychotic bloodsuckers,” eliciting the kind of facial expression that Carolyn Hennessy was hired for), and he calls them on the carpet for breaking the standing truce that he and Roman arranged twenty years ago.
The NuThoritaay tell him that their policies have shifted and that he’d better watch his fat baby mouth; he counters that they have footage of Russell – whom the vamps had promised was dead – and Steve Newlin slaughtering a frathouse, and they had better watch THEIR fat baby mouths. He goes to leave and Eric jumps in front of him. “Oh God.” “God is a vampire.” [breaks neck] Antebellum Sharon Osborne clutches her pearls and mutters, “Oh my …”
Back in the BT, Jess and her security detail ambush Jason and she tries to give him some not-at-all-subtle hints to kill her escorts, but he’s too busy talking about FEELINS to notice. They tell her she had better turn Jason now or they’ll do it for her, and she whispers “trust me” and bites him.
The Authoritaay isn’t happy with Eric for breaking the General, but he says that he’ll go and glamour everyone who knew about the footage of Russell and Steve, and everything will be great! Nora says that it just so happens she knows the General’s chief of staff and also she left some brownies in the oven and forgot she’s in the middle of an important bike race so she’d better go too. Bill notices that they’re up to something and makes them take along a security detail, which this episode will prove to be the writers’ code for “empty gore calories.”
Jess coos to Jason in the ground as her empty calories begin to bury them together, then she gives him the cue and he shoots both vamps (with wooden bullets, clearly). Before he can run off to warn Sookie, Jess tries to have an ill-timed heart-to-heart.
Over at Fangtasia, Pam (Kristin Bauer van Straten) is white-gloving the stockroom while Tara (Rutina Wesley) insists that “there’s not a drop of Elijah anywhere.” Pam says the Authority will be after Tara if they learn the truth, but Tara is ignorant of the Vatican-like cabal that rules them all. Pam commands Tara never to speak of Elijah again, which works for me. (By the way, anyone notice that they’ve used his name more now that he’s dead than when he was alive?) Just then, Jess shows up begging for shelter, which Pam is none too happy to give. But when Jess says she knows where Eric is, Pam relents to “the ginger bitch.”
Eric and Nora are in the car with their empty calories. When they come to a stoplight Eric asks if he can change the station they say fine and he splashes them all over the inside of the windshield. He and Nora step out into the night and Eric gets his own classic hero shot (a dramatic push in to him, all backlit and bright-eyed) and Nora tears off her Authoritaay necklace and they fly away.
Sam (Sam Trammell) and Luna (Janina Gavankar), meanwhile, take a break from trying to drive Nathan Lane to fits of hysterical anguish to turn back into humans in the Interior Illusions Lounge.
Sookie is brought to The Elder – on the way they warn her that girlfriend is extremely old and is pretty much fried from all the information she’s been forced to absorb across the dimensions and reading ALL the Game of Thrones books and stuff. Turns out she’s actually a very pretty woman who expresses herself through the language of DANCE. She’s essentially the Debbie Allen of the fae realm AND I CANNOT EXPRESS HOW MUCH I LOVE HER.
Their convo is interrupted when Elder Allen keeps asking Sookie’s opinion on various musical acts (“John Cougar Mellencamp: For or against?” … and Sookie says “Against”?!? No little pink house for you, missy!) and of course she doesn’t get to the point where she actually reveals anything useful about Warlo, whom she knows, because they’re interrupted by Jason’s arrival.
They also tease us by giving us overlapping sentence fragments that spell out “Warlo is…” “Russell Edgington” which of course could be interpreted to be that Warlo is Russell Edgington, but that makes no sense. So it’s probably true.
Back at Merlotte’s (hey, remember that place?!) Andy (Chris Bauer) drops by to pick up breakfast from Holly (Lauren Bowles), who has brought her kids in to apologize and make it even more terrible for him when in five minutes his pregnant fairy one-night-stand shows up. Clearly having not read the script or learned anything after five seasons about how this show works, Andy promises to do right by their ma.
More importantly: Alcide (Joe Manganiello) is shirtless and hitting the dirt with a heavy implement of some kind. Seriously, I have no idea what he’s doing outside his father’s trailer – it’s like he’s splitting wood, but I swear there’s no wood there. Are they just messing with us now? Or does the gravitational pull of his six-pack create some kind of dead zone where other cordwood-shaped items are rendered invisible? In either case, this scene is hilarious because it involves some random Colt model pulling up in a pickup, awkwardly using the term “baby vamps” several times, and then driving his sleeveless hot self away in a cloud of dust. It’s AMAZING.
Apparently Alcide’s paw [RIMSHOT] doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, because he calls the guy “a lyin’ sh*t!” Alcide then accuses pappy of stealing money from his pack, which is why they kicked him out, which is probably true. Pops (Robert Patrick) says “the pack can go f*ck themselves” and Alcide gets really mad and starts slamming his big tool on the ground again. I’m sure that there’s some important subtext I’m missing here, so I may have to watch this scene several more times by myself. Talk amongst yourselves.
Back at the strip club, Sookie rallies the fairies to stand up with her against Russell, and Elder Allen is all for it: “We, the fairy tribe of Bon Temps, will fight!” Hey, they must be Radical Faeries! Later, in a field, Jason tells Sookie that he’ll kill Russell himself. She tells him she loves him and he says the same, and they hug before he runs off to face certain danger. It’s a pretty scene and completely out-of-character for the show in pretty much every regard. Is Jason leaving the Shire to throw the One True Ring into the pits of Mordor? Or is he just gonna shoot up some paint cans in the backyard and maybe order a pizza?
Back at Merlotte’s, Terry (Todd Lowe) and Arlene (Carrie Preston) are flirting and laughing, as happy as a couple who have just killed a man together and fed him to a revenge demon and also had their plotline completely erased can be. Arlene is worried that Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) will snitch on them for even appearing in this episode, but Lafayette – whose own character has been reduced to a boozy quip and plug-and-play pageant-wave – replies, “I’m a bitch, not a snitch. Love it.” and heads back to toss himself into the bin labeled “RECYCLING”. Seriously, was this an actual scene, or just footage from the wrap party?
Arlene and Terry lecture Andy at length about how the cornerstones of any relationship are trust, honesty, loyalty, a shared murder, and not getting some fairy chick pregnant and OMG WHAT DO YOU KNOW – Maurella shows up, about to pop, and announces that Andy is the father. WHO SAW THAT COMING?! Sookie’s cat Tina saw that coming, and she’s been dead for 5 seasons.
Maurella confirms that yes, they had sex (twice, apparently, which she mentions several times – twinsies?) a week ago and she’s now 9 months pregnant, right on schedule. I think she learned the facts of life from soap operas. Andy says he’s more comfortable dating within his own species and she says that not fulfilling his promise would be “an act of war.”
Back in the Fangtasia basement, Pam – who is doing a great job in her new position as Baby Vamp Scout Leader – is educating Tara and Jess on the concept of “nest behavior,” where vamps who spend too much time together start acting like total idiots. See also: cults, sleeper cells, Youth groups. Confirming that this is, indeed, the vampire equivalent of a pajama party, Pam quips, “Maybe later we can braid each other’s hair and talk about boys” and stomps off. Jess asks Tara if she “likes” Pam and Tara reacts so strongly in the negative that of course it means that she does. Jess then says that she likes talking to Tara and maybe they can be friends when they’re not busy throwing each other across the bar. Tara’s cool with that.
But before you know it, Antebellum Sharon Osborne shows up and smells dead sheriff on Tara, and demands to know who killed her progeny. Whoopsies! Tara doesn’t admit to it – because she can’t, remember – and Pam swoops in to claim that she killed Elijah and what of it. She’s instantly surrounded by gay stormtroopers and Sharon arrests her for murder, and then sniffs out Jess hiding in the closet and drags her back, too. Okay, now I get how this crazy Mary Kay lady got into the Authoritaay to begin with. Nothin’ gets past her!
Back at Our Lady of Perpetual Boredom, Bill yet again hears Lilith’s whale call and follows it into his room, where Lilith stands there in desperate need of a Wet Wipe or 200. Seriously. She again commands “Drink of me” and he kneels, and she gives him vampire communion and vanishes, but even after she’s gone he has her strawberry jam on his lips. Okay, is this gonna end up that someone else is walking around and wiping Smuckers all over the damn place and pretending it’s Lilith? Maybe waving a bloody piece of carpet around at crotch-level while they’re at it? Because that’s … not so good.
Alcide microwaves soup. It’s thrilling. (Oh, who am I kidding – I’d watch him do his taxes.) He sees some crazed new vamps trying to get through the electric fence around his paw’s trailer and when they run off to the neighbor’s, he follows them. Later we see that the vamps are trying to break into the neighboring trailer and he shoots one of them – another vamp sees his friend go splat and he cries, “When we die we’re goo?!” He then gets staked from behind … by Alcide’s paw, who’s standing on his trailer with a crossbow. Good dog!
Russell (Denis O’Hare) ambushes Jason on Sookie’s porch. Jason says “Jesus!” and Russell confirms that he met JC once, and he was a dirty hippie who smelled like patchouli. So Godspell was right!! Steve (Michael McMillan) shows up and they make a Stackhouse Sandwich – but instead of making the best use of this situation, Russell glamours Jason into telling him where the fairies are. Jason happily leads them to the field.
Meanwhile, Sam and Luna come across a lot of nekkid people locked in cells, and then they find Emma in puppy form. They’re captured, and Sam volunteers to be Bill’s next meal. I’m officially charging this scene a Convenience Fee of $4.50.
Bill, meanwhile, goes back to the Lilith Lounge to find that Kibwe (Peter Mensah) is already there enjoying a vision of Lilith telling him that he’s the chosen one. Bill, who has never been good at sharing, beheads him in the fountain.
Jess gets hauled in, and Antebellum Sharon Osborne asks Chelsea – the bitchy receptionist – to page Bill. Pam is dragged one way, passing Sam, who is being dragged the other. They both ask, “What the f*ck are YOU doing here?” either to one another or to the writers.
The bring Jess to Bill, and he’s none too happy about her letting two vamps die in Jason’s place. He slaps her across the room. Yikes! They’re really taking his character past the Point of No Return, aren’t they?
Down the hall, Lilith chooses Salami as the one true savior. Okay, I’m getting the point: Lilith is also behind telemarketers, Nigerian email scams, and Season 1 of The Glee Project. Clever girl!
Jason leads Russell and Steve to the field, and Steve rather hilariously gets stuck in the backseat of the cop car: “Baby, open the door! Baby?” Russell and Steve immediately start spazzing out over the smell, and they zoom around while, inside the invisible stripper tent, Sookie tries to rally the fairies to go outside and kill them. They won’t, but then Elder Allen marches out to zap Steve into the next county and attempt to zap Russell – only she hits J instead and Russell kills her. He drains her and wigs out from the high. But then he realizes that he can see the fairies and he goes in for dinner.
NOTABLY ABSENT: Hoyt (*sniffle*), Meemaw Martha, J.D, Rikki
NOTABLY DEAD: General Plot Device, several security details, Elder Debbie Allen, Kibwe, Andy’s chances with Holly
QUOTE OF THE WEEK: There were tons of amusing little bits of verbology this week, but I am going to give it to Lafayette for HIS ONLY LINE OF DIALOG: “I’m not a snitch, I’m a bitch. Love it.” Particularly the “love it” bit. Which I do.
Thank Godric TB brought the crazy back this week, because I – like many of us – was starting to get a little worried. The comedic bits and over-the-top moments seemed to work well in the generally amped-up pace and tone of the episode, and the emergence of Bill as the season’s potential Big Bad means that at least SOMETHING is going to come from all this Authority nonsense. I’m also loving the Ten Little Indians vibe going on in the Interior Illusions Lounge – will ANY of the original chancellors survive the season?
So how did others find the ep? Excited about everything coming to a head next Sunday?