“True Blood” Season 5 Finale Recap: “It’s the F*cking Rapture”

Well … THAT happened.

For the capper to a wildly uneven season, True Blood decided to whack a major character, only to bring him back again seconds later as the Second Coming. That’s right, folks – Lilith has passed on her bloody merkin, and Bill Compton has strapped it on as the new cherry-coated vampire demigod du jour.

That sound you hear is millions of shrugs as the half of the audience who gave up on the show years ago but still tunes in every week in the hopes that it will at least get their spouse horny enough for a little Sunday night nookie cancels their HBO in a fuzzy post-coital haze and forgets that any of this ever happened.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

“Blast him!”

Sookie (Anna Paquin) rallies her magical, dance belted army against Russell Edgington (Denis O’Hare) – but it does little to dissuade him. Luckily, Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) shows up at the last minute to stake Russell – who glows momentarily in defiance before splatting all over Thibault’s field. Eric notes, “That felt even better than I thought it would.” I wish I could say the same. Steve Newlin (Michael McMillan) runs for the hills, predictably.

Sookie runs to check on Jason (Ryan Kwanten), and Nora (Lucy Griffiths) tries to eat her. Eric whacks her with a rolled-up newspaper. “What is she?” “She’s a waitress.” Jason wakes up and instead of Sookie he sees his dead mama squatting before him.

Sam (Sam Trammell), meanwhile, is brought to Bill (Stephen Moyer) for breakfast. Bill snorts, pointing out to the guards that Sam is a shifter and therefore not appropriate for breakfast. Move over, shifter – now there’s something meatier! When Bill makes it clear that he’ll now have to kill Sam, Sam turns into a fly and even Bill’s vampire-powered speed isn’t enough to catch him. Good thing Mr. Miagi isn’t around!

Over at Fangtasia, Tara (Rutina Wesley) tells Eric that the Authoritaay took Pam. He unearths hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash that will have nothing to do with anything, so ignore them.

Back at Sookie’s, Jason is still seeing visions of his parents while talking to Sookie. Eric, Nora and Tara show up, and Sookie and Tara spend about 0.3 seconds playing catch-up. Tara reminds Sookie, “You owe Pam.” Eric tells Sookie that Bill was the one who bombed the factories and only she can save him, and Tara again reminds her, “You owe Pam.” Okay, we get it. Jason wants to go along to save Jess, but Eric chides, “No, sweetie, don’t be a fool.”

Back at the Interior Illusions Lounge, Bill – on full alert now that there’s a breach – gathers the gay stormtroopers and yells at them for being part of such a lame plotline. After they leave, Salami (Valentina Cervi) asks where Chancellor Kibwe is and Bill’s all, um … I killed him because he thought he was the chosen one, when we know YOU are! He tells Salami that he knows Lilith chose her and he couldn’t be happier for her, seriously. He bows and makes a mental note to order her an Edible Arrangement. I get another drink.

Naked people! Puppy in a crate!

Jess (Deborah Ann Woll) tells Pam (Kristin Bauer van Straten) that Bill and Eric have gone Full Kirk Cameron and Pam’s all, “Bill’s always lookin’ for something to feel guilty for,” but not her Eric. She concedes, “I guess this just proves we’re just as f*cking retarded as humans are.”

Her words, folks – not mine.

But when she learns that the Vampire Bible (King James Edition) says that fairies are an abomination, Pam decides that yes, she can get behind this.

Alcide (Joe Manganiello) and Paw-Paw (Robert Patrick) are barbecuing inside their sensible hundred-thousand-dollar silver fence trailer perimeter. Alcide suggests that after bonding over meat they go get mani-pedis. Paw delivers a woe-is-me speech that Alcide’s heard a dozen times and I feel like we have, too, even though we haven’t. But they’re interrupted when Meemaw Martha (Dale Dickey) wheels up with an extremely hopped-up Rikki in the backseat – she was apparently forced to drink V by J.D. and she’s a hot were mess.

Fly-cam! Bill and Salami are in bed. File under “Ick.”

Jason and Sookie stock up on vamp-killing things at the crime scene that was once The Stake House. Sookie makes a plea for tolerance but Jason stresses, “that train has already sailed.” Bless. There’s also talk of “it’s us against them” and “the time for tolerance is over.”

Back at Paw Paw’s trailer, Alcide learns that J.D. juiced the pack by force and then raped the younger women. Paw Paw reveals that he keeps a stock of really good V in case anyone ever comes for him.

Sam, meanwhile, flies into Steve’s room.

Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis), meanwhile, is still making the most of the fact that his character has had jack-all to do. Seriously – he has been at the wrap party for about five episodes. Now he’s made Cajun Margaritas for Arlene (Carrie Preston) and Holly (Lauren Bowles). Isn’t that a bit insensitive with Arlene’s ex-fiance being (fake) Cajun and also a crazy murderer? Talk about a theme drink. La-la does a rather amusing dance and coos, “Come on, Peaches, just a little sippy sip.” She sippy sips. Laffy rolls it out.

Andy (Chris Bauer) and Maurella arrive – she heavy with child. Jane Bodehouse – who for some reason has been spoken about all season but never shown – is drunk at the bar. While Maurella chugs a canister of salt, Jane tells Andy that they had sex in the woods, which he denies. He tells Holly, “she’s drunk!” and Jane confirms, “I am.” Atta girl.

Andy then confesses to Holly about boinking ET – twice! – and Holly seems to begrudginly forgive him just before Maurella’s light breaks.

Bill humps Salami.

Jason and Sookie discuss Bill in the car, with their dead parents interfering. Okay, seriously – where are they going with this? Sookie asks Jason how his head is and notices a bump the size of a walnut on the back of it. So this is all just a concussion? Or have his fairy powers been activated? I make a note to remember to care. Suddenly someone pops their head down from the roof of the car. I have no idea who it is, even though I’ve watched it twice – I’m thinking maybe it was Eric, who just woke up in his ligh-tight surfboard case?

Holly is midwifing for Maurella on the Merlotte’s pool table. Gotta say I’m surprised it took five seasons for someone to give birth on that thing. Maurella gives rather orgasmic birth to a HUUUUUGE baby – and then three more just like it. I think that means that by law Andy now has a show on Lifetime.

Oh – and Jane Bodehouse has no idea what’s going on. Lafayette comforts her: “Who does, Baby Jane, who does?” Not this queen. Holly informs Andy: “You’re a dick.”

Steve Newlin goes into the pantry pen to pick up Emma, ordering her “Do not shift.” He seems nervous … and that’s because this is of course Luna, who is skinwalking. Steve/Luna (Stuna?) is momentarily sidetracked by the bitchy receptionist, Chelsea, who is taking courses on marketing and is proud to have aced her statistics exam. It’s as thrilling as it sounds. But she does notice that Steve’s Southern accent has slipped – Steve laughs it off, and then a pissed-off Antebellum Sharon Osborne (Carolyn Hennessy) swoops in to save the day, using her blood to activate the locked-down elevator and take Steve upstairs for something important. Sam, as a fly, hitches a ride.

Out in the woods, J.D. is stringing up vamps and draining them. Alcide busts in to beat the sh*t out of him. Then he kills him, for good measure, and tells the pack that drinking V and raping young ladies isn’t cool. He’s like a “One to Grow On” with nipples that could cut glass. Bonus: the sight of Dale Dickey brandishing a longbow the size of Kareem Abdul Jabbar.

Eric and Nora drive Jason’s truck back into the Authoritaay, on Bill’s OK. He sees Sookie in the back of the pickup and makes an unreadable face.

Antebellum Sharon Osborne puts Stuna on live television to mitigate the frathouse bloodbath situation, and she only gets a few words out before she pukes, turns back into herself, and tells the world that vampires are doing horrible things, etc. Sam, as a fly, zooms into Sharon’s mouth and then shifts back into himself, splatting her from the inside. Not sure how that worked, but apparently it did. Sam is the furry, adorable human equivalent of a bag of Flamin’ Hot Fritos.

Oh, and Lafayette and Arlene – who have flipped on the TV now that the MULTIPLE, BEER-BOTTLE-SHATTERING FAIRY BIRTHS are over (Seriously? Kids these days and their short attention spans…) – see Luna’s switch on TV and Lafayette comments, “I did NOT see that sh*t comin’.”

Eric, Sookie, Tara, Jason, and Nora storm the castle. Chelsea becomes a statistic. In an out-of-character moment of warmth, Tara warns Sookie: “Watch out, it’s slippery.” Has becoming a vampire actually made her nicer?

Eric and Nora stake a dozen gay stormtroopers. It would be awesome if the scene didn’t feel like a moment from an ill-tempered Spy Kids movie.

Tara breaks Pam outta the hoosegow: “Gettin’ you the f*ck outta jail, bitch!” Tara burns her hand yanking open the door in order get to Pam’s sweet, sweet pillow lips. They make out. Jess squees, “I knew it!”

Back at Salami’s, she kegstands all of Lilith’s blood. Yeah, this is gonna end well.

Jess runs into Jason’s arms and tells him she loves him, but he pushes her away: “I can’t ever love a vampire.”

Eric and Sookie send them all away and stay behind to deal with Bill.

And Bill, of course, secretly replaced the gourmet goddess blood in Lilith’s crystal decanter with mountain grown Folger’s crystals, and now Salami is seriously hurting for some Immodium-V (for the vampire on the run). He stakes her. It’s lame.

Eric and Sookie burst in and tell Bill not to drink the blood, insisting that Lilith is “a mad god” and blah blah blah. Bill tells Sookie she’s an abomination and honestly at this point it’s hard to remember these two characters ever having been on the same show together, much less in the same scene. He chugs the blood, and he goes splat. Yep – Bill’s goo. Sookie is upset, but then Eric notices something odd happening. From the pool of goo, a nekkid, bloody Bill rises, in Lilith’s image. Eric screams, “Run!”

I’d love to.


Notably Dead: The Authoritaay, Bill, Russell Edgington, J.D., my interest

Notably Absent: Terry, Hoyt

Quote of the Week: Pam pretty much summed it all up with “I guess this just proves we’re just as f*cking retarded as humans are.”

WTF Rating:

I gotta say, this was not the finale I’d hoped for. For starters, Bill becoming a Smuckers-coated higher power takes a ridiculous show that was rooted firmly in the small-town American experience and catapults it into La-la land. (No, Lafayette, not you – you’re still irrelevant, sweetheart.) And second, they are still in the goddamned Interior Illusions Lounge. I can’t begin to express how sick I am of that place. For me, the only good things to come out of the finale were Pam and Tara’s finally getting it on, Lafayette’s dance break, and Rikki’s hilariously over-the-top V-trip. Otherwise I found it unsatisfying as a finale, or as an episode, period. Will next season be able to pull the show out of its tailspin? We’ll have to wait (which, as they love to remind us, sucks) and see.

But that’s just one crank’s opinion. What’d you think of the episode and the season overall? It’s been a blast hashing out all the gory details with y’all throughout the season and I hope you’ve had fun, too. If not, please feel free to send your comments, strongly-worded letters, or ifreets my way.

Writer-filmmaker Brian Juergens launched CampBlood.org, the world's first website devoted to horror films from a gay perspective, in 2003.