Before we get into the details of the last installment of the runaway train that was True Blood, let me take a minute to thank everyone who has stuck with it (and with these recraps) to the end. I’ve been covering the show since day one (either in written form or through the BloodWork! videos I did with my better half back when we could stomach it) and even though this season has been an absolute nightmare to endure, I will still miss this crazy-ass show and all the fun I’ve had discussing it with other fans. So thank you both to the show and to everyone who has been suffering from Stackhouse Syndrome along with me.
Now on to the dumpster fire at hand.
We resolve the least cliffhangy cliffhanger in history with Bill (Stephen Moyer) knocking on Sookie’s (Anna Paquin) door. She opens it and he goes inside – you know, the way doors normally work. He asks Sookie to use her faerie stuff to kill him and free herself from being so magically delicious to vampires once and for all. She tells him to get the hell out.
Gus drinks booze at Fangtasia. Downstairs, Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) commands Pam (Kristin Bauer Van Straten) to release Sarah Newlin (Anna Camp). He says they’re setting her free and killing Gus. Pam is all in. He glamors Sarah into staying quiet and Pam gives her blood so she can keep tabs on her new dye job. Sarah crawls through the tunnels and runs to safety, and it’s actually kind of a good, creepy scene. Gus makes an origami crane out of a $100 bill because that’s what all Asian people do with their free time, right? He goes after Sarah and sics his goons on Eric and Pam, and Eric uses gasoline to blow up Gus in the escape tunnel. Okay. Eric then catches up with the guys who went after Sookie and we are treated to the image of Eric driving one of those ridiculous Fast and the Furious cars with a backseat full of corpses, rocking out to some hilarious music. Eric, thank you once again for making all of this even vaguely tolerable.
Pam catches up with Sarah Newlin “eatin’ garbage” at the carnival where Eric turned Willa (had you forgotten? I had.). Pam tells Sarah she’s a horrible person and Sarah says she wants to be a vampire and maybe even a lesbian if that’s part of the deal, but Pam is not having it. She honors Tara’s memory for a split-second and then drinks from Sarah: “I haven’t been vaccinated yet.” Sarah screams.
Jessica (Deborah Ann Woll) comes home with Hoyt (Jim Parrack), and they discuss the bag of blood that he left for her. Jess lets Bill… go? I guess? Hoyt is staying in town for Jess and Bill jokes that they should just get married and Hoyt proposes on the spot. Jess wants the perfect wedding, because her dad is dying. Bill gets sick(er) and talks about his daughter, Sarah. Jess wants to get married NOW so that Bill can give her away, or so he at least won’t have time to drag us into another horrible flashback.
It’s raining as Sookie remembers being pals with Tara as a little girl. I do have to say that the little girl playing Tara is PERFECT. And Gran is back! Muppet Baby Tara barks at Muppet Baby Sookie: “Stay outta my head, Sookie Stackhouse!” Sookie says that boys are nasty and have nasty thoughts, and Gran delivers a “Free to Be You and Sookie” moment. Back in the present, Sookie’s cupboards are dirty. Sookie meets Bridget, who says, “I’m Bridget.” Oh right – Jason’s door prize, since they killed off Tara, the most logical person to have him end up with, as they just reminded us in that flashback. They get to know each other in the last episode of the entire series, because that’s a great use of time. Sookie reads her mind and calls Jason “disgusting” because he only has instant coffee and not the other 4,305 reasons. She says “Bill asked me to kill him with my light ball” and become normal and have kids, which is of course the only way to be happy on this show all of a sudden. Hoyt and Jessica call Jason (Ryan Kwanten) and Sookie, respectively, to make wedding plans.
Jason picks pink roses and Sookie puts on a pink dress, all for Bill. Andy (Chris Bauer), Arlene (Carrie Preston), and Holly (Lauren Bowles) show up for the vampire wedding. Arlene then snoops around Bill’s house as Bill tells Andy that he’s leaving his mansion to him, as he is his one true heir aside from that sister of his that Bill banged that one time and we never saw again (whoopsies!). But Andy has to promise to rent it to Hoyt and Jessica for $1 a month for eternity, which sounds like a totally fair deal when you factor in maintenance and all that.
Jason ties Hoyt’s tie and makes a Regarding Henry reference, which is actually kind of awesome because I loved that movie when I was like 12 (though I have a hard time imagining that Jason and Hoyt would rent it together). Jason rallies: “Let’s do this shit, bubba.” Arlene and Sookie swoon over Jessica as though they had never noticed that she’s a goddamned rocketship of hotness before just now. Bill walks Jess out to very loud violin music (Andy makes Arlene turn it down, which is kind of hilarious). And all of a sudden Sookie can read Bill’s thoughts? And there’s a gay marriage reference, right on schedule. And Bill starts bleeding from his ears, which makes me wonder why this whole wedding couldn’t have waited until sundown – why in the hell would Jess risk bleeding out of her ears on her perfect wedding day? She and Hoyt are kind of awesome, and Andy tells him, “You may kiss your vampire bride.” Sookie tells Jason that she can read Bill’s thoughts and that Bill says he has been feeling more human than human because of the Hep-V. Sookie and Jason discuss his door prize.
Sookie drives Alcide’s truck (Alcide – remember him?) to visit the Reverend (Gregg Daniel). She confesses to being a faerie and he replies, “Well I’ll be!” The Reverend is as useless as ever. Sookie tells him to tell the churchgoers that “It’ll all be over soon,” which sounds a bit ominous, really.
Sookie calls Bill and says that can meet at sundown, and changes into a sensible flat before heading out to the graveyard. They kiss and their love theme plays for the last time. Bill hops down into the perfectly square grave (it’s also huge) and he dusts off what could either be a book or the Season 1 DVD. Oh – it’s a photo of him and his daughter. He bleeds on it. Dick. He gets in the coffin and says he’s ready and Sookie says she’ll never forget him, and charges up her faerie ball. But then she shows a little gumption for the first time in years and decides just to stake him instead, saying that the faerie shit is “a part of my truth.” She takes her sweet time snapping a shovel in half and crawling down into the grave, where she straddles and kisses him before introducing him to Mr. Pointy. He explodes all over her face, which is kind of rude. I mean, you really should ask a lady first. She cries and extracts herself from Bill’s soup coffin and reburies it and goes home.
About a year later, Eric and Pam star in an infomercial for New Blood. Is that Charlaine Harris working the teleprompter? Infomercial Eric is amazing, as is the can design for New Blood. Three years later, they start publicly trading, and Sookie is pregnant and Jason has several kids. So all is right in the world, apparently. Sam (Sam Trammel) and Nicole and their little girl come for Thanksgiving. Eric and Pam have Sarah tied up in the basement of Fangtasia, where she is being kept a blood slave that they rent out for $100,000 a minute. Gah – that’s kind of nasty, really. Steve shows up to gloat about her losing her mind. Sarah is thankful for nothing.
There’s a huge Thanksgiving party at Sookie’s, where every remaining living character is there, including Sookie’s new mystery man, whose face we don’t see. Wait, who is stuck at the small table off to the side? I guess we’ll never know.
Notably Dead: Bill, Gus, the yakuza, this show
Notably Absent: Pretty much everything that made this show worth watching to begin with
Sigh. Well, I will at least give them credit for allowing Sookie even the slightest bit of character development in the final inning – I mean, it only took seven years and all, but it was there in the moment when she decided that she was more important to herself than Bill was. And Bill really ended up being just as big a selfish ass as he began, if you think about it – he wanted Sookie to destroy part of herself along with him, just so that she wouldn’t be super-hot to other vampires anymore. What a jerk.
Otherwise, there was a wedding (I joked last week that the finale would end in a wedding, and I was honestly just kidding, but there you go!), and pretty much nothing else happened. Everyone has kids, which is supposed to mean that all is right in the world. And nice to see Sam and Lafayette for a split-second after seven years of acting their faces off through whatever insanity this show would throw at them. I’m a wee bit disappointed that they weren’t able to squeeze a cameo from Russell Edgington in somehow (I mean, hell, they brought back pretty much everyone else to do the walk of shame) but maybe he’s better off for staying away. I’d like to think that he and Tara are kicking it at some afterlife party somewhere.
Overall, I’d give it two WTFs, both earned by Eric and Pam:
Thanks again, fellow fangbangers! See you in October for American Horror Story!