“True Blood”: “Hold the F*ck Up, Am I in THERAPY?!”


Ohhhhhhh Mylanta. Seriously, WTF is going on in Bon Temps and Shreveport Heights? According to “F*ck the Pain Away,” far too little f*cking and too much f*ckery for their own good – this week’s True Blood had so many Land of the Lost flashbacks and therapy sessions that only the brain-scarring image of Ryan Kwanten’s thrusting pelvic girdle could possibly save it. Let’s dig in.

Ben/Warlow (Rob Kazinsky) tells Sookie (Anna Paquin), “It’s our density to be together.” And also, he didn’t try to kill her on the bridge that night… but her parents did! Wah-waaaaaaah.

Jess (Deborah Ann Woll) apologizes to Beel (Stephen Moyer) for keeling Andy’s daughters… and then tries to bone him. Calm down, sweetie – a card would suffice. She’s seriously high on faerie blood: “I’m a f*cking monster!” Beel runs over to Sookie’s and summons Barlow, because Lilith was his maker and he can get away with that now. But not before Sookie gets her quarterly Sister Suffragette moment to whine about how nobody puts Sookie in the corner except everybody, all the time, harder and more often, especially vampires.

Andy (Chris Bauer) arrives at Beel’s – why didn’t Jess just lock the door when she saw him coming? Or at least close it? – and finds that one of his four-day-old daughters is alive. And also the other three are dead.

Tara (Rutina Wesley) tells Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) that gay stormtroopers got Pam. They instantly turn themselves in. Pam (Kristin Bauer van Straten), meanwhile, is marched through the facility, where they apparently can’t afford vertical blinds to conceal all the ridiculous stuff that they are doing to vampires behind closed doors: yanking out their fangs, forcing them to run on hamster wheels, and making them have sex really fast.

Hey – Tha Guvna (Arliss Howard) is fit! No wonder Sarah Not-So-Newlin (Anna Camp) wants to have a baby with him. She barks, “When a woman comes to you in black lingerie, you unwrap her!”

Billith forces Barlow to flash back to 3500 BC – wait, are they actually serious with this? – where Warlow’s tribe is one Chaka short of a Land of the Lost rerun.

This. Is. Recockulous.

So Chaka – sorry, Warlow – is accosted by Lilith by the drinking fountain, and she rips off his skirt (no complaints here) and mounts him before biting him and remarking, “God spoke of a creature like you.” You can drop the pillow talk, Lilith – pillows haven’t even been invented yet. So did Warlow just get Lilith pregnant? Anyway, Barlow and Lilith speak Dothraki and back in present day Barlow yells at Beel, “You made me into something I despise!” What, a plot device? Billith, meanwhile, has taken some of Barlow’s blood.


Sarah Not-So-Newlin ambushes Jason (Ryan Kwanten) – emphasis on the “bush”, as she points out, “I truly believe God wants me to f*ck you.” Jason – who has been struggling with his sexy-time dreams about Ben as of late, takes the opportunity to “lay the gay away”, mentioning mid-ball to Sarah that his penis in her immaculate vagina is “pretty damned heterosexual.”

Andy pours vampire blood into his dying daughter’s mouth, and she wakes up. That’s slightly effed up. Wait – whose blood is that? Eric’s? Russell’s?

Alcide (Joe Manganiello) approaches a werehooker and then a dude at a bar called The Unfriendly Possum. He’s still looking for a storyline. Or Sam, in a pinch.

Jess visits Jason and tells him about the fairy girls and Beel being maybe the devil, high as a kite the whole time. Sarah pops out of the bedroom to scream, “You’re a demon whore!” and quote the book of Mark. Jess has always hated Mark, but she almost boinks Sarah because she’s so stoned on fae Viagra. But Sarah rescinds Jess’s invitation to Jason’s house – wait, how is that possible? – and Jess gets bagged by the gay stormtroopers. Sarah crows to Jason, “You have defiled me with your vampire-loving pecker.” And it aaalllllmost sounds like that’s a bad thing.


Eric and three other vamps are forced into a room with red X’s on the floor and racquetballs are dropped at them and only one can survive blah blah (although it doesn’t look like they’re actually killing anyone). Then they have to shoot each other, and Eric wins. SHOCKER. After, Eric wanders into Gen Pop and bellows, “HAS ANYONE SEEN MY FRIEND, PAM?!” and no one answers. Okay, so now is this Vampire Oz?

Speaking of the devil, Pam is in a study with Pruitt Taylor Vince. He keeps telling her to lie down, but she won’t, because In Treatment got cancelled. Pam snaps to it: “Hold the f*ck up, am I in THERAPY?!” Pam reveals far too much, perhaps because a delicious Asian girl full of sweet, sweet blood is lurking nearby. Come on – Pam’s been around the block a few times. Isn’t she smarter than this?

Sookie rolls into Merlotte’s and Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) asks why she’s actually showing up for work for once. HA! He sits her down in Sam’s office – more therapy! – and she tells him about Ben and her parents and everything else: “I need to find my way back to the truth.” By “truth” she means “plot”, and by “I” she means “the writers.”

Out in the lunch rush, Terry (Todd Lowe) has invited some old colleague named Justin over to kill him. Yes, Terry hired some skinny-ass fool to MURDER HIM.

Andy tells Holly (Lauren Bowles) that Jess killed his daughters, and Holly seems genuinely upset that Jess the Nice Vampire Waitress was involved.

Sam (Sam Trammell) and Nicole (Jurnee Smollett-Bell) wake up in a different series and Sam admits that he was drunk the night before. You and me both, Sam.

Back in Vampire Oz (“VOZ”?) Jess finds Tara and she admits to being totally high and to having been instrumental in taking down Adibisi in the cafeteria the other night. Cue the angry jazz!!! Jess doesn’t want her daily blood ration and a bunch of other vamps try to jump on it before some nameless brunette that looks exactly like Willa, Nora, and Lilith steps up for her and then says that Tara and Jess owe her one. What, for being familiar? CHRIS KELLER WOULD EAT YOU FOR BREAKFAST, HONEY.

Pam, meanwhile, continues to spill her guts to Dr. Melfi. Seriously, is HBO just trotting out their greatest hits, at this point? I can’t wait for the Not Necessarily the News reference. Elsewhere, a grody guard asks Willa (Amelia Rose Blair) to lick his balls, adding, “Welcome to Vamp Camp.”

Jason leaves a VM for Sookie about how he doesn’t hate vampires anymore but then he goes to sign up with the vamp baddies. So is he undercover? Why am I feeling like that would be a step or two beyond our boy’s abilities?


Sookie and Lafayette have a kiki seance. Lafayette calls for Corbitt and Michelle Stackhouse, who initially do not want to come to dinner (“Stackhouses, calm the f*ck down!”). But eventually they do, and Sookie sees that they did, indeed, try to kill her as a child after Barlow tried to cash in his contract on her. (When she was, like, ten, mind you. It’s all kindsa pervy.) But Barlow insisted he wanted to make her into a vampire to protect her forever, which Sook’s redneck parents didn’t cotton to, so they tried to whack her. Which Lala then tries to do, acting under the possession of her father – he actually stuffs her in the trunk of his car. Wait, why can’t she just blast him?

Lilith made Ben slaughter his village. Why? No reason. But he spared Niall. Why? No reason. Ben remarks to Lilith, “You are a stupid prophecy.” I would tend to agree. Barlow torches Lilith in her cave by knocking some rocks out of the way.

Sarah Not-Necessarily-the-Newlin brings Tha Guvna to see Steve (Michael McMillan) in some kind of viewing room. Behind glass, they trot out Eric. It’s kind of like the “Open Your Heart” video. The Guvna tells Eric that they killed Willa. Eric seems upset. Wait – wouldn’t he have kind of felt something? They ignore the plot point: “Cue the stake!” They trot out Pam. They want her to stake Eric, or vice-versa.

And possessed Lala drags Sookie’s ass to the swamp and shoves her in the water.


Notably Absent: Most of the major players were here this week, even if just for a line or two. But Rikki, Meemaw Martha, and Ginger didn’t have to show up to work.

Notably Dead: Faerie daughters 2-4 (presumably)

Quote of the Week: It might have been a bit of a throwaway, but for some reason I really got a kick out of Jess’s confession to Tara when they met up in Vampire Oz: “I ate four faerie girls, I am SO f*cked up…”

Where to begin… For starters, I feel like I’m back in the Authoritaay again, only this time it’s the humans who have the keys to the conference rooms. I seriously can’t believe that the continue to add new characters to this ark – Justin, the werewhore (who we later see with Jackson), the prison chick who looks exactly like everyone else – while series regulars like Arlene and Alcide get one line apiece. I love that Sookie showed up for work for the first time in months and didn’t do so much as lift a bottle of ketchup. So Sarah can rescind someone else’s invitation? And Ben can heal, but only when he feels like it? And can’t Lafayette defend himself against a ghost, at this point? If not, he really needs to find a new hobby. And again, all due appreciation to Ryan Kwanten’s hips for elevating the conversation.

Overall I’d give it 3 WTF’s (out of 5):





We’re halfway through Season 6. Where are you at?

In 2003, Brian launched the world's first website devoted to horror film from a gay perspective (CampBlood.org), mining an untapped (and occasionally unintentional) source of entertainment and bringing together a huge and colorful population of gay horror fans and filmmakers. When he's not pulling skeletons out of closets, Brian writes reviews for horror megasite Bloody-Disgusting.com, general film site Freezedriedmovies.com, and can be found on the ever-informative RottenTomatoes.com. Brian is also a filmmaker, having produced, written, and directed two shorts (the dark romantic comedy An Apple a Day and the eerie suspense piece Two Story House) that have played at film festivals worldwide and left audiences generally uneasy. A born-and-bred Midwesterner, Brian studied Mass Media and Film at the Catholic University of America in Washington, D.C. (I know – crazy, right?) before fleeing the district for the warm and occasionally stinky shores of NYC. Brian is a proud member of the Online Film Critics Society, loving husband to illustrator Andy Swist, and benevolent overlord of their two cats.