“True Blood”: “They Call Me a Danger Whore.”


This week’s True Blood brought us a body count, several new vampires, and a moment of keen self-awareness from Sookie in the midst of her doing something completely ridiculous. Let’s dig in.

Beel (Stephen Moyer) hears Sookie (Anna Paquin) screaming underwater and suddenly Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) is thrown into the nearest swamp tree – it’s Barlow (Rob Kazinsky) who has come to her rescue. She tells him to zap her daddy out of Lala, which he does, and she tells Lala, “Tell him to get the f*ck outta my life… forever.” Which he does (until the next time they need a plot device in a flannel). That’s our girl – from drowning to bossypants in 0.6 seconds.


Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) – whose shirt announces that he is #1, btw – faces off against Pam (Kristin Bauer van Straten) but neither moves. An impatient Sarah Newlin (Anna Camp) mews, “You assured me this would be violent.” Wait – Pam can fly, too? Sure enough, she and Eric both fly, and they kill the snipers and stake a dude right through the “Open Your Heart” peepshow-viewing glass. Eric spies Steve Newlin (Michael McMillan) through the gloryhole, which I’m sure isn’t a first for Steve.

Lala, meanwhile, isn’t feeling the fact that Ben is a vamp who can walk in the sun. But suddenly Beel summons Barlow, who promptly pukes. Sookie grabs his hand and whisks him off to the graveyard with the chandeliers that her dead cousin used to take her to.

Beel – confused as to how his progeny could resist his summons – looks for Jess, and realizes that she isn’t there and is probably in some death camp. He says something vaguely ominous  and tries another tactic: “Lilith?”


Jason (Ryan Kwanten), meanwhile, aces his entrance interview to the “racist f*cks” neighborhood deathwatch.

Sam (Sam Trammell) and Nicole (Jurnee Smollett-Bell) argue in a motel room while Emma allegedly cries in the other room. It’s precisely as exciting as it sounds.

Barlow tells Sookie to tie him up – because even though they’re in the fae realm, he’s a super-badass vampire and if it’s getting dark back home he’s gonna vamp out here and eat a bitch. She uses a vine (what is this, The Jungle Book?) to tie him to an angel headstone.

Alcide (Joe Manganiello) visits his father and his werehooker, who is eating fried chicken in the nude. Alcide tells her to put some clothes on and she barks, “We’re werewolves – butch the f*ck up.” Butch or no, I’m with Alcide on this one – the eleven secret herbs and spices do NOT include personal hairs. Oh – and Jackson rats out Sam, or at least kinda, because Sam is obvis gone by now. Sure enough, all he’s left behind is sheets for Alcide to sniff. Wait, didn’t Sam and Nicole boink in that bed? KINKY.


On orders, Dr. Takahashi bleeds Beel into a coma until Lilith’s Bloody Merkin Trio appear to march him to their leader. Back at the Bellefleur mansion, Andy (Chris Bauer) gives Daughter #4 a name. It’s Adeline Braelin Charlaine Danica. Somebody knows his alphabet!

Lala is enjoying his night off by smoking weed and hot-gluing a new outfit (WERRRRRK) when Terry (Todd Lowe) stops by to give him a key to his safety deposit box. Mmmmkay. Even a stoned, bedazzled Lala finds this odd – not to mention Terry’s hug goodbye – so he calls Arlene to tip her off that boyfriend is going off thedeepend. Holly (Lauren Bowles) suggests to Arlene that they bring in a vamp to glamour the Iraq right out of Terry. Arlene loves the idea, so Holly calls her gay vampire PTA buddy, Matt, to do the favor.

Barlow tells Sookie that if he turns her, they’d be a “closed circle” and he’d never have to go all Rob Zombie again on anyone else. She’d of course then be a vampire, but isn’t a relationship all about compromise?

The Guvna (Arliss Howard) comes by to see Eric and taunt him, and when Eric mentions Willa the Guv brings in Nora (Lucy Griffiths), who is strapped to a gurney. A bitchy scientist injects her with a new virus called Hep V. Nora’s the first host, so who knows what it might do.

Lilith (Jessica Clark) appears to speak in riddles before dismissing Beel. He tells her, “You chose the wrong faerie.” She kicks him to the curb.

Sam has called Meemaw Martha (Dale Dickey), who takes Emma home – but she’s not about to let The Littlest Werewolf bring Funyons into her pristine shack. She promises Sam that she won’t take Emma to the pack, and says she’s not running with them anymore anyway. Sam weeps, “Bye, bunny.” Meemaw barks, “I was serious about those Funyons!”


Gay vampire Matt glamours Terry into forgetting the Marines, the war, everthin’. Terry, bless him, still looks crazy as hell.

Jason spills the beans to his new friends about the Authoritaay, and they give him a shot of something (as well as a glass of raw almonds). Sarah Newlin prances in and they pretend not to know each other – in private, he tells her that he’s “grabbin’ her by the pretty little Texas balls” and he’s there to rescue Jess.

The Guvna visits Willa (Amelia Rose Blaire), who demands to be allowed to join Gen Pop rather than languish in solitary: “I’m dead and you’re still overprotective!” She wants to be with Tara so she can learn more about what she is… from a vampire who’s like a week old. Hitch your wagon to a star, baby!

Alcide ambushes Sam, but he lets him and Nicole go. God, is this storyline going to go anywhere?! He tells Sam he can never go back to Bon Temps or Shreveport, which essentially leaves Sam’s only option to shift into a walrus and get a gig at Sea World.

Beel wakes up from his pointless coma, locks up Takahashi, and drinks the synthetic Barlow blood. He walks in the daylight.


Sarah welcomes Jason to the copulation study, which he’s totally into until they bring out Jess (Deborah Ann Woll). Okay, they’ve pulled this trick two eps in a row now – this “Open Your Heart” room is like the Let’s Make a Deal of the anti-vampire lobby. Is Monty Hall going to walk out of that garage door and give someone ten bucks for having paperclips in her pocketbook? Because this is getting ridiculous.

Jess has been paired with a friendly vamp named James, who tells her, “They want us to f*ck.” When he realizes she’s kind of innocent-ish, he refuses, insisting, “I’m a vampire, not a rapist.” They blast him with UV, so Jess tells him they should just do it. He still resists, and Sarah has him blasted several more times before breaking things up. As they drag her out, she tells him, “My name’s Jessica!” (Call me!)

Terry empties the trash – and as we all know, the dumpster behind Merlotte’s is pretty much the most dangerous place in town aside from Sookie’s kitchen. Sure enough, there’s a gunshot, and Terry is on the ground, bleeding from his throat. Arlene tells him “Think about all the joy in your life” as he dies. Yes, he dies. Terry is dead. Order up!

Beel visits the Guvna in broad daylight, and makes his guards shoot one another (which is, admittedly, kind of awesome). He demands to know the location of the white room from his vision, and The Guvna says he gives up – they got his only daughter, so who the eff cares anymore? Beel, not understanding the concept of surrender, literally bites the man’s head off. Well, that’s helpful – now he’ll definitely tell you where the room is! He leaves the Guv’s head on the front lawn.

Nora cries blood like crazy – she looks like a slightly more feminine Robert Smith. Willa – upon Tara’s suggestion during a game of Connect Four – glamours a guard into taking her to Eric. Pretty sneaky, sis! They rip the arm off a doctor and steal her coat and the guard’s armor and sneak around trying to find Pam, Tara, and Jess. Instead, after walking through what looks like the same room over and over for several minutes, Eric finds a Tru Blood bottling plant – seriously?! – where they are of course contaminating the blood with a very obvious, orange liquid.

Sookie tells a fanged-out Barlow, “They call me a danger whore.” (I guess Mr. Tibbs was taken?) She strengthens the faerie bond on his restraints,  lets him bite her, bites him back, and then strips and bangs the light balls out of him, noting, “I may be a whore but I ain’t stupid.” Really, Sook? Coulda fooled me.


Notably Dead: Terry (*sniffle*!), The Guvna, a few guards and a doctor

Notably Absent: Rikki, Terry’s old buddy from the war, Ginger

Quote of the Week: I think I have to give it to Willa – who I’m kind of liking more and more – for “I’m dead and you’re still overprotective!”

Where to begin… I get the feeling that, much like Terry, half of these characters are simply giving up. Sam gives up Emma. The Guvna gives up the fight (and his head). And Sookie gives up resisting the urge to tie Warlow to a gravestone and bang him into the next dimension. (We do know she has a thing for graveyard sex…) I’m bummed that Terry is gone because I’ve always loved his character and Todd Lowe’s work, but when I think back to some of the ridiculous crap they’ve put him through (possessed dolls? the ifrit?), he may have made the right decision by tapping out.  The only characters who have NOT given up at this point are Bill, Jason, and Arlene. Just take another look at those three names and tell me if that’s a good thing.

Anyway, I’ll give this week 3 out of 5 WTFs for ripping off the Guvna’s head and using it at a gazing ball:

What’d you think? Is the season shaping up the way you thought it would?

In 2003, Brian launched the world's first website devoted to horror film from a gay perspective (CampBlood.org), mining an untapped (and occasionally unintentional) source of entertainment and bringing together a huge and colorful population of gay horror fans and filmmakers. When he's not pulling skeletons out of closets, Brian writes reviews for horror megasite Bloody-Disgusting.com, general film site Freezedriedmovies.com, and can be found on the ever-informative RottenTomatoes.com. Brian is also a filmmaker, having produced, written, and directed two shorts (the dark romantic comedy An Apple a Day and the eerie suspense piece Two Story House) that have played at film festivals worldwide and left audiences generally uneasy. A born-and-bred Midwesterner, Brian studied Mass Media and Film at the Catholic University of America in Washington, D.C. (I know – crazy, right?) before fleeing the district for the warm and occasionally stinky shores of NYC. Brian is a proud member of the Online Film Critics Society, loving husband to illustrator Andy Swist, and benevolent overlord of their two cats.