“Warehouse 13″ The Living And The Dead

Steve and Claudia try to save Artie, and Pete’s forehead is abused.


Bad stuff happened.

“Whatever the effects of the Astrolabe, I’m afraid it’s caused Arthur to have some kind of psychotic break.”
“Stop Right There!”
“Artie, we can help you!”
“When Artie used the Astrolabe, it turned him evil.”
“Who are you?”
“You’re in my way.”
“A vibe. I just got hit by a big one.”
“The deadliest artifact in Warehouse 8 was a strange blue orchid that released a deadly disease called English Sweating Sickness. I think Artie is going to use the dagger to open the container and get the orchid”
“He’ll release an epidemic that potentially could wipe out half the world’s population.”
“I know you’re still in there. I know you can hear me!”
“Save me.”
“I cast you out!”
“Claudia, No!”

Really bad stuff.

We start off with Artie in the B&B, playing piano and having a lovely vision of Leena, who of course is now officially a member of the Gone Too Soon Club, and is in Sci-Fi/Fantasy Heaven clubbing with Ianto, and comparing the hotness of Pete and Captain Jack. Oh look! There’s Tasha Yar hitting on Ned Stark again. What a space tramp!

Best Friends Forever! Literally!

Suddenly, we’re jarred back to reality, and are now on a medi-copter heading back to the Warehouse. Artie is unconscious and still impaled with the dagger, as Pete, Myka, and a devastated Claudia (who’s gingerly holding Artie’s glasses) can’t bear to look at their fallen father-figure.

Back at the Warehouse, Artie is taken away while Mrs. Fredric intones, “We must deal with the release of the sickness. Every person on the planet is now at risk. We have a great deal of work to do.” Unfortunately for the planet, Mrs. Fredric can’t deal with this problem with her usual “I’m Throwing A Look That Will Cause Everyone In My Line Of Sight To Crap Their Pants” way.

Try as she might.

Yes, that’s right. I am officially shipping Steve and Thomas Roberts.

MSNBC’s out anchor hunk Thomas Roberts gives us an update on the mysterious sickness that’s sweeping Europe that has doctors baffled. Meanwhile, over on FOX news, they’re convinced that the source is, of course, Barack Obama, oh, and gay marriage.

Mrs. Fredric explains that everyone is infected, and they have less than 24 hrs before the symptoms will appear, which include chills, rapid pulse, and intense thirst. Add in “regrettable hookups and unexplained piercings” and she could be describing the morning after The Backlot Christmas party. And she adds one more thing … “ultimately death.”

*“Right. It’s always ultimately death. Artifacts never release a plague of tickles or an epidemic of kittens.” * Actual Pete Quote.

She also explains the Artie is still catatonic, but they were able to remove the dagger without any internal injuries. Confused stares appear, so she asks Claudia to explain. Claudia tells them that she acted on instinct, and realized that the dagger separates something evil from something good, so she used it on Artie to separate him from the evil of the Astrolabe. Mrs. Fredric is impressed, and explains that the dagger was originally used by a priest to perform the first exorcism.

Jane enters, and informs them that they may still lose Artie, but they have a working theory, and she commands Claudia and Steve to follow her. As they stand before an unconscious Artie, Jane tells them that his mind is failing, and they need to “reach into his subconscious and pull him back before his mind completely shuts down.” Naturally, an artifact is required.

“This may hurt a little.”

Jane brings out Sigmund Freud’s alarm clock, which “will allow your subconscious to interact with Artie’s, and hopefully discover why he is trapped.” Claudia immediately says “I’m in,” with Steve telling her, “You’re not going without me.” Jane responds, “Why do you think I asked for both of you?”

Yep, it definitely belonged to Freud. Notice how both hands are in the fully erect position, and the clock face is a perfect O, symbolizing … woman.

Steve and Claudia place their hand on Artie’s hands (which is now clasping the clock), and when they join their other hands, they’re transported into Artie’s brain … which looks exactly like the Warehouse.

*“I figured it had to be this, or a magical land made entirely of donuts.” * Actual Claudia Quote.

So what would Pete’s brain look like? Charlie Sheen’s guest house?

Kate Mulgrew AND Lindsay Wagner? Gay nerds everywhere just SQUEEED! in unison

They surmise that if the warehouse is representing his brain, the nerve center will be his office, but they may have a problem getting there, as Dr. Vanessa appears, and sternly orders them to leave. Claudia immediately realizes that this isn’t the real doctor, but the image of Vanessa that Artie keeps in his mind (then why isn’t she naked and covered in hot fudge?)

Artie is hell bent on kicking the kids our of his mind, lest they be trapped inside, and is willing to try every dirty trick in his trick bag, including a dirty trick in his trick bag.

As parts of the Warehouse (Artie’s mind) begin shutting down and going dark, Claudia realizes the enormity of the situation, and in the best scene of the episode, Steve tries to talk her down.

“The Warehouse was supposed to do good, and instead it just keeps killing the people I love, You died, Leena died, and now the whole damn world is dying.”

“Pete and Myka will find a cure. They will.”

“So what? It’s not going to save Leena. And Artie? I stabbed Artie with a dagger. Why bother if we just keep losing?”

“Because it’s not the win … it’s the fight. Evil is relentless, it always has been. You take one evil out, and another pops out to replace it.”


“But if we stop fighting, if we give up, what does that say about us? I knew that Sykes was dangerous, but we had to stop him. Mrs. Fredric warned Leena to get out, but she stayed to help Artie. And you, you knew the world needed saving, even if it cost you the only father you’ve ever known. The fight. That’s what matters.”

“When we get out of this, I’d like you to meet my brother. I think you two would hit it off.” *

“I look forward to it!” *

* May not have occurred.

As they try to move further through Artie’s Warehouse/mind, he keeps throwing roadblocks at them, including cocooning and James McPherson, who provides the most powerful distraction. Realizing that only Claudia can help Artie when they finally reach him, Steve decides to take James out of the equation, sending him out of Artie’s mind, and sending Steve back to reality. In a great throwaway line, Claudia snarks “So Brave,” which is a nod to one of their first adventures together.

With Steve back on the outside, it’s up to Claudia, and when she finally reaches Artie, it’s in the same fantasy vision that began the episode, with a happy Leena, and Artie playing the piano.

Claudia realizes that Artie has created this fantasy in order to hide from reality, and she pleads with him to face the truth. Artie insists that he can’t face the enormity of what he did, and he wants the darkness to envelop him until he disappears. Claudia tearfully says, “It’s not what she would want.” You know, Dead Leena is standing right next to you.

Artie says, “If I go with you, I will have to remember. Remember her face, before …. She trusted me, and she didn’t understand. Why would you want me to remember that?”

As the darkness starts to invade the vision, Leena disappears, and Claudia makes one last effort to get through to Artie. She tells him “I’m sorry, Artie, but I think a bigger part of you wants to leave. In Germany, you said ’save me,’ so I did. And i’d do it again, and again, no matter how angry you’d get.”

She mentions the fact the he gave himself clues, like the door he’s standing in front of in his fantasy, a door that doesn’t exist in the real B&B. Obviously, he put it there as his way out. “I don’t think you’re done fighting, and it’s the fight that matters. Now Go!”

Artie says no, but Claudia has finally had enough, and pushes them both through the door, back into reality, where Artie awakens.

Trailer approves.

“Wait a minute. If we’re tasked with actually saving the world, why the hell is this recapper treating us like this week’s B Team?”

Meanwhile, Myka, Mrs. Fredric and Pete have their hands full trying to prevent billions of deaths. The Orchid turned to ash and caused millions of death back in the 1500’s, but when they found it, it was whole, so obviously there is a way to reconstitute it. After some digging, Myka comes across the story of of a 16th century count who claimed supernatural abilities, including the power to bring sickly plants back to bountiful blooming health.

They don’t find much info on the Count, but do come across a book by the foremost expert on Marie Antoinette, who apparently knew the Count extremely well. Myka and Pete head off to see what he might know.

Unfortunately, Professor Bennett Sutton is a slovenly, loutish drunk who, in between nodding off, comes on to Myka, telling her, “Why don’t you ditch The Forehead and then you can interrogate me.” Because he’s played by James Marsters, it’s instantly forgivable.

As Bennett simultaneously falls of his chair, belches, and tells Pete “It’s remarkable. You could rent it out as billboard space,” he tells them the story of the Count, who was a scoundrel and a grifter, and “incredibly charming,” and made up wild stories about supernatural powers. Marie was enamored of him, especially his ability to bring any dead or dying flora back to vibrant life.”

Pete asks about any peculiar objects the count may have had, and Bennett mentions a garish ring he always wore. A-Ha! Unfortunately, as far Bennett knows, the only place the ring could be is with the Count, who is buried somewhere in the catacombs beneath Paris. And there are two problems: Marie placed an impenetrable lock on the crypt, and anyone trying to break through ended up flayed alive, and the catacombs are an endless maze, impossible to get through without a map.

Luckily, the Warehouse holds a map from French explorer Nicolas Baudin, which details the catacombs, but it won’t do any good without the map legend … and Bennet knows where to get one.

They head to Paris, where there’s now less than seven hours til the sickness start taking lives. They arrive at the stately mansion where the legend is allegedly part of a “collection,” which raises the suspicions of Myka and Pete. Bennett delivers the zinger of the night at Pete with, “Don’t wrinkle your forehead. You look like sheet music.”

“I have a handsome forehead. Just ask my mom. Oh, and on the plane … swiped your nuts. Wait.”
*Actual Pete Quote

Spike: The Early Years

Of course, Bennett has an ulterior motive, and when he mentions that the mansion belongs to Charlotte, a “rival” of his, Pete and Myka balk at breaking in. He tells him that he knows about the sweating sickness, and knows about the rumor of the orchid, and guesses that they need the ring to reconstitute the flower.

All hell breaks looks inside as they’re searching for the legend, as Charlotte (guest star Polly Walker) arrives and pulls out a shotgun, forcing Myka to Tesla her. But that’s nothing compared to the next surprise. Myka finds a portrait of Bennett … from centuries ago, and realizes that he is actually the Count.

Pete asks if he’s a vampire, because … wouldn’t you? He says, “Please, vampires are for gothic novels, and pre-adolescent girls.” He tells them that an alchemist used a stone to keep his body from aging, and he’s lived all these centuries as an expert on the 1700’s.

“A stake through the heart? Somewhere a petite brunette is laughing her ass off.”

They head off to the catacombs, where Bennett mentions Marie’s violet diamond, which is worth untold riches, and they enter the crypt. Myka and Pete see the ring, and when they walk over to retrieve it, Bennett grabs the diamond from the top of the coffin … tripping a trap Marie put in place, sending poison darts flying throughout the crypt.

They take cover, but Bennett saves Myka’s life by stepping into the line of fire. Sadly, a poison dart straight through the heart is the one thing that can kill someone granted immortality. The more you know.

Myka and Pete place the ring on the remaining stem of the Orchid, reversing the artifact juju, and pulling the ash back from around the world, reconstituting the Orchid, and setting everything right again. Well, except for the dead Professor.

Umm …

Back at the Warehouse, Artie is trying to come to terms with what happened, but it’s obviously going to take some time. Mrs. Fredric tells him, “Leena is gone, and you can’t fix that. But you can fix yourself if you want to. Luckily for you, there are many smart people in your life, who love you, they want to help you. We will get through this … together.”

But … that’s not the end. We get one more scene back in the crypt, so you know we’re in for a twist. Sure enough, Charlotte enters and tells the proxy Count in the coffin that he was a good man, and then she looks over to where Bennett … was, and there’s just a bloody dart on the floor. “Hundreds of years, he hasn’t changed at all. You’re in here, and my lying, cheating husband is once again out in the world. And with Marie’s diamond. But I have plans, too.”

That’s it! So the world is saved, and Artie is saved … but how much damage to him has been done, and will he ever be the same? And it seems that this season’s arc has been set up with the Count and his wife.

What did you think, and what do you hope to see this season … or half season?

BTW, if you’re a fan of the show (and if you’re reading this, obviously you are), make your voice heard to Syfy about renewing the show for Season Five!

And here are this week’s PETE FACES!

80's Pop Culture Expert, Shooting At The Walls Of Heartache.