We pick things up right where we left off. The Warehouse is destroyed, Steve, Mrs. Fredric and H.G. are dead, and Pete, Myka and Artie are standing amidst the ruins. Pete and Myka have quick flashbacks to happier times, but the enormity of what’s happened finally hits.
“But … who will I have subtext with now?”
“They make me keep my shirt on this episode.”
Thankfully, Artie still has James MacPherson’s Pocket Watch, which should mean he can turn back time, (or at the very least get some ooh’s and aah’s on Antiques Roadshow), but Artie explains that the watch is only the key to what might be a fail safe device for the Warehouse.
It gets worse, though, when Artie realizes that the explosion has ripped apart the supposedly impenetrable (something-something) chamber, and the artifact inside has been compromised. Rushing back to Leena’s, they find out that Mrs. Fredric bit the dust … literally, and Artie explains that she and the Warehouse were organically linked, and when the Warehouse was destroyed, so was she. The agents bicker back and forth about what to do, with everyone (except Myka, who is always the Debbie Downer) convinced that their only hope is the watch.
“As long as there’s a chance I can see my BFF again. Or his identical twin.”
Unfortunately, Artie isn’t even sure how the watch is used, and doesn’t know what the “downside” (every artifact has one) is, but he realizes they have no choice when he turns on the TV and sees a horrifying vision … Ed Schultz, who is yakking about financial meltdowns, worldwide riots and sad people.
Stay tuned for Rachel Maddow on Alphas.
Artie explains that the destruction of the Warehouse has affected more than just Pete’s porn collection. You see, inside that impenetrable (something-something) chamber was an artifact with the potential to destroy the world. Pandora’s Box!
“I’m unleashed, bitches!”
For those unfamiliar with Pandora’s Box, Myka helpfully explains, “And on the bottom of Pandora’s Box, all that remained was hope,” Claudia adds, “So when the Warehouse was destroyed,” and Artie finishes, “The world lost hope.” Pete would have responded, but he was convinced it was just one of his porn DVD’s.
They closely examine the watch, and Myka recognizes the Portuguese words for “push the button,” which is the crappiest secret code i’ve ever seen. Artie pushes the button and the watch is transformed into a stopwatch … and it’s counting down from 23 hrs. What happens next is hard to explain, so I’ll let the characters do it.
Artie: “It started counting down the moment the Warehouse was destroyed, and this is all the time we have left.”
Claudia: “Left til what?”
Myka: “Well, whatever this fail safe is, maybe we have to use it within the next 23 hours!”
Artie: “And maybe when we find that fail safe, that’ll buy us back 24 hours”
Claudia: “Okay, so we have around 23 hours to find this whatever the hell it is … and it’s anywhere in the world?”
“I like beavers. I’ll take Canada”
*Actual Pete Quote
Artie opens the back of the watch and finds a clue … embedded Black Diamonds. My first thought was “Bizarro World Elizabeth Taylor,” which proves how awful I am at detective work, but Artie knows immediately what to do, and the gang rushes outside. Artie calls back the Long Distance Football ball, a mysterious object that has been seen a few times since the show’s very first episode, but we’ve never known what it’s purpose is, til now.
Artie opens the football ball and reveals a mini-computer, and we learn that it’s an artifact tracker, and circles the world collecting information. It’s also the only resource they have left to help them in their quest.
Sadly, “Lattimering” never caught on
With the help of the football ball, they discover that they have to go to France to seek out the Brotherhood Of The Knights Of The Black Diamond, who may hold the key to using the pocketwatch. Claudia refuses to go, saying, “It’s too late. We’re never going to get there in time, are we?” Artie responds, “To go back in time far enough to save Steve.” Claudia smiles and tells them, “I’m taking the Johann Maelzel Metronome. I’m bringing him back.”
The others try to convince her that she would only be bringing Steve back into a world without hope, and they need her help to save the warehouse … and the world. She finally agrees, but issues a fierce and rather foreboding warning to Artie: “Don’t think this is over. I will remember what I have to do, and nothing will stop me from doing it.”
Have I mentioned how much Claudia rocks?
They head to France and make their way into the super secret headquarters, and while Claudia and Artie investigate, Pete tries to distract the guards … the Pete way. He concocts a story about wanting shrooms, and then compliments the giant sentry on his buff body … before headbutting him, and he and Myka take down the other guards while Claudia and Artie slip past. Like i said … the Pete way.
“Not gay, but open-minded.”
*Actual Pete Quote
Claudia and Artie make their way to the cellar, find a hidden crawlspace, retrieve the artifact, and in the space of two minutes Claudia manages to reference both Winnie The Pooh and Galaxy Quest. The artifact is Magellan’s … Astroglide? I couldn’t understand what Artie was saying and actually had to look online. It’s an astrolabe, which is some doohickey that ancient sailors used to do stuff, and as an artifact, Artie is convinced it’s somehow the fail safe that will erase 24 hours of time. Unfortunately, it’s missing a piece.
Claudia heads back into the crawlspace to find it, but comes up empty, and as she’s making her way back out we’re introduced to this episode’s special guest star, Brent Spiner, who plays the head Templar guy, and tells Artie that he must put the astrolabe back, or his henchman will go medieval on him … and he means it literally.
Officially the 27th Trek actor to guest star.
A tesla gunfight ensues, and the Templar head and henchman are knocked out, but not before a switch is released and Claudia is walled up in the crawlspace. Pete, Myka, and Artie contact Leena and they try to figure out what the next step is, and eventually conclude that the final piece of the puzzle is underneath the Vatican.
Pete and Myka offer to stay with Claudia, but she insists they leave her behind to complete the mission. After all, if they succeed, time will be reversed and she will never have been entombed. And if they don’t succeed, hey, they’re cutting out the middleman with her funeral!
“Don’t think I can’t glower at you from here, Artie!”
It turns out the Vatican is in Rome, so the trio heads there for the final leg. Unfortunately, Pandora’s Box is causing riots in the streets, and they can’t get access to the tunnel leading to the Vatican, so Myka sacrifices herself as a distraction by shit-kicking some Italian cops, giving Pete and Artie time to make their way through.
The two guys wind through the catacombs until they find the entrance to where the final piece is stored, but the Templar head and his henchmen are waiting in ambush. Pete takes out Data, but then collapses into Artie’s arms … mortally wounded.
“Tell the guys … at AfterElton … I don’t think … I’ll be making … next year’s … Hot 100″
As Pete dies, Artie vows to set things right. He contacts Leena and tells her that he’s put the astrolabe together and is ready to use it. She tells him that when he goes back in time to before the bomb exploded, he should look for Gandhi’s … baby blanket or … something like that. It’s imbued with pure peace, and is his best bet to counteract the bomb.
Before Artie pushes the button, the dying Templar head uses his last breath to plead with Artie, and issues this dire warning:
“If you do this, you can tell no one! Anyone you tell of your actions will be in grave danger. If you use the astrolabe, you will create an evil of your own making. An evil that will live you for the rest of your days!
So … what are you trying to say?
Unnerved but undaunted, Artie pushes the button, and time is reversed all the way back to before the bomb exploded, and H.G. was still alive. Artie tells her and Myka about the bomb in the wheelchair, which leads to confused looks between the women. Or is that … subtext?
I would make a Scissor Sisters joke, but that would be crass.
They find Ghandi’s Dhoti (it’s the traditional Indian man’s garment), and toss it over the bomb. But nothing happens. The bomb is still ticking down. That’s when they realize that the bomb is fueled by hatred, and they have to find the source of that hatred, Walter Sykes (returning guest star Anthony Michael Hall).
They track him down as Pete is about to dispose of him, and throw him to the ground and cover him with the Dhoti. The artifact works, and Sykes is rendered harmless, and then dies … as the bomb finally stops ticking.
“But all I wanted was to borrow Myka’s underpants for ten minutes”
With Sykes dead and the bomb diffused, the Warehouse returns to normal. Artie is making an impassioned case in defense of H.G. … without revealing why he’s defending her. He tells Mrs. Fredric and Regent Kosan that he thinks he’s earned a “Let’s just take Artie’s word for it this time,” and they finally agree. So it looks as though we’ll be seeing more of H.G. this season.
With that out of the way, Mrs. Fredric tells Artie that she knows something strange is going on, and asks him, “What have you done?” Later we see Artie stare at the astrolabe as Data’s words come back to haunt him, “You will create an evil of your own making,” and we witness Claudia leaving the house with a box. A box that looks just big enough to carry a … metronome.
Artie is having a nightmare about Claudia killing him with a Templar dagger, when Leena calls and tells him that Claudia has left in the middle of the night. As Artie stares off, Data’s other words come back to haunt him, “An evil that will live with you for the rest of your days!”
Did I mention how much Claudia rocks?
So that’s the premiere. I thought it was terrific, and a great setup for Season Four. There are so many questions about what lies ahead, about Artie’s dilemma, about the ramifications of turning back time, and of course, the burning question … will Steve return? And if he does … will he be the same, or all Pet Semetary?
What did you think?