After last week’s single story, we’re back to ’A” and “B” storylines, with Pete and Myka taking the latter as they investigate cuddly baby Cthulhus, but the main thrust is about Claudia, so we’ll take a look at her reanimation attempt first. Reanimation … Cthulthu … the entire episode is a loving tribute to horror icon H.P. Lovecraft .. or maybe I’m reading too much into it.
“The universe hasn’t been this unsettled since I banged Tasha Yar”
We start with Brother Adrian (Brent Spiner) paying a visit to a visibly shaken Artie, who is the only one who has any memory of last week’s “around the world in a day” adventure. Adrian tells Artie that a very dangerous artifact has been stolen from the Vatican and it must be retrieved before unspeakable evil is unleashed.
It takes every ounce of strength for Artie not to shout out “ASTROLABE!,” but he manages to maintain composure, even when Adrian tells him that the person who used the astrolabe must undo what he has done, and set time back to normal, which is the only way the evil will be eradicated.
This isn’t helping Artie’s peptic ulcer.
Meanwhile, Claudia is in full kick-ass Claudia mode.
Claudia has come up with a plan to make her way into the Regent Headquarters, and it involves strapping on Come-F*ck-With-Me-I-Dare-You Heels, and dressing up like Red Sonja escaping from the Lair Of The White Worm. She looks hot and fierce, and cons her way past one guard while tesla zapping another … before she’s stopped by Artie, who tells her that the jig is up, but her previous scene has now made her a shoo-in for next year’s AfterEllen Hot 100.
Claudia argues with Artie about using the metronome to bring Steve back, but she insists she’s not doing it out of selfishness, and that Steve deserves it, and “If you could use an artifact to set something right, to undo a huge stupid tragedy … wouldn’t you do it?” It takes every ounce of strength for Artie not to shout out “ASTROLABE!,” but he manages to maintain composure, and he tells her that he’s not going to let her be seduced by an artifact, because it’s just a road to destruction … and where the hell is the goddam Pepto-Bismol?
Fortunately for Artie, Jane walks through the door and announces that the Regents have made a decision. Phew, reason is restored. Yep, the Regents have decided that … Claudia can bring Steve back. Wait .. what?
Artie walks away in disgust, but Claudia thanks Jane, and says “I know I’m putting my career on the line.” Jane corrects her with, “No, you’re putting your life on the line. Are you absolutely sure?” Claudia has no doubts, and Jane makes the arrangements. Woo-hoo, lets resurrect a gaygent!
“I know I’m taking a gamble trusting you, but you remind me of another nubile young woman with slicked-back hair. You don’t own a … silver catsuit by any chance, do you?”
Corpse Steve is creepily laid out on Claudia’s bed, his skin the same color as the Meatloaf Surprise in the AfterElton commissary. Claudia want to go it alone, but Jane insists that she’s going to need her help to walk through the process. She instructs Claudia to put one hand on Steve’s heart, and the other hand on the metronome, and concentrate on picturing his face and eyes … but before they were all rolled back and everything.
Fifty Shades Of Gay
Steve’s resurrection is the best scene of the episode, with Claudia frustrated that it’s taking so long (jeez, Claudia, it’s not like he’s rebooting), and Jane ordering her to be patient and concentrate. Steve finally gasps for air, startling Claudia enough that she takes her hand off the metronome, which apparently is a bad thing.
Claudia starts gasping as well, prompting Jane to scream at her to breathe, dammit, and put her hand back. Claudia has a white light vision of Steve with his back to her as she silently yells towards him. Jane tells her that he has to be the one to come to her, and slowly Steve turns around and walks through the white light toward her.
As he does, we see Corpse Steve regain his color, and then open his eyes. It worked! Claudia embraces him, and we’ve got our gaygent back! This is great news, and nothing could possibly spoil it!
Sure enough, Adrian and Artie are discussing the astrolabe evil, but Artie wants specifics. Is it moderately evil, super size evil, or Sam’s Club bulk size evil? Adrian tells him, “It’s an unimaginable evil unique to the user. Nothing he can anticipate, but something that will cut through his heart … like a dagger.” Artie has a flashback to his vision of Claudia cutting through his heart with a dagger … but I’m sure it’s not related.
Artie tells Adrian that he’s looked everywhere and can’t find anything about this kind of evil being unleashed, and asks him if it’s possible that it can be triggered by a resurrection. Possibly of an … I don’t know … cute Canadian?
Adrian says that anything is possible, but the evil manifests itself differently each time the astrolabe is used. For instance, it was used to start the Reign Of Terror during the French Revolution, and more recently was responsible for bringing The A-List: New York to television. Artie gasps in horror, and Adrian tells him that the only way to stop the evil from being created is to stop the effect of the astrolabe.
“I think I need to borrow Artie’s Gaviscon”
Claudia and Steve are having a happy reunion, until Steve starts asking questions about, well … what happened. Being a human lie detector, he can tell that Claudia isn’t being forthcoming, and when he spots the metronome, the metronome case, the metronome dust on Claudia’s fingers, and the warehouse instruction book How To Use The Metronome To Bring Back Your Gay BFF, he puts the pieces of the puzzle together, and realizes what Claudia did. She tries to explain, but he runs out.
Leena’s Dead & Breakfast
Claudia finds Steve sitting in Leena’s patio for the forlorn, struggling to come to terms with what’s happened.
“Dude, I’m not a Buddha. I’m Pete’s Shemp statue”
Steve tells her, “Dead. I was dead!,” and Claudia says, “You know, a lot of people experience clinical death for a few minutes.” When Steve asks her how many minutes he was gone, she replies, “4,320.” 4,320 minutes … How do you measure three days without life? In rigor mortis, discoloration, embalming and urns of ashes …
Anyway … Steve is not amused, but Claudia refuses to apologize for bringing him back. “Maybe it was completely selfish of me. Maybe I ruined your karma, or put a kink in your plan to achieve enlightenment and come back as a butterfly, or whatever Buddhists do. Maybe I’ve upset the whole cosmos, I don’t care. I would do it all again. I really hope you can forgive me, but it’s okay if you can’t. The world is a better place with you in it, Jinksy … my world is, anyway.”
Claudia gets up to walk away, but Steve tells her that the whole thing is weird, and it’s just going to take some time. Claudia smiles and says, “I totally get it. And if you change your mind and want to become a butterfly, we can always stop the metronome.” Steve responds “let’s not rush into everything.”
Ann Coulter: Through The Years
Pete and Myka’s B story finally brought one of my favorite mythical creatures to Warehouse 13, as the duo investigate attacks on seemingly innocent people who appear as … Cthulhu!
Cute nerds attack one of their friends in a diner, as other customers join in, convinced they see a tentacled monster in his place. Later, a dentist is thrown out of his office to his death by patients who see another slimy illusion. What could be causing these mass hallucinations, and can it be traced to an artifact?
As they investigate a third attack, they discover that the victim momentarily touched a silver key, which turns out was Lovecraft’s “Key To The Gate Of Dreams,” and the man responsible for using the artifact was seeking revenge on the people who ignored his cries for help years earlier as his wife lay dying after a stadium riot.
They track him down, but not before he uses the key on Pete, forcing Myka to shield Cthulhu Pete from terrified onlookers. She’s able to wrestle the key away and snag and bag it just as the mob is ready to pummel her partner. With the artifact secured and Pete back to
normal Pete, the man is arrested … but I’m not exactly sure what he can be charged with.
“Yes, he may be a mean cream mother from outer space, but he’s my partner!”
With Steve alive and kicking, and the Cthulhu mystery solved, everything is back to normal and it’s business as usual at Warehouse 13!
Unfortunately, Regent Kosan has arrived to get answers. Claudia explains that she got permission to bring Steve back from Jane, who … sort of forgot to get permission from anyone else. jane decided to go it alone because Steve saved the world and didn’t deserve his fate. Kosan tells Jane, “Dammit, you can’t let guilt rule your decisions. That’s how people get stuck in the Delta Quadrant!”
But what’s done is done, and Kosan explains that now that Steve is back, he’s more or less a prisoner of the Regents, and will be constantly monitored for any unusual activity that could point to whatever the downside of the metronome is, and they’re more than willing to … put an end to it at a moment’s notice. But aside from that, they’re glad he’s back!
Let’s just enjoy the moment
With the slo-mo happy reunion taking place, Artie receives a message that an artifact has been detected … a stabby artifact!
A-Ha! And it was Colonel Mustard in the Study!
Okay, it’s clear that this season is going to be darker than previous seasons. But I’m thrilled that Steve is back, and look forward to see what they have in store for him. Last season, the metronome controlled Marcus was indestructible, so I wonder if they’re going to test that out with Steve. And what exactly is the downside to the metronome? And what is the evil that Artie has unleashed?
What do you think?