“Warehouse 13” Episode 405 Recap: No Pain, No Gain


This week’s episode has the rare distinction of having A,B, and C stories, with Artie teaming up with Steve, Mrs. Fredric mentoring Claudia, and Pete and Myka … facing an unplanned pregnancy?

But let’s start at the beginning …

“What do you mean we just fulfilled someone’s Mothra fantasy?”

After a nifty opening involving magic pinwheels, glowing briefcases, and Claudia and Myka as geisha girls, we get down to business.

Artie orders Myka and Pete to Toronto (saving a bundle on traveling expenses) to check out a hockey player who mysteriously has his injuries healed during home games. There may be artifact juju involved. They enlist the help of the team owner, who is a dead ringer for Matthew Perry on that show he did about a guy who owned a hockey rink or something.

“Could I BE more similar?”

They meet the hockey player (Mike, played by Canadian actor Mike Dopud), who Myka takes an instant attraction/revulsion to. They spray down all of his personal effects, including the gold chain around his neck and his “penis guard,” but are stymied. Until they take a look at his x-rays, and discover that, as Pete puts it, “his arm is being held together with the artifact equivalent of spit and glue,” Not just his arm, but his entire body, and when they see that a shower fight has left him in pain, they realize that it’s likely that he’s not using an artifact, but an artifact is being used against him.

“He’s naked in there, and besides, I already checked his chain.”
*Actual Myka Quote

Before they set out to find the real culprit, Myka realizes she has a spark with Mike when he mention’s Mozart’s Magic Flute, prompting this classic Pete-ism: “Could we get going? You can play Mike’s magic flute later.” Actually this episode if heavy on the Pete-isms and one liners. As they’re leaving, he drops this gem: “Get me some popcorn and a tampon because I am watching a romantic comedy.” At least he’s figured out his role, because he does a pretty good snap-in-the-air as Myka’s RomCom “sassy best friend.”

“That pervy recapper Googled me to see if I had ever done any nude scenes.”

“OMG, what mother said about public toilet seats is true!”

Pete and Myka arrange an exhibition for Mike’s greatest fans, hoping to catch someone in the artifact act when he fakes an injury. As Myka and Mike share a good luck kiss, Pete is searching purses for anything that resembles an artifact, and as he holds a woman’s key chain in his hands, he notices a cute kid staring at him. Moments later, Myka cries out in pain and lumbers to the restroom.

When most people leave bathroom stalls, they’re a little bit lighter, but Myka exits noticeably heavier. She’s about to drop a kid any minute. Obviously distraught and incontinent, Myka phones Artie, who tells her that they’re most likely looking for some kind of “wish-fulfillment” artifact.That’s how the crazed fan was able to heal Mike, But who would have wished for Myka to be pregnant?

A sheepish Pete admits it was him. He held the artifact in his hand when he saw the cute kid, and a part of him wondered if he’d ever have kids, and then he thought about Myka, and how her biological clock was on fast forward, and how she got a call from her pregnant younger sister that morning, and how Myka was the only one who could understand his insane life, because she shared it, and the wish kind of … happened.

“Yes, I am a Michelle Bachmann supporter. Why do you ask?”

They track down the fanatic and discover that the artifact is dog tags from her grandfather, which were imbued with juju when he helped will his friend to make it through the Bataan Death March. Now she’s using them to help Mike mend his injuries, and she finally goes completely off the deep end and kidnaps him, hoping that he’ll fall in love with her. Although … I’m not sure why she doesn’t just say, “I wish for you to fall in love with me,” unless the wish only affects bodies physically and not emotionally. That part was a bit sketchy.

Pete and Myka are able to find the fan, and when she wishes Pete’s lungs to collapse and for him to stop breathing, he falls to the ground. She checks for a pulse, allowing Myka time to Tesla her unconscious, and Pete reveals that he was faking his injuries. They tag and bag the dogtogs, and Mike is safe.

So why didn’t the dogtags work to kill Pete? They surmise that the wish only works on someone you love, which is why the grandfather was able to whammy his best friend, the loon was able to whammy Mike, and … Pete was able to wish Myka pregnant. Aww! Pete just admitted that he loves Myka. But not in a Moonlighting show-killing kind of way.

The A story ends with a wistful Pete staring at a dad and his newborn, as Myka looks on.

“I’m pretty sure they sell sports jerseys in baby sizes.”

Meanwhile, Artie and Steve are having an adventure of their own. Artie mentions having to do routine inventory, but of course, Steve can tell that he’s lying. He follows Artie to the bowels of the warehouse and confronts him. Artie admits that artifacts are missing, and he’s trying to track them down.

It turns out that the missing artifacts were all originally nabbed by Artie, and hold a special meaning to him. So now that the cat is our of the bag, Steve helps Artie on his Warehouse search, and they discover that quite a few artifacts are gone, with no way to locate them. Unless … Artie rushes over to discover that the McCoy Rifle is missing, which means they can use the Hatfield Rifle to track it down. But first Steve needs to catch his breath. Jeez, can’t a gay get a V-8?

“If you’re trying to kill me, you’re too late.”
*Actual Steve Quote

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Artie and Steve are driving the LUXURIOUS BUT ENERGY EFFICIENT PRIUS, and Artie tells Steve that when Claudia finds out that he took the car out, she’s going to rake him over the coals. Steve says, “The joke will be on her, then.” Ha!

They track the McCoy rifle down, but the Hatfield rifle immediately starts acting like a magnet, drawing Steve over, and then both guns start shooting at each other. Steve manages to escape unscathed, but when Artie says, “don’t worry, the metronome will keep you from being hurt,” Steve says, “Yes, but not Claudia.” Artie demands to know what he means, and Steve spills the beans about him and Claudia being connected. Artie delivers these comforting words: “We have to get you off that metronome,” and when Steve tells him he doesn’t think there’s any way to do it, Artie responds, “This is Warehouse 13, anything is possible.” Yay! So Steve still has a chance.

They find the artifacts that have been stolen, but Steve points to some shipping supplies, and they realize that some artifacts are still missing.

“We’re in Minneapolis. Let’s proceed outside and throw our hats into the air.”

In what was the most affecting storyline of the episode, Claudia has been summoned to lunch by Mrs. Fredric, who is obviously grooming her take over as caretaker someday.

They stroll through Minneapolis, and Mrs. Fredric tells Claudia to focus her senses. Does she sense anything unusual? Claudia is drawn to a woman shopping in a jewelry store, and as she watches from outside the window, something extraordinary happens. A thief runs into the store waving a gun around, and when he panics and shoots, the woman runs in front of a baby carrier and takes the bullet, saving the baby. She survives the injury, but as Claudia observes, the woman’s bracelet begins to emit that unmistakable whammy juju glow.

Claudia realizes that she just witnessed the birth of an artifact, and Mrs. Fredric explains that an artifact doesn’t have to be associated with a “bold-faced name with a Wikipedia entry,” but an artifact is simply “a meeting of an object, a person, and a moment.”

There’s one more thing Mrs. Fredric wants to show her, and it’s the best scene of the episode. She takes her to a retirement home, where an elderly man is painting. Mrs. Fredric smiles at him, and Claudia asks, “Mr. Fredric?” Mrs. Fredric says yes … he’s her grandson. Claudia says, “So your son …” and Mrs. Fredric tells her “long gone,” and as she walks up to embrace her grandson, she turns around and smiles and says, “Not all wonder is endless.”

Well, Mrs. Fredric has given Claudia a glimpse of what her life will be like as caretaker. And Artie is now the second person to know of the metronome downside. When will Steve tell Claudia? And can Steve find a way to counteract the metronome? Artie had some welcome words of encouragement.

We’re going to have couple of regular features in these recaps from now on, starting with … Pete Faces!

And we also may have an occasional Accidentally Inappropriate Pic Of the Week. I think this will suffice.

What did you think of this week’s episode?

80's Pop Culture Expert, Shooting At The Walls Of Heartache.