It’s been a long, strange trip for Steve Jinks. Murdered by Rusty Griswold, he was brought back to life by Claudia, only to have his new existence threatened at every turn by the artifact she used, Johann Maelzel’s Metronome. If the inverted pendulum thingy on the metronome stops, so does Steve’s heart (so it’s probably a good thing that the pendulum is self-powered. I’d hate to have to frantically fumble around trying to find fresh double A batteries while Steve is gasping for air).
Not only that, but the downside of the artifact is that Claudia can feel Steve’s pain (and not in a Counselor Troi way), so they’re both in constant extreme danger, which really isn’t conducive to being a Warehouse Agent.
Happily, that arc comes to an end with this episode, which also sees Artie triple-teamed by Helena, Mrs. Fredric and Leena. Pray for him.
This probably won’t be the Warehouse 13 Christmas Card
Steve and Claudia want to talk to Artie about Adrian, and when Claudia asks “What does this brother want you to do? Convert?,” Steve quips, “Don’t shave your head, that’s not a good look for you.” Artie comes back with one of the lines of the night, “You either.”
“Dude, you just got burned by … Artie.”
Artie tells them they have bigger fish to fry, like getting Steve off the metronome. Artie walks over to his metal file cabinet and pounds on the top to get the bottom drawer to open … which houses the metronome. That’s right, Steve’s life-giving and life-taking metronome is being kept, not in a Regent vault like we thought, but in Artie’s battered and ancient file cabinet, which I’m pretty sure I saw in an old episode of Lou Grant. Steve gazes in astonishment, and says, “So you keep the metronome in there. How comforting.”
Steve asks Artie if he’s heard back from Germany, and Artie tells him, “Yes, one of the descendants of Robert Schumann, the composer, confirms that he owned the metronome back in the 1830’s.” Claudia interrupts, freaking out that they don’t even know the risks of trying to use this info, and Steve says “I thought you wanted this too?” Claudia tells him, “Yeah, I want the version where you don’t die again. What’s the big rush?” Steve responds by yanking out a nose hair. A wincing Claudia says, “Okay, I get your point.
Schumann tried to kill himself, but his fiance Clara Somechick kept him alive via the metronome … which also drove him insane. in 1829 Schumann got free from the metronome, and wrote, “To live free of this heart, one must first find one’s own, and make a pure start, from whence one comes.” Steve immediately wonders “From whence one comes? New Jersey?,” which I’m sure is the first thing all of us thought. Claudia adds, “It probably means where you were born. You were born at home, right?” Artie says, “See? It’s a riddle. Go solve it.” He orders them to leave “before Steve goes insane,” but from Steve’s reaction, it looks like he’d prefer that to going home.
Actually, that’s not far off the mark. The last thing Steve wants to do is visit his mother, with whom he had a falling out two years prior. Claudia doesn’t get the animosity, especiall when Steve’s mom turns out to be loving and sweet, and delighted to see her son again.
Best of all, she’s played by the faboo Laura Innes, who has had a long and storied career (including a 12-year stint as lesbian doctor Kerry Weaver on ER), but to me will always be Jody Nolastname in Brian DePalma’s underrated follow-up to Carrie, The Fury (the one with with a mubile (male nubile) Andrew Stevens and tragically permed Amy Irving making John Cassavetes explode).
“I’m a multiple Emmy nominee, and this recapper references my Dorothy Hamill ’do.”
Steve learns that his mother threw away his old stash of Inches and Blueboy
Steve won’t tell Claudia why he’s been avoiding his mom, only that they had a fight over something. Claudia asks if it’s “the gay thing,” and Steve says, “No, she doesn’t care about that. This is New Jersey, not North Carolina.” It turns out that the falling out was because of Steve’s oft-mentioned dead sister Olivia Jinks, which is not a bad drag name, actually. I can totally picture Ru commanding, “Olivia Jinks … Shante, You Stay.”
Sadly, Olivia sashayed away … into the light, having been murdered. Steve has never been able to forgive his mother for derailing the plans the give the killer the death penalty. But she tries telling him that it’s what Olivia would want, and Steve is so filled with rage and hatred that it’s blinded him, and that while she thinks of Olivia every day, he thinks of the killer every day, and that’s why he has much anger.
After Steve has it out with his mom initially, he and Claudia rather naively believe that they’ve solved the riddle of the metronome … because, hey, Steve came home. They stop the metronome, which of course nearly kills both of them, and they realize there’s more work to go. So Steve and his mom go at it again, this time with tears and hugs and forgiveness, and they decide to finally hug it out, along with Claudia … oh, and the metronome.
This leads to a frantic, tense scene, as Steve’s mom touches the metronome, and starts to gasp for air, as the whammy juju starts transferring to her. As she wheezes her last breath, Claudia is at a loss at what to do, and a desperate and furious Steve picks up the metronome and slams it against the fireplace, shattering it into bits, and causing a surge of artifact energy to envelop the room.
Steve’s mom starts breathing normally again … and oh yeah, Steve is still alive. The spell of the metronome has been broken. Claudia helpfully tries to explain with a lot of exposition about making a fresh start with pure hearts and being ready to learn about the power of love or something, but the important thing is that Steve is still alive, and doesn’t have to worry about the metronome, or hurting Claudia anymore.
Here’s your “Aww!” moment of the week.
Meanwhile, Mrs. Fredric pays Artie a visit, and wants answers. Along with her is Leena and Helena, who tells him that both of the others now know of her suspicions … that Artie used Magellan’s Astrolabe. Artie finally admits to it, and when Mrs. Fredric asks how he could use such a dangerous artifact, he explains about the destruction of the Warehouse, and how Helena and Mrs. Fredric died, and Pandora’s Box was opened. and all hope was lost. Mr’s Fredric understands, and admits that she would have done the same thing, but wants to know what the repercussions are.
Artie explains about Brother Adrian and how he’s been stealing artifacts and making Artie’s life hell, and if Artie doesn’t reverse the effect of the astrolabe, he’ll be “Making an evil of his own doing.”
Right now Artie’s balls are the size of Lemonheads
Mrs. Fredric suggests that just maybe this “evil of his own doing” is actually Brother Adrian himself, which is a provocative idea, and would make sense. She also tells him that she and the Regents will contact the Order, and maybe there’s a way they can reason with them.
But what she doesn’t tell him is that she’s decided to confiscate the astrolabe, and give it to Helena for safekeeping. She tells H.G. to disappear with it, and don’t trust anyone, and if she needs to get a message to Helena, she’ll do it through hidden code in Myka/H.G. femslash. It shouldn’t be hard to find.
“I can’t believe those Glee bitches beat us!.”
Oh yeah, Pete and Myka do stuff, too. But frankly, their artifact retrieval story is a distant third this week to Steve and Artie’s tense and more urgent stories.
They have to travel to West Virginia to investigate some steelworkers who are rusting. They have rust rashes and are coughing up rust, and they believe that the crooked owner of the mill is somehow involved. However, this theory falls apart when a woman who has never been to the mill also starts rusting. The agents try to find a connection between the victims, which eventually leads away from the mill and to a local gym, where we get a wonderfully gratuitous and unnecessary scene of Pete shirtless in a boxing ring, trying to get information from the locals.
They settle on a local Marine war hero named Cody, who has physically touched all of the victims, and they become convinced when they discover that Cody was injured when there was an explosion at the Baghdad History Museum, which was housing a collection of 7th Century spartan armor, which is said to be “imbued with their strength and defiance,” and oh, it was made of iron, which explains the rusting. The only problem is that the artifact is actually a piece of shrapnel … located next to Cody’s heart.
They find Cody, who has gone to the mill to confront the owner about his corrupt ways, but Pete gets in the middle of their fight, and ends being whammied by Cody’s artifact. As Pete starts rusting away, Myka has to find a way to goo the shrapnel. But how, since it’s inside of Cody, and can’t be removed? Myka says, “If the artifact can’t come to the goo, then the goo has to come to the artifact.” She fills a syringe with the goo, and goes all Pulp Fiction on Cody’s chest.
The goo neutralizes the artifact, and Cody returns to normal, as do all of the rusting victims.
So this episode was actually the most pivotal of the season … so far. Steve was weaned from the metronome, and didn’t have to sacrifice his life, as many feared. Artie’s dilemma is finally out in the open, but who knows what the ramifications are for him … and for everyone who knows the secret. There are only two episodes left in this half of the season, so we can probably expect some major upheaval in the next two weeks.
Here is your Accidentally Inappropriate Pic Of The Week.
And here are your Pete Faces!