I was afraid something like this was going to happen. A few weeks back, AE reader Fred commented:
“Has anyone else … … in the Warehouse, besides Artie, actually layed eyes on Fr. Adrian? Just speculating.”
And Miz Liz expanded on that with:
“Now that you mention it, Claudia and Steve only saw Brother Adrian from the waist down. I think this is a great theory, and not just because it works really well with my Twitter comment about Brother Adrian being the only evil thing unleashed by Artie. It does seem that he’s only appeared when Artie was on his own, and it would certainly explain how he was able to steal all those highly secure artifacts. And wouldn’t an evil unimaginable to Artie be that he’d be the one to bring down the warehouse and release its contents on the world?”
With Adrian constantly warning Artie he would be “creating an evil of his own doing,” it makes sense that the harbinger himself is that evil.
“Ha-Ha! I’m just a figment.”
We begin in the belly of the Warehouse, as Artie is trying to keep track of the artifacts that have been stolen, and once again, he’s visited by “Brother Adrian,” who again threatens him with “evil” and “destruction” if he doesn’t reverse the astrolabe.
Artie fights him off, and right before Pete and Myka come running to help, Adrian whispers in Artie’s ear that he will punish all of Artie’s loved ones, and this time Artie wouldn’t be able to stop him.
“… and that’s why Counselor Troi had her license revoked.”
As they agents investigate this latest “breach” in security, Claudia discovers that whoever sent off Alice’s Looking Glass also sent unknown artifacts to Yuma, Arizona, Colorado Springs, Colorado, and Menlo Park, California. AKA, where Pete’s ex-wife, Myka’s sister, and Claudia’s hot brother are located. I was so hoping that Dr. Vanessa would be involved so we could see “Ojai, California” pop up, but I’m guessing Max The Bionic Dog is now just dust and circuits somewhere.
Each of the agents leave to save their loved ones before the mysterious artifacts can kill them, leaving Artie alone in the Warehouse with … Leena. I guess Leena doesn’t have loved ones anywhere in the world to threaten. If I were her, I’d be insulted. Come to think of it, in all the time the show has been on the air, we’ve never learned that much about Leena’s history and background (hell, it was only recently that I discovered that her full name is not, in fact, Leena Sbedandbreakfast), and she remains the most mysterious (albeit perky) of the warehouse personnel.
Celebrate The Moments Of Your Life
Let’s start with Myka, who heads off to Colorado to see her sister Tracy, with whom she has a friendly/strained/competitive/distant kind of relationship. Tracy is pregnant and has been showered with baby gifts … any of which could be an artifact. As Myka tries to surreptitiously (but clumsily) find the object, Tracy tries various ways to murder her, which i’m pretty sure is artifact related. Then again … they are sisters.
It inevitably ends with Tracy pulling out a butcher knife, Myka trying to disarm her, and the sisters hashing out a lifetime of resentment while trying not to be killed. It also leads to my favorite line of the night, when Tracy grabs Myka by her oft-discussed tresses, and Myka screams out, “My Hair!” Tracy responds with “You and your hair! ’I like it curly. I like it straight’ Make a decision!” Considering how many forum posts are dedicated to that very argument, it’s obviously a shoutout from TPTB.
With help from Pete, they discover that the artifact is a piece of old-timey cord used in a ribbon hat, and after they cut the cord, Tracy is freed from its spell.
“And don’t get me started on all that subtext teasing!”
“Pete … At least I can die knowing that my iconic subtext with your mother was way hotter than Myka./H.G. could ever be.”
Moving over to Pete, he arrives in Yuma to find that his ex-wife Amanda (returning guest-star Jeri Ryan) is running a fever after opening a leather box she received in the mail. The box is empty, however, so Pete is stumped as to what to do. The situation becomes dire when Amanda collapses and has to be hospitalized, as her temperature starts to soar. This leads to another great line when Pete calls Myka and tells her that Amanda is “super-hot,” and Myka responds, “Yes, Pete, I’ve met her, But if you could just set that aside for now …”
As Amanda starts dying, Pete notices a strange tattoo on her back. A strange, glowing tattoo. It turns out to be the logo for a famous Soviet terrorist widely considered to be the world’s first suicide bomber. If they don’t get the tattoo off Amanda soon … she’ll explode.
Luckily, Pete helps out by touching the tattoo, which transfers it to his body, requiring the need for … Pete shirtlessness!
As Pete’s temperature rises, the radiation alarm in the building goes off. Pete will explode soon if the tattoo isn’t removed. Amanda grabs a scalpel and is prepared to cut the tattoo off, but it keeps shifting places (as most tattoos do after a few years and pounds), and Pete realizes that only thing he can do to protect everyone is to find a safe place to explode. He locks himself in a blast chamber, and waits for the end to come.
Luckily, he gets one last call from Myka, who suggests that he try to transfer the tattoo back to the box. Pete throws it to the ground, presses his back on top of it, and the tattoo is successfully returned to the leather box. Pete bags the box, and he and Amanda share some flirty moments. I hope they find another way to bring Amanda back. Preferably … when Pete’s mom is around. C’mon, we all want to see it.
“In America, you remove tattoo. In Soviet Russia, tattoo remove you!”
Claudia has the easiest time of the three with her dilemma. She arrives in Menlo Park and discovers that her hot brother Joshua (who we haven’t seen since the second season, and is thankfully still played by Tyler Hynes) is completely encased in amber. Making matters worse is the fact that when Leena describes the possible artifact that’s been used (a tiny scroll), Claudia immediately sees it … in Joshua’s hand … which again, is completely encased in amber.
Scouring the internet, Claudia makes the decision to try the “hot and cold” approach. She fires up a blowtorch and heats up the amber around Joshua’s hand, then pours ice water on it, making it crack and splinter … then fall apart. Joshua’s hand is exposed, revealing the scroll, which Claudia bags. The artifact spell is broken, and the amber disintegrates around him, and the day is saved. But Claudia’s happiness is short-lived.
She explains about Brother Adrian, and why Josh got caught in the crossfire, but Josh doesn’t understand how he knew where to find him, because Claudia was the only person who knew. Well, Artie did too, of course, because he’s the one who set Josh up at Menlo Park, and … Claudia interrupts. “Artie knew you were here? He acted like it was a complete surprise. Like he never knew.” Josh admits that Artie was very abrupt about it, more so than usual. In fact … it didn’t even sound like him. Oh crap.
“So … the fans want me to hook up with this Steve friend of yours?”
“No one touches my purse.”
*Actual Mrs. Fredric quote
My favorite storyline of the episode was the pairing of Steve and Mrs. Fredric, who are dispatched to Rome to talk to the brotherhood. Once there, they make a shocking discovery … an openly gay man will not spontaneously combust upon entering The Vatican, and oh yeah, the Brotherhood is gone. An examination reveals moldy food and dust, and Mrs. Fredric deduces that the brothers did not go of their own free will.
They investigate the rooms, and when Steve suddenly disappears, Mrs. Fredric finds him … trapped in a painting with the Brothers.
Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, and Steve
Mrs. Fredric removes the painting from the frame, neutralizing the artifact. Steve is transported back to the room, where she explains that the frame was created by Rembrandt’s master framer, with wood from the Tree Of Life (I’m guessing the actual tree and not the Terrence Malick acid trip movie.) That’s why so many of Rembrandt’s painting look so “lifelike.” Once she removed the painting, the spell was broken.
She speculates that Adrian must have trapped the other Brothers inside the painting, then began his reign of terror. One by one, the other brothers start zapping out of the painting, each one royally pissed, forcing Steve to tesla them. Mrs. Fredric explains about Megellan’s astrolabe, and that Brother Adrian has gone rogue. They scoff at the very idea, then Steve notices that one more person is about to be zapped out of the painting.
It’s … Brother Adrian, he’s been trapped all along with the others, and has never stepped foot in this so-called “South Dakota.” Mrs. Fredric finally puts all of the pieces together and comes to a horrible realization. She calls Leena, who tells her that Artie is acting strange … talking to the air and shooting at nothing. Mrs. Fredric tells her that Artie has had some kind of psychotic break, and the Adrian that he’s been battling never really existed, and is a construct of his subconscious. We then get a montage of scenes with Artie speaking to Adrian, and then it’s revealed that in each situation, there was no one else there.
As Artie has his final meltdown, Mr’s Fredric orders Leena to get out of the Warehouse. Leena is lLena, though, and wants to help. After Artie finishes his whackadoodle dance, he suddenly is very calm and quiet. He says “The Dark Vault. It’s in The Dark Vault,” and approaches Leena, who looks horrified and says, “You’re … Who are you?” Artie says, “You’re in my way.” We then cut to Pete, who stops the car after having a “very bad vibe.” He tells Myka to call the Warehouse, but no one answers … or will answer.
Well …. maybe there’s another Metronome?
So is Leena really dead? And what does this mean for Artie? Next week is the final episode of the first half of the season (no more til April), so I’m sure there will be plenty of drama … and tears. What are your predictions?
Oh, and I’m totally serious about Joshua and Steve hooking up. It makes perfect sense.
Quote Of The Week: “Ewww! Sometimes this job can be so gross!”
And here are your Pete Faces!