“Warehouse 13” Parks and Rehabilitation


“And sure, he may suck the filling out of all the eclairs, but we’ve learned to live with it.”

We begin with a hearing held by the Grand High Regent Poobahs to decide Artie’s fate. Pete (who’s looking indescribably adorable all cleaned up in a suit), gives an impassioned speech about how the Warehouse couldn’t survive without Artie, and he helpfully provides some exposition about the whole Astrlolabe story.

He needn’t have worried, though, as the Regents have decided not to punish Artie. Leena knew the risks of working there, and they know there’s no way Artie would have done what he did if he wasn’t affected by an outside influence. Artie protests, wanting to be punished, but Regent Kosan tells him that his real punishment is going to be trying to live with what he’s done. Indeed, Artie hears that voice in his head intoning, “An evil that will live with you for the rest of your days.” Oh, f*ck off, Data.

You know Claudia is in serious mode when she wears her eggplant suit.

Meanwhile, Claudia (who’s rocking her Yvonne Craig as Barbara Gordon look) and Steve are relegated to the kid’s table version of the hearing, and is perplexed when the Regents don’t bring up the “I cast the evil out” moment she had with Artie.

Back at the Warehouse, Artie disappears into the stacks, and Myka and Pete decide the best course of action is to leave him alone for now. And Claudia has run off to the B&B, and seems to be avoiding the warehouse … or Artie. Myka is concerned, but Pete tells her “Like you’ve been saying, we just need to keep moving. Besides, I’m sure some scary artifact thing will come up before we can say ’ping'”.

This one will do.

Maybe posing for Zombie Garden Statue was not the best career move.

“I think I found a clue, Myka … I mean Claudia”

Pete and Claudia go to Cowan National Forest to investi … wait … Pete and Claudia? Yep, it’s another A&B Team switcheroo, which is good to see occasionally, but definitely changes the dynamic.

Pete brought Claudia hoping it would prove a distraction for her, and it certainly does. They discover the artifact buried body of a telecom guru named Linus who wanted to raze the forest to build cell phone towers, and incurred the wrath of eco-terrorists.

They get assistance from Ranger Smith (played by Patrick Flueger, who, nerd that I am, I instantly recognized as the star of The 4400, and I’m pretty sure I recall his bare ass from some movie he did), and a quick look online leads them to the environmental group Green First, led by Autumn (played by Emily Bergl, who, nerd that I am, I instantly recognized as the star of The Rage: Carrie 2. Oh Jason London, why couldn’t you have shown up sooner?). She seems them together and tells Claudia, ’It’s great to see people coming out to help with their dads.” OUCH. At first she’s furious that Linus got the government involved, but when she finds out he’s dead, she’s obviously shaken. Hmmm …

Formerly known as New Kids on The Blunt.

They use the guy’s buried cell phone to trace a call to a medical marijuana shop, where they find the dead, dirt covered body of the owner Jeff. They notice a logo has been placed at the scene, of two stick figures standing on top the world, and it’s the same logo they found at the first murder scene. A little research finds that it’s the logo of the hardcore eco group “Last People On Earth,” who disbanded ten years ago, but now appear to be back .. and perhaps with an artifact to do their dirty work.

At the abandoned forest hideout of the LPE, they discover more clues, including a quote from Thoreau. Their suspicions are raised, as they just heard another Thoreau quote … from Autumn. Could she have been a member of this radical group?

They get their answer when they arrive at her house and Pete gets a face full of pepper spray when they stop her from trying to flee. Se explains that she was a member of the LPE, as was Linus and Jeff, and now someone is trying to kill them … one by one.

Is it just me, or is Pete always one step away from a Darwin Award?

Blue Lantern! From the filmmakers who brought us Colonel America.

Autumn shows Claudia and Pete a picture of the members of LPE. There was her, the dead guys Linus and Jeff, and two others. Annie died of cancer, and Ryan was caught by the feds, took the rap for everyone, and died in prison. So she’s the only one left, and is convinced she’s about to be killed.

She tells them that the most likely suspect is Haddon Lockhart, who was the owner of the site that LPE firebombed, and unfortunately was injured in the explosion, giving him the perfect motive for revenge. Pete runs off to investigate Lockhart, leaving Claudia to guard Autumn … which she’ll soon need.

As Autumn and Claudia chat about Autumn’s history, we get the most interesting scene of this storyline. Actually, first Autumn reveals that ten years ago she had a stalking crush on Adam Duritz, but as she explains, “I made some bad decisions. I was young and stupid.” Okay, she was saying that to describe the terrorism … but it still fits.

As they bond over bad dreadlocks, Autumn tells Claudia that the LPE was the first time she felt that something she did mattered, and before that she never gave a thought to what might happen tomorrow. Claudia tells her, “I think about tomorrow all the time right now,” and tells her (without giving away the specifics) of what happened between her and Artie. She thought she was doing the right thing, but doesn’t know what to do about it now. Autumn tells her, “When I was your age I was a mess. Maybe everyone is a mess in their twenties, and you don’t get any do-overs. You just get older and figure things out as you go.”

They’re interrupted by a noise from the front room, and when they investigate, find … Ranger Smith, who’s holding the deadly artifact (a lantern that causes mini-quakes). It tuns out that he’s actually the brother of the late Ryan, and is seeking retribution, convinced that one of the members of LPE turned Ryan’s name into the Feds. He knocks Claudia out with the lantern, and kidnaps Autumn, and when Pete tries to get in the way, he buries him alive. Luckily, Claudia gets to him in time.

“I’ve got dirt in places dirt should never be.*
*Actual Pete Quote

Claudia and Pete track Autumn and Ranger Smith to Lockhart’s big construction site (and I’ve chosen to ignore the plugs for Prius and Bing enroute), and Tesla him before he can maim and destroy too much of the landscape. The lantern slips away, however, and Claudia has to perilously climb down the side of the mountain (using Pete’s “be careful, it’s Prada” belt) to retrieve it. They bag the lantern, which brings an end to Ranger Smith’s revenge plot.

Before they part ways, Autumn tells Claudia that she was the one who tipped the Feds to what Ryan was doing. He had become dangerous, and wanted to hurt people, “and it was the only thing I could think of. I loved him, and I stuck a knife in him.” Sadly, she doesn’t add, ’Do you have any idea what that’s like?” But Claudia does know, and reassures her that it was the only thing she could do under the circumstances. “You had no choice. You had to stop him. You had to save him.”

Autumn tells her that the biggest regret she has is that she wasn’t there for him afterwards. He told everyone to stay away, but she should have known that he needed her. That he needed all of them.

Sadly, she doesn’t add, ’Do you have any idea what that’s like?”

No caption necessary.

“So what should we do about the Artie situation, Pete … I mean Steve?”

Back at the Warehouse, Myka and Steve team up to keep an eye on Artie, and walk through the stacks until they find him … about to kill himself with a sword! Oh wait, he’s just doing some artifact-y realignment or something with it. He won’t go into specifics, but luckily Steve finds a piece of paper that explains it all. Leena’s List.

#15 – Die at the hands of Artie. CHECK!

Artie tells them that now that Leena is gone, he has to take over her duties. Both Claudia and Steve offer to help, but Artie will hear none of it, and putters off on his Segway. They finally track him down to Leena’s Super Secret Artifact Zen Hideout, which is something we’ve never seen before, and is the most intriguing part of the episode.

This is where Leena would come with artifacts and sit in the something-something spiral that originated in Warehouse 6. It reads the more difficult artifacts and determines the overpowering emotion behind their creation, so they can be shelved properly.

Take the porthole Artie is holding, for example. It’s from the dirigible Norge, which was the first to cross the North Pole. Pete and Claudia tagged and bagged it two years ago, and it’s time for it to find a home. Artie sits in the circle, and the juju determines that the emotion behind it is “Great Sorrow,” which Artie uses to fogure out which part of the Warehouse it should be shelved.

It’s all Greek to me.

Artie shelves the porthole, but all hell breaks loose almost immediately, as it obviously doesn’t care for its new home. The porthole causes other artifacts to go haywire, including Davinci’s Stone Gargoyle, which Leo must have constructed in between not having sexual relationships with other men, according to Starz.

When Artie, Claudia, and Steve try to investigate, they’re attacked by the mechanical monstrosity, leaving Steve with a nasty peck, and the three try to figure out their next step.

Everyone knows that a cloth tied around the right arm is the international gay sign for Into Big Peckers

Yep. It’s one of those days.

They manage to destroy the flying gargoyle using piano cord, electricity, and oh yeah, Steve as bait. But now they have to figure out how the porthole got shelved in the wrong place. The circle told Artie “Great Sorrow,” but each time he runs the porthole through the process, it says something different, including “Misplaced Anger,” “Fear,” and “Regret About Killing Leena.” Okay, it doesn’t have that last one, but that’s what it boils down to.

Myka surmises that the reason it always worked for Leena was because of how calm and balanced she was. Artie is neither of those things at the moment, so the circle is not going to work for him.

Artie is devastated. How can he possibly do this job? Myka and Steve smile, and explain that he doesn’t have to do it alone. They can do it together. Steve takes the porthole, sits his serene ass in the circle, and they watch as it points to “Indescribable Beauty.” Yeah! Buddha, Bitches!

Now that the Warehouse is back to normal, sort of, Claudia and Artie decide to hug it out. She tells him, “I did what I had to do,” and he finally tells her, “Thank You.” We end with Artie sitting down to watch the video the Regents supplied, of a young Leena on camera, asserting that she understands the risks of working at the Warehouse. A tearful Artie tells her, “I’m so sorry.”

So Artie takes another step toward healing, but will he ever really be the same? It’ll be interesting to watch as the season progresses.

Here are your Pete faces!

80's Pop Culture Expert, Shooting At The Walls Of Heartache.