“Claudia, Your sister is alive.”
“Nick broke into the Warehouse and released someone called Paracelsus.”
“Paracelsus was Caretaker … of Warehouse 9.”
“He’s going to make himself immortal.”
“Bwa-ha-ha! Too late, Agent Lattimer!”
“Tell me how to use these things so I can save Myka.”
“Mrs. Fredric is no longer the Caretaker.”
“THIS IS MY HOUSE NOW!”
“I have to stay and fight Paracelsus. The Warehouse will protect me.”
We pick up right where we left off last year, with Artie, Pete, Steve, and Mrs. Fredric banished from the Warehouse, while Claudia confronts Paracelsus. He tries various ways to kill her, to no avail. As she helpfully explains “I’m part of the Warehouse, and it won’t let you hurt me.” Maybe that was a bit too helpful, as he realizes that since she is part of the Warehouse, and he controls the Warehouse … that means he can control her. Claudia realizes to her horror that she is at his command.
Even more horrifically, he uses Orville Wright’s Aviator Goggles to absorb all of the knowledge Claudia has about the Warehouse. And then some.
Meanwhile, Myka is being released From the hospital, and Pete is there to pick her up. He doesn’t mention that her miraculous recovery is due to his deal with the devil, but he does inquire about her lady parts … in his own Pete way.
Don’t ever change, Mr. Lattimer.
Pete fills her in on Paracelsus’ takeover, and when he mentions the force field shield surrounding the Warehouse, she immediately knows how it can be neutralized … because she’s Myka.
“Am I the only one who reads the Regents’ addendums to the manual? Okay, look, we know that the shield draws its power from the Alpha Centauri star system. After Sykes used the shield against us, the Regents installed a fail safe at the Ennis observatory. I redirected the laser scope from the Centauri system to Uranus.”
Myka may be brilliant, but she really should have chosen a different planet, as Uranus is one of those words that should never, ever be said around Pete.
After re-aligning the laser, they head back to the Warehouse, where Artie and Steve have been unsuccessfully attempting various Mythbusters-style experiments to remove the shield, each one resulting in Steve being tossed about the landscape. Myka explains that the shield is still visible, but because of the realignment, they can easily pass through it.
The gang are finally able to enter the Warehouse, and while Artie and Myka come up with a way to release control, Steve and Pete create a diversion, which sends Claudia after them, still forced to bend to Paracelsus’ will.
Armed with an arsenal, she chases the guys through the stacks, pausing occasionally to apologize. But there’s got to be a small part of her that’s always wanted to blast Pete with a bazooka for his corny jokes, and aim a rocket launcher at Steve because … well, every girl has wanted to aim a rocket launcher at her gay BFF for one reason or another.
Thankfully, Myka and Artie are able to wrest control of the Warehouse from Paracelsus (it’s a bit sketchy, but I think it had something to do with Johnny Cash and a “Burning ring of fire” or something, but that could be wrong). Claudia is back to normal, and she tells them of Para’s plan, which involves H.G. Wells Time Machine and three specific artifacts, a telescope, a pocketwatch, and a sundial.
Artie is able to deduce that Para is going back in time for nefarious reasons, but the gang is unable to stop him before he travels through the time portal. Seconds after he disappears, the Warehouse starts to change, becoming a high-tech, futuristic version of itself. Whatever Para wanted to do, he accomplished it, because the signs around the new Warehouse state that he has been the sole Caretaker of all of Warehouses since #9. Luckily, Artie gave the gang fork artifacts from Louis XIV, that are able to keep them from changing with the time shift.
They quickly realize that Para has turned the Warehouses into houses of horrors of scientific research and experimentation, using the artifacts on human test subjects. Steve, Myka, and Artie race off to try to create another time machine, while Claudia and Pete try to find the computer hub, which might tell them where Para traveled to in time.
They make a horrifying discovery (there are a lot of those this episode), when they notice some drone soldiers marching in lockstep through the corridors. They’re all fitted with the same mind-controlling doohickeys, which means that Para has been replicating artifacts to create an army of unstoppable super soldiers, or as Pete puts it, “Oh man, they have Borgs here? Why does the creepy killer’s Warehouse get to be cooler than ours?”
What’s worse, they observe Para’s main henchman, their old (and dead in their time frame) adversary Benedict Valda (Mark Sheppard), or as he’s better known …
The two teams both come across horrif … terrifying scenes. Myka, Artie, and Steve witness a man being tortured with artifacts (which reminds Artie of the stories about the camps during the war), and Pete and Claudia meet this time frame’s Abigail, who’s hooked up to wires and tubes, transformed into a human computer.
Claudia is able to pinpoint the exact date that Para time warped to, and meeting up with the others, they set the time machine and prepare to enter the portal. Artie provides a diversion by giving himself up to the guards, while Myka and Pete head through, as Claudia and Steve are tasked to make sure the portal stays open for their return.
Arriving back in 1541, Pete and Myka immediately run afoul of Warehouse 9 Agent Lisa Da Vinci (Rebecca Mader), who is the granddaughter of Leonardo, and blames them for the array of dead bodies strewn about.
Thanks to an artifact mirror that shows them recent events, Pete and Myka are able to convince Lisa that Para is responsible for all the death and destruction, and they head over to stop him before he can kill this time period’s Regents. They’re almost too late, as Para has used an elephant tusk to literally start squeezing the life out of the Warehouse 9 leaders.
Lisa is able to save the day when she blows a whistle, which calls this time period’s answer to purple goo … a giant purple bird named Isabella, who swoops down and grabs the tusk, neutralizing it. Wait … what? Pete and Myka give chase to Para.
Meanwhile, Artie is in the torture chair, with present day Para about to show him why this era has had so many scientific advances, and he brings in his special team of doctors to help … Vanessa and Hugo!
Vanessa and Hugo act nonchalant about their foray to the torture dark side, even as Artie tries to convince them that what they’re doing is wrong. As the doctors play to the cameras and do everything but shout “We love the leader,” Artie realizes that they’re being coerced into participating. Vanessa finally admits that Para has their children, and will kill them unless they cooperate.
Steve and Claudia hook up a stationary bike to keep the portal open … as long as Steve can keep the pedals going. Before she heads off to save Artie, she gives him some sound advice, which I think is going to be my life mantra going forward.
Pete gives chase to Para and manages to subdue him using the scalpel that was used to help save Myka’s life (something Myka overhears and will be discussed with Pete later), and drags him to the bronzer, which is good timing considering that present-day Para is about to off our Steve.
With old-timey Para bronzed, all of the time lines converge, and everyone is transported back to our time, and our good old cluttered Warehouse 13, as it should be.
EPILOGUE: Everything is returning is normal, except for a few minor nagging details. Mrs. Fredric is back in charge, but Abigail has orders to leave to meet the regents abroad, for something very hush-hush. And Claudia can’t shake this feeling that something … is about to change … both good and bad.
Myka gets the truth from Pete about what he had to do to save her life, and Claudia tells Artie she wants the truth about her sister.
Finally, Artie is a bit concerned that one of the Time Forks is missing, but shrugs it off. Yes, because what harm could come? Cut to Benedict Valda, with fork in hand, as he opens up his Warehouse Vault.
So … the Paracelsus threat is gone, maybe, but now we have Valda to contend with. That’s one of the questions that need to be answered quickly, as the show only has five episodes left, along with the mystery of Claudia’s sister, the strange “feeling” that she has (that’s rather ominous), and what will Steve’s relationship status be by the final episode?
What did you think of the return, and what do you hope to see before the show ends?