“Warehouse 13:” The Big Snag


“If she mentions how hot her brother is one more time …”

We get things started with the Warehouse’s own Wayland & Madam performing a reverse psychology skit in hopes of luring Artie back into the field to help get his mind off the dead Dead Leena, who’s dead.

It seems that classic cars are mysteriously vanishing from locked garages, but it’s probably just common thefts, right? Surely Artie wouldn’t be interested in investigating these simple burglaries? Even though the whole situation pings for an artifact, why bother?

Of course this goads Artie into action, and he agrees to go investigate … alone. This sends Claudia and Steve scrambling for excuses to accompany him, everything from “We want to see the cool hot rods, ” to “We want to learn with the master,” to “It’s what Dead Leena would want.” Okay, they don’t use that line, but they should definitely keep that Ace card for the right occasion.

There’s no caption I can think of that would not get me in trouble

The trio head to a suspicious car dealership, where they’re approached by a sales associate who enters about two minutes after her décolletage, and then they confront the dealership owner, whose agonizing Italian accent disappears when Artie uses the Tesla to destroy a potted plant, and threatens that the expensive cars will be next.

This garners a worried look from Steve. Hmmm ..

The owner spills everything he knows. He does have a guy who gets him any car he needs. He wires money into a Cayman account with car requests, and then he gets an anonymous e-mail telling him where to pick up his car. Claudia hacks into the guy’s computer and discovers that they can’t do anything until the phantom thief makes a withdrawal. But Jinksy has a plan. They instruct the owner to ask the thief for a specific make of car that’s only in town for tonight, and they’ll be waiting for him when he shows up. Unfortunately for Artie, that specific car is the new love of his life, “Scarlett.”

“And that ends the headlight demonstration.”

They place an ad for the thief to see, mentioning which garage the car will be held, and sure enough, the cloaked phantom arrives right on cue to steal Scarlett. Unfortunately, Claudia was in the middle of repairing a GPS tracker for the car, and in order not to be discovered, decides to slip into the trunk to finish. The thief drives off with the car (and Claudia), but not before Artie tries to … step in front of the speeding vehicle!

Luckily, the car passes right through him, and then passes right through the building wall. A-Ha! Obviously, that’s how the artifact works, and how the thief has been able to get the cars out of locked garages.

Wait a minute! Artie didn’t know that when he stepped in front of the car, so Steve wants to know what the hell he was thinking. Artie angrily responds, “No one else is going to die on my watch!”

This garners a worried look from Steve. Hmmm ..

Claudia gets the tracker to work, which leads Steve and Artie to the car, just in time to see Claudia duke it out with the Phantom Thief, who is the buxom salesperson from the dealership. The artifact is a pair of gloves that belonged to legendary Hollywood stunt driver Carey Loftin. He was known as a “one-take wonder,” always getting the stunt done on the first try, without damaging the car. Wearing the gloves allows the car the wearer is driving to be “untouchable,” but it only works once per car.

The thief escapes, but with only one glove, allowing Artie the chance to follow in hot pursuit, using the other glove. A good old-fashioned, 70’s style car chase happens, with Artie finally playing a game of chicken with the thief, and thankfully, winning.

Artie makes light of his death-defying stunt, saying, ’This wasn’t my first drag race,” and Claudia tries to convince herself that, hey, this was his first field mission in a while, and there were bound to be hiccups. But he’s fine … right?

This garners a worried look from Steve. Hmmm ..

Now that the artifact is back at the warehouse (presumably, we never see them actually snag, bag, and tag), life gets back to normal. Claudia goes to her room to cut more holes in her clothes, Artie tries to find a donut hole artifact, and Steve … is giving his report to Regent Kosan about Artie’s actions!

He tells the Regent that Artie’s behavior has put not only himself, but others at risk, and he’s concerned about him. Kosan thanks him for his candor and tells him that the Regents will handle this. Steve says, “When you asked me to keep an eye on Artie, you said it was to help him. We need to be there for him, not bronze him, or turn him into some kind of HG Wells hologram!” Kosan tells him, “The less you know, the better it will be for Agent Nielsen. Trust us.”

This garners a worried look from Steve. Hmmm ..

Myka and Pete’s adventure involves film noir and black & white, and they have a lot of fun with it. An accident with a jade elephant electric zappy artifact sends them into the pages of an unfinished 1940’s detective story, which they have to finish if they want to find any way to return home (and the jade elephant electric zappy artifact has been pulled into the story with them, so they’re dealing with two artifacts at the same time).

It’s a typical noir, see, with dames of all pedigrees, from the blond torch singer Lily (guest star Missi Pyle), to the bitter shrewish wife, to poor Myka, who has take backseat to gumshoe Pete as His Girl Friday.

The gents include the obligatory white-suited club owner Caspian Barnabas, who takes Myka and Pete prisoner, but underestimates Myka (because she’s just a girl), and sees his henchmen taken apart by her Black Widow-esque talents with a chair.

“This is why I don’t read!”
*Actual Pete Quote

The other main palooka comes as a shock, as it’s the story’s author Anthony Bishop (Enrico Colantoni), who’s trapped inside the story with them. Actually, it was the pain of losing his wife that created the juju behind the artifact, and when Myka and Pete explain that that they have to finish the story in order to escape, he refuses. He’s in love with Lily, and has made her in the image of his late wife, and doesn’t want to lose her again. He wasn’t able to save her in the real world, but he can keep her alive in the story.

“Remember doll, Never Give Up, Never Surrender!”

After a run-in with Shrewish Wife (in which Pete gets zapped, and has to be brought back to life by Myka), the final confrontation takes place, with Pete tumbling down steps (the 40’s have not been good to him), and Myka saving the day … and story, with an actual gun (which was a bit jarring to see, after so many years of Tesla use).

With the story completed, Anthony and Lily embark on their happily-ever-after, and Myka and Pete return to the Warehouse, where they see that the pages of the book are now finished. THE END.

As fun as the Myka/Pete story was, it was Steve who’s advancing the Artie plot. Obviously, this is a season-long arc, and it’s already becoming clear that Artie has a rough road ahead of him. But how will this affect his colleagues, and what do the Regents have planned? It’s never a good sign when an already mysterious figure says, “Trust Us.”

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80's Pop Culture Expert, Shooting At The Walls Of Heartache.