“Yes, I named the fern ’Leena.’ You got a problem with that?”
We start with Artie watering Still Dead Leena’s plants, and unsuccessfully using reverse psychology to bully them into clinging to life. “Go ahead and wither away, you stupid … rhodoDEADron!”
Claudia and Steve witness the sad spectacle, but before they can delve deep into Artie’s botany psychosis, he orders them to England to investigate a possible artifact use. Two jockeys fell into comas while racing, with both bodies drained of adrenaline. They were riding longshot horses, but here’s the kicker – no one bet big on either horse.
Artie can’t come because Mrs. Fredric wants to talk to him about a “Regent issue.” Steve almost lets out a gay gasp and exclaims “Regent issue? What?” then remembers his involvement with spying on Artie is supposed to be on the downlow, and delivers an awesomely fake, “You know, like, … what?” Smooth. Claudia’s eyes narrow, and she knows Steve is hiding something.
Downton Abbey was never the same after the arrival of Lady Snarksalot and her future brother-in-law
In England, Steve and Claudia investigate the incidents, and learn that both horses involved belong to the same snooty owner. Unfortunately, they can’t get into the snooty country club to talk to him dressed like Steve and Claudia (and when the snooty guard tells Claudia “Perhaps you should contact your fairy godmother and ask her to turn you into a princess,” Claudia motions to Steve and says, “The only fairy godmother I have … besides you, is my credit card,”) so they go shopping at the House Of Lavender and finally gain entrance.
They question the snooty owner, but their case falls apart when another jockey falls off his horse right in front of them … a horse that did not belong to the snooty owner.
Doing some more digging, they discover that all three horses involved were treated by the track vet the day before they raced. Talking to the vet, they learn about the abuses the horses endured at the hands of the now comatose jockeys, abuses that were reported by the same stableboy. A-Ha!
“I keep telling you, I am not a Syfy Channel executive!”
Steve tracks down the stableboy, and finds out he’s been sabotaging the jockeys, using part of Sitting Bull’s Blanket. Claudia hitches a ride with the jockey, and manages to bag it before she and the jockey can be the next victims.
So we learned a couple of things with Steve and Claudia’s mission. We learned that Steve is deathly afraid of horses, which blows my Steve-In-Equus fantasy right out of the water. On the plus side, Steve makes a comical horse noise, which gives me the chance to post this awesome Steve Face!
Also, Claudia cajoled the truth out of Steve about the Regents. He admitted that they asked him to keep an eye on Artie and report back to him. Claudia is aghast, but Steve explains that he did it for Artie, because he’s worried about him, and with good reason. Claudia still isn’t convinced.
And we also saw the return of Charlotte (Polly Walker). The last time we saw her was in the catacombs of Paris, after the death and disappearance of her husband Professor Sutton. She “happens” to bump into Claudia, but it’s not a coincidence, as we see from this ominous warning. Hmm ..
Make your own “Getting Lei’d” joke
Myka and Pete get to travel to Vegas, where a guy who was glowing orange fell out of the sky onto a golf course. Simmer down, it wasn’t Donald Trump. They learn that he died of altitude exposure, but there were no flights in that area.
A search of his wallet leads to his hotel room, which is housing the road company of The Hangover (sans monkey). They hit all of the spots he may have stopped at, including a strip club, but come up empty-handed, except for the buckets of Pete drool.
“I hope that’s a Snickers”
*Actual Pete Quote
Soon they get another valuable clue … in the form of a middle-aged schoolteacher who falls from the sky. There seems to be little that links her to the first victim, though, until they discover that both of them were given comp tickets to see the hottest act in Vegas, magician Val Preston, who’s specialty is … levitation. A-ha!
Myka and Pete scope out the magician’s act, and learn that his levitation bit is done with a harness, not an artifact, and he’s a bit of an asshat. He also becomes the third victim … as he starts to glow orange and zooms into the sky.
There’s magic in the air!
They learn that Val had stolen his ideas from kindly veteran magician Monty (Joel Grey), and when they pay him a visit, he insists that the levitation trick is real magic, and convinces them to attend his show for a demonstration.
They agree, but realize that Monty and his audience are in danger from whatever artifacty magic he’s using when Monty runs off after accidentally levitating Pete. Monty’s granddaughter Rose (who’s also his assistant) tells them her father is afraid he can’t control his newfound power.
“Okay! Okay! I’ll be a Kit Kat Boy!”
A search of Monty’s home reveals a book about a 17th century friar who had the power to levitate, and Myka and Pete deduce that Monty’s granddaughter is actually the one holding the artifact. She wants to give her granddad one last shot of glory, and is using Val’s live TV event (which of course, Val won’t be attending) to give him his moment in the spotlight.
They rush to the stage, and as Monty levitates Rose up in the air, Pete is about to becomes the next victim … when he starts to float up to the sky. Luckily, he grabs Rose’s hand and convinces her that her trick is killing people, and she hands over the artifact.
“Tonight’s forecast – cloudy with a 40% chance of Pete!”
*Actual Pete Quote
With the artifact bagged, Myka and Pete do the unexpected. They invite Monty back to The Warehouse to show him some real magic. As he’s leaving, he playfully pockets Harry Blackstone’s light bulb. Aww! How cute. Too bad it’ll probably lead to another astrolabe sweating sickness Pandora’s Box situation.
“I thought Liza was the only one able to do that.”
The most intriguing part of this week’s episode is the introduction of the faboo, gorgeous, and disturbingly ageless Kelly Hu. She’s been acting for 25 years, and has a dizzying resume, but to me she’ll always be Lady Deathstrike.
She plays Abigail Chow, the … new owner of the Bed & Breakfast! Artie is flustered, as this was unexpected, to say the least. Mrs. Fredric instructs Artie to show her around The Warehouse and help her get her feet wet.
Within minutes of taking her through the stacks, Artie is able to figure out that she’s not an innkeeper, she’s actually a psychotherapist that the Regents hired to help Artie. He blows up, and abandons her in the maze of artifacts, where Mrs. Fredric finally comes to her rescue. Abigail tells her she needs access to some artifacts to help Artie numb his pain, but Mrs. Fredric says it’s out of the question. Abigail tells her, “If you want me to play in your sandbox, I need access to your toys.” This gets a patented Mrs. Fredric eyebrow raise.
Abigail brings Artie Pancho Villa’s Boots, which will help him as he struggles to cope, and then the two of them have a heated discussion about his reluctance to seek help for his pain. She tells him about a patient she had who she couldn’t save, who let the guilt and self-loathing consume him until it was too late. She doesn’t want that to happen to Artie. Why do I get the feeling we’ll be hearing more about this patient in the future?
The episode ends with Abigail watering the ferns, as Artie comes in and tearfully says, “I killed someone I love, and I don’t know what to do about it.” Abigail responds, ’Let’s talk about it.”
So some of the threads this season are starting to pull together. With Charlotte back (and up to no good), can the Professor be far behind? Can Abigail help Artie cope with what’s happened? And we’re just a couple of episodes away from meeting Steve’s ex!
Here are this week’s Pete Faces!